To want to be independent although in-laws are well off and want to help

[NoWayJosèNotToday]

Firstly, the people I'm talking about here, my in-laws, are really nice people. I do like them but I don't know why I feel so strongly about this. I want to know if it's me being weird or if it is reasonable.

In-laws are quite well off and want to spend their money on us (my husband is their only child so I get they want the best for him) like wanting to buy our flight tickets (business class), sponsoring holidays, buying things for our house like air conditioners etc. I obviously appreciate smaller gifts on birthdays, Christmas and some clothes for kids when they've been abroad but anytime else they spend money on us, it just drives me nuts because I feel like it controls me, and my family. Also, indirect things like bringing lots of snacks when coming to visit.

I get it that they have the money to spend but I want to raise my kids humbly (so learn to go without something until we can afford it) and I want us to be independent and not weighed down.

I don't want to ask them for anything as it feels like I will owe them or that I can't be upfront with them about things I don't like because I have to be grateful and keep my mouth shut. They bought us ACs for our house and it took me so long to feel like using it. It was so useful during the hot summer but the fact that they bought it for us makes me feel like I've to now "behave". I mean I am nice to them anyways and we get along fine but just feels like I am compelled to be extra nice.

I am a very opinionated person so if I don't like something I will say so. Like I have asked my MIL not to buy me things (she used to get me lots of things all the time and I was overwhelmed!). I also am particular about how I want to raise our kids so if something isn't right, I will say so for e.g. asking for consent before kissing my kids or giving them freedom (raising them montessori-way). But when they do us a favour or spend money on us, I feel like I lose the right to correct them or to hold anything against them or even have any negative thoughts about them at all! I feel guilty just writing this post as I'm thinking about all the things they've done for us (with/without us asking for it) and how I shouldn't be feeling this way. My husband is very comfortable just asking for help if needed so I feel really alone in this.

Life isn’t just about what you need, it’s about things that make you more comfortable or things that make you happy. What a miserable existence otherwise

yea fine but if you want it go and buy it yourself and not relay on others to fund you and your family. If this thread was about a man allowing his gf/wife to fund his life he'd be hung.

But it’s not, is it? It’s about a well off couple wanting to spend their money on their son and his family.

But it’s not, is it? It’s about a well off couple wanting to spend their money on their son and his family

yea because their son is allowing it, the status quo is now set and the well off couple feel they have to go along with it. It's the same concept as the threads that come up where 1 friend always feels she has to pay for the other friend and the other friend allows it to happen and never sets a boundary. The longer it goes on the harder it is to stop for the person paying and it leads to resentment and leads to an imbalance in the relationship.

You sound a nightmare

Complete bollocks. We spend money on our kids. It’s not expected and always appreciated. But, as I said, we’re selfish bastards.

OP seems to be long gone, which is a pity, but unsurprising considering the roasting she's been given on this thread. There have been few constructive suggestions as to how to tackle this effectively, but one good one is that of a 'college' style fund for the kids: a contribution which will be of real value to them as they get older.

Aside from this, an essential way forward is for both partners in this marriage to be on the same page, and to then present a united front and straightforward set of boundaries/compromises with his parents. Susan Forward is good for this: she suggests the unhappy partner sets out clearly why there are upset: 'when your family does A, it makes me feel B, C, and D. Then each party sets out what they are and are not willing to accept, and work out a solution from there.

Nothing the OP has posted in any way suggests she's a control freak, or an ingrate, or any of the other unpleasantries levelled at her on this board. She doesn't hate her in-laws. She has a practical problem and wanted a solution. But she also claims to be 'opinionated', which is probably what's hung her on this board in my estimation. It's not an attribute MN tends to encourage in a woman.

I would talk with your husband and decide on ways that your family could benefit from their generosity that also doesn't compromise bringing up your children. Not sure of the age of your children but how about them buying music lessons and the instruments needed, my dc benefitted so much from them, I highly recommend.

Direct gently their help with gratefulness

You don't seem over bright. The permission doesn't need to be written, obviously. The point is that you should not hug or kiss anyone who doesn't want it, even a child. A child also should only hug people who want to be hugged. If both parties want to hug, great. The problem is when children are forced into physical contact against their will by elderly family members. Less likely to be a problem the other way around

That's ridiculous. I've helped my kids, they've not expected it, they don't remotely take it for granted, and it's entirely up to me whether I do it again.

Why on earth do you think that someone accepting help means that the giver is then tied into doing it forever, against their wishes? That makes no sense.

If my kids weren't appreciative, or took me for granted, then I wouldn't do it. It's as simple as that.

I usually roll my eyes at the 'if this is all you have to worry about...' type responses on AIBU but on this occasion this is my gut reaction.

Unless you have strong reason to think that PIL are trying to control you financially, then I would consider yourself fortunate to have such generous relatives, especially during these difficult times.

If you're worried about your children being spoiled (which I do get) could you perhaps suggest that PIL put some money into a savings account for DC rather than lavishing them with gifts? You'll need to tread carefully with this though, as ultimately it's up to them how they choose to spend their money.

I would take the help, it’s seems helping their family is something your PIL are more than happy to do. Stay opinionated, if your PIL really are helping to “keep you in line” you will soon find out when the assistance stops.