To want to be independent although in-laws are well off and want to help

[NoWayJosèNotToday]

Firstly, the people I'm talking about here, my in-laws, are really nice people. I do like them but I don't know why I feel so strongly about this. I want to know if it's me being weird or if it is reasonable.

In-laws are quite well off and want to spend their money on us (my husband is their only child so I get they want the best for him) like wanting to buy our flight tickets (business class), sponsoring holidays, buying things for our house like air conditioners etc. I obviously appreciate smaller gifts on birthdays, Christmas and some clothes for kids when they've been abroad but anytime else they spend money on us, it just drives me nuts because I feel like it controls me, and my family. Also, indirect things like bringing lots of snacks when coming to visit.

I get it that they have the money to spend but I want to raise my kids humbly (so learn to go without something until we can afford it) and I want us to be independent and not weighed down.

I don't want to ask them for anything as it feels like I will owe them or that I can't be upfront with them about things I don't like because I have to be grateful and keep my mouth shut. They bought us ACs for our house and it took me so long to feel like using it. It was so useful during the hot summer but the fact that they bought it for us makes me feel like I've to now "behave". I mean I am nice to them anyways and we get along fine but just feels like I am compelled to be extra nice.

I am a very opinionated person so if I don't like something I will say so. Like I have asked my MIL not to buy me things (she used to get me lots of things all the time and I was overwhelmed!). I also am particular about how I want to raise our kids so if something isn't right, I will say so for e.g. asking for consent before kissing my kids or giving them freedom (raising them montessori-way). But when they do us a favour or spend money on us, I feel like I lose the right to correct them or to hold anything against them or even have any negative thoughts about them at all! I feel guilty just writing this post as I'm thinking about all the things they've done for us (with/without us asking for it) and how I shouldn't be feeling this way. My husband is very comfortable just asking for help if needed so I feel really alone in this.

You sound really hard work if I’m honest.

your PIL sound generous and loving not controlling.

your attitude to your kids being humble is a bit bizarre and embarrassingly liberal

@Miajk if your generous in-laws offend you so much by wanting to treat you to a meal out, why do you go? Why not just go no contact with them? You keep going on about me needing to grow up, if I want to get on in the real world but it’s obvious you have a very narrow and culturally biased view. The majority on this thread also think the OP is being ridiculous

My parents and my in-laws grew up poor, grinding, going to bed hungry poor.

Both DH and I benefited from being raised in the homes of people who worked hard to pull themselves and their familes out of that situation, but there wasn't a lot of spare cash to splash.

Our children are now amongst the very lucky. We are both university educated, in high paying jobs, we have lovely homes and our children want for nothing. And their grandparents NOW have the money spare to buy these children all of the things they could never have even dreamed of when they were young.

We don't need their money, the kids don't need their gifts, but this is part of how they express their love. Money can sometimes come with strings and sometimes someone just loves you/your kids and wants to do/give you nice things.

Chill out. You are overthinking this parenting gig.

Well if it makes the kids and your DH happy, is it really fair that you try to put a stop to it?

The majority doesn't always mean that they're viewpoint is correct, as you'd see by the recent outcomes of the British public voting for different things.

Why can't people just compromise? Respect each others differences? Why does it have to be only the way DHs family does things?

My view isn't narrow just because it doesn't align with yours. You think OP is selfish but it's ironic since you believe only one way of thinking is okay and OP is somehow problematic for feeling differently.

OP - honestly, I think you are lucky. We have the opposite - in-laws who think nothing of having my husband pay for everything and take money off him at every opportunity. They also barely take interest in our children, preferring instead to indulge their daughter’s child with time, love, and plastic tat. They are the most useless in-laws I could have imagined. Yours sound wonderful in comparison. But maybe have a quiet word telling them how much you appreciate everything but would maybe rather they spent more money on themselves, or that you are more comfortable in paving your own way.

Life is generally quite hard and you have people that want to make things easier for your family. I can't understand your reluctance especially when there are no strings attached.

Would you prefer they spent it now or have you a lump sum when they die? Because bluntly, that's the reality of it. They want to support their son and his family, and see the benefits of their hard earned money in use when they are alive, and you have said they are nice and they expect nothing- so the issue here is your uncomfortableness, not them wanting to help their family when they can see it.

You do.sound controlling. I mean, letting their grandparents kiss them shouldn't be a big deal.

The question is whether the in laws really do expect you to fall into line ad a result of their generosity or if its just in your head.

Ah, the usual 'you are rude' responses to anyone who dares communicate in a direct manner. Seems passive aggression is often much more Mumsnet style, which is an underhand method of communication I find cowardly as well as rude.

OP you've made your views clear and they are continuing to override them. I am fiercely independent and would also not like this in the slightest. It does carry with it a certain degree of obligation and could later be thrown back against you in the mode of 'after all we've done for you....'

I would not in any circumstances want to hand anyone that degree of power. If I have a strong relationship with someone and feel affection for them, they don't need to buy me. If I don't, they are incapable of doing so.

YANBU.

What about her husband, their son? Is he not allowed to accept their kindness?

OP is perfectly able to say that she's not good at presents and though she appreciates their kindness, she'd rather they didn't give her big presents (one of my son in laws is like this. He doesn't really like birthdays or Christmas in that regard, so while I recognise both I keep his present small but personal and don't make a big deal of it). But she does not have the right to tell her husband to refuse the help that his loving parents want to give.

But when they do us a favour or spend money on us, I feel like I lose the right to correct them or to hold anything against them or even have any negative thoughts about them at all!

Do they do or say stuff that makes you think that or is it all internal?

My inlaws are well off, they hand out money at the drop of a hat because they think it makes more sense for dh and his siblings to benefit financially now whilst we have young children. That doesn't mean we always agree or I can't say what I think. Partly because they're giving money to their child not to me directly (apart from birthdays and Christmas) but also because I don't see our relationship as transactional and neither do they. My mum hates it though because she does see all relationships as transactional and she can't compete so I don't tell her any more.

Fair enough to be upset if they pushback on your boundaries because they have given x or y, tainting the gift, but if not...might be worth examining why you feel like that.

They want to support their son and his family, and see the benefits of their hard earned money in use when they are alive,

That. Everything that my mum and MIL (and their late husbands) had saved, plus the value of their houses, disappeared into care costs. All the plans they'd had to help their grandkids went to the wall.

I don't want that to happen to my hard earned savings and those of my late husband. Also, even if I don't ned care, my kids need that financial support now, but when they're nearly my age.

I world be heartbroken if everything I have went to a care home. What I give my DDs now, comes from what I see as their dad's half of what I have. We saved hard for both our retirements, but only I made it to retirement age. Their dad's share is theirs, not to fund my possible care, imo.

...so Yes, if their husbands got as aggressive about it as @MarieIVanArkleStinks and made it all abbot them, I'd be very distressed

You sound like hard work.

You post starts with saying they are nice people then you go on to list all the nice things they do. As a previous poster said - I wish I had your problem.

At no point do you say what makes them controlling or how their generosity is cloaked in control. They bought us an unsuitable holiday - a bare foot crocodile safari with two toddlers. They bought us AC for the house but only for their room when they visit. They gave us money for decorating but demanded it back when they didn't like the wallpaper.

You are married to their only son and they are well off and want their family to enjoy the spoils. I imagine they subscribe to the 'no pockets in a shroud'. Accepting their gifts, clothes and help does not interfer with you raising your children to be thoughtful, caring, grateful, kind and well mannered. Remember you married their son - didn't ruin him did it?

Just a wild guess but I imagine you struggle to accept a compliment too

I voted YABU given that you have highlighted how nice your in laws are, the majority of threads on here are about families struggling to survive and you come hear complaining about "my lovely in laws want to give us too much"! Ffs....

Would it help to put yourself in their shoes?

Imagine yourself in 30 years time. You have everything you need and disposable income. Your children are grown up but they are still your children and you love them to bits and want to do everything you can to help them and their families.

It's surely not so hard to see it from their point of view is it?

If my husband or I asked for permission to give our give our grandchildren a kiss, both our sons and daughters-in-laws would think we had truly lost our marbles!

Have they ever tried to trade on their gifts, eg influence your dc's schooling by only paying certain fees?

Have you considered that they are trying to reduce their Inheritance tax liability.

You won't be able to stop it so why not try to direct it towards something that is useful long term like saving for house deposits or school fees or pensions.

Really?
I wouldn't kiss my 9 year old dgs without asking his permission first. It allows him to set boundaries which help to keep him safe.

They sound like really nice people. If there's no background of them being controlling, just accept their gifts with grace.

My parents do this all the time and my in laws also do this to a lesser extent. Giving is their way of expressing their love. It makes them happy and it doesn't make us any less independent. For DD's birthday recently our in laws wanted to treat the whole family (10 of us) to lunch at DD's favourite restaurant. We insisted on paying and so DD received a cash gift from them instead. It's all swings and roundabouts really.

I do understand when it's about buying stuff for your dc. If l was teaching my dc to save for something and their GPS just popped up and bought it l wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't have an issue with the holidays or even the air-conditioning but stopping the dc from learning about money would be an issue.
I would try and redirect their funds into college accounts for the dc.

Or in getting them to involve the dc in donating food to food banks or some other charity stuff so they are learning about life.

So they enjoy seeing their DS and DGC enjoy their inheritance, but you want to wait until they die before you get the money?

I'm in the camp that I like to see my DSs and families enjoy what's going to be theirs. Rather that than the taxman gets it.

I'm in a similar situation but don't mind at all. Spending money on their child and grandchildren makes them happy so let them and just be grateful.
My inlaws have recently said they want to start giving away some of their money to their children so randomly drop cash into DH's account from time to time. We don't need it so it goes into savings.