DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

[GoutFine]

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

I think this is such a tricky one. You’re quite happy but your husband isn’t. It’s finding a way I suppose so that both your needs are met. We live in a small market town about an hour from London, husband is quite happy here but when the kids are gone I’d like to move back up north. Could you compromise and move nearer into London?

urgen - what do you mean, Barnes and Chiswick are "shocking?"

@Kissingfrogs25 amazing how different people see things. You seem to judge the commenters parents very harshly. I don't. Who knows why people may move country but support is not always about keeping the old house for the kids to return to. I'd have loved my parents to have been more dynamic and lived their life a bit more. Personally, I would have loved to have a small space in London when I returned from uni rather than being stuck in the 'burbs. Doesn't mean no support. It means changing what support looks like as dc grow. Live a little. You aren't supposed to become martyr once you are a parent. Everyone does things differently. Different doesn't equal bad.

A work colleague of mine moved from London back to my area after falling down an escalator at a tube station. No one helped him or even asked if he was ok. They just stepped over him.

It would be a no thanks from me.

My husband would like to move back to Birmingham when we retire. Not on your Nelly. We know no one there bar his siblings. I have worked in London for 35 years , mainly commuting. He has worked locally. In hindsight it would have been prudent to buy in London but I didn’t want the crime for my dc. I truly love London but I think you need plenty of money. I have friends in Mayfair and SW and that is a very different ball game. Our DS lives in Putney. He has a very active social life and a great GP practice. However he is planning his escape, too dirty, too costly. He is a country boy at heart. We are less than a hour from London but are in the process of buying nearer to a large town. Better shops, more activities and we have checked the healthcare. Our local friends can visit but tbh they are all planning moves to Bath (cultural, good shops, good hospitals). I would rent in London op for a year. The service charges on flats can be huge. Where will you hang your washing?( we have lived in a flat for 18 months after moving from a 5 bed family home, this has driven us potty). Ditto the lack of a garden for the dog.
Talk to your husband it might just be nostalgia. We got rid of some ‘country cars’ when we moved to the flat and my husband bombs around in a mini (he had one when I met him). Seems to have made him happy.

Having a small London flat means almost no housework, no maintenance, no gardening. Living costs can be cheaper, travel certainly is, food is the same, lots of entertainment is free.

You end up with so much more time it seems.

If you live in a small place you need fewer possessions. Getting rid of stuff is liberating. Small collection of wonderful clothes and items. Everything that I have in my flat was carefully selected and I love them.

It is 3 minutes walk from my flat to the nearest national museum/gallery

Zone 1 can be cheaper than zone 2. Somewhere such as Chiswick, Putney or Barnes is not going to give you a London lifestyle.

This is such a refreshing thread. I had no idea so many midlife+ couples aim to or have moved back into London. My family are Londoners and most have emigrated or moved out bar one now who’s as lucky enough to buy a council flat in WC1 a couple of decades ago. DD has recent moved to London for work and we love visiting her(1hr in train) but am happy to leave purely because I love open spaces, sky and a slower pace. However I totally get the pull of having so much on your doorstep at any time.
If you can afford a lovely flat in Zone 1 then maybe agree to try it. Could you rent your house out and rent in London for a year and see how it goes?

That's not necessarily true. My parents moved when I went to uni, and it meant I hardly ever went to their house. I did go "home" lots though and crashed with friends because I wanted to see them, as well as staying in my uni town. It also meant I didn't take my planned gap year because they decided to move, and I didn't want to spend a year in a place where I knew no-one.

You sound very close minded and selfish in refusing to even engage with the idea. Your children won’t care about the “family home” - and you’ll see way more of them with a guest room in Zone 1.

It doesn’t really matter if you look to move at the beginning of uni, or when the last has finished, but you’re going to need to at least robustly consider this plan if you want your marriage to survive your children flying the nest. Your husband doesn’t want to do another 20 years in Beaconsfield, or wherever you are, and I don’t blame him. You moved there for a reason, and that reason is drying up.

OP has your husband spent time in London recently? I live in an outer burb, not central. But he’d need to be recently experienced before deciding.

I hope you can find a solution but I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to go back. I would have left years ago if not for the elderly parents problem.

If it boils down to choosing him in London, or splitting up and staying, what would you choose?

I have only read Page 1 and thought I would give you a positive response.
We moved from Rural Wiltshire (18 years) to Hackney London. Neither of us had lived in London, we visited frequently. I had a job opportunity and DW had a home-based job. We thought 4 or 5years, then out again. We were there for 14 years. Now in Oxfordshire.
The DC had moved out into first jobs after education. DD liked it she soon had her own flat and never wants to move.
Comment from our son was "what took you so long"?

“and always something new to discontent every day.,...”

the best Freudian slip ever 😆

He’s entitled to his feelings just as much as you are entitled to yours. London is home at the end of the day and there is nothing wrong with what he wants but the reality is one of you will end up unhappy. Neither of you are in the wrong.

I’m from London, tried leaving for a few years and I couldn’t manage with how slow life was so we moved back.

Would you have the budget to maybe rent an airb&b for a month and live the lifestyle without the commitment. I think you need to work out what it is he’s missing. I hear so many people say they miss the theatre but actually go 3-4 times a year max for example. I can see the appeal of just being able to go out after work, a shorter commute etc but I think sometimes the lifestyle is romanticised a bit once you leave.

I agree with other posters that your DH needs to think carefully about why he wants to move.
If he’s unhappy now moving to central London isn’t going to be a magic bullet to happiness. Is he currently spending all his time travelling in to Zone 1 to do stuff there? As if yes, then I can see why maybe living closer might be more convenient.
But if the answer is no then I suspect the real reason for wanting to move is something else maybe trying to recapture his youth, midlife crisis etc.
I mean is he suddenly going to start going to theatres/museums in central London all the time just because he’s a little closer to them physically? It can easily take 25 minutes to get from one part of Zone 1 to the other anyway.

Try before you buy.

Book an air BnB for a week where he wants to be. Love the life you would have there as much as possible and then analyse it. Hopefully it will show him it's not how he imagined

No I don't think you should move to London if you don't want to but equally he doesn't want to stay where you are so compromise has to be reached.

I think you have the stronger case as you are near friends and a life built up over 18 years.

People do often move in retirement. It has to suit the both of you. I don't think I'd like to be old living in Central London. If you are say 50 then it will be fine for 10 years but then in retirement years it would be really isolating and I can see why you'd be unhappy.

That said my parents friends live in Central Manchester but also have a home in Ireland.

Maybe that's your solution: tiny flat in London and smaller home where you live now? The kids don't need rooms. I think it's nice to have guest rooms but maybe that's the compromise point so you both get the life you want. It will mean family Christmas will bite the dust. Tell him you're not ready to lose that until after the dc have finished uni and then will look to move/buy a London flat.

I think the poster who said midlife crisis has hit the nail on the head. I think he wants to return to the life he had when younger and London represents that.

If it were me I'd refuse to move and be open to finding a new place that suits you both.

Do you have the multi-millions you will need for a zone 1 flat with spare rooms?

I smell a midlife crisis.

@colouringindoors I think you've got that the wrong way around. I'm in zone 3 and haven't had a single problem with access to my GP, in the pandemic or now. Had a couple of a&e trips with the children this year and never longer than a 2 hour wait to be seen. Friends outside London and parents in the Home Counties have terrible trouble.

Would he be working or is he retired already? Apologies if you have already explained this.

@BuryingAcorns That seems a very strange reply. Every single borough has thousands of older frail people in social housing who can't just move. Every borough has care provision.

Depends where they live in London really. If they can afford somewhere near Marylebone great, but if they can’t and have to cross London………

That's rubbish
You can get great 3 bed flats for less than a million in zone 1.

As to the comment above, lots of my neighbours are in their 80s and 90s. They have no trouble living in London.

Maybe you could rent in London rather than selling up? At least it could give him an idea of what it’s actually like being back there again. I lived in London for years and loved it. Cried when we left. We moved to the home counties for the same reasons as you and couldn’t imagine going back now. Would a compromise be living in somewhere with a bit more open space like Richmond or Muswell hill maybe?