DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

[GoutFine]

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

I understand where your DH is coming from, but it has to be a shared vision, or it’s not going to work.

We moved to a Zone 4 suburb to get a 4 bed house with garden when we had DC.

I am not growing old here, though! As soon as the youngest goes to university, we are moving further in and getting a flat.

But DH and I are in agreement, so that’s the difference. We don’t want a suburban old age, we have no interest in gardening or pottering about doing DIY, and we don’t want the upkeep of a family sized home.
Apartment in a serviced block more centrally is our dream.

Why is he unreasonable to state his wants?

What is being highlighted though is he seems to have a very different vision of life together post children - you see enjoying your family home and friends, with the comfort of familiarity, and he sounds like he is chomping at the bit for adventure and to shrug off the shackles of contented family life and go and live a little. Neither is wrong, but if you can't agree what the future looks like that bring both of you some happiness then I would recommend relationship counselling. You shouldn't be sacrificing everything to make him happy, and he should have more adventure in his life than is currently on offer where you are now. You need a compromise that feels comfortable for both of you.

Dh and I are in a similar place and discussing our future. We are on the same page, this stage of life is quite unsettling I find. For decades everything is focused on children, and family and suddenly it draws to an end and you are kind of blinking in the sun light with an older version of the love of your life you first met and finding your feet again as individuals.

How often does he go into London at the moment?

I'm also 25 mins from London and have had thoughts of a lovely flat in the Barbican - and a lottery win, obviously- but have come to the conclusion that while it would be brilliant 3-4 days a month, the rest of the time I'd rather potter around here in my detached house with a large garden in a quiet area.

Ok then in 3-5 years

Huh? Completely different. Walking out to grab a brunch or coffee. Being in the midst of things is not the sane as a train ride. Why is he being unreasonable and she not?

Her needs don't trump his. Why are people so one sided. They need to find a compromise they BOTH accept. Not expect one to suck it up I can't imagine it's much fun being married to someone who thinks 'I trump you'. Fast track to screwing up a marriage is expecting one person to just be miserable

This ⬆️

As a native Londoner who hasn’t lived there for a long time, what bothers me the most when visiting is the pollution. When you blow your nose in London the mucus isn’t clear but grey or even black! Living there I didn’t realise the “fuzzy brain” feeling was due to air pollution until I moved away and it completely lifted. When you drive around the M25 you can literally see the grey haze over London.

I live in central london and I love it.

I can walk to most places. I have good public transport for when I can’t.

I truly live the city - it’s a rare week when I’m not at the theatre or an art gallery /museum (I still work more than full time).

I feel like I’m suffocating when I visit friends out of town who talk about going to the cinema or panto once a year as an adventure.

give it a try. I have previously lived in the Barbican. It’s FULL of downsizing older couples!

My husband's fantasy cities to move to in retirement would be Chicago or Madrid.
I'd quite like Madrid but would be happy with a move down the road to Edinburgh 😁

Knowing us we'll stay where we are in the suburbia of a tiny city 😂

It was a joint decision to move out of London. The DH is making a unilateral decision to move back.

I think you have a problem OP. One of you is going to be unhappy at the end of this.

I like a short trip to London but can't wait to leave after a couple of days. All the people everywhere do my head in. I love getting back to my quiet suburban street.

The whole thing about coming back to the family home is oversold. DCs coming back form uni/early independence tend to regress when they walk through the door and that causes extreme conflict.
My parents moved abroad when I was in the third year of uni and it was the best thing They could have done. Forced me onto my own two feet (with some guidance and support from them of course) and also meant I was an adult visiting my adult parents when I stayed with them and the dynamic was much improved. I've had an excellent close relationship with them ever since (in 40s now)

That doesn't change the fact that OP still will refuse to consider his wants

Honestly, I don't think it is that. (I'm like OP's husbvand. Long to return to London but never going to happen as DH can't stand it. We too live in the Home Counties and now DC are both at uni are looking for the next stage.

What I love about London is its vibrancy and variety whatever your age. If you go to adult ed classes there, you get world class writers and artists and musicians teaching you. DH loves singing in a choir but complains bitterly all the time that local choirs are rock choirs (he won;t do that) and the one classical choir has an average age of 90. If we lived in London he;d have the pick of classical choirs and would end up singing with great professional conductors.

But I also just love the general variety - the pink and blue hair, the people of all races, the quirky behaviour, the buskers and high fashion flaneurs, the fabulous galleries and museums on your doorstep. I love that going to theatre isn't a panic to run back for the train or you have to wait an hour for the next one.

My ideal life in retirement is theatre shows, concerts, rock and comedy gigs, exhibitions, long walks, adult ed creative classes and helping out at a food bank. All on my doorstep in London. None on my doorstep in Home Counties except the long walks. The local theatres just show mainstream musicals, the local area has no need for a food bank, the local adult ed classes are few and far between and the same two teachers teach the same 10 sessions on repeat. The choirs are as DH describes.

I totally get this. My youngest has just turned 18 and I’m desperate to move back to city life. DH would happily stay put but acknowledges it’s probably time for a reset anyway. He is entitled to his feelings too.

Hi OP,

What I would do if I were you I think, I'd just start having a look around at flats in London. When he says "Central London" what does he actually mean?

London flats don't have to mean noise and congestion. Maybe get something in a gorgeous white stucco building in a garden square in Chelsea? Or there are loads of apartments on the river. Imagine yourself sitting out in the terrace looking at the lights in the evening, or the sparkles in the morning. Swanning round the V&A. Endless supply of coffee shops and restaurants and always something new to discontent every day.,...

You will find you are very popular with your kids and their friends! Chances are, they will be working in London anyway soon enough, so you would have your kids more local in the long term.

What about (as a potential compromise) somewhere like Putney / Barnes where there are river walks and loads of greenery? Still a quick drive into town? Has he mentioned actual locations? What is your budget?

Another option could be renting out your house for a while and renting in London to see if you like it?

He may find, once you start looking, that the reality of what you can afford doesn't quite match up to the image he has in his head. I'd indulge it for now and agree to look at least. You are not committed to anything. Also, see what's happening with the property market as god knows who will be PM next week.

I suspect you live in Gerard’s X, Chalfont, Amersham area. I used to live there but was brought up in London as a child. Didn’t have a car and walked everywhere (it was rather a long time ago!).

I now live in a very desirable tourist/resential area about 100 mins drive from London. I miss London almost every day although it’s lovely around here. We can still do London theatres but it is a pain to travel too now. Sitting at trendy counter Italian restaurants after a theatre visit sipping a glass of cava. There is nothing like it. We have nice gastro pub restaurants around here but there is a definite recipe to them. There is nothing like London. Could you afford a small house in say Kew or Chiswick. Don’t underestimate losing outdoor space completely - even a small court yard garden would I think be useful.

Personally I could downsize but wouldn’t get a flat. It’s a step too far. Could I ask your budget?

My parents moved (country) as soon as my younger brother was off to uni. At that age, especially if you were only in the home counties, they will keep seeing any friends from home that matter to them. And as a Londoner born and bred, I can confirm that living in it is completely different to living in the home counties, however short the journey - he wants to go home, I don't see that he needs more justification than that (not saying that his needs automatically trump yours but sometimes a heart reason is as good as a head reason)

I think that is quite sad to pack up and move away and so far when your children are still in university. In my view students can need a lot of support, emotional and otherwise and having a family home to come back to in the holidays to decompress, see old friends and feel 'at home' is not much to ask for.

It feels very selfish to leave your children and move to another country thousands of miles away, and personally I would never do this to my children whilst they were still fledglings. Being forced to cope is not ideal. Perhaps you have always had to try hard with your parents because it is not a given they will automatically be there for you? They have already proven otherwise. Not exactly unconditional support many of us aim for.

I know Barnes and Chiswick very well. They are shocking. Have you got a £1 million and say £1.3 million for perhaps a very small 2 bed house? It might be the time to do it with the market being as it is. I presume you will need to sell your current house. Stamp duty on £1m is circa £45k.

If you have you can probably do it. So many people in support of London. I am feeling a little wistful about a life in London…..

Watching with interest. Our DC both moved to London after Uni and they are desperate that we sell up and join them!

Did the OP disclose if they can afford the "nice flat" in central London? We can’t, sadly, so that’s our answer to the kids.

My children early 20’s would LOVE us to move to London. We would see them far more than we do.

Most London airbnb is limited to 90 days and lots of flats it is banned altogether

I don’t live in the Home Counties either. Been to London once a week and yes some are pleasant but a vast majority are rude. I suppose because it’s tightly packed with people so more likely to have more of both types.