DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

[GoutFine]

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

Downsize and get a one bed flat for London. If affordable. Best of both

Oh and GP care is much better where I am in central London than it was in the affluent town I lived in before

I wanted a flu jab today, booked it yesterday with massive central London choice. 1st date sister in large (naice) Yorkshire town can get in late November.

To some the empty nest and London life might be too much of a change at once, and to some it's a great misdirection. everyone copes with change differently. Why don't you propose renting in London for a bit? The way the market is, it probably is best to see how things settle anyway.

This thread is making me want to move back to central London myself…..

I’ve not rtft but could you compromise and maybe agree to move temporarily to London to try it out for, say, a year? Keep your home and rent it out, and find an apartment to rent. That way if you both hate it you still have your family home to return to. Or you might find you love it, in which case you can sell up and buy a property.

I've seen a few sneering "mid-life crisis" references on this thread and they're ridiculous. He was born and raised in London. He's not pining after something new and exciting, he wants something he knows and loves. And he's been pretty clear that suburban/countryside life would never have been something he wanted for himself - that decision was because of the children.

Also the suggestions to "try out" London life for a few months (presumably in the hope he'll suddenly realise he hates it?) before deciding are very patronising. The man was born and raised in London. He knows what it's like, pollution and crowds and all.

I don't know how this gets resolved though, neither OP nor her husband are unreasonable in what they want. (Unless they have enough money to keep a small home in both locations.) The children are a red herring though. When you go off to uni your interest in returning to your local area decreases a lot - all your friends have also scattered across the country for uni and won't necessarily return.

How many more years till you both retire?

I think renting a flat in both summer and winter for maybe a month would be a good idea.

My DH and I are on the same page for retirement thankfully. Nothing would make me live in a city again, lived in London and Birmingham as did he.

We're doing this, I can't wait! DCs will see us and can stay with their pals if they want to go to their hometown.

I’m not patronising by saying try it out by renting. Things change. London has changed. He has changed. She may change her mind. Surely it’s sensible to try before making such a massive change?

Moving house is such a big decision. I don't think it's enough that he wants to go back when you so obviously don't. You didn't pull him out of the city. You all moved for the family. That doesn't mean his needs now trump everyone else's.

You don't need to hide behind the DCs. It's enough that you don't want to move to London. Your desire not to move is just as important as his desire to move.

However you both need to discuss what you want out of this next stage of your life and where you both want to be. Maybe a smaller town would be a better compromise?

Id sooner get divorced and buy a smaller home where I am than move to London.

I love Central London and luckily live close enough that I can also get there in 30 minutes. But there's no way that I would choose to live there for all the reasons that the OP and others state.

The only room for compromise that I can see is if you can sell your current home and buy two equal value small homes. Easier said than done but if it's possible that's what I'd do. You may end up living apart but that will give you an idea of whether you'd prefer to be together in a place you don't want to be or apart in a place you do want to be.

Another option would be to rent a place in London for a fixed term. Try before you buy as it were.

London is very different now to 18 years ago especially post Brexit and pandemic.you need to Airbnb for a month or two in it to see the changes

We recently moved back to a city centre after 18yrs of raising kids in suburbia.

it did feel a bit mid life crisis-y in a fabulous way! We love it- it does make me feel younger and the kids are very happy to have a central base.

its fab living in a flat and so fun and easy being in the middle of it all.

OP you’ll meet new people and be able to easily visit your town/friends. I’d give it a go if i were you.

I don't think you're DH has thought this through. First of all kids often return home during the holidays, and then commonly back for some time after graduation. Secondly, unless you're absolutely loaded, how on earth will you afford a flat big enough in London for your kids, and then their partners and children, to come to stay? Your current house will be a hub for your burgeoning family to come and visit, but London will make that very difficult.

Cripes , its usually moving out when kids have left home.
I am London born and bred, I live on the outskirts now and will be happy to eventually move well away. I love London and have had the best life growing up in the east end, spending holidays in Hampstead and Golders green with aunts and cousins, but that London has gone, the violent crime is off the roof, and it is so bloody crowded, awful.
I bet its a different London to which your Husband remembers. Yes there are nice areas, I have family in lovely areas, but bad crime still happens there and once you are out of the conclaves of the tree lined streets, it's open season.
I would stand my ground if I were you, he must be very selfish if he can't respect your happiness.

It will be great to live in central london! I cant afford it but I am not far anyway. Think of lovely breakfasts outside, loads of museums on your doorstep. Youll be out all night everynight!

Sounds exhausting.

OP this is me and my DH in reverse, I grew up in central london and we lived centrally when we got married - I desperately miss the hustle and bustle, everything interesting being a walk away and have also said to my DH we will retire in the same flat we lived in when we first married. I feel like I’ll have done my time living in quiet suburbia, and it’s not a midlife crisis either.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, he’s compromised for the kids and you for the best part of 2 decades, time for you to compromise now. How much longer can he be held hostage to you and your dc needs!

The dc will make their own lives so I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s time for them to grow up and realise their parents have needs/desires that aren’t centred around them too.

I don't think it's quite fair to say that the journey to friends argument is equal, because I think the status quo is the default, all things being equal.

He THINKS it will be better. She THINKS it will be worse. But neither know.

I don't think that buying a bolt hole is even necessary. You can always take short term lets, month long Airbnb stays etc. You could pick the three months of the year he least likes the countryside and spend them in the city.

I'd love to emigrate to NZ, but realistically we're both unwilling to. So we have a deal where we're going to go for a few months every few years, and work our lives around that.

She can literally walk into any chemist and get one. I was offered one whilst I was waiting for a prescription for my mum.

This is a good idea. It may make him want it more and you even less. However chances are that it’s not what he remembers plus you are both older now and so used to a different style of living. Maybe even when you see what kind/size of properties you can reasonably afford it might be off putting too.

What would you have to sacrifice in terms of living standards if you were to buy a flat in a decent area with enough bedrooms for your children to stay? I imagine you would have much less space? No garden? I guess my answer would largely be dependent on your financial circumstances. For instance a multi million property in London and a smaller place you can keep in the home counties is a very different situation to having to sell a big family home with garden and end up in a poky flat in a shitty part of London

Trains go both ways. You are currently 25 mins into Marylebone so your kids can travel 25 mins to see their friends. Plus it's not a given that they will spend all holidays with you anyway. They could have partners in other areas of the country, want to travel or work elsewhere. What you and your h want should be the priority as you're living there every day.
Do your kids care about the family home? My kids are a similar age and won't care that I plan to move when my youngest finishes A-levels. They'd love it if I lived somewhere new and in the city. They had a lovely childhood in the suburbs but they find it dull after all these years.

I agree with others that maybe you could try renting a flat for 6/12 months to see if it’s really what he wants or just an itch he has to scratch? That might be a better compromise than a flat out NO. Hopefully, he’ll realise it’s just a mid-life crisis that will pass.

For myself, I can’t imagine anything worse than living in central London and in your shoes, if he still wants to live in London after this trial period, then you’ll have to think seriously about splitting up.

My two adult DC. live in London because of work and they seem settled and happy for now but every time I visit, I’m desperate to go home to my rural idyll by about day 5. I can’t stand the crowds, noise and have no interest in going out in the evenings to dinner or the theatre or similar more than once or twice a year. I find it all a bit superficial.

I much prefer to spend time on my hobbies and being with my friends.