Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

Same!! Am wondering what age this 'significant' birthday is!! 12??!

There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever sleep on a sofabed - I like my creature comforts too much at my advanced age lol !! - and I don't think it is fair to ask anyone to sleep on a sofabed that they could only access when everyone else had gone to bed - never mind, where does all your stuff go?!

Notwithstanding, how dare BG go all crazy and disinvite you for the party that you have travelled so far and spent so much money to get to!! That's unforgiveable!! Just because you arranged different accommodation - and you didn't even ask for your money back either!!

Is there history with this woman? If she doesn't rescind the 'disinvite' and apologise for her overreaction, then I would consider this 'friendship' as dead in the water. Best wishes with your pregnancy - that is far more important than this childish shit xx

I just don't know why you agreed to go knowing someone would be on a sofa bed. It's like you read it and instantly assumed someone else would be on it so that's a non issue. I wondered about this when reading your op and then you posted that usually someone is approached who is happy to pay less for less. So it does read like you kind of expected someone poorer to have gone for that option and never thought about it again. I just wonder how these people who usually take the sofa bed really feel about it!

Who else did you expect to have the sofa bed, given you arrived a day later and was a single person. It was pretty obvious that you’d get it and I agree with bg that she’d made that option clear.

she’s over reacted with you finding new accommodation but perhaps she is upset that she thought you’d expect a refund. Would you have?

What’s the issue with going away for your birthday? Not sure why it’s considered pretentious. If you like going away, can afford it, and have friends who want to join you - why not? You can book a flight to Nice at this time of year for less than £20, hardly extravagant.

anyway, she’s overreacted, but given she wasn’t there I wonder how it was presented to her. Considering you were a day late I think you could have expected the sofa bed tbh.

I think all of this hinges on the fact that the other guests there are her colleagues. That instantly changes the dynamic.

She might be embarrassed that you seemed to suggest one of them should be on the sofa bed, and she might have disinvited you because she's worried about you showing her up in front of people she works with.

F

I agree with the BG. If you cared so much you should’ve said the moment that the word sofa was brought up. I clearly seems like it was a first come first serve sort of situation. Surely if you are aware you are going to be the last one there you would make it clear that you have certain preferences when it came to sleeping arrangements.

to me it just seems like an I’ll prepped holiday. This is why it’s so important to properly prepare where everyone is sleeping before you get there to stop childish behaviour like this from happening.

You agree she should have been disinvited and told to leave the area?

Incredibly selfish and mean-spirited. YANBU. I'd be spelling it out for her in text as you have here. So we made the effort to come all the way here, and you're dis-inviting us now that we're here? Are you absolutely sure you don't want to reconsider that? If she says no, then f*ck that - I'd be ending that "friendship". If that's friendship, who needs enemies!

This. You arrived after everyone else, so you got the sofa bed which was mentioned earlier. There’s obviously a communication breakdown. Why would somebody who arrived before you did choose the sofa bed? I don’t see why she would withdraw the invitation, but there seems to have been a plan about everyone staying together. Perhaps this was outlined the day before you arrived? Or perhaps BG was upset at you arriving after everyone else? If you want to know more, you’ll have to talk. If you’ve had enough, leave it. Get a refund or sell the gift.

The sofa bed situation is a bit irrelevant really, particularly because I suspect it was not made clear it was in a communal area and you could only go to sleep when the last person was tired. The OP decided to stay elsewhere and didn’t expect a refund. No big deal.

She’s sounds precious as hell. Good escape from a difficult princessy friend imho.

This misses the point spectacularly.

The OP admits she messed up re the sleeping arrangements but once she arrived and realised that she wouldn't be comfortable, she very amicably arranged another room nearby, with no expectation of a refund. No drama, no tantrum, just an easy solution to an oversight that made sure everyone was happy.

BG is utterly batshit crazy. What on EARTH could she have to possibly be pissed off about?! OP arranged to meet back up with everyone once she'd checked in - she realised that a communal sofa bed wasn't going to work, so very calmly arranged alternative sleeping arrangements with no grudge held. Absolutely ridiculous to think there is any problem whatsoever with this.

OP admits she didn't think the sleeping arrangements through. She's taken responsibility for her part in that - but has also acted like an adult by sorting out another room without causing any drama.

Bashing OP for her assumptions over the sleeping arrangements misses the entire point. There was absolutely zero reason for BG to banish OP when all she has done is sort out alternative sleeping arrangements which will suit everyone better!!

OP - enjoy the refund BG gave you in a temper, return her gift to the shop (or use it yourself with F if that's possible!!). Bollocks to BG, enjoy your mini-break with your fab friend F. And absolutely don't apologise to BG, she really can fuck right off with her entitled attitude and fondness for drama.

The vote overwhelmingly agrees OP is not being reasonable but many replies seem
to be hyper fixated on whether she was wrong to not expect a sofa bed. That’s neither here nor there, because she rectified the issue at her own expense although I do feel she should have let her friend know because it can come off as offensive to leave without notice.

However, if I was the BG I’d definitely not be so offended that I’d disinvite someone who has paid money and given up time to travel. That is terribly rude and OTT.

If she has the nerve to expect you’ll want to sort things out when you’re back home she is really taking you for a mug.

That kind of move is friendship ending territory in my eyes, and if someone done that to me I’d consider the friendship is over unless they realise the error of their ways before the celebration and re-invited me. But if she waits until after the holiday to resolve this it would be a goodbye from me.

I don’t get why some are so opposed about others choosing to have a “destination birthday”. If you and your friends don’t celebrate birthdays like that it’s fine but many of us do. I’ve been abroad for people’s birthdays and celebrated my 30th in a European city with friends. If someone doesn’t want to come, I’m not offended. Many of my friends travel multiple times a year with family, friends or solo trips so it’s not really a big deal for them to go abroad for someone’s birthday.

Oops…I meant the poll shows people agree OP is NBU.

She sounds like a drama llama. Just enjoy your break - and bed - and let her get on with it. Wanting a bed is hardly high maintenance.

I think before this all escalates even further you should reach out to her and ask if you can have a private chat for 30 minutes. Everything that has happened here is because both you and the BG made ASSUMPTIONS, as a result there has been a big communication disconnect. I think you should really try and get together and iron this out. This is the kind of thing that can escalate and ruin a friendship unnecessarily. The easiest thing to do would be to storm off and never speak to her again but I can’t believe you really want that of a friendship you were willing to travel to the South of France for.

Another option is to have a third person there who is mature and calm and is a good friend to both of you to diffuse the situation and help you chat, maybe a male friend? Of course she may not be interested in doing this on her birthday but I think it would be a huge loss to both of you.

Your friend is a total cheeky cow. You've travelled to France for her birthday for gods sake. And you're expected to sleep on the sofa?!?! No one wants to do that. I would absolutely hate that for all the reasons you've mentioned.
Then she has the audacity to tell you both you can 'move on' and you'll talk about it when you get back?! She would no longer be a friend of mine.

I remember going to a wedding abroad and I spent a bloody fortune.
It was a smallish wedding with family and close friends. (I was the friend of bride and groom).
And I was expected to sleep on the floor!
On the actual floor! Not a pull out bed or anything. The bride said "you'll have to stay on the marble floor or don't stay with us at all".
So I didn't stay with them and I have absolutely nothing to do with her now.

You were being a bit unreasonable in joy excepting the dogs given you arrived later than everyone else. I know it's no ideal but it's for two nights or whatever-I'd just suck that up I think.
You should have communicated your subsequent plan better. Not telling her looked stand offish and a bit rude tbh..

However she is now being unreasonable in her reaction.

As pp said I would try one more time to actually talk to her about this and then fuck it off and just have a nice weekend with your pal.

Oh dear. The sofa bed situation is on you. However, to go all that way and be told not to attend the celebration should be a dealbreaker for you on the friendship front.

This really. Have a good holiday and then ignore the child in future

@NotWelcomeAtParties but she said "she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa." I would put this down to a misunderstanding or circumstances and let it go . Yes you have flights but I hope you will have found some nice things to do, If she has reimbursed you for the villa - great , if she would rather you had not turned up to her birthday party that is a different conversation . Personally I tend not to engage in hugely expensive parties , but that's just me

Your friend is childish - why does it matter you went to stay elsewhere?? You didn't ask for any money back and didn't cause a fuss.

Your friend sounds like someone who when they've planned something can't cope with any changes.

BG should be glad you booked elsewhere and freed up the sofa!

You get there a day later than everyone else so are staying for fewer nights and expect the twin? You’re not exactly being unreasonable but I really don’t know why you’d expect a bed tbh. The fact that you’re pregnant is a big deal, you should have told your friend. I never let anyone organise accommodation for me any more, I’ve ended up sharing bunk beds with DH and having so called “self catering” booked for us with no kitchen or living space (literally just the bedroom) with a baby who was waking at 430am.