Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

I mean I think that you are being unreasonable, you seemed to just expect that you should have got the bedroom what made you more deserving of it than the others? You knew there was a sofa bed and that was a possibility so she was deffo clear about that and not misleading. You arrived a day after everybody so was the room to sit empty waiting for you ? I think she’s quite rite as it feels to me you’ve made it all about you and your wants moans and needs. If you didn’t want the sofa bed she told you was there you should have communicated that well in advance. I’d be pissed at your melodramatics too to be quite honest

It was perfectly reasonable for you to decide to stay elsewhere in light of sharing your sleeping space with the rest of the group.

I wouldn’t communicate with her again. Enjoy your holiday and unless she apologises I wouldn’t speak to her again.

You wouldn't care about someone else's room arrangements. You are missing th point. The OP knew there was a double (which was accounted for and extra was paid for it), a twin and a sofa bed (and the price of these was the same). She knew she would not have the double. She says she didn't think she would automatically be given a twin and says she wouldn't sleep on the sofa. So which was it? Because there were three people and three beds. Two of the people arrived a night earlier and knew each other. The third person arrived a day later and didn't know anyone. Presumably the OP wasn't planning on sleeping in the double bed. Or in an already slept in twin bed with a complete stranger. Where did she think she was going to sleep? The moment she heard the word sofa bed, she should have said that was never going to suit her - pregnant or not. She didn't say this and then wondered where she would sleep on her arrival. She either gave no thought whatsoever to the sleeping arrangements and/or presumed she was going to share the twin room. Both were her fault surely? Why would the birthday girl rush back from her activity to console the visibly distressed latecomer?

But I completely agree that uninviting from the party was more unnecessary drama.

I'm still puzzled as to why OP's friend contributed to an extravagant birthday gift for a woman he didn't know. I can only assume (hopefully wrongly) that OP didn't insist that it was her friend and therefore she would be the one buying the gift as F was already doing after spending a lot of money and time to accompany her so she wouldn't be alone among strangers.

I agree.

A sofa bed option when a whole group is there when the room the sofa bed is in will be used for socialising is a totally shit option for anyone who ends up with it. Either book accommodation that ensures everyone gets a proper bed in a room even if they have to share or allow them to book accommodation close by and then all meet up in the larger accommodation that has a room for socialising.

Agree with this too:

OP is well within her right to go and find another room somewhere more suitable now she’s pregnant and doesn’t fancy sleeping in the communal area. It’s not about the fucking bed it’s about her dick of a mate who thinks it’s appropriate to uninvite someone from their birthday celebrations who just travelled to another country on account of their sodding birthday!

@NotWelcomeAtParties I too think you handled the situation well and with grace, you didn't ask for a refund just made an alternative arrangement and I am failing to see how that is such a crime of the century. The BG is being completely weird, why is it so important for you to actually be in that accommodation? You are there for the celebration which is the whole point of the exercise surely? Why does she want you effectively run out of the village? Completely over the top and bonkers.

I would dump this friend, don't engage any further with her and enjoy your holiday with your travelling companion which I am sure you will.

But it wasn't your trip and no prior discussion happened. You knew there had been no such discussion. You arrived a day late- what did you expect? That no one should have taken any beds at all pending your arrival?

Why were you surprised the worst option was the only one left.

Your friend over-reacted but tbh you've been a drama queen too.

Jesus she sounds melodramatic, needy and a nightmare. YANBU. I’d tell her a few home truths and then block her and return the gift.

I mean there’s ‘sofa bed’ and ‘sofa bed in a communal area so you get no sleep or privacy’

YANBU!

I think you both sound unreasonable.
TBF if you are a light sleeper and were planning on early nights I think you'd have been disappointed even if you'd got a bed. The others there would be drinking /playing music /chatting and staying up late so doubt you'd have slept much.
Unfortunately arriving late means you get the worst sleeping arrangement.
Your friend (BG) was being pathetic to uninvte you and say how upset she was etc.
Do you feel the friendship has run it's course? If so just block her, if not try and sort it out. Hopefully when she calms down she'll see how silly she was.
Return the gift though and concentrate on your friendship with F. He sounds lovely.

Anyone opting for a destination birthday is going to predisposed to ridiculous outbursts.

This thread is making me giggle.

OP: There was a minor understandable mix-up and I came up with a discrete solution at which point my friend napalmed our friendship and ordered me out of the village. AIBU?
Mumsnet: YABU TO NOT ANTICIPATE SOFABED!
😆

OP - I think you were entirely reasonable and your solution was ideal.

I travel with friends more than I travel with DH and there’s usually one room that’s better than the other in holiday accommodation. Every time I travel with a friend I always ALWAYS make sure to discuss in advance whose turn it is for the better room so there is no disappointment or friction.

Given that you ALWAYS do this, it’s a shame you didn’t this time and instead, assumed it had been sorted, when it very much hadn’t.

Lesson definitely learnt!

Enjoy the rest of the time away, and all the best with the pregnancy.

Bless you, op, you were the outsider on this trip long before you got there - you just didn't realise it until you got to the villa.

Had your relationship with BG been deteriorating before this?

I think it was kind of you to go - I'd rather saw off my own head than go on holiday with a mate's work friends.

I do think you could have tried to communicate with her before leaving - actually if you were all paying the same she could have had the sofabed, her partner gone in the dorm (assuming it's a male partner) and you and F could have had the master bedroom. I'm sure suggesting that would have ended in the same result, though.

Like I say, you've never been part of their gang and she's put that in writing now.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

"F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room."

I think this is the problem. You turned up a day later than everyone else. The twin room was already taken.

With hindsight (easy now!) Maybe you should've text BG And made it very clear that because you were pregnant you expected the twin room and that when you arrived a day later than everyone else you expected to have that room.

I think it’s irrelevant what the OP was or was not expecting. She realised on arrival that she’d have to sleep in a bed that would be used as a sofa for socialising until goodness knows how late. She sorted out the problem in an un-dramatic way and made no request for her money back. Problem sorted. I don’t know what BG’s issue is but she sounds very childish to react this way and to not understand why someone would not want to slum it on a sofa bed where they’ll have little privacy or sleep.

Yanbu. I go away with friends fairly often, no-one sleeps in the living room. That means any night owls can party and everyone is comfortable and has a bed.

You had a perfect solution. I would have done the same.

This !

You are convinced that the sofa bed is so clearly the worst option that it should have been made clear up front who was going to sleep in it, and they should have possibly even paid less. I am with you in that it wouldn't be my preferred option. But, having been on a number of group holidays, you can't assume everyone is the same as you. There are a lot of people who a) will sleep anywhere at all and not care or b) might have actually preferred to sleep there, rather than, for example, in the 'dorm' with 3/4 others. Whether because they are tall/big and would prefer a (nearly always double) sofa bed to a single twin/bunk, or because they snore/have nightmares/want to be able to get to the toilet without disturbing others, whatever. So while it might not be the best option, it could be very likely that birthday girl honestly didn't think it was the booby prize you do, and, again (as you've acknowledged) it would be reasonable of her to assume if anyone wasn't happy with the proposed sleeping arrangements, they would have made that clear beforehand.

Still doesn't mean birthday girl wasn't ott suggesting you leave town! I'm glad you and F are still having a nice time.

You are both being unreasonable. You for assuming you wouldn't be on the sofa bed - if it was an issue you should have said so at the time of booking. And she is unreasonable for over reacting.

Unless she's just turned 18 or 21 she really needs to get over the 'vision' she had for her birthday. Quite frankly she's a cow. I wouldn't expect my pregnant friend to sleep on a sofa bed at any stage of her pregnancy, much less if I had known she had a previous loss. I'd just be bloody glad that you didn't cancel and actually showed up. You also left the place on a positive note, not surly or rude to the other guests so to me her behaviour is rude. The only thing I would say is that arrangements for rooms should have been agreed prior to going away and payment should have been made accordingly. I would never have paid the same as the others when whilst sleeping ona sofa-bed. That person was always going to draw the short straw, nowhere to unpack, settle yourself and always having to wait till the others went to bed before they could, not much of a holiday.

Just enjoy the trip, she doesn't get to end your holiday. You can consider whether it's a friendship worth saving once you get back home.

Also a good point.

I would not like the sofa bed & would probably arrange a room elsewhere, as OP did.

But I might well choose sofa bed & living room to myself (let's say everyone goes to bed at midnight & is up 8ish, I'd get enough sleep) over sharing a twin with a stranger all night.

Obviously, OP totally didn't fancy it because of pregnancy tiredness, but, well, how is BG to know? She booked ages ago, OP didn't veto the sofa bed option, she presumably thought it wouldn't be an issue.

BG is still being a prize knob with the 0-60 'get out of town!' bullshit, but definitely a crossed wires situation.

She sounds like a spoiled brat... you paid her with the intention of a room which was then allowed someone else to take, so you fixed your own sleeping arrangements. Not sure why she’s angry and upset 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wow people really missed the point of the thread.

Op's expectations of sleeping arrangements are neither here nor there.

BG was out of line disinviting you and also thinking she had authority to tell you to leave the area. Absolutely nuts.

While perhaps you could have been a bit more proactive in advance about making it clear that a sofa bed would not be a possibility for you, her reaction is extreme and nasty. Especially as you were paying for your share of the villa as well as for your own accommodation. Did she assume without checking that you were expecting her to pay you back?

There may have been some misunderstanding that could be cleared up. However, if she is simply having a tantrum because you were not participating in an all-night slumber party (is she perhaps jealous of your friendship with F?), then this is very unpleasant of her - nasty to you, and nasty to F.

Entirely agree!

You are my people. An en-suite is a must! And blackout shades. Which is why I stay in hotels. If it’s a holiday house rental, it’d better be suitable for grown adults, not a bunch of Uni students willing to rough it.