Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

But sleeping arrangements aside, your friend is a brat. I’d have done the same in your shoes

@SpidersAreShitheads Damn that’s a great response, well said. Agree with you 💯%.

Oh Op I'm so sorry your BG has shown herself to you so spectacularly.

Even if she was pissed off that you went off in a huff over a sofa bed - I know that want the case in reality but this is clearly your friends perception of what happened. Then your BG should have put it to the back of her mind for the sake of the weekend celebrations and continued with the plans for the big birthday celebrations.

In a big group she would have to split her mingling amongst the whole party anyway and possibly could have avoided you a bit if needed. Not cut you off there and then, tell you not to come to the party and piss off out of the area!!!!!

What an absolutely disproportionate response to the situation.

I need to know a bit more about your friendship with this person? She has obviously decided now is the time for friendship to come to an end as there is no, never, not ever any chance of coming back from this.

Is she jealous of you?

Both of your communication before the event left a lot to be desired.

But to plays devils avocado, I think the key is how BG found out about your change of arrangements. If you had explained this to her personally and assured her you weren’t backing out of the social events, her reaction probably would have been very different. You said you did ‘express disappointment’ at the time, so I will assume this is an understatement. For all you know, BG came back from sightseeing to be told ‘your friend had a major hissy fit about the sofa bed and stormed out.’

Queue her telling you to just keep going.

Frankly who even has a 'destination birthday', talk about self absorbed....

YADNBU. I would have liked a heads up if I was left with the sofa bed, and wouldn't be happy with that sleeping arrangement either. But without any drama you just made an alternative arrangement (at additional cost to yourselves) and sorted it, she has zero reason to be 'upset and angry' and should be grateful you all came to the south of France for her. Well at least she refunded you your share of the Villa. Fuck 'moving on' or sorting it out when you get back, uninviting you is massively petulant. Enjoy your holiday with your friend free from having to pander to BG's over the top birthday.

I get that it's nice to do something special for a big birthday but jeez....(I'd be interested to know how she is turning!)

But if that’s the case and BG has just uninvited OP and told her to leave the village from a “he said she said” type of conversation with her work colleagues then this puts BG in an even worse light. If BG was a half decent friend she should have spoken to the OP directly to find out what was going on with her, not just take what her work colleagues word.

Oh I feel sorry for BG. I presume this is a big birthday (lol re destination birthday). She's spent hours planning it. She cares enough about her best mate to invite another friend along which is kind.

She finds somewhere which accommodates a big group as well she can. I imagine not all the blokes were thrilled to sleep in a dorm on the basis that they are not 11. The other women have to share a room too so all the sleeping arrangements are a bit shitty. But it's only somewhere to sleep. You did know this.

You turn up a day after everyone else so obviously you'd get the sofa. It's crap yes but someone had to have it. You then leave without telling her, explaining anything etc. in front of her other friends who you don't know as well. She gets back and is upset and embarrassed because you've flounced off.

She would have had this picture in her head of what this weekend was going to look like for ages. Rightly or wrongly but just because we may find the idea of a destination birthday faintly silly, it was important to her and you wanted to be involved.

She's tried to be thoughtful to you by inviting F. You have not paid her the same compliment. Now this lovely weekend she had in her head is going to feel awkward and disjoined with a slight air of cringe if you are there. She wanted a big group all around having fun together and you stepped away. I can understand why she got upset and reacted as she was hurt and angry.

It does have a strong whiff of the 9 year old about it of course but she's only human and you upset her. I can see why she felt really undervalued by you (need a mate to come along, turn up late, expect special treatment, go without talking to her, ruin her plans) and she reacted to that.

I actually don't think it was wrong of you to book the other room. I just think you could have handled it with a bit more empathy.

As a light sleeper myself, I wouldn't be happy with a sofa bed, especially in the lounge if I wasn't drinking and would be in bed earlier.

However, you'd have been much better addressing this earlier in all honesty as it was pretty obvious this might happen. Your friend mentioned somebody would need to take the sofa bed and you were last to arrive. Had you not been the last to arrive you surely would've taken the twin room yourself.

But to plays devils avocado

🤭

I will be using this phrase from now on 😂

She is a selfish little princess who has thrown her toys out the pram because she didn’t get her birthday the way she imagined it. You are better if not bothering with people like that. Let her stew in your own entitlement but don’t let her put it on you by speaking to her about it.

I can see why she felt really undervalued by you (need a mate to come along, turn up late, expect special treatment, go without talking to her, ruin her plans) and she reacted to that.

that’s a rather unfair summary.

I did not “need a mate to come” - she invited F in the spirit of “the more the merrier” as they get along well, but I expect she also invited him because she wanted to make sure I would have someone there too along all her other friends - which was kind of her.

We turned up late because it’s a small place and there aren’t direct flights every day. To turn up on the day would have required multiple trains and a journey of around 8 hours plus transiting times, or a plane and a train trip with a very late arrival, or we would have had to extend the trip by extra days in both directions which was too difficult for both of us to manage regarding time off work. The logistics of this trip have not been straightforward for us!

I didn’t expect any special treatment. I turned up, realised I had the sofa bed (which I had forgotten was even a possibility) and booked a room elsewhere which was a solution which inconvenienced NO ONE

I should have messaged her when I left. Yes. And if we ever speak to each other again I will apologise for that.

I don’t see how I ruined her plans. Except her plan for me to sleep on the sofa because fuck that for a joke. It would have meant very little sleep for me and I probably would have ruined the atmosphere under those circumstances by being miserable company.

After thinking about this whole situation some more, my thoughts are that if you expect people to travel a long distance to celebrate with you, you need to be prepared to be a bit flexible about things.

(Unless you are paying for everything!)

You haven’t done anything wrong op.
Of course you didn’t expect to sleep on a sofa bed in a public space that is shared with nine other people some complete strangers, no one allows that to happen without a conversation first. Assuming courtesy is not a crime. I am
not sure I would even feel safe.

I am sure it was a rush to reorganise somewhere at such short notice, and ruining her day out with a message that you have relocated isn’t kind.

Her reaction said everything about her, not you.
I would have called and apologised that you had flown so far to join me and your sleeping arrangements were so inadequate, not made it all about me.

I hope she calms down and does the right thing today, quire how you will see her after this debacle remains to be seen. Personally I wouldn’t want to remain friends with such a selfish, entitled drama Queen!

I promised to update.

She did actually message me last night.

She sent a breezy message inviting us both to after-dinner drinks. By the time I received it I was already tucked up in bed in my pyjamas, but I think she had sent it a bit earlier and it didn’t come through straight away (my roaming doesn’t work very well here).

By that time, I had been alone with my thoughts for a while and felt really shit about everything, and just wished I was at home with DH and our lovely cat.

I just couldn’t believe I’d come all this way, and sorted all the logistics out, and taken time off work only to be disinvited from the main event. And dragged F into this mess too. With the money we’ve spent we could have flown long haul and gone somewhere of our choosing.

I just think if we’ve bothered to make the trip in the first place you can’t just say “don’t come to the party” because we actually ARE here. We’ve come! It’s too late to say we’re not welcome any more.

I didn’t reply to her message and I don’t know that I will. I just can’t believe it, really.

@NotWelcomeAtParties are you willing to let your entire friendship die over this?

Was the "main birthday event" last night? You said she invited you to after-dinner drinks. Was that dinner the main event?

Well she’s had time to calm down I imagine and realised she reacted really hastily. Why not reply and tell her you went to bed early and missed her invitation and are feeling so sad about it all?

How many years have you been friends - decades or a few years?
How much does she mean to you?
Is she a very close friend?

If yes to above I’d think about talking it through at least. You cared enough to come to travel a big distance to be there for her whilst pregnant.

I think after dinner drinks is worse than not being invited at all, tbh.

Did you read the part where BG instructed her to "move on" from the area?! BG is a prize btch to dare message that to someone who spent a fortune getting to that location for her* birthday!

I am trying to be measured, people say things in anger. If they have been friends for twenty years plus and are usually very close that would be good to know.

After dinner drinks? Is she taking the piss?
You've got on a flight to FRANCE for her birthday?!! Used your annual leave, spent all that money etc ...
She's uninvited you from her birthday event but then invited you for after dinner drinks?!
I swear to god, that really is taking the piss.
And this is how she treats her friends?!

You really don't need the hassle OP.

This. She has treated you poorly but she probably thinks you're being a bit difficult (as it did come across as the sofa bed is fine for someone else but not me) - she doesn't know about the pregnancy of course.
You need to make a decision really. If you want to still have a friendship with her you need to reply. If you don't I can't really see any way back.

You and F are going to be bonded over this when you're 80.

Clearly the sofa bed was a possibility, but you did her a favour by going elsewhere. But perhaps she thought you were expecting your money back?

Telling you to leave the resort is just nuts though.

It was always obvious that if you arrive a day late you are going to be the one on the sofa. So you should really have anticipated this before you got there.

BG has created drama where none was necessary and I don't think I'd want to continue the friendship after this. Make the most of having some free time with your close friend and enjoy the holiday location. Return or sell the gift. Don't bother to contact BG after the holiday.

The facts so far, OP was made aware that one of the sleeping arrangements was a pull out couch, she arrived the day after the rest so off course she was the most likely candidate for the pull out couch. Did they expect to save a bed until she arrived the following day ? The others don't know that she is pregnant. they don't realise how wrecked she is. On the basis, she is 100% unreasonable. Bday girl was however unreasonable for uninviting her to the party. She obv realised this and tried to make amends by asking her for drinks, it's not her fault that ops wifi isn't good. now it looks like she flounced off about bed and ignored message about drinks. without knowing about the pregnancy it's coming across as princess vibes