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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

696 replies

partie · 14/10/2022 15:09

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 19:38

GloriousGlory · 18/10/2022 19:21

Not as unpleasant as you! Telling other mothers that their DDs will end up with cocklodgers or mummy's boys, based on your experience!

That's horrible and nasty!

Just because their daughters want to pay equally?

Show quote history

That was my daughter being referred to. She'd laugh at the outmoded ridiculousness of it. 20-somethings don't think like that AT ALL.

I fear for the daughters of some of these posters.

GloriousGlory · 18/10/2022 19:41

Your daughter I'm sure is awesome @AhNowTed!

AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 19:52

GloriousGlory · 18/10/2022 19:41

Your daughter I'm sure is awesome @AhNowTed!

Her doc martens would be up the hole of some dope that expected her to play the weaker sex 😂

ambermorning · 18/10/2022 19:53

Nice attempted deflection there.

On the swearing, well, some people are offended by it. Would you walk into a room of strangers and start swearing? Probably not. So why inflict it on people you don't know online?

Anyway, at least you're not a man swearing and calling women stupid, as Cuppa said. Lucky eh?

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/10/2022 19:54

AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 19:52

Her doc martens would be up the hole of some dope that expected her to play the weaker sex 😂

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Why does being paid for on a date make you weak?

AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 19:58

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/10/2022 19:54

Why does being paid for on a date make you weak?

Show quote history

It doesn't.

Again, it's the expectation that's the problem.

ambermorning · 18/10/2022 20:05

AhNowTed ·- are you saying should expect nothing more then being treated like one if his mates?

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/10/2022 20:07

AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 19:58

It doesn't.

Again, it's the expectation that's the problem.

Show quote history

Sorry you’re all over the shop here. So your point is about the unreasonable expectations of gold digging women, not being relegated to a ‘weaker role’ by men?

ambermorning · 18/10/2022 20:07

"women should expect" that should read, my apologies.

Raindropsandslatetiles · 18/10/2022 20:14

ambermorning · 18/10/2022 19:53

Nice attempted deflection there.

On the swearing, well, some people are offended by it. Would you walk into a room of strangers and start swearing? Probably not. So why inflict it on people you don't know online?

Anyway, at least you're not a man swearing and calling women stupid, as Cuppa said. Lucky eh?

Its mumsnet we fucking swear. Its a thing, dont fucking police it

AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 20:16

ambermorning · 18/10/2022 18:26

"And why would a woman want/need to accept?"

No women needs to want or accept anything. But, if you prefer a man who has certain manners towards women and a certain integrity around that, then that's what you prefer and why the hell should you settle for less?

If women don't want any hint of gender-related behaviours or manners from men because this threatens their fragile sense of equality, then that is their prerogative too. I'm sure plenty of men will oblige these days.

"But, if you prefer a man who has certain manners towards women and a certain integrity around that, then that's what you prefer and why the hell should you settle for less?"

I’m sorry but his integrity has zero to do with his money.

What do you mean “settle for less”. I don’t need to “settle” for anything. It’s a date for god’s sake. And I’m a grown woman who can stand a round of drinks.

“fragile sense of equality”.

You’re having a laugh now. It’s a date, where 2 people meet for a few drinks. He gets a round, I get a round. That’s it.

"I'm sure plenty of men will oblige these days."

I know MN is predominately middle-aged women like me, but “these days” 20-somethings have an entirely different outlook. They have platonic relationships with the opposite sex (I know we didn't back in the day, but they do now), friends who are gay, lesbian, trans all totally accepted without question. My own adult children certainly do. They don't need to be "obliged" by anyone.

I think I must be on a different planet, where two people agree to go for a few drinks, which may or may not lead to something. End of.

StarmanBobby · 18/10/2022 20:24

I’ll be telling my DS to steer well clear of women who expect him to pick up the tab on the first date.
hopefully he’ll find someone from this century and not the last to settle down with…

AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 20:26

ambermorning · 18/10/2022 20:05

AhNowTed ·- are you saying should expect nothing more then being treated like one if his mates?

No, I'm saying women should expect nothing less than being treated as an equal. And they should act like one.

What on earth is the problem with going for a few drinks, he buys a round, you buy a round.

I honestly do not get it.

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/10/2022 20:26

StarmanBobby · 18/10/2022 20:24

I’ll be telling my DS to steer well clear of women who expect him to pick up the tab on the first date.
hopefully he’ll find someone from this century and not the last to settle down with…

Yes, like I said, mummy’s boys. No doubt you’ll get him to keep reminding his SAHM wife that ‘he pays for everything’ as well.

GloriousGlory · 18/10/2022 20:29

ambermorning · 18/10/2022 19:53

Nice attempted deflection there.

On the swearing, well, some people are offended by it. Would you walk into a room of strangers and start swearing? Probably not. So why inflict it on people you don't know online?

Anyway, at least you're not a man swearing and calling women stupid, as Cuppa said. Lucky eh?

Let me explain what cuppa said, that I would say a man was misogynistic because he swore? No, you could say he's rude?

Misogyny would be calling a woman a bitch?

So I'm not deflecting, I was actually not trying to make her look a fool, but pointing about the bloody obvious!

But hey ho!

GloriousGlory · 18/10/2022 20:30

@Cuppasoupmonster not just mummy's boy, cocklodger as well!

Or did you forget?

5128gap · 18/10/2022 20:31

AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 17:19

On a first date most do.

But (repeating myself) even the most generous of men would balk at the expectation that he does.

Show quote history

So, we've established that most men offer to pay on the first date, and most women know this.
But when on a first date with a new man, we must pretend not to know this, and act as though we fully expect him not to offer.
Then when the almost inevitable offer materialises, we must feign surprise at the man's generosity, which we must pretend is totally unexpected, despite it being exactly what most other men do?

ambermorning · 18/10/2022 20:33

My son is 19 and at Oxford with his gf. I'm not saying he pays for her for everything, as they mostly do student-type things, but even he would pay for the first few dates. A group of them took the gfs up the Shard for dinner recently and the girls didn't pay.

AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 20:40

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/10/2022 20:07

Sorry you’re all over the shop here. So your point is about the unreasonable expectations of gold digging women, not being relegated to a ‘weaker role’ by men?

Show quote history

Actually I think the general point of the thread is about expectant women who believe the man should pay.

@Cuppasoupmonster tell me please, what is your issue with going for a drink, he buys a round, you buy a round? I genuinely don't get it.

Lunar270 · 18/10/2022 20:44

AhNowTed · 18/10/2022 17:19

On a first date most do.

But (repeating myself) even the most generous of men would balk at the expectation that he does.

Show quote history

Unfortunately it's not really sinking in is it. As you say, it's all about expectation. I honestly can't understand why that's so difficult to grasp.

Every man I know would be happy to pay for a meal on the first date, but most if not all would baulk at the expectation.

Do we actually know why it became tradition for men to pay? I have my suspicions and none are progressive. I don't see how it's possible to sugar coat chivalry, protectionism, promise of sex, gender prejudices, benevolent sexism, women not earning enough to pay for a meal etc. My daughters sound like yours and are not being bankrolled by anyone, perhaps except for their parents 😂

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/10/2022 20:46

So it isn’t about sexism after all, just greedy women?

GloriousGlory · 18/10/2022 20:47

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/10/2022 20:46

So it isn’t about sexism after all, just greedy women?

Bit of both I'd say.

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/10/2022 20:53

But if it’s about expectation that’s purely the woman’s issue, so how can it be about sexism?

Lunar270 · 18/10/2022 20:53

5128gap · 18/10/2022 20:31

So, we've established that most men offer to pay on the first date, and most women know this.
But when on a first date with a new man, we must pretend not to know this, and act as though we fully expect him not to offer.
Then when the almost inevitable offer materialises, we must feign surprise at the man's generosity, which we must pretend is totally unexpected, despite it being exactly what most other men do?

Show quote history

Or you could perhaps buck the trend and get your purse out?

All that other stuff sounds like a lot of faff.

StarmanBobby · 18/10/2022 20:54

@Cuppasoupmonster ’Yes, like I said, mummy’s boys. No doubt you’ll get him to keep reminding his SAHM wife that ‘he pays for everything’ as well.’
WTF are you on, glue?? He’s 12, he hasn’t got a decking wide and kids… and I want him to find a partner, woman or man, where they’re equals… and avoid the kind of women who are misogynistic towards other women.