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AIBU?

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Original poster

to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

696 replies

partie · 14/10/2022 15:09

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

OP posts:
ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:26

I think I the people on here are saying first dates should be 50/50 are probably the ones who did / are doing online dating. If you've only met someone on the internet, they could be any random, so probably best to just meet somewhere you can get away quickly, if need be - like a coffee and go or something. If you are meeting loads of random people all the time, I can see how it's become normal these days that men are not paying.

But, apart from that, yes, of course men should pay for the first date! If they can't even make that gesture, there's no hope for the future..

GloriousGlory · 15/10/2022 07:28

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:26

I think I the people on here are saying first dates should be 50/50 are probably the ones who did / are doing online dating. If you've only met someone on the internet, they could be any random, so probably best to just meet somewhere you can get away quickly, if need be - like a coffee and go or something. If you are meeting loads of random people all the time, I can see how it's become normal these days that men are not paying.

But, apart from that, yes, of course men should pay for the first date! If they can't even make that gesture, there's no hope for the future..

You're wrong!

I met my DH at the local pub.

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:31

Well I never in my life went in dated with men who didn't try to pay at least in the first few dates. Mind you, this was all circa 1990-2000.

I think MN needs a new expression - "the 1990s are calling."

GloriousGlory · 15/10/2022 07:32

missmamiecuddleduck · 15/10/2022 07:24

The fact that men expect women to pay 50/50 when women don't get 50% of anything. Not 50% of the money, 50% of the privilege, 50% of the safety, 50% of the space they're allowed to take up, none of that. But, pay. Pay equal amounts even though you don't have equal rights.

Pay 50/50 but you have to wait around for the man to propose marriage.

When a man will more likely outearn you
When you move in together and the expectation is there for you to do the majority of housework and wifework
When you have a baby and your career is scrapped and put on hold and you're doing near 100% of childcare
He goes to work and gets promotions and makes even more and gets to come home to a hot meal and he might put the dishes in the dishwasher, bathe the children, put the bins out and so he helped. Give him a medal!

Then you go back to work PT but make sure him and the children are priority. One is sick, it's you picking them up from school. It's you doing the drop offs and pick ups, sorting uniforms, packing lunches, but you still go to work and pay your 50% financially

What a deal for him because you know equality!

I'm so glad I don't live in that world, never have!

DH and I are total equals.

I wonder why women encourage men to buy this privilege in a relationship.

You can have all that but you pay for dinner?

luxxlisbon · 15/10/2022 07:33

This is also the reason I think women should get the full editorial control of their weddings. Not being that interested in something but going along with it with good grace because it matters to your wife is excellent training for the early childrearing years when as a bloke much of the information comes to you second hand. If your wife says the kid needs to be napping by 3pm, trusting that she has good reason to do so will make everyone's life better.

The strangest thing I’ve read in a long time.

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:39

Sorry I have not read the full thread (it's too early) but I have a question for all the women on here I assume are saying they never expected their DH to pay on dates ooooh noooo -

Do you now have separate finances in your marriage?

Did you have to go back to work after DC before you were ready?

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/10/2022 07:40

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:26

I think I the people on here are saying first dates should be 50/50 are probably the ones who did / are doing online dating. If you've only met someone on the internet, they could be any random, so probably best to just meet somewhere you can get away quickly, if need be - like a coffee and go or something. If you are meeting loads of random people all the time, I can see how it's become normal these days that men are not paying.

But, apart from that, yes, of course men should pay for the first date! If they can't even make that gesture, there's no hope for the future..

I agree with this.

First date with complete stranger off the internet - 50-50.

Invited out for nice meal by someone who I already knew who had already made his interest clear - he pays although I might offer to pay half if I knew he didn't earn well.

A man who goes out of his way to treat you to a meal and insists on paying is attractive. It's not about money (at least not for me) - the meal could be cheap - but it's about his generosity and being considerate and also would indicate to me that he thinks highly of me.

GloriousGlory · 15/10/2022 07:42

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:39

Sorry I have not read the full thread (it's too early) but I have a question for all the women on here I assume are saying they never expected their DH to pay on dates ooooh noooo -

Do you now have separate finances in your marriage?

Did you have to go back to work after DC before you were ready?

Joint everything for us.

GloriousGlory · 15/10/2022 07:45

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:39

Sorry I have not read the full thread (it's too early) but I have a question for all the women on here I assume are saying they never expected their DH to pay on dates ooooh noooo -

Do you now have separate finances in your marriage?

Did you have to go back to work after DC before you were ready?

Sorry missed the last bit, I stayed off as long as we could afford it. It certainly wasn't because he had money and I didn't.

Because everything is joint.

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:52

I'm glad to hear everything is joint for you GloriousGlory.

You do see so many accounts of women with the most hideous of stingy men on here. Absolute wankers if the highest order. It's actually scary. And some women don't even expect any money from their own husbands while their on maternity because "I'm independent." Then there are so many men with no morals whatsoever who bugger off and fight to pay the actual minimum they possibly can in child support. This is the generation being bred and this is what women have to avoid like the plague. And definitely don't collude with it. When it comes to dating, start as you mean to go on. A man who won't even buy you dinner when he's meant to be trying to impress you? Imagine him in ten years...., (no, actually, don't).

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:53

they're on maternity (sorry for all typos).

wb3 · 15/10/2022 07:57

Some posters are simultaneously complaining about Patriarchy whilst advising on actions that perpetuate it.

EarthSwallowMeWhole · 15/10/2022 08:02

@TwinsAndTiramisu

What happens if you find out your DH is having affair? Will you look the other way in order to maintain this lifestyle? And all good and great if you can swallow it and carry on, but what happens if he leaves you for the OW? I doubt he will be so generous in continuing to pay for your house and bills when he isn't living in it.

And before you say your DH would never do that, he loves his family too much etc. I have seen threads over the years where posters would swear their OH would never ever cheat, because 'he is so kind, gentle,loving, my best friend etc etc' and yet...in the end the husband cheated.

Always have a back up plan in place if you don't already.

Medoca · 15/10/2022 08:08

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:39

Sorry I have not read the full thread (it's too early) but I have a question for all the women on here I assume are saying they never expected their DH to pay on dates ooooh noooo -

Do you now have separate finances in your marriage?

Did you have to go back to work after DC before you were ready?

Everything goes into one pot (both wages go into the joint account). Has done since we first bought a house together. When we had a baby we both took leave, some together, some on our own. We were both very happy with the time we had off and went back to work when ready. We earn similar amounts, we work similar hours (we actually work in the same industry), so not sure if that helps. I do drop offs, he does pick ups. We have a cleaner, but both do too ups in the house, both will put a wash in when needed etc. We’re very content in our set up.

Pumpkinsbeinghitbyfallingapples · 15/10/2022 08:09

Pay 50/50 but you have to wait around for the man to propose marriage

Nope

We discussed getting engaged, we discussed getting married, we had a clear mutually agreed upon timeliness

Possibly not romantic enough for some women on here but there is no way in hell I was going to sit around and wait for a man to decide when I should get married

We are equals. We make decisions as equals

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 08:13

Er, you do realise you can have a man pay for dinner as a gesture and still be 'an equal?'

Why on earth would you assume you're not an equal in the first place?

Medoca · 15/10/2022 08:15

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:52

I'm glad to hear everything is joint for you GloriousGlory.

You do see so many accounts of women with the most hideous of stingy men on here. Absolute wankers if the highest order. It's actually scary. And some women don't even expect any money from their own husbands while their on maternity because "I'm independent." Then there are so many men with no morals whatsoever who bugger off and fight to pay the actual minimum they possibly can in child support. This is the generation being bred and this is what women have to avoid like the plague. And definitely don't collude with it. When it comes to dating, start as you mean to go on. A man who won't even buy you dinner when he's meant to be trying to impress you? Imagine him in ten years...., (no, actually, don't).

I guess it depends on how you look at it. I don’t want a man to ‘impress me’ by spending money on me. When I dated my now husband, we used to go out for drinks and take it in turns to buy rounds - I started as I meant to go on as you would say. I would have hated him to buy all the drinks, I don’t want to be treated like a princess, I want to be treated as an equal. We were both penniless grads, so when we graduated to dinner, we first spilt, then took it turns to pay.

Pumpkinsbeinghitbyfallingapples · 15/10/2022 08:19

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:39

Sorry I have not read the full thread (it's too early) but I have a question for all the women on here I assume are saying they never expected their DH to pay on dates ooooh noooo -

Do you now have separate finances in your marriage?

Did you have to go back to work after DC before you were ready?

Everything is joint, both our salaries go into the joint account and then we get the same amount of money each into our personal account for non joint purchases

Currently I am the higher earner, previously he has been the higher earner.

We couldn't have children but when we were trying we had a conversation around how we would manage leave etc. The plan was for shared parental leave.

Then if we did need to drop hours to support childcare then we would both do that e.g. we would both go to 4 days a week working, rather than me drop to 3 and my DH carry on full time. This was when he was the higher earner so it wasn't because I was earning more.

Housework etc is shared 50/50

Pumpkinsbeinghitbyfallingapples · 15/10/2022 08:23

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 08:13

Er, you do realise you can have a man pay for dinner as a gesture and still be 'an equal?'

Why on earth would you assume you're not an equal in the first place?

It's not that I don't think I am an equal in the first place

It's that there are men out there who think that we are not

By insisting on going 50/50 it has several benefits

It weeds out those who think that if they pay for the date they get sex
It weeds out those who are 'old fashioned' aka pay for dinner but in a relationship will expect you to do all the 'traditional women's chores'
It can help you judge whether a man will respect your boundaries

Besides if I was going on a date with a man I'd never met before why the hell should he have to pay my share?

GloriousGlory · 15/10/2022 08:28

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:52

I'm glad to hear everything is joint for you GloriousGlory.

You do see so many accounts of women with the most hideous of stingy men on here. Absolute wankers if the highest order. It's actually scary. And some women don't even expect any money from their own husbands while their on maternity because "I'm independent." Then there are so many men with no morals whatsoever who bugger off and fight to pay the actual minimum they possibly can in child support. This is the generation being bred and this is what women have to avoid like the plague. And definitely don't collude with it. When it comes to dating, start as you mean to go on. A man who won't even buy you dinner when he's meant to be trying to impress you? Imagine him in ten years...., (no, actually, don't).

When dating start as you mean to go on.......

Split the cost?

Not take, because they're their to impress you?

I'm not there to be impressed, I'm there to form a equal respectful relationship.

luxxlisbon · 15/10/2022 08:31

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 07:39

Sorry I have not read the full thread (it's too early) but I have a question for all the women on here I assume are saying they never expected their DH to pay on dates ooooh noooo -

Do you now have separate finances in your marriage?

Did you have to go back to work after DC before you were ready?

I don’t think anyone has said their husband has never paid.
To me being in a committed marriage is totally different from a first date. In our marriage money is viewed as joint. At times I out earned him, at times he earned more than me and for a while it was roughly the same so over time we each contributed differently.
He just recently treated me to a gorgeous and expensive present, I treated him to a takeaway the other night, at times I have booked a surprise holiday for him.
I genuinely don’t see how that’s the same as expecting a man to pay on the early dates because he is a man.

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 08:42

I think all this evens-stevens first date business is all well and good in very boring theory land.. But let's be real here for a minute. Which man has the more attractive qualities of these two? Man A who approaches you with "Can I take you out for dinner?" or man B whose attitude is more, "see you in the pub - your round."

GloriousGlory · 15/10/2022 08:48

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 08:42

I think all this evens-stevens first date business is all well and good in very boring theory land.. But let's be real here for a minute. Which man has the more attractive qualities of these two? Man A who approaches you with "Can I take you out for dinner?" or man B whose attitude is more, "see you in the pub - your round."

The one that treats you as an equal, in everything.

Not a lot of them seem to trust on MN, but the I suppose you don't come on here to say "my DH has just done all his housework".

For me it's all about equality.

Pumpkinsbeinghitbyfallingapples · 15/10/2022 08:52

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 08:42

I think all this evens-stevens first date business is all well and good in very boring theory land.. But let's be real here for a minute. Which man has the more attractive qualities of these two? Man A who approaches you with "Can I take you out for dinner?" or man B whose attitude is more, "see you in the pub - your round."

But that's not an accurate representative of scenario b

Scenario b is you mutually deciding you want to meet up and then both paying your half.

You might find it boring. Fine. You know what I find boring (not quite the right word but I will go with it for this post)

Post after post after post on the relationships boards of women who are fed up of waiting for men to propose. Women who are fed up of men not pulling their weight. Women financially trapped in unhappy marriages. Women who are dating and uncomfortable with how the men are behaving (not communicating enough etc) but won't actually have a drank conversation about it. Women who go on maternity leave without ever having had a clear conversation around finances and end up paying for it out of savings etc etc etc

Our relationship may be boring. It might not be big enough and romantic enough for some. But it's calm and steady and stable with mature conversations every step of the way about mutual decisions.

7Worfs · 15/10/2022 08:53

man B whose attitude is more, "see you in the pub - your round."

Oof, I would hate to be spoken to as if I am one of his mates.