Page 14 | to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

partie · 2022-10-14T14:09:05+00:00

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second. The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways. Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is. YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

Fuwari · 15/10/2022 09:01

Any of us can only go by our own experiences. It doesn’t matter what someone else’s experience on MN is. It means nothing.

The men who have been upfront about me paying half, those that got a second date, showed themselves as stingy. One tied himself in knots trying to find a route to my area (we’d met in his for the 1st date) that didn’t take him through zone 1 (London) as it costs more on the tube (all of £2.50!). I told him not to bother in the end. Another was cooking me dinner (sausage and mash) I asked could I bring anything, thinking maybe desert or a £10 bottle of wine. He asked for a £40 bottle of whisky, which I didn’t buy! I could reel off more. Those are my experiences.

The last person I lived with, he paid for all our early dates, though later I did buy him dinner here and there. He was generous with his money and once we lived together he was generous in other ways. He’d get home an hour before me so he’d cook our dinner every night. Every Sunday he’d do all of the ironing for the week ahead, while I did other chores. We didn’t have DC so can’t comment on childcare but he more than pulled his weight in other ways.

Those are my experiences, so I will go by that, rather than listen to someone on MN shouting “it’s 2022”.

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 09:04

Pumpkinsbeinghitbyfallingapples · 15/10/2022 08:52

But that's not an accurate representative of scenario b

Scenario b is you mutually deciding you want to meet up and then both paying your half.

You might find it boring. Fine. You know what I find boring (not quite the right word but I will go with it for this post)

Post after post after post on the relationships boards of women who are fed up of waiting for men to propose. Women who are fed up of men not pulling their weight. Women financially trapped in unhappy marriages. Women who are dating and uncomfortable with how the men are behaving (not communicating enough etc) but won't actually have a drank conversation about it. Women who go on maternity leave without ever having had a clear conversation around finances and end up paying for it out of savings etc etc etc

Our relationship may be boring. It might not be big enough and romantic enough for some. But it's calm and steady and stable with mature conversations every step of the way about mutual decisions.

Show quote history

Yeah but I think all that shitty behaviour from men stems from women trying to be all cool about equality.

Women seem afraid to spell out what they want in case they seem too needy or demanding or a million other things that men have convinced them they are for spelling out their expectations.

I want a man who takes care of me and our family. If he's not willing to do it then he's not the man for me.

TheHoover · 15/10/2022 09:08

And still the upper boundary on this thread is going dutch. Will no other female foot the entire bill themselves?

I wouldn’t judge any man by their attitude with the bill but I am rubbing my chin at any females under, say 35 expecting men to pay.

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 09:11

TheHoover · 15/10/2022 09:08

And still the upper boundary on this thread is going dutch. Will no other female foot the entire bill themselves?

I wouldn’t judge any man by their attitude with the bill but I am rubbing my chin at any females under, say 35 expecting men to pay.

Would you be willing to pay the full bill?

How old are you and do you have children, if you don't mind me asking? I am 37 and am surprised you would be prepared to pay it all.

TheHoover · 15/10/2022 09:16

46
I have children
If I am with with friends / family I dislike splitting bills - it’s always a casual ‘you get it next time’

Floweryflora · 15/10/2022 09:18

TheHoover · 15/10/2022 09:08

And still the upper boundary on this thread is going dutch. Will no other female foot the entire bill themselves?

I wouldn’t judge any man by their attitude with the bill but I am rubbing my chin at any females under, say 35 expecting men to pay.

No absolutely not. Having to pay for a bloke is as much a turn off as having to pay for a woman. Yuck

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/10/2022 09:18

KitsyWitsy · 14/10/2022 15:14

I prefer him to pay for the entirety of the relationship. The guy I’m seeng now earns about £140k. I earn about 30k. So it’s ludicrous and unfair to expect me to pay.

i would if I was dating some on equal income though.

I prefer him to pay for the entirety of the relationship

erm, I think there’s a word for tbat

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 09:20

Yes, friends and (extended) family is different... I agree that an "I'll get it next time" would be OK.

With a man I'd just met...no chance. I certainly wouldn't sit there awkwardly if it was clear from his body language/tone that he expected me to go halves. I would pay...but then he wouldn't get a second date (no matter how stellar a bloke he appeared to be)

Floweryflora · 15/10/2022 09:21

And yes if in a full blown relationship sure pay for each other, same with friends and family. But first or second date the thought of someone sitting their freeloading , male or female is so unattractive.

TheHoover · 15/10/2022 09:24

Accepting someone’s generosity is not freeloading.
it’s all about the intention behind. Intentions are coming through on this thread.
Given that I don’t believe in the traditional nonsense that the person with the penis should pay and I don’t like dutch it falls to one of us and why not the woman?

*granted that this wouldn’t apply if he was a wanker

Medoca · 15/10/2022 09:28

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 08:42

I think all this evens-stevens first date business is all well and good in very boring theory land.. But let's be real here for a minute. Which man has the more attractive qualities of these two? Man A who approaches you with "Can I take you out for dinner?" or man B whose attitude is more, "see you in the pub - your round."

Yes because they’re the only two options 🙄

Paying for a meal doesn’t make a man attractive to me, neither does him expecting me to pay.

Givenuptotally · 15/10/2022 09:32

I don’t think paying on a first date demonstrates that someone would be willing to help out following job loss, nor do I think it is an indicator someone isn’t mean with money or wouldn’t see finances in a relationship as something separate. You are placing massive value judgements on a first date which may mean you rule out some great guys or indeed, rule in someone unsuitable. It takes a while to see and understand someone’s attitude to money, stability etc.

I also think general dating etiquette is such that many men will pick up the bill on the first date as a done thing. And that tells you precisely sod all.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/10/2022 09:36

TheHoover · 15/10/2022 09:16

46
I have children
If I am with with friends / family I dislike splitting bills - it’s always a casual ‘you get it next time’

Of course - though that’s in the context of being pretty sure you’ll see that person again at some time. Doesn’t follow what a first date will lead to a second date!

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 09:38

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/10/2022 09:36

Of course - though that’s in the context of being pretty sure you’ll see that person again at some time. Doesn’t follow what a first date will lead to a second date!

Show quote history

If I knew that from my POV i had no intention of seeing the guy again...I would of course go halves!! But if I liked him then I would want him to pay.

TheHoover · 15/10/2022 09:45

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle
I’d offer even if I wasn’t sure.
I’d only not do this if the guy was a prick and the date had been awful

StarlightLady · 15/10/2022 09:45

I don't mind sex on a first date but I expect to split the price for dinner. But I would expect something simple like a pizza, I wouldn't want anywhere posh.

PanPacificBallroomChampion · 15/10/2022 09:48

StarlightLady · 15/10/2022 09:45

I don't mind sex on a first date but I expect to split the price for dinner. But I would expect something simple like a pizza, I wouldn't want anywhere posh.

Fair play.

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 09:54

"If I knew that from my POV i had no intention of seeing the guy again...I would of course go halves!! But if I liked him then I would want him to pay."

Yes exactly. I would be the same. It's not about money. It's about preferring men who have some "oomph" about them (to borrow a pp's username)!

gannett · 15/10/2022 09:58

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 08:42

I think all this evens-stevens first date business is all well and good in very boring theory land.. But let's be real here for a minute. Which man has the more attractive qualities of these two? Man A who approaches you with "Can I take you out for dinner?" or man B whose attitude is more, "see you in the pub - your round."

In all honesty, Man B, who's treating me as an equal.

The thing is, Man A doesn't know me. It's mildly creepy, actually. He wants to splash money on me based on what? My looks? The idea that I'll be impressed by his cash? Gender expectations that he should be the one taking control and paying for things, and I should smile passively and go along with it? He doesn't know anything about who I am as a person and so he can't possibly know how I like to be treated. He's making his suggestion of dinner to a cipher of a woman, not me as a person.

Lots of women on this thread prize generosity. But that ain't generosity to me. Generosity is how you treat someone you know and like. DP and I treat each other to dinner a lot and it means a lot because I know he's put love and effort into picking something I'll particularly enjoy (and vice versa). The generosity isn't just because he's spending money on me, it's because he's thought about what makes me happy.

None of that can possibly apply on a first date when you don't know the other person.

GetThatHelmetOn · 15/10/2022 10:08

User135644 · 14/10/2022 20:51

we also earn far less by doing the same job as a man

Is it 1970?

Show quote history

No. But things have not changed significantly, unless you work for a workplace with a pay scale or are not the minimum salary, you are still very much likely to get less for doing the same job. We have not reached real equality yet.

Look at mostly every home, women and men working full time,, the women still get the lions share of the responsibility of house chores and child rearing. If you have not noticed search “mental load”, we all complain about it, we have more work than a 1970s women even if we have a much better vacuum cleaner! 😁

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 10:12

GetThatHelmetOn · 15/10/2022 10:08

No. But things have not changed significantly, unless you work for a workplace with a pay scale or are not the minimum salary, you are still very much likely to get less for doing the same job. We have not reached real equality yet.

Look at mostly every home, women and men working full time,, the women still get the lions share of the responsibility of house chores and child rearing. If you have not noticed search “mental load”, we all complain about it, we have more work than a 1970s women even if we have a much better vacuum cleaner! 😁

Show quote history

But that's my point. I DONT want to be expected to work full time, plus do the housework, mind the kids, cram in my hobbies, still be dynamite in bed etc.

I want to be able to have options and therefore I needed a man on the same page so that I didn't have to work when the kids were small. As they're growing up, I'm working PT cos that suits the whole family.

I admit, it was luck that got me my husband (not a screening process on dates) but if I was starting again I would screen for sure.

Floweryflora · 15/10/2022 10:22

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 10:12

But that's my point. I DONT want to be expected to work full time, plus do the housework, mind the kids, cram in my hobbies, still be dynamite in bed etc.

I want to be able to have options and therefore I needed a man on the same page so that I didn't have to work when the kids were small. As they're growing up, I'm working PT cos that suits the whole family.

I admit, it was luck that got me my husband (not a screening process on dates) but if I was starting again I would screen for sure.

Show quote history

Lol who does want that but to openly admit you were looking for a man to pay for you is cringe.

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 10:34

Why?! In my mind that is his job as the man. And I have a defined role too, as the woman. That's not to say that my husband never does housework or that I never contribute financially, but we work in a team with defined roles in the main. The reason being is that it works best for our children.

youlightupmyday · 15/10/2022 11:16

ambermorning · 15/10/2022 09:54

"If I knew that from my POV i had no intention of seeing the guy again...I would of course go halves!! But if I liked him then I would want him to pay."

Yes exactly. I would be the same. It's not about money. It's about preferring men who have some "oomph" about them (to borrow a pp's username)!

That is exactly how I played my daring life a couple of years ago

Floweryflora · 15/10/2022 11:32

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 10:34

Why?! In my mind that is his job as the man. And I have a defined role too, as the woman. That's not to say that my husband never does housework or that I never contribute financially, but we work in a team with defined roles in the main. The reason being is that it works best for our children.

But you understand it’s a very dated mind set. As a man he is the main earner and as a woman you cook and clean for him? I think that’s fine if it makes you both happy but it certainly wouldn’t be for me nor would it be a role model I wish to teach my children, that mummy washes your pants and dad is the bread winner who doesn’t do half of the mundane chores equally. Fortunately as generations progress fewer and fewer women subscribe to this 1950s and before type view.