to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

[partie]

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

Correct. Likewise.

It's really not hard, what's good for me, does not suit you...and vice versa.

What an incredibly depressing thread.

Here we are in the third decade of the 21st century and it’s clear that women will never achieve equality with men, because so many women evidently don’t see themselves as equals and don’t want equality.

I see myself as very equal. But then we don't value each other on the cash we spend.

It's really quite sad that if I were matching DH pound for pound in direct debits, I would be an equal in so many eyes. But the moment I don't, everything else I do, the actually important stuff, becomes insignificant and I'm a lesser, free loading being. I wouldn't feel any differently if I paid the sky bill than if I didn't. It doesn't make me a bit more worthy.

Choosing a partner who shares the same outlook on life, is the key, and paying for dinner is such a small part of what makes that outlook a reality.

When did money become the pinnacle of all? If it's top of your list, that's fine. But don't force it to be on the top of everyone else's and imply that you only have equal worth if you're making equal dinner payments.

But then we don't value each other on the cash we spend.

You literally value him on the cash he spends as you freely admit you wouldn't have dated him if he hadn't paid for it, and you wanted to marry a man who would financially support you not working. So his earning potential and attitude to spending it on him is literally one of the things you are calling Values are literally what you hold most important dearest in your life*

No, you misunderstand.

We don't value each other on our cash flows.

I value that he affords our family the luxury of only one parent working, because we both believe it's best for all DC that way. I value that he takes away all the pressure for me to cover bills so I don't need to worry about finances and having to find additional time on top of what I do to make ends meet.

I didn't want to marry a man who would financially support me not working so I could fanny about and "freeload." I wanted to marry a man who shared the same ideals in how you should raise your family.

The view of so many on this thread is that you are oh so worthy and should feel such pride for splitting a dinner bill. If you don't? You're an embarrassment, a lesser being. They value the literal proportion of currency they bring as self worth.

TwinsAndTiramisu

Interesting that you are still misrepresenting what I said about "freeloading" but you do you.

I dint misunderstand at all. You literally value him for his cash flow. That's what all that valuing him for luxury and time etc etc boils down to. His money, his cash flow.

You value the fact that he earns enough that you don't have to work. His value to you is monetary based. Yet you are actually the one who has been very scathing to people on this thread who split bills telling them they are the ones placing all the value on money

Ah good ol' PenisPay ™️ see you in two years when you post about being unhappy your DH doesn't do anything in the house.

Sometimes I think we've come a long way as women then I read a thread on Mumsnet and soon find news ways to be disappointed. Have some self respect pay your way and expect more from your partners in other ways than their wallet.

Then in three years time when they want to leave their DH but can't because they can't afford to...

So funny to see all the cheap thots parade their cheapness like a virtue 😂😂😂

Just admit you want a free meal rather than dressing it up as a socioeconomic power dynamic endeavour

In real life I don't know any woman who is happy to pay or even split.

Money is only one measure of equality and is a very blunt tool.

i think a better, true, measure of equality would be when men and women have parity in committing sexual crime. That would indicate that both genders have the same reality.

Suppose the first date is (more than) enough, and you don’t want to see them for a second date — would you still expect them to pay then? Much better to pay half each so you are on equal footing.

I met my DP through OLD and insisted on going halves. He told me later he was expecting to pay but really appreciated that I paid half, because it made him feel like he wasn’t being treated like a meal ticket. Apparently, some women were really upfront, asking him what car he drove and his income before agreeing to go on a date with him (he found that very off-putting).

I dont date anymore but if a man asks me out then he pays. I don't do broke. If I'd ever wanted to ask a man out then I'd have made sure I had enough money in my pocket to cover the date otherwise why even ask him?

DP paid for most of our dates. Now we've been together years sometimes he pays when we go out, sometimes I pay. On average I'd say he pays more, though.

Its each to their own surely. I couldn't care less what anyone else does. Be secure in your choices.

You can guarantee 100% that a man who wants to split the bill on a first date 'because equality,' does NOT carry that 'equality' on into the relationship, into the home, with the childcare etc etc. They are often shit in bed too. WTF? Such a weird attitude!

I agree and I think in general its not unreasonable for women to expect there to be a bit of asymmetry in the early days of a relationship. When people have children there is an imbalance of power - by and large, women will always do their best to care for their children, but some men don't, and there is very little societal disapproval for them if they don't - so if you fancy having a life after kids it's important to pick a partner who is generous and kind, and who offers to be generous without being asked.

This is also the reason I think women should get the full editorial control of their weddings. Not being that interested in something but going along with it with good grace because it matters to your wife is excellent training for the early childrearing years when as a bloke much of the information comes to you second hand. If your wife says the kid needs to be napping by 3pm, trusting that she has good reason to do so will make everyone's life better.

"Old fashioned" how depressing!

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Let’s just hope he’s not thinking the same thing because by your own rationale you are stingy, don’t have a genuine interest in him and wouldn’t be willing to help out should he ever become jobless.

Is it 1353 and he’s wearing tights with pointy boots?

@Naunet But that's too late. She wants a signal on the first date, so he is entitled to one back surely or this is very one sided.

If they can’t afford meals out they can plan a different type of date (whoever is doing the date planning and inviting). I thought that’s fairly obvious?

@7Worfs

The whole post is about paying in the first date, it's in the title.

Your analogy of "so you're saying women that can't afford to pay for themselves, shouldn't dare"

To be blunt yes I am! I wouldn't date a man that came along and said, sorry I know I've agreed to meet in this restaurant, I've eaten, but I can't pay.

Would you?

Why do you think it's only women that can be hard up? Men don't lose their jobs, fall on hard times?

You sound like you think that it's fine to sponge off a man.

Have sone self respect.

Perfectly said.

I have no idea why splitting first date bill has become a litmus test for men being ”equal”.
How does woman paying let’s the woman know the man is equal when it comes to chores, parenting, support, emotional labour, that sex isin’t a duty woman has to have for the man, looks etc….?

The fact that men expect women to pay 50/50 when women don't get 50% of anything. Not 50% of the money, 50% of the privilege, 50% of the safety, 50% of the space they're allowed to take up, none of that. But, pay. Pay equal amounts even though you don't have equal rights.

Pay 50/50 but you have to wait around for the man to propose marriage.

When a man will more likely outearn you
When you move in together and the expectation is there for you to do the majority of housework and wifework
When you have a baby and your career is scrapped and put on hold and you're doing near 100% of childcare
He goes to work and gets promotions and makes even more and gets to come home to a hot meal and he might put the dishes in the dishwasher, bathe the children, put the bins out and so he helped. Give him a medal!

Then you go back to work PT but make sure him and the children are priority. One is sick, it's you picking them up from school. It's you doing the drop offs and pick ups, sorting uniforms, packing lunches, but you still go to work and pay your 50% financially

What a deal for him because you know equality!