to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

[partie]

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

@Floweryflora

Same.

All the women I know have jobs. I don't know a single female that would sit there like a mute when the bill arrives.

It's demeaning, and I'd be frankly embarrassed for anyone that did.

Those "values" are skewed.

Except equality doesn't exist. Paying half doesn't make it so.

@missmamiecuddleduck I'm interested in this. Me and my boyfriend split everything 50/50. He's the one disadvantaged by that, not me.

I cook, he cleans up. I do the laundry, he does the ironing.

In what way do we not have equality?

Equality in a relationship absolutely can exist

Although you are right that splitting the bill on a first date does not automatically guarantee equality in a relationship

But insisting on splitting the bills does weed out those 'gentlemen' who think that buying a few coffees entitles them to a girlfriend who does all the housework and cooking on top of working full time

Why aren’t you equal? Are you lesser. Less everything who needs to be paid for. No one can buy me. I’m not for sale. I’m an equal partner. And I start off that way.

women need to have some self respect. Pay your way. Stop sticking your hand out.

So many people from the olden days. Please stick to dating blacksmiths, lamplighters, or flint knappers.

@Floweryflora

"I’m an equal partner. And I start off that way. "

Exactly my attitude. I'm an equal, I have strong views, my job is as important as yours, I ain't no housewife, and I'm not to be messed with. Now here's my half.

😂

How ironic that all you seem to place any value on, is money.

And genuinely sad that you think having half a dinner bill covered by your date is them buying you. Who says anyone needs to be paid for as well? I don't need to be. It's a choice.

How sad to be in a world where the thing that deems you "worthy" and "equal" is money.

DM and DF go out for dinner frequently, and he always pays. The very concept DM should be viewed by anyone, as lesser to DF, because of this, is awful.

Wow that escalated! Obviously via written word you can’t see the tongue firmly in the cheek. It was just an observation that those who had a relationship they liked (be it 50/50 split, or more traditional), had similar views on what they expected on a first date. Those that like the 50/50 set up wanted to split, those that would prefer the man to pay are happy in the more traditional set up of the man being the main income provider and the woman doing the equally as important child rearing/ household tasks.

Why does not paying make me lesser or unequal in your eyes? There have been times when I've not worked outside the home for years, but my husband valued my role. I never felt unequal or lesser because he was supporting us financially. I was supporting him in other ways. Swings and roundabouts.

Patronising much.

Let me spell it out for you my dear.

I don't base the fact that I want to see someone again on if they pay the bill for the food.

I base it on whether I enjoyed their company,
how they treated me,
how they treated the staff
and what we talked about during the date.

And seeing someone once i.e. the first date is not a relationship, but yes if it leads to multiple dates then that would be a relationship.

Hail Satan 😀

@TwinsAndTiramisu

Again, for gods sake

What you and your DH do is irrelevant. You're married.

We're talking about dates.

And again, the fecking irony of you saying we're making it all about money.

YOU'RE the one with your purse firmly shut.

But HE'S the miser.. cause "values".

You're seriously wrong here.

DH and I are equal partners. We started off that way.

I have strong views. My role is as important as his. I work incredibly hard at home raising the numerous children and running the house. I'm not to be messed with. And I bring far more value than money ever could, to the table.

I'm not sure why you think it's the money that makes you equal. Or that you can't have strong views unless you're paying for half the garlic bread. There's so much more to life.

@TwinsAndTiramisu

We're not talking about married life.

anyone who thinks money isn't what makes women equal hasnt been paying much attention to womens history

women being allowed equal access to make money, inherit money and buy things like houses with money is exactly what has given us equality.

Um....I'm not sure how else, or more simply to put it. Dates lead to relationships and marriage. It's why the vast majority of people are on the date in the first place. Generally how people behave in the former gives you a good idea of what to expect in the latter. The latter being what you are trying to achieve long term. So it's completely relevant to say a date that behaves like this, is likely to lead to a marriage like this. As per my personal example.

Sorry who's a miser? And correct, all you're doing is banging on about money money money, not me, as if by covering half of dinner, it's supreme equality and righteousness, but without money, there can be no balance and the woman is "embarassing", "feeble" and "lesser". Everything that actually makes our partnership harmonious, happy and successful, has got nothing to do with who's bank account the utilities come out of.

I have neither the patience, nor the crayola, to explain this again...

If I get a say in where we are going then it should be split. If he wants to take me out then he should pay and choose somewhere that suits his budget. Like hell am I splitting a bill for a posh restaurant somewhere that I wouldn't choose due to budget constraints.

Ok so it’s only a partner who should pay for you. With friends you pay your own way but the person you love, fuck it, they can pay.

Well...yes. Because I'm not raising my friend's children, or running their households. I do that for the person I love. Which holds a value that no amount of money will ever pay.

With my friends, if I have the money, I will treat them to dinner. They will do the same for me. I like to treat DM too, it's a nice thing to do. It's just dinner. My friends aren't "lesser" for me picking up the tab.

@TwinsAndTiramisu

OK, let's take a common scenario.

Two graduates working their first jobs, earning the same money.

You think he should pay.

If she insists she's "making it about money". As opposed to what's fair.

Because.. values.

I think on every first date (and a good deal of later dates), the bill paying has gone something like this.

Person A: I'll get this.
Person B: No don't worry, I can-
A: No really, I insi-
B: Seriously, it's-

Then you agree to split it.
Plus, IMO, if you like traditions, not much can beat that little rigmarole.

People have different “values”

im glad I didn’t meet anyone with yours when I was dating.

I’m old fashioned and always think it’s romantic for the man to pay on a first date. I like to feel like I’m being wooed by the man…

Yep, I get it, two people, identical circumstance, out on a dinner date.

For ME, he would need to pay, as if he didn't it would suggest to me that he was looking for a partnership where both parties contributed financially the same. This isn't about whether it's right or wrong. That's subjective, because what would be very right for you, would be very wrong for me...and vice versa.

To flip it, if the guy in this scenario was DH, and the woman started insisting she had to pay half, she's not "making it about money" (I'm not sure where you've got that angle from) but what she is doing, is indicating to DH that she is strongly looking for a relationship where she is financially contributing equally. Suggesting she will always work. This is not what DH is is long term looking for. Again, she's not wrong, but neither is DH, they are just a mismatch. Not unfair. Or lesser.

The fairness you talk about is only in a financial sense. And yes, because values. You keep saying that as if it's trivial. Values are literally what you hold most important dearest in your life. Yes, "because values."