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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

696 replies

partie · 14/10/2022 15:09

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

OP posts:
thatisnotyours · 14/10/2022 21:32

Op please tell men that you think this before dating them.

Gives them a chance 😂

FrippEnos · 14/10/2022 21:33

TwinsAndTiramisu

It stretches reasoning that you should be putting marriage and children in a first date situation. But you keep twisting what I post. I am happy to correct you.

Dacadactyl · 14/10/2022 21:33

Why are you dating people if not to find someone to have a lifelong future with?

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 21:35

Dacadactyl · 14/10/2022 21:33

Why are you dating people if not to find someone to have a lifelong future with?

@FrippEnos

See above Grin

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 21:36

So far we've had

Values
Traditional
Polite

Let's be honest ladies, you just don't want to pay your way.

God help your daughters being fed this ridiculous nonsense.

wb3 · 14/10/2022 21:36

Dacadactyl · 14/10/2022 21:33

Why are you dating people if not to find someone to have a lifelong future with?

Fun? Laughs?

Some people want to be together for a good time not a long time!

FrippEnos · 14/10/2022 21:38

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 21:35

@FrippEnos

See above Grin

Show quote history

Presumably to find out whether you actually like them enough to see them again.

@TwinsAndTiramisu

Back atcha :)

OhSunnyMorning · 14/10/2022 21:38

If he didn’t offer to pay then we aren’t a good match as we don’t share the same traditional values

@YellowTreeHouse

I trust you do all the cooking and cleaning then?

ilovesooty · 14/10/2022 21:39

Surely you go on a first date for both parties to decide whether they enjoy each other's company and assess whether they'd like to get to know one another better?

Dacadactyl · 14/10/2022 21:40

OK wb3, fair enough. But I suppose its so outside of how my husband and I do things that it seems weird to me.

If I went on a date now (God forbid...it sounds terrifying) then I would want him to pay if I liked him, because I would think it bodes well for the future. We all like different things and I would be worried he was stingy if I had to pay. That's all.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 21:42

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 21:13

Still no rational explanation.

@TwinsAndTiramisu if he's expected to pay on every single date, it's no longer him "treating" you. He's just being used.

Again, 2 mid-twenties on minimum wage. You'd expect the poor bloke to pay because...?

It's very rational. It's not to you. It is to us.

We are simply two people with the same mindset. DH (who was once a "first date") does not feel used because he pays. Whether that is for dinner on date one, two, or two hundred.

You simply don't share the same mindset. This doesn't make you irrational, by the way.

FloydPepper · 14/10/2022 21:43

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 20:54

@AhNowTed yes, I appreciate that, I addressed that in my initial post.

As in, if I were back into the dating scene, I would expect the man to pay, because a man that wanted to split the bill, is not suggesting he is the type of man who would go on to then form the set up DH and I both have.

If the man asked to split the bill, right from date one, I would think we were incompatible for the long term and wouldn't waste his time, or mine, pursuing anything further.

I find it really strange that people see this as grabby, or that I'm too feeble to pay my own way. It's none of that. It's just personal preference.

Something that struck a chord above, was a PP asking another PP (who also believed men should pay on date one) "Have you no pride?" Well. I guess that's all dependent on your values. I'm very proud of lots of things in my life. I wouldn't feel any pride in simply paying my half of a dinner bill, or any less of a person because my date had treated me. I find it really quite rude to suggest if a man treats you, you have no pride. That's the equivalent of me saying, "Your boyfriend does the laundry?...Have you no pride?" Not only rude, but miles off the mark.

My DH pays for dinner, because that suits us. Someone else's DH might do all the cooking, because that suits them. Different strokes for different folks.

I’m sure all of us could claim a “personal preference” for other people paying for things…

calling it a preference doesn’t make it less grabby

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 21:44

Dacadactyl · 14/10/2022 21:40

OK wb3, fair enough. But I suppose its so outside of how my husband and I do things that it seems weird to me.

If I went on a date now (God forbid...it sounds terrifying) then I would want him to pay if I liked him, because I would think it bodes well for the future. We all like different things and I would be worried he was stingy if I had to pay. That's all.

You'd think HE was stingy.

And you're generosity itself.

What mental gymnastics enabled you to think this is a rational argument.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 21:45

FrippEnos · 14/10/2022 21:38

Presumably to find out whether you actually like them enough to see them again.

@TwinsAndTiramisu

Back atcha :)

Show quote history

Fuck my life, this is tedious. Do you really need it spelling out.

And why, my dear, might you want to see them again????!!! And maybe again? This repeated seeing someone you are dating, is a relationship.

Christing Christ Grin

Dacadactyl · 14/10/2022 21:45

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 21:42

It's very rational. It's not to you. It is to us.

We are simply two people with the same mindset. DH (who was once a "first date") does not feel used because he pays. Whether that is for dinner on date one, two, or two hundred.

You simply don't share the same mindset. This doesn't make you irrational, by the way.

Show quote history

I totally get where you are coming from Twins. I think it's just some other posters have a different mindset and maybe a less traditional set up and it works for them. Whereas I wouldn't want a man who expected me to pay, but saying that on here seems not to be the done thing.

But the world would be boring if we were all the same.

Dacadactyl · 14/10/2022 21:47

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 21:44

You'd think HE was stingy.

And you're generosity itself.

What mental gymnastics enabled you to think this is a rational argument.

Show quote history

You don't have to like it, but we have quite a traditional set up. That's why I would think he was stingy. I wouldn't want a man where every contribution to the household was measured in money. Some men wouldn't want me for thinking that way either...and that's OK.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 21:49

FloydPepper · 14/10/2022 21:43

I’m sure all of us could claim a “personal preference” for other people paying for things…

calling it a preference doesn’t make it less grabby

Show quote history

Oh not at all. I'm very generous with my friends. And DM. This isn't about "other people."

Specifically, this is looking for someone, as a partner (hence the date in the first place) who indicates they share the same life values.

Medoca · 14/10/2022 21:50

After reading all the views on here, it’s clear to me that this actually works!! If you want a 50/50 split (obviously not literally) with a partner for the rest of your life (someone to share the mental load, housework, child rearing, finances, work, etc.), then it’s clear you’d would want to pay half on the first date and appreciate those values in a partner. If you’d prefer to stay at home, do the cleaning and child rearing whilst the partner goes out to work, then you don’t want to pay the bill on the first date.It seems to be pretty much split this way according to the comments, so it seems this is a very good indicator of how you want the rest of your life to go, and to be able to gauge this on a first date seems pretty win-win for everyone!!

missmamiecuddleduck · 14/10/2022 21:50

Pumpkinsbeinghitbyfallingapples · 14/10/2022 20:53

Split it. I have no interest in setting up a dynamic that panders to old fashioned values. I prefer to start relationships as I go on, on a totally equal footing

Except equality doesn't exist. Paying half doesn't make it so.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 14/10/2022 21:52

Dacadactyl · 14/10/2022 21:45

I totally get where you are coming from Twins. I think it's just some other posters have a different mindset and maybe a less traditional set up and it works for them. Whereas I wouldn't want a man who expected me to pay, but saying that on here seems not to be the done thing.

But the world would be boring if we were all the same.

Show quote history

Spot on.

PanPacificBallroomChampion · 14/10/2022 21:52

Was this you OP?

Floweryflora · 14/10/2022 21:53

missmamiecuddleduck · 14/10/2022 21:50

Except equality doesn't exist. Paying half doesn't make it so.

Show quote history

It does it my life and the life of all the women I know. I’m sad it’s not a concept you have experienced but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist/

Sapphire387 · 14/10/2022 21:55

I like it when a man pays on the first date. I'm married now, but I remember my (now) DH did.

MissMaple82 · 14/10/2022 21:55

I too expect them to pay..

Discovereads · 14/10/2022 21:56

Medoca · 14/10/2022 21:50

After reading all the views on here, it’s clear to me that this actually works!! If you want a 50/50 split (obviously not literally) with a partner for the rest of your life (someone to share the mental load, housework, child rearing, finances, work, etc.), then it’s clear you’d would want to pay half on the first date and appreciate those values in a partner. If you’d prefer to stay at home, do the cleaning and child rearing whilst the partner goes out to work, then you don’t want to pay the bill on the first date.It seems to be pretty much split this way according to the comments, so it seems this is a very good indicator of how you want the rest of your life to go, and to be able to gauge this on a first date seems pretty win-win for everyone!!

What about those of us who think it’s akin to reading tea leaves?
I don’t think you can tell fuck and all about a date based on who is paying and how much.

Let’s get real for a minute. You can’t even be sure they’re not going to try and rape and/or murder you by whether they pay on the first date much less how they’d be as a future husband and father….