Mums friends since Dad passed, where are they?

[rottiesarebigteddybears]

My Mum and Dad (78 and 80) were really good friends with another couple and went on holidays together, days out etc. My mum went to school with the lady.
A couple of years ago my Dad passed away suddenly from a stroke. It's been really hard on us all, especially for Mum, they were married 50 years and did everything together :-(
It's really really annoying me though that the couple they were friends with don't visit her (maybe twice since Dad passed) they live 20 minutes away and drive. Mum admitted the other day that it makes her really sad, they just keep whatsapping her photos of their lovely days out!
It's infuriating me.
I messaged them this afternoon and said Mums a bit lonely and misses your friendship - maybe you could visit her more often.
I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I do find it strange. It's almost as though now she's not part of a couple she doesn't matter. I don't understand their train of thought at all. Even at my age, if a friends husband passed away I'd visit her more/check in more often.

Did they reply?
it’s such a shame. Perhaps they have incorrectly assumed she wants space?

What did they say?
Does she invite them over, some people need to be invited.

Did you get a reply to your message, op?

This happened to a woman I knew. It was initially (like 30 years earlier) the two men who were friends but as a couple they'd spent loads of time together. After the man died - nothing. It was such a shame. I wonder why it happens.

It's probably a combination of your dad's death making them very aware of their own mortality, not knowing what to say to your mum, the thought that your mum might not want to see them as a couple and feel like a third wheel, not wanting to rub the fact that they both still have each other in your mum's face. You'll soon find out when they reply to your message.

It happens at every age sadly. Once you are no longer a couple you get ditched. My mum list practically every friend when she divorced, it’s like becoming single is catching and you become a threat/problem.
It’s very sad really.

Sorry for your loss, OP. Having been widowed it’s ‘interesting’ to see how many people forget you exist. I think it makes people feel uncomfortable and others are plain thoughtless. I have (had?) a friend of many years who had moved abroad and just kept sending me ‘what a lovely time I am having’ photos after the first 5 minutes of losing my DH.

I think you did the right thing and that they act on it.

He's just replied and said they've been busy as his wife hasn't been well and he has a hernia. He said they will go over when they can. I get the distinct feeling they won't. I don't know, maybe it's the truth. My parents used to spend so much time with them, they had great fun times, I can imagine Mum obviously feels sad and lonely and her good friends not bothering to visit is adding to the situation. If they are sending her constant pics of them out and about, they can drive 20 minutes to visit her surely (Mum doesn't drive)
I guess I just feel sad for her. I know how I'd feel 😔

This is very common, l have first hand experiance of it, l think it says alot about the friendship to be honest as in shallow. l am widowed and all my friends are single, l am kept at arms length by married women and that suits me fine.

Unfortunately I think in life we all have good friends but also couple friends where you are friends as a foursome but not separately. It's sad for your mum though.

My mum has always sworn by this. So sad to be that insecure that you ruin a perfectly good friendship.

You never truly find out who your friends are until you hit tough times. Your poor mum. My mum was a busy person, always organising trips, always had a New Years Eve party for her friends. Now she’s got Parkinson’s type tremors and is pretty much housebound. My first thought was thank goodness she’s got lots of friends to call and keep her company. But 80% of them have completely dropped off the radar. It’s really sad.

Don't rely on them
Make some new contacts.

It has happened to my mum too and i am very cross.
She's so sad and talks about them sometimes, but i tell her that they're obviously not real friends.
Luckily she does have friends that she made herself who didn't know my dad at all so she still has contact with people.

It's not just your mum's age group, friends drop like flies when your spouse/partner dies (I discovered this fact this year when DH died), married friends don't want to include you in the couple plans.

It is sad. But it sounds like they are acquaintances not friends - couple friends quite often are I think.

Fair enough you sent the message but as you say it won’t make any difference.

Encourage your mum to get out and make new friends - exercise classes, U3A, reading groups, meet ups.. whatever.

if you can help with taxi fares, going along with her for the first session - do. You might have to be quite pushy but it’s the only way she will make friends.

It’s a lesson too how important it is to keep
up driving (or to learn in the first place).

Has your mum tried the jolly dolly's
thejollydollies.co.uk/

Which is groups of women who have been widowed .

I'm sorry for your mum, she must be very sad. It happened to me too so I can imagine how she feels. We had 3 other couples who we did everything with - dh died 5 years ago and the last time I saw all of them together was at his funeral. As if it's not a shit enough time as it is ... 🤷‍♀️

How sad for your poor mum. Sure they may 'find it hard to know what to say', but saying nothing is worse. I would send her a message to say we are here for you whenever you need, when you feel up to a coffee or lunch, let us know and we will arrange it.

Yup.

The wife is probably worried she might make a move on her husband

They sound like they were more than acquaintances @Luredbyapomegranate - op says they'd been on holiday together etc.

In my case, we'd all been friends for 20 plus years since our dc were little. I found it very upsetting.

@Myyearmytime thanks for that link, I've not heard of them before. Do you know anything about them - their website is being updated so no info available on there.

This is exactly what happened to DM after DDad died - 30 years ago. There is only one couple of were "their" friends who stayed good friends with her. A couple at arm's length. All her other friends were "hers" before DDad died, or she has made since.

My PIL were the couple in this scenario. A close friend passed away and they barely contacted his widow. DH prompted them to get in touch and they looked at him in horror. When gently pressed on why, they couldn't really answer and said they didn't know what to say anymore. But they did get in touch and DH took them to visit and they had a lovely time.
I think that they were uncomfortable at the prospect of encountering grief and awkwardness. Which didn't happen!