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Original poster

Mums friends since Dad passed, where are they?

111 replies

rottiesarebigteddybears · 12/10/2022 20:15

My Mum and Dad (78 and 80) were really good friends with another couple and went on holidays together, days out etc. My mum went to school with the lady.
A couple of years ago my Dad passed away suddenly from a stroke. It's been really hard on us all, especially for Mum, they were married 50 years and did everything together :-(
It's really really annoying me though that the couple they were friends with don't visit her (maybe twice since Dad passed) they live 20 minutes away and drive. Mum admitted the other day that it makes her really sad, they just keep whatsapping her photos of their lovely days out!
It's infuriating me.
I messaged them this afternoon and said Mums a bit lonely and misses your friendship - maybe you could visit her more often.
I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I do find it strange. It's almost as though now she's not part of a couple she doesn't matter. I don't understand their train of thought at all. Even at my age, if a friends husband passed away I'd visit her more/check in more often.

OP posts:
FoxCorner · 12/10/2022 23:14

Is there any buses your mum could use? If so you could see if there's any groups your mum could join and go along with her and she could get the bus on her own thereafter. I'm a widow too, but had a few female friends who I saw without their husbands, so I carried on with that after he died. If your mum could get to groups she might meet some nice women. Hard If there's no public transport and she doesn't drive though. Would she move where there is public transport?

Threeboysandadog · 12/10/2022 23:29

My Mum was widowed at 50 (my dad was 53 when he died). She found that all their couple friends stopped inviting her to anything and if they did visit it was because they wanted something ie: “I just wondered what you were doing with Henry’s golf clubs” or “Henry had some of my music books can I have a look for them” and then clearing out all my dad music books “because they’re no use to him now”. Fortunately she did have friends of her own and was young enough to join groups and make more friends.

It must be so hard for your mum being that bit older 😔

mauveskies · 12/10/2022 23:35

Couples don't like singles. It must be very upsetting for your mum.

Ladywiddio48 · 12/10/2022 23:36

I was widowed when I was 49,we had a large group of friends we socialised with,all friends for over 25 years.After my husband’s funeral,1 kept in touch with me! She was my rock.

I think women see a single female as a threat! So you don’t get invited to social events.I found a new social life for myself and moved on.

I am sure it must be more difficult for someone older to do that.

furrytampon · 12/10/2022 23:45

This is very sad :(

Catonamountain · 13/10/2022 00:05

It's truly sad, I know of two older female friends who've lost their husbands in the last few years and both women had their best couple friends completely turn their backs on them. This thread has been a complete eye opener in a really sad way

DonnaBanana · 13/10/2022 00:21

Hanging out with a single person as a couple is very unusual generally. You might well visit someone to check on them or provide support but if you were friends with a couple, it’s very odd interacting with just one of them if you’re still a couple.

mauveskies · 13/10/2022 00:32

DonnaBanana · 13/10/2022 00:21

Hanging out with a single person as a couple is very unusual generally. You might well visit someone to check on them or provide support but if you were friends with a couple, it’s very odd interacting with just one of them if you’re still a couple.

You might want to have a little think about why this is so. It's not as if friends turn into alien monsters when they become single, having been formerly part of a couple, is it. A friend, coupled up or then divorced or widowed and suddenly single, should not cease to be a friend.

Hont1986 · 13/10/2022 00:38

None of us are entitled to friendship. It sounds like they had a friendship based around doing things together (days out, holidays) and that has completely changed since your dad died and your mum doesn't drive. I also notice that you talk about them not contacting her but don't mention if she is contacting them. Eventually friendships do dwindle if it's a one-way street.

I actually think it was rude of you to message them and (reading between the lines) suggest that they make more of an effort!

mamabear715 · 13/10/2022 00:42

Sadly it's said that being widowed changes your address book, & it's true. :-(

Salacia · 13/10/2022 01:00

Happened to my gran - it’s horrible. The husband in her scenario even gave the eulogy at my grandpas funeral they were that close. It really upset her at the time but she’s made a real effort to push herself forward at church etc to meet people and ask them round for coffee etc (she has poor mobility so can’t really go out for meet ups). She’s also got extremely lucky in that 3-4 neighbours on her street have made a real effort since she was widowed and come over for coffee, to watch Wimbledon etc with her. I’m very proud at how she’s coped (she’s probably more social than I am…) but how horrible that she had to!

mauveskies · 13/10/2022 01:10

I also notice that you talk about them not contacting her but don't mention if she is contacting them.

Oh, come on. She's an elderly grieving widow.

EmmaH2022 · 13/10/2022 01:11

I’m sorry to hear this OP
what a disappointment for your mum.

I wonder if having one lunch together will help, that they might be dreading grieving widow talk?

mum has kept her couple friends. It was the opposite in a way. Some widowed friends steered clear expecting her to be a misery or perhaps they didn’t like being reminded. But they came back after a fashion. Mum would struggle without friends.

I hope your mum finds her friends come back. The couple thing seems odd to me. The one thing mum did turn down was a theatre trip with just one male friend. His wife is in poor health and didn’t want to go. I would have gone along but mum told him no and said very bluntly that she was worried about gossip. The couple then went very quiet so unfortunately, I think they were offended.

but mum still goes for meals etc with couples.

2Rebecca · 13/10/2022 01:25

The OP's father died 2 years ago and so it's not a recent bereavement and I agree that friendship works both ways and meeting up somewhere to do something like they had before might have got a better reaction than expecting to be visited. If they always did couple stuff though then these friendships often fade if divorce or death occurs. I suspect the OP interfering has completely killed the friendship now

Hont1986 · 13/10/2022 01:30

Oh, come on. She's an elderly grieving widow.

They're the same age and the bereavement was a couple of years ago.

pompomdaisy · 13/10/2022 01:36

This is why I have my own friends and husband has his. I think the couple thing is a social convenience more than a friendship. Once one person dies it becomes less attractive to the other couple. They can no longer say 'oh we have friends that we do X Y Z with' I'm glad you called them out on it though.

mauveskies · 13/10/2022 01:41

Hont1986 · 13/10/2022 01:30

Oh, come on. She's an elderly grieving widow.

They're the same age and the bereavement was a couple of years ago.

Two years is recent in terms of grieving the loss of a 50 year partner. I don't know what you mean by 'they are the same age'. I would think it is easier for a younger person who is widowed to make arrangements, or new friends, or suggest outings with others via social media, etc, than it is for an elderly woman.

SameTimeNextWeek · 13/10/2022 01:44

Very sorry for yours and your mam's loss. The same thing happened to my dad after my mam died. No idea what the thought process is. Just very hurtful.

Hont1986 · 13/10/2022 01:51

Two years is recent in terms of grieving the loss of a 50 year partner. I don't know what you mean by 'they are the same age'.

I disagree, it isn't recent. Certainly she's not going to be 'over it' by then, but if the grief is preventing her from keeping up friendships even two years later then I don't think you can expect friends to wait around indefinitely with no damage done.

I said they're the same age because you can't use the excuse of 'she's elderly' to justify her not keeping up her side of the friendship. She went to school with the woman, they are equally elderly.

Hillcrest2022 · 13/10/2022 02:00

Ladywiddio48 · 12/10/2022 23:36

I was widowed when I was 49,we had a large group of friends we socialised with,all friends for over 25 years.After my husband’s funeral,1 kept in touch with me! She was my rock.

I think women see a single female as a threat! So you don’t get invited to social events.I found a new social life for myself and moved on.

I am sure it must be more difficult for someone older to do that.

@Ladywiddio48 I'm so sorry. You were so young to be a widow. I'm glad you found a new social group. It must have been a difficult time but you have so much ahead of you !

mauveskies · 13/10/2022 02:10

Hont1986 · 13/10/2022 01:51

Two years is recent in terms of grieving the loss of a 50 year partner. I don't know what you mean by 'they are the same age'.

I disagree, it isn't recent. Certainly she's not going to be 'over it' by then, but if the grief is preventing her from keeping up friendships even two years later then I don't think you can expect friends to wait around indefinitely with no damage done.

I said they're the same age because you can't use the excuse of 'she's elderly' to justify her not keeping up her side of the friendship. She went to school with the woman, they are equally elderly.

I don't want to get in a back and forth with you on a thread about a distressed older widow. But your user name does suggest you know little about being an even moderately older woman.

I experienced this "banishing" in my late 40s from couple friends. It is a known phenomena - and blaming this widow is really unhelpful, in my view.

FoxCorner · 13/10/2022 07:55

The woman from the couple could see the OP's mum singly. If she only wants to be friends with couples she could end up in the same position as ops mum one day.

Redkettle · 13/10/2022 08:13

It's typical of people in general. I've seen funerals full to the rafters. How many get in touch with the grieving after the funeral? One or two at a push. Told my husband the only people I want at my funeral are the ones who will bother staying in touch with my family afterwards. Can't stand the flakes

user1471505356 · 13/10/2022 08:51

Covid has made many anxious about meeting up, now people are beginning to see friends again.

mondaytosunday · 13/10/2022 09:35

I don't know what it is about couples. I was widowed at 47. I have plenty of friends, and I make plans to see them, but I often hear them talking about some dinner they've been to or hosted - all couples (I'm the only one without a partner).
It often seems the only time they invite me is for a bigger drinks type party or if one of their husbands is away so go out 'just the girls'. I'm totally happy with the latter, but it would be nice to be included when they are hosting other dinners too that includes everyone in our set bar me.
It seems that with the death of your dad the dynamic has changed. It's no longer a cheerful foursome but an awkward threesome for them (they might be quite unaware of this bias).
Your mum needs to find things to do on her own or foster other friendships.

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