Mums friends since Dad passed, where are they?

[rottiesarebigteddybears]

My Mum and Dad (78 and 80) were really good friends with another couple and went on holidays together, days out etc. My mum went to school with the lady.
A couple of years ago my Dad passed away suddenly from a stroke. It's been really hard on us all, especially for Mum, they were married 50 years and did everything together :-(
It's really really annoying me though that the couple they were friends with don't visit her (maybe twice since Dad passed) they live 20 minutes away and drive. Mum admitted the other day that it makes her really sad, they just keep whatsapping her photos of their lovely days out!
It's infuriating me.
I messaged them this afternoon and said Mums a bit lonely and misses your friendship - maybe you could visit her more often.
I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I do find it strange. It's almost as though now she's not part of a couple she doesn't matter. I don't understand their train of thought at all. Even at my age, if a friends husband passed away I'd visit her more/check in more often.

This happened to my mum after my dad died. I tell myself it's because they struggle to visit without him there, that they too are grieving his loss, but I think they are worried about my mum becoming 'dependent' on them (she wouldn't). They probably think they are doing her a favour - making her independent etc. but all it's doing is adding to the overwhelming sadness.

Has your Mum suggesting meeting up? Let’s have lunch at x or visit y. Or is she sitting a home expecting people to visit her.

My opinion, and I write from personal experience, is that people do not wish to be reminded of death and all that it entails even if the grieving (which they may also not ''want'') is ''over'' - and losing a long term friend certainly does that. Also they were seen together as a unit by these friends which sadly no longer exists. The husband may not have particularly had much in common with your mother either and his friend, your father, just isn't there any more. Very sad.

Pretty par for the course, I'd say.

When Dad died my mum became proactive and sought out other widows in her same age group from her church to play canasta. It ended up becoming a tight friendship group that continued for years, until one by one they either died or moved away. They took short trips together, had a weekly rotating card game/luncheon, volunteered together at a soup kitchen, worked together at the church.

I know it's harder for your mum as she doesn't drive, but perhaps she could link up with other widows in some other way.

This happened to my mum too after her divorce. She'd been married to my dad for over 30 years and had some lovely close friendships and they all ditched her. They didn't stay friends with my dad either so it wasn't like they'd picked sides (though they were mums friends in the first instance, so wouldn't expect them to be friends with my dad), but she never heard from them again except for Christmas cards.

It's very sad but a seemingly common phenomenon.

I saw a variation of this when my mum was diagnosed with something life-limiting. A few of their ( my parents ) old friends in couples just never bothered with either of them again. Once they couldn't do the things they'd done together previously as a four they weren't interested in any friendship at all. It hurt my Dad more than her, and her good friends still visited and made an effort. People can be shallow shits.

You’re a good daughter to try and find out what was happening maybe your mum could try just meeting the wife for lunch or one of the other exciting things they used to do.

Sorry for the loss of your father OP ❤

This happened to my mum also. She was widowed when only 43 and the 'friends' her and dad had previous to his death, seemed to melt away soon after the funeral!

There could be SO many things going on here. Maybe they were closer to your father? Maybe the husband will feel like a 3rd wheel with his wife and your mum? Maybe they have indeed had illness, possibly mobility issues, early dementia, family issues etc? Many things might have changed in the years since your father was around. Covid for start.

I equally think that your mum needs to reach out- ONCE, and once only. After a death, people often don't want to intrude. Maybe she could invite them around for lunch or suggest meeting at a local cafe/park etc. If she got on better with the wife, maybe ask the wife to go with her somewhere? 'Hi Barbara, how are things? I'm going to the craft show, car boot, plant nursery (whatever) next week. Would you be interested in coming along????'

My mum actually had few friends of her own prior to my dad dying and only 1 hobby. Dad died 30yrs ago, but here are just some of the things my mum has done since then. I'd suggest your mum finds a hobby or something else to try. If not for life long friends, but to get her out and meet others.

• Rock and roll classes and dances
• Lead lighting class to make tiffany lamps
• Bisque doll making
• Thai cooking class
• Patchwork quilting
• Crochet and knitting (mainly knee rugs she donates to charites)
• Ukulele lessons and now plays for various events
• Oil and water colour painting classes
• Joined a group for older people where they take them on day trips and pay a small free- to museums, tulip displays, shopping centre out of town, theatre etc

Oh your poor Mum I am sorry that her friends haven't been stepping up like you would normally expect friends to and I'm very sorry for your Mum's and your loss💐.

I don't know if it's something available where your DMum lives (or if it's something she'd enjoy) but has she thought about joining a group, there's tons where I live that offer allsorts of hobbies,day trips,meetings,it ranges from shared allotments,Tea and dance afternoons and evenings,exercise groups,swimming groups(some at Leisure centres,some wild swimming)Bingo trips,day trips to the coast,to National trust places,museums,visits to city's,cookery classes, photography groups,days at the races,chess club,computer classes,art lessons,pottery classes.

They honestly cover lots of different interest's (sorry I can't remember them all)and the days out trips always include travel there and back so are ideal if you can't drive or don't own a car.

Most of the ones local to us are run from local community centers and are run by alot of volunteers and some paid staff from the local council,some are run by different local churches,others are run by our local council and some are run by local residents groups.

I hope something there helps.🤞

Happened to my mum when she was widowed at 62. It's very disappointing and I think it's because people struggle with a different group 'dynamic'. No excuse for it at the same time.

It took her a couple of years but she developed a really strong female friendship group through interests like bridge club, local historical groups, walking groups and now meets them once a week for coffee and they attend concerts or exhibits together. Ironically as others have since become widowed they've reached out to be part of it.

Could you encourage your mum to start small and choose one hobby to start with? Maybe you could join her for the first few events? In my opinion women ate much better than men at this and can thrive beyond losing their spouse.

80 is when most of my DM and DFs friends went down hill quickly (including them). Generally by that point at least one of each couple had stopped driving and the other only did short distances. They all cut down on their social lives (except funerals)

I think it may have happened even if your DF didnt pass away.

Mum told me tonight that the lady was always very jealous of other women. You'd think that now she's 80 she would have outgrown this! Clearly just because you get old doesn't mean you become a cutesy little old lady - I guess you are still the same person inside - just with white hair!
Its sad for Mum, she really valued them as friends. Mum's just told me the lady hasn't text her once, her husband keeps in touch - obviously on the quiet and feels guilty. Hen pecked springs to mind!

Thankyou 🥰

My Gran divorced and was determined to remarry so she could keep up her social life. Apparently it wasn't the same as a single woman. There is a stigma, apparently.

DMIL got invited out much more, allowed into the widows circle she called it - but DFIL was hard work so I think she was probably more isolated when he was alive sadly.

I lost my husband at the age of 38. My best friend from school is no longer around since because I couldn’t commit to going to her birthday as I wouldn’t have had any childcare to look after my children for a weekend away because you know that would normally fall onto my husband. Go figure.

the reality is that when you loose someone close you loose everyone around you. I can kind of understand it because you do become a different person and see the works very different so of course that has an impact on relationships. I feel for your mum though I am young enough and still in work/ sociable to be able to start again it must be very difficult for your mum.

There's a lesson here for people who have " couple" friends. It's not something I have ever experienced, my friends are just that, DH doesn't socialise.
I did find my real friends when I had breast cancer though. One who I thought was a good friend melted away. I actually asked her why and she was mortified and apologised. But we have seldom seen each other since.

It seems to me that inability to drive is limiting your mum. Would she join groups if she could get to them? Maybe a knit and natter type of thing? Can you persuade her to get a taxi? Go with her the first time?

It's probably more that they no longer see her on a social level. They might be concerned, that she might keep asking them for help and company.

In addition to @Ohdofuckofdear 's excellent list, I'd also suggest lunch clubs. Lots of community organisations run them, including Age UK.

My mother complained of the same treatment.

I suspect it was more that her husband's friends didn't feel they had to tolerate her snobby condescending and generally unpleasant presence anymore in her case, though.

@Spillerey I think there are good times friends and real friends though, that’s what I mean really.

There are plenty of people I’ve been on holiday with and done all sorts with over the years. Doesn’t make them close friends.

It’s a sad situation whatever, and I hope the OP’s mum can find the energy to get out there and make some friends.

That hasn't been my mums experience at all, my dad died quite young - 61 and still has the same circle of friends. The she met someone else and he died and she still sees their joint friends!

My mum's friends have melted away too. In large part because she "didn't want to impose" when my dad first died. She couldn't bear the thought of crying in front of people. She discouraged people visiting and now she now feels as if she would be imposing if she called because it has been a while. I, like you, ask people to call in as she would never initiate any social contact. She doesn't want to go to community arranged event as "it is not me" complete with pulled face.

If you crack the social life in older age nut let me know your secret.

Agree with Blix ... I am sure it's nice to have some couple friends but I much prefer to have my 'own' friends and DH has his friends. We have one set of 'couple' friends that we love to spend time with but as they live on the other side of the world we rarely see them. A number of my girlfriends are widows, divorced or single ... we mix happily and love doing things together - I can't really imagine going out as a 'foursome' with another couple although I appreciate that for many couples they do enjoy that way of socialising.
My own DM has always had her own set of friends and although sad that she was recently widowed after 60 years of marriage she is having a great social life (nearly 90!) and out and about with all her lovely friends ... and making new ones!

Unescorted I think you just need to be the sort of person who has always been confident in 'doing your own thing' and making your own friends rather than just relying on your immediate family ... it's hard to change when you are much older and recently widowed. In my mother's case she has always been confident, happy to make new friends, takes the initiative in organising events - whether social events, hosting, committees, volunteering etc etc but many people just don't have the confidence. I do a lot of volunteering myself and it is sad to see people who just don't feel able to step outside their comfort zone.