Mums friends since Dad passed, where are they?

[rottiesarebigteddybears]

My Mum and Dad (78 and 80) were really good friends with another couple and went on holidays together, days out etc. My mum went to school with the lady.
A couple of years ago my Dad passed away suddenly from a stroke. It's been really hard on us all, especially for Mum, they were married 50 years and did everything together :-(
It's really really annoying me though that the couple they were friends with don't visit her (maybe twice since Dad passed) they live 20 minutes away and drive. Mum admitted the other day that it makes her really sad, they just keep whatsapping her photos of their lovely days out!
It's infuriating me.
I messaged them this afternoon and said Mums a bit lonely and misses your friendship - maybe you could visit her more often.
I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I do find it strange. It's almost as though now she's not part of a couple she doesn't matter. I don't understand their train of thought at all. Even at my age, if a friends husband passed away I'd visit her more/check in more often.

Happened to my mum too! The couples they were friends with no longer speak to her - they used to go on nights out and weekends away with them. My Aunt and Uncle - my dads brother and his wife - haven’t made any effort to see her or indeed any of us since Dad passed away. Indeed they haven’t even met my DD who is 9 this time! They even declined the invite to her christening when she was a baby

its sad but it does happen! Thankfully Mum had a lot of friends completely independent of Dad and has a really good social life now - she has had to work on it though.

It's all good, until it doesn't. I feel sorry for your mum.

My mother was always a social extrovert which was a help and a hindrence when dad died. It was helpful because she had a big circle of friends in different interest fields but it became a problem as her health faded and she could not drive, being unable to get out made her very unhappy.
Church was always a source of company. Many churches welcome everyone and it's not all about religeon. There was a baptist church near mum (she was CofE) but she could get to it on her mobility scooter. They made her enormously welcome at various coffee mornings and craft groups.

It's sad but some couple friends are not comfortable with just one person, it's silly but I noticed it myself.

Perhaps this is the signal to make new local friends - try her local community centre, churches, library etc for groups. She won't be the only one who is widowed

Are you sure they're 'her' friends, though? When I broke up with my last ex I had lots of 'friends' who I got on with well, who he introduced me to. When we split up I didn't see them again despite the fact we got on well, because they were his friends, not mine. Equally, he no longer spoke to my friends who he got on with well.

Perhaps they were your dad's friends, and it would be awkward to spend time with your mum without him there?

Not being widowed but people's reaction to illness...

My Mum was very caring, helpful to friends, had a large social circle & had a great life. A perfect retirement.
Diagnosed at with Alzheimer's at 73 & you couldn't see 90% of these friends for dust.
I understand it was probably a reminder of their mortality & also the disease they all feared but still.
The remaining 10% have been stars.

This happened to my mum when she lost my dad, in their early 60s. It was as though her women friends thought she was out to nab their husbands, ridiculous and sad.

That's sad. Could you offer to drive your Mum there to have a cuppa with them as only 20 mins away? Maybe they feel awkward about making contact. I'd feel protective though over my Mum if that had happened to her when my Dad died and don't blame you for messaging!

it sounds like you are always expecting them to go to her? Could you not drive her to meet them at their house, or could they meet up halfway. Perhaps they dont like the expectation that they have to go to her house all the time?

I’d lay down the law pretty firmly. It is unkind to keep sending pictures and updates of them out having jolly times but not wanting to see a lonely widow.

can you help you mum find a new circle? Dance classes or a reading group? My local WI are a great bunch, they also do a knit and natter group in the village hall

Not widowed but breakup of long term marriage 1 year ago and I've experienced this from countless 'friends'. They'll be polite if they bump into me but no kindness or support and the invites have completely dried up. So sorry for your mum. It's lovely that you're prepared to say something on her behalf.

Is them stopping Whatsapping her going to help? They probably feel that is them keeping in touch. If their previous frienship was based around 2 couples going places then changing it to one of them dutifully visiting her in their house changes the whole dynamic, plus they are around 80 so are now 2 years older than when they used to do things together and many older people find driving stressful.
My mother died and then my father was unable to drive. I keep encouraging him to use more taxis as you can get a lot of taxis for the price of running a car, plus he gets free bus travel. He did join a lot of things. Some of his joint friends fell away but often that was because they were dying and getting frailer and more reluctant to travel.
I would never have told any of his friends to visit him more though and would have felt that as inappropriate as him deciding to tell my friends what to do.
I would have just suggested he tried to arrange to meet them somewhere nice for a trip and get a bus or taxi there and back.

lay down the law?
the Op has already massively overstepped the mark and now you are suggesting that she probably completely ends any contact with her mother by laying down the law to other people!

Without being unkind, might they fear now being seen as a taxi service?
This happened to MIL who also never learned to drive. It was massively limiting and a big regret. She then leaned heavily on busy working family which really wasn't fair tbh.
What are her plans for getting about, shopping etc as she gets older without access to a car? If her money isn't an issue, it might be an idea to set up an account with a taxi company or it will be so easy to become isolated.

Covid has impacted on support for people grieving over the last couple of years, particularly older people who feel more vulnerable. And unfortunately many people are not comfortable around grief and so avoid people.

I think this is really common. DH died last year and everyone we were "couple" friends with has all but disappeared. I'm not sure why, I just think I don't fit into their lives anymore.

What I have found though is a really fun network of single "acquaintances" whichever becomes friends and se in a mission to keep me busy. I'm gradually accepting that my life is very different as a single person, but it's not all bad. If she'll go over 50 activity things she'll have a blast.

Yes, this is my experience too and they all went away together just a few weeks after he died, without telling me. A trip we would always have been included in.

I find this strange. my parents are in their eighties so sadly have seen a lot of their friends die now ... they always ensure they continue to invite the widow (er) in fact step up the visits to start with.

Yes! We are all cyclists and they're all after his bikes but don't invite me on rides anymore.

Sorry for your loss OP. My parents were also married for almost 50 years when my Dad died. The couple they did things most with were the last to reply about his death, did not attend the funeral and haven't been seen since...

She has made some lovely friends at a walking group though.

After I was widowed the friends who’ve stayed the distance are the lovely friends I had before I was married. They’re the people who know me as me, not as part of a couple.
Not one of our couple friends or any of my husbands friends/their wives have kept in touch.

My mum does that WhatsApping (well emailing) pix of fun times with DSis and Dnieces and not inviting me.

I have no idea why people do this because it's rude and mean. My mum's not otherwise a nasty person.

So sad. My mum was widowed much younger. She and my dad used to go to Scottish Country Dancing evenings, dances etc. Mum loved it. When he died (very suddenly) her dance friends were all full of sympathy and promises but completely dropped her from the dancing as she didn’t have a partner anymore. It was really horrible.

She still sees a few of them now but hardly ever really. She does have lots of friends which is good but interestingly they are not uniformly the ones that my teenage self thought would stand by her.

I think that if my dad could know how the future panned out he would be so surprised at how her friendships have evolved in the last 20 years. The friend she sees the most now is someone she had completely lost touch with until she heard he had died and came to his funeral.

I hope your mum is okay. Well done for messaging and I hope they step up.

I'm sorry OP, I know how painful this is. We lost my dad when he and my mum were relatively young (early 50s) and many of my mum's friends were dreadful. They would send her photos of their amazing holidays and talk about their early retirement activities at length. Some of them disappeared completely.

No advice, just compassion and empathy.

I don't think couples know quite what to do with a left over friend after a death.

My late DH and I had couple friends where we were equally friendly and close with both halves, or sometimes even had more in common with the opposite sex friend. But when he died I found that even if I had invitations to catch up with those friends, or imbued then myself, they rarely wanted to come to me, I always had to go to them. Then the male half would disappear to do jobs etc, and I only got to talk with the female half. I found that really sad. Instead of the stimulating conversations we used to have as a mixed sex group, I ended up just sitting talking kids and elderly parents with the woman. Only one couple survived as a 'couple and me' friendship.

For the record I don't think it was anything to do with anyone thinking I would turn predatory. It's just like men don't know what to do without the other man around.