DP of two years still isn’t sure about marriage

[swingle]

DP and I have been together for just over 2 years and have lived together for over a year, we are both early 30s. The relationship is fantastic and we’re both very happy, but it recently occurred to me that whilst we speak about future plans, DP never speaks about marriage or when that might be. From my point of view, whilst two years isn’t a huge amount of time, I feel it’s been long enough for me to know with absolute certainty that I want to marry him. We’ve both supported each other through a huge amount over the last two years, including close family deaths, new jobs, house renovation and so on, so it’s not as if we haven’t faced challenges during our relationship either.

Decided to have the conversation with DP about marriage and he seemed like a deer in headlights, asking if I was saying I wanted to get married right now. We spoke more about it and essentially, DP feels we both need to experience more things together before he feels ready to marry and that “perhaps in the next couple of years” he will want to. To me this felt like such a wishy washy response and I’ve been left with more questions than answers.

AIBU in thinking that two years should be long enough to know for certain whether you want to marry someone, especially at our age? I respect myself enough not to wait around if someone else doesn’t feel the same.

Two years is long enough to know, esp if you are both already over 30.

I'd make it clear I wasn't after a big wedding, but rather the long term commitment and security, and I'd give him an ultimatum.

No proposal, I'd walk. And I'd do it fast, because options start diminishing really fast as you get older.

Yep. And you've got to be prepared to walk because if he's happy enough with the status quo, he won't.

Watch and listen carefully to what he says when you bring it up again.

If he tries to fob you off with the long finger, please believe him.

He likes and cares for you but he is highly unlikely to think you are the one.

In your 30's most people know well within the year if this person is going to be important in their lives.

He can be lovely, great fun, great sex, and kind, but just not think you are the ONE.

Approaching 60 here and over the years have seen and heard of it happening so often to women, who gave too many years to men that were playing a waiting game to meet THE ONE.

When a man really wants you, you absolutely know it.
When they don't, you are confused and given the run a round.

Value yourself.

That sounds like a good plan.

Two years is MORE than long enough. You should know by a year if you want to marry someone. Two years is getting on a bit and I would 'fish or cut bait' by two years. He's taking the piss and waiting if someone better comes along because his excuse doesn't make sense. If you are experiencing life together, why does it matter if you do that while married or just living together? His excuse doesn't wash. Tell him that you want to get married and you expect complete and total honesty. Will he marry you? Or will you need to separate, because you want marriage? He owes it to you to be honest. Two years is more than long enough!!

I agree, in your 30's, two years isn't 'early days' it's long enough to know if you see a future with someone.

Moving in was a mistake, if you wanted marriage. I'd start making plans to move out. Two years is plenty long enough! He's fobbing you off. Stop giving him ALL the benefits of marriage (companionship, sex, shared bills, fun, friendship, support) if he can't give you that commitment.

Take your awesomeness and let him have a rethink without you.

I agree.

Moving in without speaking about future plans is strange in your 30's if you want marriage and a family.

6 months is unlikely to make much of a difference to a man so shocked by the suggestion.
He doesn't see you in those terms.

I would be telling him very calmly that this isn't what you want so you will be moving out.

You will find out very quickly what his true intentions are.

You are only wasting YOUR time giving him 6 months.

He likes you but you are not the one.

Sorry OP.

Every man I know who's fobbed off marriage, secretly thinks they're going to meet someone hotter. They never do! But they live in hope.

OR the woman they're fobbing has been way too "nice" to them; they've spent all their time together, the woman has moved the relationship forwards, so the man has never had a chance to miss them, or really think about things. Missing someone, really longing to be with them, is a vital part of falling in love.

I'll bet you've been inseparable from early on?

Actually I think if after 2 years he still can't say he wants a future with me I'd cut my losses and leave. Why would he change his mind in 6 months or two years unless he decides to settle.

I don't think either of you is unreasonable.

If you want to get married then you should definitely be upfront and be clear about the timeframe you want to see this happening.

But it's not unreasonable for him to not be sure whether he wants to get married.

Personally I don't want to get married. If a partner really wanted to I'd think about it but I'd have to be really, really committed and sure about them before I was convinced. And I wouldn't marry after only two years. Divorces are way too expensive to get married so easily.

It doesn't mean you're unreasonable to want it - it just means that your views on this are different. The real question is whether this is a deal breaker for you.

Just want to add - marriage is a bit like kids in that there isn't really a middle ground, it's a yes or no situation. If you want kids or marriage and he doesn't, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means your visions of the future don't mesh.

I agree he should be honest with you and not string you along, but he may not know himself whether or not he'll want to get married eventually.

This said, if this is important to you, then you should assume that "I don't know" means "no". You don't want to take the risk of it not happening.

You say he has never mentioned marriage but from his shocked response neither had you until now.
I'm a bit unsure what he's intending to do before marriage that can't be done after marriage. Is he concerned about the finances? Maybe he equates marriage with children and he's not ready for that yet.
In my experiences 'having talks' doesn't often bring positive results, ongoing communication seems better and at 2 years I'd have expected to be talking about your future in terms of 'we' but in general terms eg I wonder if our kids will be tall like you?
His response has disappointed you but that doesn't mean he doesn't want the sane as you.
Start planning a few things you want to do before 'settling down'.

I think two years is enough personally