DP of two years still isn’t sure about marriage

[swingle]

DP and I have been together for just over 2 years and have lived together for over a year, we are both early 30s. The relationship is fantastic and we’re both very happy, but it recently occurred to me that whilst we speak about future plans, DP never speaks about marriage or when that might be. From my point of view, whilst two years isn’t a huge amount of time, I feel it’s been long enough for me to know with absolute certainty that I want to marry him. We’ve both supported each other through a huge amount over the last two years, including close family deaths, new jobs, house renovation and so on, so it’s not as if we haven’t faced challenges during our relationship either.

Decided to have the conversation with DP about marriage and he seemed like a deer in headlights, asking if I was saying I wanted to get married right now. We spoke more about it and essentially, DP feels we both need to experience more things together before he feels ready to marry and that “perhaps in the next couple of years” he will want to. To me this felt like such a wishy washy response and I’ve been left with more questions than answers.

AIBU in thinking that two years should be long enough to know for certain whether you want to marry someone, especially at our age? I respect myself enough not to wait around if someone else doesn’t feel the same.

There’s no set amount of time needed to decide whether you’re right for each other. What matters is that you’re on the same page and it doesn’t sound like you are. What was he doing in his teens/20s if he’s in his 30s and still needs time to experience life?!

I think two years is fairly early, personally. I don't think you can necessarily get to know someone inside out in this amount of time.

If you want children and want to be married before you have them I can understand how you might want more visibility though.

Not strictly the same situation as I always knew I didn't want to get married, but there was a point where I knew I wanted to commit to DP for the long term and I'd say that came around 4-5 years in. Absolutely not at 2 years, it still felt very new at that point and we hadn't moved in together. I was a textbook commitment-phobe in my 20s though (and, a decade on, obviously a reformed one).

I’d have thought that by late 20s you’d know within a few months that you might want to marry someone, and then you give it a bit more time to be sensible. Looking at my friends, 2 years to engagement seems usual.

I don’t know why everyone is trying to invalidate the OPs feelings. She’s met this guy and they are both in their 30s and have probably experienced other relationships prior to this. If she feels she wants to commit after 2 years then that’s a totally valid and reasonable feeling. Why waste your prime child rearing years with someone you don’t know wants a long term relationship with you?

For me, if someone didn't 'know' within two years, I would move on.

Don’t make the mistake I did.
Start dating now. You’re single until your married.
Try your best to find a better option - someone who wants to marry you and not have to coaxed into it.
If you own a house together, etc. it’s difficult to suddenly break up and more than likely you will wind up 38 and no further along with him. And don’t give in to temptation to baby trap him either.
Set yourself a deadline, say 6-12 months where you will continue to cohabit, but make your own secret plans to go it on your own and date as much as you can during that time as you might meet someone better. If, within that timescale your DP proposes, you can consider whether you do actually want to marry him. But more than likely, you will meet someone else who is more keen on taking the same life path as you.
Dating options diminish the further into your 30s you go and I swear to god, men can smell the desperation off a single woman. When you’re “attached” you come across as far more desirable, so use that to your advantage to upgrade.
Good luck!

Set yourself a deadline, say 6-12 months where you will continue to cohabit, but make your own secret plans to go it on your own and date as much as you can during that time as you might meet someone better. If, within that timescale your DP proposes, you can consider whether you do actually want to marry him. But more than likely, you will meet someone else who is more keen on taking the same life path as you.

This is awful advice - you are advocating that she go behind her partners back and secretly date other men?!! FFS if she's prepared to do that then the relationship has zero basis of trust to begin with!? Obviously please don't do this OP.

Remain truthful to your partner and yourself OP. If you genuinely love and want to marry him then that is your honest feeling and you shouldn't feel you have to pretend otherwise to play it cool. If he doesn't feel the same way then yes you will need to move on.

I would listen to your gut carefully.

I think if he was indeed looking terrified I would be thinking he isn't sure about what you have and would be wary.

Ploughing ahead and having children witj a man who isn't committed enough to marry is madness.

I think women who are brutally honest with themselves, what they want and what are deal breakers for them, do best in the long run.

Sticking around, compromising on your dreams, hoping they will marry you is for women who often bitterly regret their choices.

Value yourself, your dreams, your deal breakers.

Best to move on if he isn't on the same page IMO.

Doesn’t want to marry you.

he’s a rabbit in the headlights because he probably thought he had a bit longer without you rocking the boat. His cosy home might be at risk now. He literally
got a woman to play house with him without having this conversation at all.

2 years is plenty long enough for a man in his thirties to know whether or not he wants to spend his life with you. Men will waste women’s time because they can. If he wants kids and marriage, he knows full well he has 10 years minimum to make his mind up. It’s why they continue to date like students, avoiding difficult conversations because they don’t have to have them. And women don’t instigate them because they are far too concerned with being chill and not ‘scaring them off’.

I think we all know a good few men who at one point ‘weren’t sure’ and messed a DP around for 6 years for him then to be engaged within 12 months of their break up.

Are you for real?!

Stay in this relationship but date? This is just ridiculous. Plus, the caliber of any potential suitor happy with knowing OP is in a relationship will be pretty dire.

Sounds to me the OPs DP is being realistic and sensible.

i am sorry but if you had of sat down and said that to me after two years into my relationship i would also have been like a deer in headlights. And i speak as a women. To me two years is still relatively new to me and i am enjoying the relationship and getting to know someone. i hadn't even gone abroad on hols with my now husband, which by the way we only have just got married after nearly 18 years together and only got engaged 4 years ago. We moved in after 4 years together and have been through alot since but actually marriage was never discussed really. Was shocked when he proposed ( no way did i put pressure on him at all, hadn't really thought about it). That was also during a time everyone around us was getting married and having babies, but we were and still our happy with our lives. As people say is is children that has you asking this question ? Are people asking you questions about weddings etc ? Are you getting pressure from family and friends? If this is the case you need to sist down and have a serious chat with your boyfriend. Listen to him what he wants aswell as what you want. This is your lives not anyone else's. i do remember quiet vidvidly about 6 years into our relationship that one of my boyfriends cousins( female) believed totally that all women should be married by time they are 30. She was shocked that i didnt agree with her. To me i felt things happen for a reason and enjoyed life as it came

It’s no less than any man would do.

Please don’t encourage the OP to waste her best years.

Ideally she would just ditch him after his non committal deer in headlights response, but in reality she will not be able to practically or emotionally, for some time. So the best solution is for her to look out for her own needs. She doesn’t owe her DP anything or need to ‘be true to him’ after he has shown his disinterest in marriage.

Put yourself and your future children first OP.

I think we all know a good few men who at one point ‘weren’t sure’ and messed a DP around for 6 years for him then to be engaged within 12 months of their break up

yes, crazy how often this happens. Every man I know who has said they 'don't believe in marraige' or the good old 'it's only a piece of paper' have strung their partner along for a number of years until they fall for someone and marry within months. So many men with women that they think will just do for now because it makes life easier for them to be living with a girlfriend

”I think we all know a good few men who at one point ‘weren’t sure’ and messed a DP around for 6 years for him then to be engaged within 12 months of their break up.”

Absolutely, this is as certain as death and taxes.

I would only marry for financial reasons personally or if my partner really wanted to. But, granted, I don't want kids.

It's always seemed odd to me to have to undertake a huge complicated expensive affair representing a religion that most people don't actively practice. Really, a Christian marriage is no more logical for me than having an Indian marriage as a white person.

So, you think 'any man' would secretly date behind his partner's back and that if a man isn't sure about marriage he's instantly worthless and nothing he's done so far matters a fig.

Um, OK....

This

I assure you he is 100% sure after two years whether he wants to marry you or not.

I had a wedding in a register office in the UK.

Not a single word was breathed of God or any kind of religion. It cost a couple of hundred pounds. It really wasn't complicated. Rang up, booked a date to go sort the papers out at the council building, scheduled a date for the ceremony, picked a few songs and that was that.

I'm not so sure.

I think it's possible to have multiple relationships that are 'good' but then meet somebody who you just click with and quickly realise that the previous partners weren't a good fit. Same with jobs. Sometimes you just find the right fit.

By 2 years most people will know, though it could be borderline.

However, his response - the fear, the vague and totally dispassionate response - is a HUGE red flag!

This.

It’s ridiculous that so many women are afraid to have a sensible conversation with their dp for fear of ‘scaring him off’. If he’s afraid after two years then that tells you everything you need to know. Move on.

He doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, he would have proposed by now.
You are both in your early thirties and live together so he should have been thinking about marriage
Op don’t allow yourself to be a placeholder.
As others have said, a man can string a woman along for years. They eventually split up for various reasons, but the main reason being the man’s refusal to commit.
A year later he announces his engagement to another woman on Facebook.
I have seen this so many times .
There will obviously be exceptions, but generally, if a man doesn’t discuss marriage he doesn’t see a long term future with you
Trust me

I guess I just don't really get the concept. Outside of financial reasons, I don't need a piece of paper to prove my commitment to my partner.

I also dislike the insinuation from some posters that if somebody isn't prepared to marry then their partner needn't have any commitment to them. If a parent no longer wants to be with me then I wouldn't expect him to stay out of obligation. But when you place your trust in somebody you expect them no to shag around behind your back, etc.