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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP of two years still isn’t sure about marriage

139 replies

swingle · 11/10/2022 14:27

DP and I have been together for just over 2 years and have lived together for over a year, we are both early 30s. The relationship is fantastic and we’re both very happy, but it recently occurred to me that whilst we speak about future plans, DP never speaks about marriage or when that might be. From my point of view, whilst two years isn’t a huge amount of time, I feel it’s been long enough for me to know with absolute certainty that I want to marry him. We’ve both supported each other through a huge amount over the last two years, including close family deaths, new jobs, house renovation and so on, so it’s not as if we haven’t faced challenges during our relationship either.

Decided to have the conversation with DP about marriage and he seemed like a deer in headlights, asking if I was saying I wanted to get married right now. We spoke more about it and essentially, DP feels we both need to experience more things together before he feels ready to marry and that “perhaps in the next couple of years” he will want to. To me this felt like such a wishy washy response and I’ve been left with more questions than answers.

AIBU in thinking that two years should be long enough to know for certain whether you want to marry someone, especially at our age? I respect myself enough not to wait around if someone else doesn’t feel the same.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 11/10/2022 22:22

Agree with PPs, a man in his 30s must have some inkling of where he envisages his life going (and if he really doesn't, that's a red flag in itself).

If you want children then it's not at all unreasonable to have that conversation after 2 years, and his panic about it would concern me, in your shoes.

We were the other end of our 30s to you but DH and I were engaged after 18 months and married a year later. We'd both seen enough water go under the bridge to know what we did and didn't want, and that we didn't want to waste any more time.

We're now doing all the stuff we wanted to do and experience together, we're just doing it married.

theresnolimits · 11/10/2022 22:22

I’m baffled by this. What more are you going to find out after two years? Those of you who say it’s early - what surprising revelations are coming after two years?

I got engaged after nine months and married nine months later. 25 years on we’re still happily together. When you know, you know.

We did wait seven years to have children because we had some ‘living’ to do.

And, OP, if he doesn’t feel like marrying you, he doesn't feel enough for you.

allboysherebutme · 11/10/2022 22:33

Some people just don't want to get married it doesn't mean they don't love you, some people think it's a piece of paper and a waste of money. X

Ofcourseshecan · 11/10/2022 22:54

I will go against the grain here and say that after being together for two years and living together for one he should know by now if he wants to marry you or not.

I agree. It’s important if you want children. If you give him another two years and he still won’t commit, you’ll be mid-30s and faced with finding someone else or having a child by yourself. If he can’t see that, his selfishness would be a red flag to me.

BadNomad · 12/10/2022 00:51

I don't know what he thinks another few years is going to change, and it doesn't really matter, because at this moment in time he doesn't want to marry you. That's the long and short of it. He doesn't want to marry you.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/10/2022 01:03

WimpoleHat · 11/10/2022 15:20

and that “perhaps in the next couple of years” he will want to.

This is a holding response. It’s a bit more honest than the threads you see on here of “we’ve been engaged for x years but he won’t commit to a date”, but it is what it is. And, harsh though it sounds, it’s not the overwhelming “yes, you’re the one” you were hoping for.

As others have said, the crux of the matter is whether you want kids. If you do, I’d have a conversation on that basis - “that’s fine, but I definitely want to have kids and 35/36/37 (or whatever) is my cutoff. So let’s talk about this again in 3/6/12 months and if you don’t want to get married, then I don’t think this is the relationship for me in the long term.” You don’t immediately burn your bridges, but you take back control of the timeline. “Perhaps in a couple of years” is indefinite; the last thing you want is to be strung out until you’re 40 and then see that he’s not for keeps.

This is good advice.

Doingmybest12 · 12/10/2022 01:06

What is his attitude to marriage generally and what does he see as your future even of you don't marry. Plenty of people never marry their partners( not getting into the children and security issue) After 2 years he should know if he wants to commit to you or not but he may not want to marry. If he just sees that you are having a good time now and isn't thinking about the future you need to decide if that's OK with you .

MintJulia · 12/10/2022 01:22

Some people just know within a few months, some take a while to be sure. Two years is borderline, there seem to be a lot of relationships get to three years and founder so I'd leave it a while longer, have some normal non-covid relaxed times together and see how you feel in 2024.

Ilady · 12/10/2022 06:06

I think when your both in your early 30s you have lived a bit and had a few relationships. After 2 years of being a couple you should have a good idea of where things are going.
You have been living with this man a year. You have had to deal with a few hard times. You seem to have bought a house together and have been doing it up.
In your situation I don't think your being unreasonable in mentioning getting married.

Your boyfriend is also in his early 30s and you been a couple for 2 years.
What else does he want to do now?
That's ok when your in your 20's but in your early 30's it's time to decide where a 2 year relationship is going and if marriage and kids are what you want.

You said he was like a deer in the headlights when you mentioned this and then brushed you off with a washy answer. Is it a case that you good enough for the moment or does he think he can do better?

The reality is that your in your early 30's and you don't have years to wait for him to grow up.
I tell him at this stage that due to your age that you want to get married before you try for a baby. You not asking him to marry you but your letting him know what you want.
I give him till the end of Feb 2023 to be seriously talking about marriage or to propose to you. If he does not do it by then I tell him it's over and either then try to buy him out of the house or sell it.

I know a lot of women who want to be married before having kids. They want the legal rights a marriage brings for them and possible a child or children.
I know a woman who ended a long relationship because he would not marry her. She found another man, they got married and have 2 kids. I also know a man who told his partner that he was not interested in getting married or having kids. It ended their relationship and she is now married with kids.

Don't waste time with a man who won't marry you especially if you want kid's.

Aprilx · 12/10/2022 06:28

I am in the two years is long enough to know camp, considering your ages, although I would be interested to know if you are say 30 or 34 as even that makes a difference. His response is a bit concerning too, I don’t really understand how you got to be living together for a year without this apparently even crossing his mind.

sandytooth · 12/10/2022 06:30

Do you want kids? if so I'd leave him now tbh.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/10/2022 06:51

What was the discussion when you moved in together??

Judging by your lack of discussions about marriage to this point and his reaction when you brought it up I would say that he has no intention of getting married to you. I’d expect sone discussion of it before now (around the time you moved in).

Have you talked about kids? Does he want them? If you do I’d have one more conversation saying that you would like him to be really honest with you about how he feels. Then decide what to do from there.
But I would not be hanging around. You don’t sound like you are on the same page at all

Dumbledormer · 12/10/2022 07:34

I agree OP. Early 30’s he should know whether or not he wants to marry you. I married my husband at 32 after three years together but we’d been talking about kids, marriage, etc after a year. It’s really hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes though. I pushed for marriage and kids with my DH. He’s 4 years younger and I’m very aware if he’d been dating someone younger he would not have got married or had kids so quickly but when we met I made it clear that these were dealbreakers for me and I wasn’t going to waste my time on a relationship where he “might” marry me at some unspecified time in the future.

Let him consider what you’ve said and then a frank talk about what you want needs to be laid out. Kids, marriage, everything. Tell him that if he can’t give you this commitment then you’d rather know now so you can walk away and have time to find someone who wants the same things. Make it clear that if he has any respect for you he will be honest as the very worst thing he could do is to string you along and you lose your chance of having children (if that’s what you want of course)

TimetoGoTed · 12/10/2022 09:16

I'm not sure the OP is still reading this.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 12/10/2022 09:25

TimetoGoTed · 12/10/2022 09:16

I'm not sure the OP is still reading this.

It’s probably a difficult read

Nizanb · 12/10/2022 09:37

allboysherebutme · 11/10/2022 22:33

Some people just don't want to get married it doesn't mean they don't love you, some people think it's a piece of paper and a waste of money. X

Yes. One of my family members were together for over 10 years before they married and had 2 children together. They only got married because the children said they'd like them to be married.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2022 09:43

essentially, DP feels we both need to experience more things together before he feels ready to marry

Did he say what sort of things? Because there’s nothing stopping you doing any of it once you’re married - it won’t fundamentally change your lives together.

The two barriers that he might really he nervous about are 1) financial commitment and 2) children.

If you happily share finances or manage them to adult - no fundamental disagreements about who pays for what or you’re a spender/he’s a saver, then it’s most likely that you said marriage and he heard “and kids”.

BogRollBOGOF · 12/10/2022 10:09

I knew after 2 years that marriage was the direction I wanted to move in. We had a conversation after a year of living together and established that we were ultimately in the same direction. I was early 20s and there's an age gap. I didn't want to make that commitment at that point and there was plenty of time to play with and I talked about where I wanted to be to be to feel secure about commitment (e.g. established into my career). Life wasn't quite that neat but a few years later by mid-20s I did feel ready for those next stages and there was nothing to be gained by further delay to formal engagement, marriage and children.

When you're both in your 30s, you're at that stage already, and there's less time to play with. Marriage shouldn't be a scary concept to people in their 30s who already live a married lifestyle. Marriage is a public expression of commitment, and a legal/ financial contract, but the day to day life doesn't change.

I'd give a few months of thinking time so any decisions are rational, but if he can't give clear, reasoned responses after that point, I'd be seriously reviewing what I wanted in life which may not include dragging along someone who isn't keen to move forwards.

Original poster
swingle · 12/10/2022 11:08

Thanks everyone for your advice. I’ve decided to leave things for a few days, in the hope that he has a bit more time to think things through and I intend to bring the topic back up again, as it’s still unresolved as far as I’m concerned. If it’s a case of giving him 6 months or so from there to decide, I’m happy to do that, but no longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
swingle · 12/10/2022 11:09

I wasn’t expecting us to have the talk and instantly plan a marriage, but I don’t want to wait for a “maybe” in two years either

OP posts:
unsync · 12/10/2022 11:24

It sounds like his idea of marriage may not be the same as yours. Ask him what he thinks of when someone says 'marriage'. If it's a chair by the fire, pipe and slippers or maybe even divorce, rather than just making a deeper commitment then he'll be freaking out.

MrsGluck · 12/10/2022 11:29

He doesn't want to marry you. Maybe he doesn't want to marry at all. Hard to tell from what you have written. He got the deer in the headlights look because he knew that if he said he doesn't want to marry, you would finish with him.

What exactly is he expecting to experience in the next two years that would possibly change his mind?

Jackienory · 12/10/2022 11:40

Royalbloo · 11/10/2022 19:13

Do you want to get married or want to get married to him?

Exactly. You've hit the nail squarely on the head.

ReneBumsWombats · 12/10/2022 11:49

In your 30s, I think you can know yourself well enough to at least have an idea after two years, especially since you've faced various life challenges together.

I wouldn't be impressed with this, OP. I don't like men who don't know what they want or, as I suspect is the case here, do know what they want but won't own it and will keep wasting your time over it. In my experience, men who want to commit to you will do so; I find men are pretty good at going after what they want. Hanging around enjoying the sex and housework for as long as it lasts but taking it no further isn't the same at all. If that's all he wants, he'll be happy and might make noises to keep it, but if he's not moving to a deeper commitment, then that's because he doesn't want it. With you, anyway.

It's amazing how many of them don't want to marry until they meet the woman they do want to marry. It's surprisingly and depressingly common for them to hang around not wanting marriage or kids until they've run a woman's clock down and then, as soon as the option for kids with her has passed, find a younger woman to marry and procreate with.

I think you need to proceed on the assumption that he will not marry you and is not wholly in in that sense. Whatever decision you make, base it on that. Protect yourself if you buy a house or have kids. If you want kids and he doesn't, waste no time in cutting loose.

missmamiecuddleduck · 12/10/2022 11:49

Men tend to know right away if they want to marry someone. That's just how they're wired.

You'll never get a straight up answer out of him as that would ruin what he's got going.

Seems you moved in right away and bought a house together right away so he wasn't hesitant about that. Those things would benefit him though. Getting on the property ladder and likely helping him build his career.

A term I've heard used is barb the builder relationships.

He's got all the time in the world for marriage and a family.
You don't.