DP of two years still isn’t sure about marriage

[swingle]

DP and I have been together for just over 2 years and have lived together for over a year, we are both early 30s. The relationship is fantastic and we’re both very happy, but it recently occurred to me that whilst we speak about future plans, DP never speaks about marriage or when that might be. From my point of view, whilst two years isn’t a huge amount of time, I feel it’s been long enough for me to know with absolute certainty that I want to marry him. We’ve both supported each other through a huge amount over the last two years, including close family deaths, new jobs, house renovation and so on, so it’s not as if we haven’t faced challenges during our relationship either.

Decided to have the conversation with DP about marriage and he seemed like a deer in headlights, asking if I was saying I wanted to get married right now. We spoke more about it and essentially, DP feels we both need to experience more things together before he feels ready to marry and that “perhaps in the next couple of years” he will want to. To me this felt like such a wishy washy response and I’ve been left with more questions than answers.

AIBU in thinking that two years should be long enough to know for certain whether you want to marry someone, especially at our age? I respect myself enough not to wait around if someone else doesn’t feel the same.

While two years isn't long enough, I don't think a deer in headlights response is exactly appropriate either, especially for a man in his thirties. He must have some inkling where the relationship is heading! It's not as if they are teenagers.

Op in your shoes I think I would take myself off somewhere alone this weekend. Don't be dramatic about it, just tell him you need to think for a bit.

It's up to you what you do with his response but why not take a break? If you are right for one another then it will all work out but just as he has a right to feel as he does, so do you!

Unless there are some health, family or financial reasons why he can't entertain the idea of getting married ATM, then I wouldn't necessarily be hanging around waiting for him to clarify his feelings. Personally, I think it was a little early to ask the question you did, but having done so, it can't be unasked, so it will kind of be hanging there between you now and that might be difficult.

I don't think 2 years is very long to make a decision about the rest of your entire life.

It's good to establish that you both want the same things ultimately i.e. marriage, children or not, so neither of you are wasting your time with someone on a completely different life path.

But it's still quite early for an actual proposal I think.

I agree with this. I think it’s great you started the conversation and now you need to look at your options.

I'd have been a bit freaked out if DP had wanted to discuss marriage at two years in. I was still getting to know him at that point. We hadn't experienced living together for very long at two years in. For me, marriage isn't something I'd want to rush. I'm happy to enjoy him and us until we feel ready to take it to that next level but it doesn't mean I love him any less.

God I disagree with a lot of the comments. I wouldn't back off or play it cool so as not to scare the poor lamb off, why game play? Also in the camp of when you know, you know. We were married 10 months after we met, over a decade later super happy. Sorry but I think he should know if he wants to marry you or not after 2 years.

I agree OP, two years is long enough in your 30snto know whether or not you want a future with that person. I would be very disappointed in that response because he sounds unsure if he wants to marry you. He hasn't made up his mind about you. That's very hurtful about being his best friend and showing him all sides of yourself after two years. I would revisit this issue again and ask him to think about it over the next 3-6 months. Hopefully he will have a clearer idea of where he stands. It's okay to not want to marry right now but he should be confident they he wants to marry you in the next few years. If not, and if you want children, then move on.

And that's fair, marriage isn't for everyone. For me it was important as I wanted a child and did not want to enter coparenting without the legal side of marriage. There were various things that would have put me at risk moving to part time work had we not been married. It wasn't really anything to do with romance for us, we wanted to be married and share a name and be seen as family in the eyes of the law but the romance side wasn't a huge part of it, it's a legal contract after all!
I think people are just recognising that OP isn't getting the commitment she wants from this relationship. If she didn't want marriage it'd be fine and dandy. Fine to want it, fine not to want it, problems arise when you're on different pages.

You have basically supported the point I was making.

Men will have entire long term relationships, sometimes with children involved, with women who they fancy and think ‘good enough for now’. They know for a fact that long term it’s not the right fit- but they stay as having a live in girlfriend generally makes the average blokes life easier.

All the more reason you shouldn’t stay with a man who has made it very clear that you aren’t his right fit/marriage material- if that’s what you want from him.

But your views on the necessity of marriage, with respect, are irrelevant. The OP obviously is interested in and places a value on marriage. What she wants to know is our views on her partner’s reaction.

OP, you have planted the seed. Try to ignore it for a few weeks, see what comes up. I’m afraid I got quite worried about being married ( though at a much later life stage than you) because I was concerned about inheritance tax , (menopausal anxiety). I got a similar reaction to you, I was frankly pretty upset.

two months later he proposed to me in a rather romantic way…..

You think marriage represents Christianity? I can't tell from your wording there, but it had been practiced for thousands of years before Jesus lived.

You have bought a house together, I would be a bit worried if he isnt 100% on board with your relationship........

I’m 50 and I have too many same-age friends who are childless (not by choice) or who had their first/only DC at 43/44 years old because they were placeholder girlfriends at some point in their late 20s and 30s. They would tell you to have a serious conversation with your partner and then to cut your losses if he resisted marriage and children.

These are not bad guys ….but they are not playing fair either. I’m sure that your partner is a decent man but he needs to be candid with you.

Myself and DH moved in together very quickly but didn't agree we'd like to get married until over 3 years in. My suggestion would be to leave it for a year then to have the conversation again. This is a compromise between his couple of years and your right now. In the mean time make sure he is the one for you and I'd you do decide to marry and have kids make sure you discuss who will take on the various forms of additional work that goes alongside with having kids

And if his reaction is similar in a year I think you have your answer.

Absolutely this. He is not going to marry you. He has zero intention of getting married. He's got exactly what he wants already without the commitment.

You're a placeholder girlfriend, OP.

Don't wait around.

If he doesn't know by now then the answer is no. Think of it like this, it's not that you're asking you set a date and book a venue - you're searching whether he's on your level and sees a life with you going forward and his response is to look like a deer in the headlights means as much as he might enjoy your company and is happy with you, he doesn't see his forever with you. What you shouldn't do is bargain with him, that way madness lies.

“They are not bad guys, but not playing fair either.”

That’s a really good way of putting it.

Plenty of women’s doting and kind husbands have had a placeholder or ‘good enough’ girlfriend at some point in their lives, sadly.

If you are suffering from this commitment imbalance- all you can really do is get out, and find someone whose values align with your own. You don’t want to be the rescue centre before he finds his forever home.

I think 2 years is quite short. And men do seem to panic about commitment when it comes 'out of the blue' to them.

>IMO you want your partner to propose and marry you because he wants too and not because you’re on at him and he feels like he has too otherwise you’ll dump him

I think an awful lot of men only agree to marriage because of that very reason. The woman then takes it as a result coz she’s focused on her own agenda. But the truth of it is , that it’s not a decision made freely of his own volition but a fear-based decision. Sadly one that many grow to regret. And you only have to browse this site for evidence of that.

My point is that marriage , like having kids, is something you really should be a 100% certain you are doing the right thing for the right reasons and for men especially, not just a fear-based reaction.

Remember you are marrying another human being, because you want to spend of your life with that person, for better or for worse. Not just I want to have kids so I’m looking for a biological partner to share the costs with.

Seen it happen, too many times.

Agree with these. 2 years is not a long time if in your early 20s, but by your early 30s it is long enough to know. Moving in with him was possibly a mistake as he now thinks he doesn't have to bother with marriage and you won't leave due to "sunk costs fallacy".

I wouldn't mention it again for at least 6 months. Keep your finances separate, think of him as a boyfriend rather than a partner, pay what you can into your pension scheme and try to have some savings of your own. Revaluate at 6 months or 1 year and if the situation is the same, move out. Alternatively, you could say that you moved in too soon and move out now and just go back to dating him. After all, he's not ready for commitment.

Placeholder GF alert!!!!!

OP,

Reread @Suprima's post.

This is the truth.

Highly unlikely he wants to marry you.

That doesn't mean he is not very fond of you and you are his good enough for now girlfriend.

Men like this are so plentiful.

They can be really nice guys who are just suiting themselves.

Be very wary.

They can meet and move on to their FOREVER woman in weeks!

I agree with this.

He’s just trying to keep you sweet.

Well he doesn't want to marry you, for whatever reason. You're right, two years is plenty enough to know, so it's up to you to decide what to do.