DP of two years still isn’t sure about marriage

[swingle]

DP and I have been together for just over 2 years and have lived together for over a year, we are both early 30s. The relationship is fantastic and we’re both very happy, but it recently occurred to me that whilst we speak about future plans, DP never speaks about marriage or when that might be. From my point of view, whilst two years isn’t a huge amount of time, I feel it’s been long enough for me to know with absolute certainty that I want to marry him. We’ve both supported each other through a huge amount over the last two years, including close family deaths, new jobs, house renovation and so on, so it’s not as if we haven’t faced challenges during our relationship either.

Decided to have the conversation with DP about marriage and he seemed like a deer in headlights, asking if I was saying I wanted to get married right now. We spoke more about it and essentially, DP feels we both need to experience more things together before he feels ready to marry and that “perhaps in the next couple of years” he will want to. To me this felt like such a wishy washy response and I’ve been left with more questions than answers.

AIBU in thinking that two years should be long enough to know for certain whether you want to marry someone, especially at our age? I respect myself enough not to wait around if someone else doesn’t feel the same.

Bullshit. My rule was one year. I knew I wanted to marry my husband within the first two months, and I was right. I had been in 3 year+ relationships before but knew I wasn't going to marry them (and told them so).

If he doesn't know after two years then go find someone who can't wait to marry you!!

I'd want to know if he wanted to get married too.

At two years in early thirties I'd hope the response should be yes some day. Not maybe I'm a few years. You are not on the same page.

Tell him outright that you want to get married and we what he says.

I got married after 2.5 years.

He doesn't want to marry you.

I think 2 years is more than enough time to know whether you want to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with them. Also you have lived together for over a year so presumably know each other well.

I am surprised how many posters don't think 2 years is long enough

Me and DH got married 5 months after meeting, didn't live together before and, shock horror, I wasn't pregnant! We just knew we wanted to be together and marriage was important to both of us.

We celebrated our 42nd anniversary this year and are very happy and very much in love.

Do you know what his view is on marriage? Is it something he wants, something he believes in? Me and DH both have strong views on marriage and it is very very important to both of us.

Do you want to get married or want to get married to him?

He's not up for it. Move on.

I think it's good that he's thinking about it. Marriage binds you to someone financially, sexually, geographically. So many people do it without thinking about the consequences.
If you want kids, however, then you need to find someone who wants the same while you are young enough to do that. It might not be your current boyfriend.

What I'm saying though is that in many cases it's not that they see their partner as 'good enough for now'. I've had a fair few friends who just didn't think themselves very romantic and took an almost transactional approach to their relationships - ticking off all the right boxes etc.

Then they met a guy they just clicked with and it totally changed their perspective. Went from 'not being romantic' to madly deeply in love.

Just don't leave a guy you get on well with to marry a prat. 😂

It seems rushed to me, but I also would not have dreamed of moving in together after a year. To each her own.

Better that he be sure than be pressurized into it. I wouldn't want to marry anyone who had to be wheedled into taking the vows.

The responses on here are highly amusing. There are so many assumptions.

I have been with my DP for 5 years and love every hair on his head. If we had had marriage discussions at 2 years in I would have ran for the hills! I'm not settling for him. He's no temporary boyfriend. I just want time to be completely sure and for me that'll take more than a couple of years. Everyone is different and thats not a male/female thing.

We don't know the BFs previous relationship history. We know very little.

Either you're going to have to accept the wait OP or cut your losses.

Why waste 1 minute more of your life on a man who doesn't even know if he wants to marry you?! Do you not have any self worth?

You are allowed to take control of your life!

18 months is plenty fgs.

You don't have time to waste if you actually want kids!

At your ages 2 years is plenty long enough especially if you want children. His underwhelming response must be disappointing. I would keep the conversation going and if he is continues to be less than keen don't let him run down your fertility clock.

At your ages then he should know whether his long term future lies with you or not.

I met my now husband when I was 27 and I moved in with him after 6 months and I just knew my future lay with him and he said he felt the same. We then got married almost two years later.

If after two years together, at the stage of life you are both at, he doesn’t know if he sees marriage in his/your future then I think you need to accept that you are on totally different pages.

Is he a person who needs a bit of a heads up to discuss things?
My husband is like that.
If I 'ambush' him with a discussion he is hopeless - like a deer in the headlights. Even if it's just weekend plans or something simple!
So to accommodate this I have adopted the habit of giving him a heads up. I message him earlier in the day to say 'we need to make a decision about X. Can we discuss after dinner?' and then I get my discussion and decision with his input, and he is useful and ready to discuss. Just a thought.

The right time isn't about how long you've known each other, it's about how committed you both are.

It's a silly notion that there is a set amount of time to know someone. I've been married 27 years and my DH and I have had hard times and good times which is where you continually find out more about each other and yourself, but I really still don't think I totally know him.
But I do think he's totally committed to me and to figuring it out as we go.

If after 2 years you don't think you're going to get married or make a commitment then what is the purpose of the relationship?
Surely most relationships are test grounds for commitment and they end when there is obviously not going to be commitment.

Or all relationships are temporary, based around only whether they are currently pleasant and you keep moving on when it no longer gives you what you want.
If he's in this frame of mind you need to know.

What exactly is he not sure about after 2 years? After 4 years there are no guarantees. Or does he have doubts about you? Or does he want to keep his options open?

For me after 2 years I'd want to know what the relationship was based on.
Especially if I was a 30 year old woman.

State what you want. Ask for clarity. Really consider what he tells you both in what he says and how he acts, then do what is right for you.
Don't hang around accepting less than you want, allowing him to waste your time.

I think he sounds like a good sensible guy. If anyone mentioned marriage to me begore 3 years, it would make me go quiet. Personally, I think 2 years is still a new relationship & nothing wrong with wanting to do more stuff/let time pass a bit to build stronger foundations.

I think that as this was the first time you've discussed marriage, it's reasonable that he was a bit taken aback. However, now is the time to make it clear that "perhaps in the next couple of years" isn't good enough for you. Maybe six months would be a reasonable compromise - to give him a bit longer to think about it, but prevent you from wasting your time on someone who's not sure?

I understand what you're saying. You're in your early 30s. If you want to be married before you have kids, then you don't have loads of time for "maybe in a few years."

Ok... So say you're 32 now, and then "in a few years" you're 35. What if he still isn't sure? What if he doesn't want to get married then? Then you're left at mid 30s having to start from scratch.

And say he does propose and you get married mid 30s, you're going to have a baby around 36/37. Doesn't leave a lot of room for fertility issues or thinking about having more than 1 baby.

What on earth else does he want to experience? I call BS. This guy doesn’t want to marry you op. It’s up to you if this is a dealbreaker. If you want kids, it should be. I hope you jointly own your house..

I do disagree that he doesn't see his forever with you, though. maybe marriage just isn't important to him? Many people make a life together without marriage

Have you discussed having kids yet? If you want children then I’d drop it casually into conversation that oh in the future I can definitely see myself having kids at some point and see what his reaction is……

i think men can freak out a bit when it comes to settling down. You’re half way there with the house etc so I’d say he probably wants to marry you but just hasn’t thought it all out in his head.

I would give it six months and have the conversation again. If he’s still vague it’s probably ultimatum time because if you do want kids in your 30s then the clock has begun ticking and you haven’t got time to waste!

Excellent advice.

I think you tell more about how someone feels and how committed they are by what they do day in, day out, then by high days and holidays and somewhat ‘box ticking’ exercises like marriage. I’m at the extreme end of not seeing the point of marriage unless a) you have kids or b) you would stand to lose assets via inheritance tax, but would say maybe you don’t need to focus so much on marriage in and of itself. The kids thing is much more the issue. If he agrees he wants children (with you) then you can get a timeline together and then you can talk marriage. I agree with PPs that you can’t let him be too relaxed just because his biological clock has a bit more time.