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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Frustrated and let down by my friend

114 replies

LovingLifesHurdles · 09/10/2022 23:07

Please help me get my hormonal, pregnant emotions in check!

My friend, who used to be a nanny, now runs her own business doing a number of other things. I love that she has found her passion & have supported her emotionally and practically.

I work and need someone to pick up my DD from nursery a couple times a week and bring her home. My friend lives a short walk to me & the nursery. I asked my friend months in advance and made it clear I was looking for a professional commitment for 1 school year. I was clear that if she didn't have the time it was absolutely ok, I would find another alternative. She is more expensive than a childminder, but I was happy to pay. She agreed, seemed keen.

A month in, all seemingly going great. DD happy to be with my friend, friend seems happy too, no behaviour issues, I am on time for handover, pay on time. Got a message out of the blue saying she no longer wants to carry on with our arrangement as she has offer of more work through her business and doesn't have time for DD anymore.

I'm so frustrated and angry. She's basically left me in the shit because she received a better offer. Sorting out new childcare at 3 weeks notice in the middle of term is a nightmare here. We don't live in a big place so options are super limited and everyone recommended is now busy. It would have been no issue when I initially started looking.

Aibu to feel that if you make a professional commitment, or a commitment to a friend you don't just walk away because you don't fancy it anymore?? I know I am probably being somewhat unreasonable but I just feel so let down! Childcare during covid has been such a nightmare and every time I finally start to think it's sorted I'm back to square 1. I have a really full on job and I can't keep dropping out due to childcare if I intend to keep my job!

Please help me give my head a wobble! Would you be ok with this and carry on with the friendship as before? What do I say to her when I see her next week?

OP posts:
Queuesarasarah · 09/10/2022 23:10

I think giving you until after Christmas to find new childcare would have been reasonable.

Danikm151 · 09/10/2022 23:11

Maybe she has seen that the lines between a friendship and a professional relationship has been blurred.
it has the potential to ruin a friendship. If you had the opportunity for a promotion you would take it, why shouldn’t your friend?
maybe try and be happy for her. Don’t pretend you’re not disappointed but try to understand.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 09/10/2022 23:14

Ime your friendship will never be the same. I had a long conversation with a friend years ago. Offered her the opportunity to work for me or look after dc while I worked more. She said she would love to have dc. At a party 3 weeks before the end of my maternity another friend asked her if she was looking forward to having dc. She denied any conversation had ever happened! I didn't confront her. We muddled on for a few months.. I ended the friendship for other reasons but I did harbour resentment.

Coyoacan · 09/10/2022 23:15

Must be hard for you, but you cannot expect your friend to give up a business opportunity to please you. At least she has given you three weeks notice

Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 09/10/2022 23:18

Danikm151 · 09/10/2022 23:11

Maybe she has seen that the lines between a friendship and a professional relationship has been blurred.
it has the potential to ruin a friendship. If you had the opportunity for a promotion you would take it, why shouldn’t your friend?
maybe try and be happy for her. Don’t pretend you’re not disappointed but try to understand.

I know what you are saying about friendships and business but I honestly thought we could make it through 10 months without ruining our friendship or I would have never asked. I thought if I was just on my best behaviour, made sure DD was polite and kind etc we would have no issues. Clearly I was wrong!

Also I am not sure I would take a promotion at the cost of leaving my friend in the shit, unless perhaps it was super awful circumstances perhaps? (Also this isn't quite that, it's just an offer of more work)

OP posts:
Vegalam · 09/10/2022 23:18

She's doing it because you are friends so feels she can get away with it. YANBU. Very irritating and after similar experiences I no longer do business with family or friends.

Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 09/10/2022 23:21

Coyoacan · 09/10/2022 23:15

Must be hard for you, but you cannot expect your friend to give up a business opportunity to please you. At least she has given you three weeks notice

I don't see it as doing it 'to please me' but more because she made a commitment. If I make a commitment to a friend, or at work, I do my best to honour it.

Perhaps I was just expecting too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 09/10/2022 23:23

Vegalam · 09/10/2022 23:18

She's doing it because you are friends so feels she can get away with it. YANBU. Very irritating and after similar experiences I no longer do business with family or friends.

That's my usual approach to life. I honestly don't know why I thought it would not be an issue this time. I guess I just thought it would be nice for DD to have time with someone she knows and who likes her rather than a stranger. I'm just disappointed I guess.

OP posts:
phishy · 09/10/2022 23:26

I think your friend has behaved quite badly and should give you more notice.

I doubt she would have pulled this on a client that wasn’t a friend. The old cliche about not mixing business with pleasure is true.

I wouldn’t be doing her any favours again.

phishy · 09/10/2022 23:26

Coyoacan · 09/10/2022 23:15

Must be hard for you, but you cannot expect your friend to give up a business opportunity to please you. At least she has given you three weeks notice

It’s not about pleasing OP. It’s about honouring a commitment.

surreygirl1987 · 09/10/2022 23:32

Well what does her contract say? What notice period did you agree on? If she is breaking that, then YANBU but otherwise, you are... this is her career after all.

saraclara · 09/10/2022 23:38

You can't expect anyone to commit to a very part time role for a year.
I get that it's frustrating, but I think you are naive to think that anyone growing a new business would pass over a much larger job for the sake of a few hours for her friend.

Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 09/10/2022 23:46

saraclara · 09/10/2022 23:38

You can't expect anyone to commit to a very part time role for a year.
I get that it's frustrating, but I think you are naive to think that anyone growing a new business would pass over a much larger job for the sake of a few hours for her friend.

It's not at all a new business but I get your point.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 09/10/2022 23:51

she should know how hard it is to sort out childcare at short notice shold have at least given you a co9uple of months

nannyquestion1 · 09/10/2022 23:54

saraclara · 09/10/2022 23:38

You can't expect anyone to commit to a very part time role for a year.
I get that it's frustrating, but I think you are naive to think that anyone growing a new business would pass over a much larger job for the sake of a few hours for her friend.

Yes you can if the person agreed to it!! Full job spec was upfront, nothing hidden.

Changeee1546789 · 10/10/2022 00:28

You are completely right to feel angry OP and I would too.

I asked my friend months in advance and made it clear I was looking for a professional commitment for 1 school year. I was clear that if she didn't have the time it was absolutely ok, I would find another alternative. She is more expensive than a childminder, but I was happy to pay. She agreed, seemed keen

That is the long and short of it. I would not give two fucks if she has new business, she committed to something to help out a friend and has now bailed leaving only 3 weeks which is selfish and shit especially when DC is involved. I would struggle to continue on a friendship like this OP.

Cw112 · 10/10/2022 00:46

I kind of think times are tough at the moment and she's maybe in a position being self employed that she cannot turn down more work due to costs and covering her bills. Yes ideally she'd have given you more notice but equally if that bit more notice came at the expense of her being able to keep her business going then is that what you'd want for your friend? You said earlier "it's not a promotion its an offer of more work" if you're self employed promotion isn't exactly on the table but more steady work is self promotion in itself you sound like you don't massively understand or value what it takes to run a business. I'd speak to her, explain you were upset and felt that you should have got more notice from her because she knows it will leave you in the lurch and see what she says. I know childcare is a mare to sort out and no wonder it's got you stressed but with so many businesses closing their doors and winter electricity and heating bills going up I think you need to factor that into why she's maybe had to do it.

VeganSoulFood · 10/10/2022 01:09

I get why you’re annoyed, but honestly, I think mixing friendship with a professional commitment always has the potential for this kind of messiness, and I also think it was a little odd you asked her in the first place, given that she no longer works in childcare, but runs her own business. Obviously she could have said no, and with hindsight she should have, but the possibility of her being offered extra work that would be tempting to prioritise over this kind of very part-time arrangement was always there.

neighboursmustliveon · 10/10/2022 01:31

I briefly used a friend who was a childminder to mind my child. She let me down 3 times in 5 months, twice last minute ie the night before and one of those times was completely unavoidable she just chose to let me down (my child was her only all day care that day so she did all her pre and post school care but said she couldn't have my child to go hang out keeping someone company.

I stopped using her as I didn't have a job that was able to be so flexible and we switched to nursery who were never an issue in the 4 years we used them.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 10/10/2022 02:08

If she's only been doing it a month she doesn't even have to give you notice so I think 3 weeks is fine. It's frustrating but things like this happen all the time. If you didn't need her anymore you'd give her notice too. It works both ways.
Yes she did leave you for something better which she is well within her rights to do. She's perfectly entitled to better herself and berated business.
You don't own people because they work for you.
By your own admission you can't do pick ups because of your job. She now can't because of her job.
Your child = your problem.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 10/10/2022 02:10

Addicted2LoveIsland · 10/10/2022 02:08

If she's only been doing it a month she doesn't even have to give you notice so I think 3 weeks is fine. It's frustrating but things like this happen all the time. If you didn't need her anymore you'd give her notice too. It works both ways.
Yes she did leave you for something better which she is well within her rights to do. She's perfectly entitled to better herself and berated business.
You don't own people because they work for you.
By your own admission you can't do pick ups because of your job. She now can't because of her job.
Your child = your problem.

That's meant to say "better her business"

Moonshine5 · 10/10/2022 02:26

If she wasn't a 'friend' would you hold her to a higher or lower account- OP do you expect anybody to turn down a promotion ?

user1477249785 · 10/10/2022 02:28

I think the replies here are odd. You say you expected this to be a professional arrangement. I have employed nannies including part time and guess what? Life changes and sometimes they leave. It's a job, with a notice period. Not a commitment for life. I actually think you are blurring the professional and personal. In the former, this is ok and to be expected occasionally. You are cross because as a friend, you think she owes you more...

user1471457751 · 10/10/2022 02:55

How many people here criticising the friend would think it reasonable for an employer to demand a 9 month notice period? Because that is essentially what the OP is wanting right now. She said she wanted this on professional terms not as a friend doing a favour. And professional terms is giving notice when you quit your job - for such a small job like this anything beyond 4 weeks would be madness.

The OP hired her friend on a fixed term contract. It's no surprise the friend has gone for a better position. I'm sure the usual advice on here to a woman employed on a ftc with a better job offer would be to quit as a 1 year contract provides no security whatsoever.

FlipFlopBattle · 10/10/2022 02:56

As well as not mixing work/friends, I would add, based on personal experience, not to mix nannying and a new business!

First Nanny we hired was experienced, enthusiastic, wanted to cut down to after-school hours for a year so she could help her husband with the business he'd just started.

We agreed 4 weeks' notice on either side. First week of term, all was great. I was surprised that she asked on the first Sunday morning if I could pay for hours already done, as it was her who had suggested fortnightly payments, but no problem.

Sunday night, another message, saying thanks for the money and sorry for lack of notice but the business had won a massive bid that required both of them full-time immediately!

I learnt from that to be more observant about what someone's actual passion/next career goal is, as they often unconsciously give away where their priorities would lie. e.g. interviewed another experienced Nanny who was slightly reserved. I asked what she did in her spare time: eyes lit up, some sort of social media influencer thing that was going well and "already" covered half of the bills. Totally obvious (to me) that she'd basically just said she'd jack in the nannying immediately if the other gig increased. Didn't hire her...

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