Frustrated and let down by my friend

[LovingLifesHurdles]

Please help me get my hormonal, pregnant emotions in check!

My friend, who used to be a nanny, now runs her own business doing a number of other things. I love that she has found her passion & have supported her emotionally and practically.

I work and need someone to pick up my DD from nursery a couple times a week and bring her home. My friend lives a short walk to me & the nursery. I asked my friend months in advance and made it clear I was looking for a professional commitment for 1 school year. I was clear that if she didn't have the time it was absolutely ok, I would find another alternative. She is more expensive than a childminder, but I was happy to pay. She agreed, seemed keen.

A month in, all seemingly going great. DD happy to be with my friend, friend seems happy too, no behaviour issues, I am on time for handover, pay on time. Got a message out of the blue saying she no longer wants to carry on with our arrangement as she has offer of more work through her business and doesn't have time for DD anymore.

I'm so frustrated and angry. She's basically left me in the shit because she received a better offer. Sorting out new childcare at 3 weeks notice in the middle of term is a nightmare here. We don't live in a big place so options are super limited and everyone recommended is now busy. It would have been no issue when I initially started looking.

Aibu to feel that if you make a professional commitment, or a commitment to a friend you don't just walk away because you don't fancy it anymore?? I know I am probably being somewhat unreasonable but I just feel so let down! Childcare during covid has been such a nightmare and every time I finally start to think it's sorted I'm back to square 1. I have a really full on job and I can't keep dropping out due to childcare if I intend to keep my job!

Please help me give my head a wobble! Would you be ok with this and carry on with the friendship as before? What do I say to her when I see her next week?

I think an acknowledgment of the inconvenience would be gracious on her part, and an offer to help until you find alternative arrangements.

But you do seem hung up on the "commitment" aspect. Maybe she didn't interpret "I need someone for this year..." as binding on her end. She may have been thinking "OK, I'll give it a go.." rather than "OK, I'm tied to this till June 2023."

but anyone you employed could of done this, friend or not. She has given you notice. If it’s a good friendship I wouldn’t let this ruin it

Thank you all for your comments, I took a couple of days to calm down a bit and try to see it also from my friend's perspective. I felt a bit better about it so I decided when I saw her today I would just say it's disappointing and leave it at that. If she has other work priorities I just have to accept it on face value.

Unfortunately, completely unprompted by me, she came out with the fact that her business isn't any busier than she expected but actually she just doesn't want to do it anymore. Those who suggested she just didn't fancy it anymore were right. Basically as it breaks up her day, even though it's not clashing with anything particularly she just doesn't want to anymore. Her exact words were 'oh well, I tried'. Still no apology.

So although I somewhat made my peace with it previously I'm back to being rather pissed off. Although obviously it's anyone's right to quit a job they no longer want to do, the reason she is choosing to leave me in the shit at late notice is rather poor in my opinion. I don't think it says good things about a person when their word means so little to them, either in a professional or a friend context.

I'm disappointed but I am just going to move on and leave her to it. There was no point getting into it, she clearly doesn't care what position she has put me in (and is under no obligation to either). I am going to pull back from the friendship, it's not something I want to invest in further.

Your 'friend' is an inconsiderate twat.

I think she didn't realise what a pain it's actually going to be. She will be restricted in any plans because she has to be available. Sounds like she didn't think it through, it would have made sense if it was a few kids and worth her while but just 1, the money wasn't probably worth the inconvenience for her.

To not recognise or appreciate the pickle she has left you in is pretty rude and inconsiderate.
A private CM would be viewed badly for this attitude.

Ah that's terrible, op. I'm sorry. Whilst I do understand she doesn't want to do it anymore, it's still really shitty for you that she's just dropped you and left you with no childcare at short notice. If it were me, I would have been honest, said I didn't want to anymore but I'll continue until you find an alternative option.

She’s not a nanny anymore though, is that right? She’s doing something else as a business. Maybe she felt guilted into doing this for you, but there’d have been a reason she wanted out of the nannying business but you plunked her back in it. Yes I agree 3 weeks notice isn’t much if it’s difficult to find childcare but people regularly quit jobs on less. Essentially (1) you probably shouldn’t have asked her in the first place and (2) she shouldn’t have agreed to do it to possibly just please you.

I think you are expecting too much. Shit happens and arrangements don't always work out. She did try but really your initial act was out of line and basically using your friendship to your advantage.

If she wasn't soliciting nanny work, why did you put her on the spot in the first place? She probably felt forced into agreeing.

You are blaming her without reflection on your own actions. Leveraging a social relationship to get a convenient arrangement for yourself isn't terribly admirable. Why not just go to a professional minder?

Three weeks isn't short notice.

Three weeks is pretty darned short notice when term has already started and most childcare offerings will already be booked up. Fine if OP was just planning to go for a swim or a haircut, but this is for work to pay her bills.

OP
No point in saying much to flaky people like that.

But be glad you know.

She can't be arsed and that is it.

Be glad you know.

Real friends don't commit to one thing and then drop you in it because they can't be arsed.

Flaky people do.

I don't invest in friendships like that.
They offer no appeal to me.

Move on and invest in friendships with similar values.

Better in the long run.
Hope you get sorted.

She's not giving up the commitment because she doesn't fancy it anymore. She's giving up because something more lucrative for her business has come along. In a time of a massive and deepening cost of living crisis that's understandable - she just might not be able to afford to do it anymore. Of course it's a nuisance for you and annoying but I'd keep that to yourself.

"Unfortunately, completely unprompted by me, she came out with the fact that her business isn't any busier than she expected but actually she just doesn't want to do it anymore. Those who suggested she just didn't fancy it anymore were right. Basically as it breaks up her day, even though it's not clashing with anything particularly she just doesn't want to anymore. Her exact words were 'oh well, I tried'. Still no apology."

@Bouledeneige, incorrect........ the above are the Op's words "she just didn't fancy it anymore,"
"She just doesn't want to do it".