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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Frustrated and let down by my friend

114 replies

LovingLifesHurdles · 09/10/2022 23:07

Please help me get my hormonal, pregnant emotions in check!

My friend, who used to be a nanny, now runs her own business doing a number of other things. I love that she has found her passion & have supported her emotionally and practically.

I work and need someone to pick up my DD from nursery a couple times a week and bring her home. My friend lives a short walk to me & the nursery. I asked my friend months in advance and made it clear I was looking for a professional commitment for 1 school year. I was clear that if she didn't have the time it was absolutely ok, I would find another alternative. She is more expensive than a childminder, but I was happy to pay. She agreed, seemed keen.

A month in, all seemingly going great. DD happy to be with my friend, friend seems happy too, no behaviour issues, I am on time for handover, pay on time. Got a message out of the blue saying she no longer wants to carry on with our arrangement as she has offer of more work through her business and doesn't have time for DD anymore.

I'm so frustrated and angry. She's basically left me in the shit because she received a better offer. Sorting out new childcare at 3 weeks notice in the middle of term is a nightmare here. We don't live in a big place so options are super limited and everyone recommended is now busy. It would have been no issue when I initially started looking.

Aibu to feel that if you make a professional commitment, or a commitment to a friend you don't just walk away because you don't fancy it anymore?? I know I am probably being somewhat unreasonable but I just feel so let down! Childcare during covid has been such a nightmare and every time I finally start to think it's sorted I'm back to square 1. I have a really full on job and I can't keep dropping out due to childcare if I intend to keep my job!

Please help me give my head a wobble! Would you be ok with this and carry on with the friendship as before? What do I say to her when I see her next week?

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 08:39

mumda · 10/10/2022 08:14

Move forward with your actual problem of finding a replacement.

Yes I already have. But the problem I was posting on here about is what I should do with regards to my feelings about it, and whether they are justified. This is important to me so that I can decide how to move forward with my friend both on this topic and in general.

OP posts:
britneyisfree · 10/10/2022 08:41

For starters never help with her business again. I'd probably distance myself for a bit if not permanently

SainteCroissante · 10/10/2022 08:46

This is a tricky one: Your friend is within her rights to "quit", but if this was me I'd give a friend way more notice, I'd have an honest conversation and not send a quick text, and I'd be doing my very best to help you find alternative arrangements.

So I think you are being unrealistic, rather than unreasonable, for expecting someone you are in a business relationship with to behave any differently to what your friend did, but you are not being unreasonable to be disappointed by your friend at all. I cannot imagine treating a friend like that, and I would never see someone who did this the the same way. They'd become an "acquaintance" I am friendly with, but the friendship would be over.

And as others have said, mixing personal and business relationships is a recipe for disaster, avoid as much as possible.

YellowTreeHouse · 10/10/2022 08:48

YABU. It’s not ideal but she shouldn’t turn down business - this is a long term thing for her. It’s more important.

Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 08:55

mountaindewview · 10/10/2022 08:36

Then that's you treating her as a friend and not a business arrangement.

Sorry.

Nothing to be sorry about, I'm really interested to find out people's viewpoints.

But I am not sure what you are suggesting. I don't think she comes across in a better light from a friend perspective really.

Or are you saying that because she's my friend and I didn't make a contract I should have absolutely no expectations of common professional or friendly behaviour from her? That it's unreasonable to have expectations if there is no contact? Although from a legal perspective you are right, I am not sure any of us really love our lives like that?

OP posts:
mountaindewview · 10/10/2022 08:57

You can't have an expectation of a professional arrangement when you're testing her like a friend and haven't put a contract etc in place

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 09:06

OP, if you lost your job and didn't need her services any longer, how much notice period would you pay her for?

More than three weeks?

happy66 · 10/10/2022 09:08

For a job like that 2 to 4 weeks notice I would say is acceptable.

there’s a good reason why people say don’t mix business with pleasure. And you are accountable for that. YABU sorry

Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 09:12

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 09:06

OP, if you lost your job and didn't need her services any longer, how much notice period would you pay her for?

More than three weeks?

At least a month, as per what my employer would give me... (Though they are contractually obligated and I would not be)

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 09:19

So if she had given four weeks notice v three weeks, you'd consider that fair?

washingbasketqueen · 10/10/2022 09:21

I would be hurt and feel let down on a personal level. But with my head I'd understand if they felt this work wasn't for them and they wanted to take on different work. Neither of you are in the wrong. It rarely turns out good mixing business and personal.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 10/10/2022 09:21

Yes, it’s a PITA but you’re being unrealistic and unfair to expect a higher level of commitment from her just because she’s your friend.

If you’d made an arrangement with a registered childminder who realised she couldn’t live on her current income and managed to get a full time job working in Tesco, she’d likely only have to give you a week’s notice.

That’s the reality of entering into an agreement with a professional, so your friend has actually been generous and more than reasonable. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 09:22

Ok I really really appreciate everyone's time to give their thoughts and input, I don't take that for granted.

IABU to have mixed business with friendship. Mistake. Never again.

IABU to mix up friendship expectations and business expectations, though I don't think either have been met here.

Based on the differing opinions on what would have been reasonable notice in this situation I am going to say absolutely nothing to my friend on this other than that I am disappointed. I won't make a big deal out of it, just try not to engage in conversation about it because I don't think I would necessarily be able to keep my cool. I am still cross about her behaviour, even if it's debatable if that's reasonable or not; but I can do my best to keep that to myself.

I don't think IABU to be disappointed or to feel let down. I think a few people have mentioned about pulling back from the friendship a bit and seeing how it goes - I think that's good advice.

OP posts:
Blowthemandown · 10/10/2022 09:25

@LovingLifesHurdles I think I’d ask if she can continue a bit longer while you sort an alternative. At that point explain you had thought you had a commitment and you had given her plenty of options to say no and you now wish she had said no to begin with. See how she responds and take it from there. Otherwise things will just fester.

lickenchugget · 10/10/2022 09:27

Also I am not sure I would take a promotion at the cost of leaving my friend in the shit, unless perhaps it was super awful circumstances perhaps? (Also this isn't quite that, it's just an offer of more work)

This is really unfair. I would absolutely expect anyone to move for a promotion in any role, friend or professional (especially in the current financial climate). She’s given you notice; I’m not sure what else you expect. Anyone can leave any job at any time, it’s no different because you are friends. As others have said, this is the issue with mixing friend and business, your expectations of her have not matched with hers

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 09:36

YANBU for feeling disappointed.

But I think holding her to standards different than any other childminder, regarding the notice period, is BU.

saraclara · 10/10/2022 09:48

Also I am not sure I would take a promotion at the cost of leaving my friend in the shit,

Even if the job you were doing for your friend was only for two hours a week, as in this case?

pantsville · 10/10/2022 09:50

I think you can be honest with her when you speak to her. Explain how you made it as clear as possible you needed a 1 year commitment. By going back on the agreement she’s put you in a difficult situation as you will have missed out on other childcare options. You’re now in the position of having to scramble around trying to find something else at short notice.

I wouldn’t expect her to change her mind at this point - it could well just be an excuse as she’s not keen on doing it any more. But I wouldn’t be pretending to be happy about it. She is the one who’s made the poor decisions here I think.

Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 10:00

saraclara · 10/10/2022 09:48

Also I am not sure I would take a promotion at the cost of leaving my friend in the shit,

Even if the job you were doing for your friend was only for two hours a week, as in this case?

As I said in the original response, it's not a good analogy. She isn't having to turn down a promotion. She has just decided because her business is now more busy she doesn't have time for DD pickup anymore. It's not one or the other, she could do both, but choses not to. That's her choice. But it was not entirely unpredictable that she might have more work come in (think custom goods artist/ seller making something hand made), which is why I checked quite a few times that she definitely wanted to do this and could commit to it.

But also yes, I stand by my statement that my friends are more important to me than a promotion. Is that really so odd? And if I really did need to take the promotion I would do my absolute best to help my friend out of the situation I put them in, and I would have the courtesy to apologize.

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 10/10/2022 10:09

Yes, it's odd to expect friends to turn down a promotion, especially in this economy. She gave you notice without having a contract.

Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 10:10

Blowthemandown · 10/10/2022 09:25

@LovingLifesHurdles I think I’d ask if she can continue a bit longer while you sort an alternative. At that point explain you had thought you had a commitment and you had given her plenty of options to say no and you now wish she had said no to begin with. See how she responds and take it from there. Otherwise things will just fester.

Yes maybe you are right. Especially as it's going to be hard to avoid her where I live. Our friendship circles overlap and we do end up at a lot of social events. But I am not sure what exactly I can say as loads of people seem to think 3 weeks notice over text is perfectly reasonable in this situation. I definitely wish she had said no!

But I don't think I will ask her to extend, I don't want her dropping out last minute.

OP posts:
Darkplaces · 10/10/2022 10:13

You are allowed to feel let down and disappointed.
But at the same time, your friend didn't do anything wrong.
Do you often find that friends don't live up to your expectations?

NotLactoseFree · 10/10/2022 10:17

I don't really understand. It's a professional relationship - anyone can cancel a professional relationship, with notice, at any time. Which she has done. I do completely understand why you are frustrated and upset, but she isn't doing anything wrong. She has the right to find work that pays more, as long as she doesn't screw you.

Original poster
LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 10:20

Darkplaces · 10/10/2022 10:13

You are allowed to feel let down and disappointed.
But at the same time, your friend didn't do anything wrong.
Do you often find that friends don't live up to your expectations?

No I really don't. That's why I am struggling so much. I have picked up friends from all walks of life and have had no issues maintaining friendships over 20 years.

Actually you really have a point. As a rule I try to set expectations low and where possible focus on weathering the storms together. My only expectation is treating friends with kindness.

But I do have high expectations of people I do business with. Actually this has really clarified where I've gone wrong with this mentally, thank you. I expected a business interaction with a friend, but instead my friend seems to have approached this more as a side hussle that suited her at the time but no longer does. Fair enough, still disappointed though.

OP posts:
pantsville · 10/10/2022 10:27

Friend has the right to end the arrangement. OP has the right to be frustrated by the situation she’s now in as a result and hurt by lack of apology. Both of these things can be true at the same time.

The fact you will have to continue to see each other socially will make it more awkward if you don’t talk about it. I find the lack of apology probably the worst part. Oblivious to how much it’s impacting you? Trying to be blasé about it in the hopes you will be too?