Frustrated and let down by my friend

[LovingLifesHurdles]

Please help me get my hormonal, pregnant emotions in check!

My friend, who used to be a nanny, now runs her own business doing a number of other things. I love that she has found her passion & have supported her emotionally and practically.

I work and need someone to pick up my DD from nursery a couple times a week and bring her home. My friend lives a short walk to me & the nursery. I asked my friend months in advance and made it clear I was looking for a professional commitment for 1 school year. I was clear that if she didn't have the time it was absolutely ok, I would find another alternative. She is more expensive than a childminder, but I was happy to pay. She agreed, seemed keen.

A month in, all seemingly going great. DD happy to be with my friend, friend seems happy too, no behaviour issues, I am on time for handover, pay on time. Got a message out of the blue saying she no longer wants to carry on with our arrangement as she has offer of more work through her business and doesn't have time for DD anymore.

I'm so frustrated and angry. She's basically left me in the shit because she received a better offer. Sorting out new childcare at 3 weeks notice in the middle of term is a nightmare here. We don't live in a big place so options are super limited and everyone recommended is now busy. It would have been no issue when I initially started looking.

Aibu to feel that if you make a professional commitment, or a commitment to a friend you don't just walk away because you don't fancy it anymore?? I know I am probably being somewhat unreasonable but I just feel so let down! Childcare during covid has been such a nightmare and every time I finally start to think it's sorted I'm back to square 1. I have a really full on job and I can't keep dropping out due to childcare if I intend to keep my job!

Please help me give my head a wobble! Would you be ok with this and carry on with the friendship as before? What do I say to her when I see her next week?

If you’re now viewing this as a business transaction then usually a probationary period would apply where only one weeks notice is required for a childcare role.

You can’t have the best of both- a years commitment for a very part time and low paying role as she’s a friend to you, and then the disappointment that she’s let you down with “insufficient” notice that’s actually a lot longer than you’d ordinarily be entitled to.

I know sorting out childcare is an absolute nightmare- I’ve been there. But it’s just one of those things, and in the meantime both parents regardless of how high flying and important their day jobs are just have to suck it up, juggle like mad and find an alternative. Her life isn’t less important than yours because you’ve got a big career and she’s made the choice that suits her and her family best from a routine/financial point of view. I do think that in her shoes I would have apologised that the arrangement hadn’t worked out and shown a bit of empathy for your situation but I probably wouldn’t have actually acted differently with the 3 weeks notice.

This.

I think you're blurring lines. If it was a professional relationship 3 weeks notice after a month seems ok. I get it's frustrating and problematic for you but you can't expect her to put her work on hold for what sounds very short but intrusive hours.

The friend is not an indentured servant - they are entitled for whatever reason to end the arrangement. It may be for career reasons or even because she wants a snooze in front of Countdown at 3.30 instead of trudging to school and back.

I should think the reason why most people don’t choose to do paid school pick-ups (if they don’t have their own child) is because it’s a huge tie for little return. Perhaps the friend has realised that having to be available every single weekday at 3pm (racing back from somewhere, no holidays etc) is too much of an ask.

Even friends are allowed to back out of arrangements - I think asking her to commit to a whole year was way too ambitious. A term at a time, maybe, but the friend probably saw the whole year stretching before her and realised it’s an awful lot of afternoons buggered.

I voted YANBU just because 3 weeks isn't a lot of notice for someone to figure out childcare. She's not in the wrong for breaking your agreement completely, people can quit jobs for a better offer. But it's just not enough notice imo and she should know that as someone who has worked in childcare.

Just 2 afternoons a week, obviously just in term time and I made it clear if she has wanted time off it wouldn't have been an issue. And by the way, all the reasons you mentioned for not wanting to do it is why I repeatedly checked if she definitely wanted to.

Yes absolutely you are right on the idea that asking for the year was obviously too much, but I really wish she would have said so.

In future the idea of a term at a time seems more feasible, but honestly I don't know how you are supposed to stay that flexible regarding childcare. How do other working parents do it? How do you keep finding new childcare? How are young kids supposed to cope with having a new caregiver introduced every few weeks? My DD is pretty confident and friendly for her age but I can see it's not easy for her having to keep adjusting. I have utterly lost count of how many times in the last 2 years I have had to ask for flexibility from my manager (thank god she is so utterly lovely and understanding, but she can't keep covering for me forever). I honestly just thought I finally had it sorted for the year 😥

You've read my posts and come to the conclusion that I think I am more important than my friend? Or that my job is more important than hers? Wow that's really sad for me to hear.

Using your example of getting a year’s work contract - are you really saying if you were offered something better and more lucrative a few weeks in you wouldn’t take it? If that’s the case I think you’re in a minority.

If we are talking about my real job, yes absolutely I would not walk out after a few weeks with the excuse that I had a better offer - it's against my morals but if nothing else my professional reputation would be trashed. In the corporate world these kinds of things always come out and it never ends well.

Talking in this particular situation in my friends shoes I may have made the same decision (I don't know her finances, or how much better this may or may not be paid) but definitely not with such short notice and not handling it in the way she has. And I would certainly have expected her to be upset with me and done everything I could to fix the situation.

A little bit, yes- you seemed annoyed that she doesn’t want to carry on doing something she doesn’t want to and doesn’t suit her, as it’d be best for you if she does. To me that says you think your needs are more important than hers.
I know it’s frustrating but imo she’s done nothing wrong other than not showing that bit of empathy and acknowledging its a pain for you to find a new arrangement. Her actions are fine- she’s found a better way to make money for herself which she’s entitled to do.

Well then I think you are in a minority. I’d absolutely bail on a job for a better offer. Everyone is expendable to an employer so it’s foolish to have any loyalty to them imo. When friendship is involved it’s a bit more complicated as there is loyalty but from many people’s point of view here she did give you sufficient notice. And whatever other issues you might have with childcare aren’t her problem. It sounds like you expect her to bow under the pressure and expectations of a friendship without actually thinking about what’s best for her.

I'm the same OP. A commitment is a commitment. If she had come to you to talk it over and try and figure something out then I'm sure you'd feel differently. For example broached it and told you the situation, apologised for letting you down and ask if you can find someone else and agreed to remain in the position until you've got another person. But to just commit to a year and then drop out out of the blue is really awful and says a lot about her.

It's a bit different to people talking about fixed term contracts, in my experience when you get a fixed term contract the onus is on the employer to employ you for that time period but not necessarily on the employee to agree to stay for that long. Whereas here quite obviously you emphasised you would need her for a year!

Obviously it's a lesson learned to not mix friends and business, and to ensure you have a contract if this ever came up in the future. At least setting out a notice period so you're not stuck trying to find someone else at such short notice.

Totally understand why you're so unhappy and yes, it would affect the friendship if it were me.

You are being unreasonable. She is allowed to change her mind about what works for her, and additionally to earn more money doing something else! She is not obliged to continue in any shape or form, and I am surprised you are so annoyed. You have ages to source an alternative arrangement.

We are experiencing a crunch, of course she has to prioritise her bills.
Be gracious and accepting, and you can continue as before with a normal friendship.

This sums up how I am feeling really well, thank you.

But I accept this seems to be a minority approach and apparently people don't care about commitments to/ from friends or employers. I will have to reset my expectations a bit.

Yes business with friends/family is a disaster. One I will not be repeating.

I think as a friend, I would have expected a bit more than a message, at least a phone call. The fact that she hasn't called makes me think she just doesn't want to do it anymore and doesn't want to get into the details as to why.

Be gracious and accepting of a friend who can't be bothered to have a face to face conversation with me, nor apologise for leaving me in the shit 3 weeks into an agreement... Hmmm... Not sure on that one.

Yes she's entitled to do what she has done, absolutely. But you seem to think she is entitled to do it flippantly, without apology or acknowledgement and still walk away with a friendship as normal?

You can't have it both ways. Either both friends are kind and courteous of each other and eachother's needs & feelings, or it's not really a friendship in my opinion.

My issue in this is the statement "a commitment is a commitment" as if it's completely inescapable no matter what.

You knew your friend was starting a new business, so there had to be an expectation/hope that that business would do well and work might increase? That being the case, and this being a 'business arrangement', to say you feel "let down" is, in my opinion, unreasonable.

3 weeks notice is not a dreadful amount of notice for a business, even a childcare one. As she's a friend I might approach her and negotiate that, but then she would be doing you a favour. So if you need more time, talk to your friend, but don't say nonsense to her like "when I make a commitment I stick to it" cos that's just stuff people say to guilt others into doing what they want.

I just think your logic on whether this is business or friendship is overlapping and muddling the situation a lot.

She isn't being flakey or a mega-twonk. It's just inconvenient to have to re-sort something you thought was sorted. I'd calibrate my reaction a bit.

I think this. Why on earth would anyone pass on a business opportunity? People resign all the time in pursuit of something better, you had a business arrangement with her and she is treating it as such.

Ok I am getting the message loud and clear that my expectations were too high, and that people generally don't take a commitment like this seriously/ shouldn't be expected to stick to it.

I think I will stick with my original plan of saying as close to nothing on this topic as possible to my friend. From a friendship perspective I think I will back off a bit as clearly we have different expectations and views on how to do life. Nothing wrong with that, live & let live.

Bit of a side point but previous posters keep asking why should the op’s friend ‘pass up an opportunity/better offer/promotion’ in order to look after op’s dd - but that’s not really what’s happened is it?

From op’s posts I get the impression that the friend’s business is craft/artisan/making bespoke items for people and has had an increase in orders so is a bit more busy (probably as we’re now heading into the Christmas gift season - which you’d have thought the friend would have foreseen, esp as op specifically asked if it would be manageable).

Friend has now said she can’t look after DD any more as it doesn’t work for her. She’s entitled to change her mind (I personally think she is very U for telling you by text and not apologising) but let’s not pretend OP was expecting friend to miss out in some massive life-changing promotion or business opportunity.

What I would be most bothered about, and what yanbu to be annoyed at, is the relatively blase attitude your friend has delivered the news to you.

Putting it in a message (presumably text?) with 3 weeks to go is pretty poor, and a phone call, explaining her situation, etc, or telling you face to face might have been more appropriate. She has put it across like it isn't a big deal to her, but a cancelled arrangement which leaves a friend with 3 weeks to find new child care does merit a bit more than a casual message.

If her situation has changed that she has to cancel as it'd put her at a disadvantage if she kept the arrangement, then I wouldn't be overly angry at her about that, as annoying as it is, if she had only made more of an effort to explain, and show that she acknowledges that this has thrown you a bit of a curveball with child care, I am sure you'd understand in the long run. I am guessing if it was a client she didn't know personally, she might have been more professional about it? She has done it like this because she thinks as you are friends, it is ok.

Yes absolutely this. Also a few people have kept mentioning it's a new business - it's not. It's been going for 10+ years and she always has 'side projects ' on the go including childminding / other and hoc work.

Nothing has changed in her circumstances that would not have been expected 3 weeks ago, the ebb and flow of the business is well established.

I think that's really rubbish of your friend. Especially seeing as you made it clear you needed a full school year. I think I'd back away from the friendship after this.

In your shoes I’d feel let down by my friend to OP. The fact you asked her more than once if she’s was sure she could commit plus her cancelling the arrangement by text would make me fume. I’d take a massive step back from the friendship. While others are technically right she can cancel I wouldn’t consider anyone a friend who didn’t at least see me in person to apologise for letting me down it’s basic manners.

YANBU to feel let down and she is NBU to want to grow her business and earn more money. At the end of the day her business is her bread and butter long term and she has to take the opportunities as they come because you snooze and you lose. Things happen and although she was sure she could do it for the year, opportunity came knocking which meant it would be more lucrative and expand her business growth to stop minding your child and take on more work instead. 3 weeks is fair enough notice for any job. She is obviously going to be bringing in more money without taking your daughter than with taking her. In the current climate that is not to be sniffed at.

It doesn't mean you cannot be annoyed about it but finishing a friendship because she is putting herself and her family first while you are trying to do the same is not fair but ultimately down to you and what you decide to do.

Unfortunately self employed people do see things slightly differently.

My DH has been let down twice massively by self employed mates - first one he'd bought flights to visit having checked that the dates suited friend then gets an offer of a couple of days work so ditched him and in the second instance we had traveled all the way to blinking NZ and DH got ditched the evening before a days fishing as the friend got a last minute job in.

I totally get that they need to manage their own income, but if this was going to be a concern she shouldn't have taken the job on, to leave you midway through term is bad and I couldn't forgive her.