Frustrated and let down by my friend

[LovingLifesHurdles]

Please help me get my hormonal, pregnant emotions in check!

My friend, who used to be a nanny, now runs her own business doing a number of other things. I love that she has found her passion & have supported her emotionally and practically.

I work and need someone to pick up my DD from nursery a couple times a week and bring her home. My friend lives a short walk to me & the nursery. I asked my friend months in advance and made it clear I was looking for a professional commitment for 1 school year. I was clear that if she didn't have the time it was absolutely ok, I would find another alternative. She is more expensive than a childminder, but I was happy to pay. She agreed, seemed keen.

A month in, all seemingly going great. DD happy to be with my friend, friend seems happy too, no behaviour issues, I am on time for handover, pay on time. Got a message out of the blue saying she no longer wants to carry on with our arrangement as she has offer of more work through her business and doesn't have time for DD anymore.

I'm so frustrated and angry. She's basically left me in the shit because she received a better offer. Sorting out new childcare at 3 weeks notice in the middle of term is a nightmare here. We don't live in a big place so options are super limited and everyone recommended is now busy. It would have been no issue when I initially started looking.

Aibu to feel that if you make a professional commitment, or a commitment to a friend you don't just walk away because you don't fancy it anymore?? I know I am probably being somewhat unreasonable but I just feel so let down! Childcare during covid has been such a nightmare and every time I finally start to think it's sorted I'm back to square 1. I have a really full on job and I can't keep dropping out due to childcare if I intend to keep my job!

Please help me give my head a wobble! Would you be ok with this and carry on with the friendship as before? What do I say to her when I see her next week?

if you make a professional commitment, or a commitment to a friend you don't just walk away because you don't fancy it anymore??

I think four weeks' notice would have been all you could expect from a nanny and you are being unreasonable really. You are asking for a friend to feel obligated for a whole year, no one should be asked for that IMO. Your friend hasn't walked away because they 'don't fancy it anymore' they've got an opportunity to develop their main job in their own business.

You blurred the boundaries between friendship and business. You can't seriously ask your friend to put their business on hold for a year for this casual contract with you. If I were you I'd try to accept this graciously and learn from the experience.

YABU. She’s done nothing wrong. She’s given you notice in favour of a presumably more lucrative business offer which any sensible self employed person would do.

YABU. She’s had a better offer and given notice. Are you saying you’ve never left a job for a better offer and given your notice? Unlikely

Thank you all for your comments. I am going to think about this more and try and give myself some more time before I react to my friend.

Those suggesting I blurred the lines are right I think. I just don't know how to sort my thinking out.

Those who wonder if I held my friend to a higher standard than a childminder - yes I did! Is that wrong to assume friends would treat you better than strangers?

For those saying I shouldn't expect her to turn down work - it's a tricky one to explain without being outing but she wouldn't actually have to turn any down. She has just decided that with the additional work she is now too busy. Of course it's within her rights to do so, I just feel very let down. We are talking a couple of hours a week which aren't at a time she has business commitments.

I think what it comes down to for me is that I repeatedly asked her if she was able to commit to this. Her answer should have been - yes but only if my main business doesn't pick up. I would have expected this level of honestly from my friend. Then I would have made a different decision myself.

But yes, I was naive, yes definitely lesson learnt (again!) not to mix business with friends/ family.

I'm sorry but I think you've effectively asked for an 8/9 month notice period and that's very unrealistic.

After school provision is so tough to find. You have my sympathy.

I don’t think your friend is BU though. People’s livelihoods are more important than friendships. She should not feel obliged to carry on with an arrangement that doesn’t work for her just because it’s for a friend.

Time will tell what happens to the friendship.

YABU. The commitment was made when it worked for her. Now it no longer works for her and she's given you plenty of notice. Of course you're not being unreasonable to be disappointed but I wouldn't be cross at my friend.

Why should she pass up work in the short term just in case she gets busier in the long term?- no one operates like that- we have to live in our current circumstances which is all she’s done. You’ve expected far more from her than you’re entitled to- as a friend or an employer.

An expectation of honestly around her commitment levels is more than I am entitled to as a friend or employer? Is that really the case?

And I would have expected a face to face conversation, rather than an FYI text on a Sunday night. And an 'I'm sorry for dropping out so soon / dropping you in it ' wouldn't have hurt ...

Nowhere have I said I expected her to sit out the year. But I would have expected a longer notice, especially as it isn't directly impacting her business.

What does your contract with her say re notice?

OP you say "with the additional work she will be too busy" and "a couple of hours a week when she isn't busy" - how do you know? You don't know when she will be busy or not; she is self employed so works the hours she chooses. For example, its 8am and I'm about to do invoicing for my business in a minute. Sometimes, I work at 2am because I have been doing other things during work hours. When self employed that's how it is - you don't get to dictate about her working hours. It doesn't matter if YOU feel the school run won't interfere with her work (even a couple of hours a week) - yet you yourself can't do it because of your job - this is a double standard and really bloody entitled.

Does the new work pay more than you are paying or less?

Also - just because she didn't word it with "yes but only if my business doesn't pick up" doesn't mean she was being dishonest. Isn't that a given?? Even if she didn't want to do it just because she didn't doesn't matter. She gave you notice.

Move forward with your actual problem of finding a replacement.

Probably simplistic but maybe she just had a change of heart and got tired of nannying. May e she didn't really want to do it anyway but didn't know how to tell you?

3 weeks is plenty of notice? I'm sorry I can't accept that statement. 1 month into the first term is literally the worst time to be looking for after school childcare. I think even in a big city you would struggle!

And yes that is not her problem, but I don't think anyone could say that 3 weeks is 'plenty' of notice.

I think this comment is really unfair. I don't dictate her hours. But I am stating fact that her commited hours that she must do for her business are at other times. I know because we talk about her business a lot and have I supported her.

Also I never said it wouldn't interfere with her work, I said it wouldn't directly impact her core business times (otherwise I would never have asked).

I don't think it's entitled to expect someone who runs a business and does various 'side hussles' to be clear about whether they can commit to something, and that if they do change their mind that they should give reasonable notice.

It sounds like you have treated this as a business transaction. But now that she has treated it like business, you expect her to act like a friend. Which one do you really want?

Hard to know, I asked her what her hourly rate was and I pay it.

I reckon she just couldn't be bothered to do it. Term has just begun and she can't be bothered.

But What does your contract with her say about notice?

Yes I understand that I am blurring the lines but I'm really struggling to sort through my thoughts on this.

I treated it as a business transaction - in what way? As in I didn't ask for it as a favour and made sure I paid her a decent rate? I would have thought that would have been a good thing? That I made sure to ask a few times if it definitely did work for her?

I actually would have expected a professional response back (I think). Dropping out of a work commitment less than a month in, at short notice is poor business behaviour I think. I wouldn't get away with dropping out of a project at work a few weeks into a 1 year project because it didn't work for me anymore. It is unprofessional I think. But people seem to disagree.

From a friend perspective all I expected would have been an honest conversation up front about not being able to commit, probably to be told in person and perhaps some sort of apology for not honouring a commitment.

We didn't make a contract. We didn't agree a notice period even in conversation.

This means she is well within her 'rights' to have acted how she has.

I have a suspicion you might be right, but I am choosing to ignore it because that would make me entirely reconsider my friendship.

Then that's you treating her as a friend and not a business arrangement.

Sorry.