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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD and being in car with 17yr who's just passed test

111 replies

Godsavetheking2022 · 09/10/2022 17:33

My DD is 16 in y11 and is getting friendly on social media with a boy who passed his test a few weeks ago. He goes to the same school so she knows him to message but not that well in real life yet.

He wants to pick her up to go for a drive locally, I suppose to get to know each other. I understand this but as parents, we are nervous about her being in a car with someone who she barely knows and has only just passed his test. We would like her to introduce him first but obviously to a 16 yr old this is way too cringeworthy.
We are at stalemate at the moment but are not sure if we are being unreasonable and overprotective. I've offered to take her to a mutual place to get food but apparently they want to keep it low key to avoid gossip.

What would you do? Allow the drive to a local walk with a 17yr you don't know but goes to the same school? We are worried he won't be road savvy enough.

Yanbu-say no
Yabu - you should let her go

OP posts:
primeoflife · 09/10/2022 17:34

I don't know the answer but know I am dreading this! I would want to say no.

Gooseberrypies · 09/10/2022 17:35

He passed his test, he’s been checked, confirmed as safe to drive and is allowed to drive with passengers just as much as any other driver. She’s 16, it’s not up to you and you should mind your own business.

Sunnyqueen · 09/10/2022 17:35

I was here, there and everywhere at that age, being in the car with mates who had just passed their test its part of the fun of being a teenager. You sound as though you keep very close tabs on her.

JuneOsborne · 09/10/2022 17:36

I remember my mom allowing this. Like she was totally cool. When I got in the car, she raced out of the house, up to the driver's side window and told the lad that if you drink drive my daughter, driver her like an idiot or do anything stupid in this car with her in it, she'd have him.

I mean, it worked. The lad drive like he had a newborn baby in the car the whole night. Although, I did have to laugh. He was Muslim. No drink driving was gonna be happening no matter what she said!

PloddyPop · 09/10/2022 17:37

I think you're more savvy just passing your test , it's bloody horrible but you have to let it go
The worst part of parenting IMHO

HighlandPony · 09/10/2022 17:37

At sixteen I’d stay out of it. She can make her own decisions

Littlemissprosecco · 09/10/2022 17:37

No, we had a rule, no one in your car, or you in someone’s car for a year after passing the test!
Harsh but safe!

Stopthebusplease · 09/10/2022 17:38

I understand your worries, but as a previous poster said, he's passed his test and so is officially allowed to drive and considered to be safe on the road. I think I would ask your daughter if it is only going to be the two of them, as he's less likely to show off if it's just your daughter with him, than if, for example, other friends are in the car.

SunshineClouds1 · 09/10/2022 17:40

Sunnyqueen · 09/10/2022 17:35

I was here, there and everywhere at that age, being in the car with mates who had just passed their test its part of the fun of being a teenager. You sound as though you keep very close tabs on her.

Same for me

40sNonBlondes · 09/10/2022 17:41

with the stats on young male drivers - 1 in 3 write off a vehicle in their first year - it has to be a year for both of my teens

titchy · 09/10/2022 17:41

I'd be slightly more worried about them driving somewhere remote and 'parking up' to be honest.

Parmesam · 09/10/2022 17:41

Back in the mid-1990s my friend passed her test and she was driving me around within a couple of weeks. My mum didn't say anything. But I appreciate that times change and if my daughter was in a similar position I'd be wary too.

LookingAtYou · 09/10/2022 17:43

Absolutely not. They should meet up first, get to know each other face to face. If she feels he's sensible then they go for a drive later when he's a bit more experienced at driving.

Teens don't gossip about other kids meeting up at takeaways either.

Oysterbabe · 09/10/2022 17:44

This is honestly going to be my worst nightmare. At my 6th form 3 boys died in car crashes within months of eachother shortly after passing their tests. It's a phase all parents have to go with but I would be on the pins the entire time she was out.

outtheshowernow · 09/10/2022 17:46

Gooseberrypies · 09/10/2022 17:35

He passed his test, he’s been checked, confirmed as safe to drive and is allowed to drive with passengers just as much as any other driver. She’s 16, it’s not up to you and you should mind your own business.

That's really rude. Have you ever had a 16 year old girl I doubt it

MarieG10 · 09/10/2022 17:46

We had a rule that when they passed their test, they were not allowed to transport friends until they had gained experience and we were confident they wouldn't do daft things. Equally, they were not allowed in friends cars until we agreed. I would definitely say no. Young (particularly male) drivers tend to like to show off, hence why they are many times more risky at killing and seriously injuring other road users

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 09/10/2022 17:46

The general dating safety advice for grown women is to get your own way to/from a date until you get to know someone. That's before you throw in the extra risk of young inexperienced drivers!

mountainsunsets · 09/10/2022 17:47

I don't see how you can stop it.

I didn't drive until my twenties but lots of my friends drove and I was forever getting lifts with them/their older siblings.

40sNonBlondes · 09/10/2022 17:47

LookingAtYou · 09/10/2022 17:43

Absolutely not. They should meet up first, get to know each other face to face. If she feels he's sensible then they go for a drive later when he's a bit more experienced at driving.

Teens don't gossip about other kids meeting up at takeaways either.

Really good point!! How many dating threads advise grown women not to get in the car of a man until you know him better?!

MrsMorton · 09/10/2022 17:48

OP, YANBU.

Yes you could be a "cool mum" but the statistics here

www.brake.org.uk/get-involved/take-action/mybrake/knowledge-centre/young-drivers

Make you cooler. Not to mention her being "captive" in a car of someone she's never met.

I have a friend who has been in a wheelchair since she was 16 because of precisely this. Don't cave to peer pressure. Your dd is still a child.

Hawkins001 · 09/10/2022 17:48

Godsavetheking2022 · 09/10/2022 17:33

My DD is 16 in y11 and is getting friendly on social media with a boy who passed his test a few weeks ago. He goes to the same school so she knows him to message but not that well in real life yet.

He wants to pick her up to go for a drive locally, I suppose to get to know each other. I understand this but as parents, we are nervous about her being in a car with someone who she barely knows and has only just passed his test. We would like her to introduce him first but obviously to a 16 yr old this is way too cringeworthy.
We are at stalemate at the moment but are not sure if we are being unreasonable and overprotective. I've offered to take her to a mutual place to get food but apparently they want to keep it low key to avoid gossip.

What would you do? Allow the drive to a local walk with a 17yr you don't know but goes to the same school? We are worried he won't be road savvy enough.

Yanbu-say no
Yabu - you should let her go

@Godsavetheking2022
Obviously all the best and positivity op.

That said "road savvy enough"
I've seen drivers nearly kill or crash into me, and they appear to be of an age where they would of been driving year's.

Age, and experience, does not automatically equal good driving skills.

Gooseberrypies · 09/10/2022 17:52

outtheshowernow · 09/10/2022 17:46

That's really rude. Have you ever had a 16 year old girl I doubt it

Show quote history

Which part was rude? I just didn’t sugarcoat. No, I have a son, but I’ve BEEN a 16 year old girl - and I’m willing to bet it was a lot more recently than you have - and I honestly would’ve been so embarrassed if my parents had acted like this or to be honest even known anything about anyone I was ‘speaking’ to.

Georgeskitchen · 09/10/2022 17:52

Littlemissprosecco · 09/10/2022 17:37

No, we had a rule, no one in your car, or you in someone’s car for a year after passing the test!
Harsh but safe!

Sensible way to handle it. I would do the same. Teenage boys and cars= well we know what can and does happen. Stick to your guns

ShoeTheDoor · 09/10/2022 17:52

Due to Ds doing driving lessons and passing his test (although he is 19 not 17) we watched a lot of YouTube mock test videos. So for all the people saying they have been judged safe to drive you might want to watch some mock tests that are taken on the day of the test where they fail for a serious fault. Clearview driving has one titled "Driving lesson before his TEST | Didn't see the BUS!" which went down as a dangerous, not serious fault. Judging by the dash cam videos submitted to YouTube experienced drivers mess up all the time. I agree you are right to be worried about this. They are judged on a 40 minute drive.

I think it would be more reassuring if they had a black box fitted in their car. Is your DD one to speak up if she felt unsafe? She is putting herself in a place she cannot walk away from. They would be better meeting up somewhere more public but somewhere away from where they live if they want to avoid being seen.

Cw112 · 09/10/2022 17:56

The driving would probably be less of an issue for me compared to the being completely alone and the fact he could take her anywhere. I would probably have a chat with her about being safe without scaring her and see if she would agree to meeting initially somewhere public. I'd even offer for him to come to your house and you make yourself scarce but at least you're around if she needs you.

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