DD and being in car with 17yr who's just passed test
Godsavetheking2022 · 09/10/2022 17:33
My DD is 16 in y11 and is getting friendly on social media with a boy who passed his test a few weeks ago. He goes to the same school so she knows him to message but not that well in real life yet.
He wants to pick her up to go for a drive locally, I suppose to get to know each other. I understand this but as parents, we are nervous about her being in a car with someone who she barely knows and has only just passed his test. We would like her to introduce him first but obviously to a 16 yr old this is way too cringeworthy.
We are at stalemate at the moment but are not sure if we are being unreasonable and overprotective. I've offered to take her to a mutual place to get food but apparently they want to keep it low key to avoid gossip.
What would you do? Allow the drive to a local walk with a 17yr you don't know but goes to the same school? We are worried he won't be road savvy enough.
Yabu - you should let her go
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
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Remainiac · 09/10/2022 18:31
My friend at school was killed in a car driven by her boyfriend. They were both 17. He survived, she died at the scene.
Didn’t a former very senior policeman (chief constable of somewhere, can’t remember where) say that he would prefer his daughter to walk home unaccompanied at 3am than get in a car driven by a teenage boy?
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 09/10/2022 18:33
elephantseal · 09/10/2022 18:30
@AllThingsServeTheBeam - I am raising my kids just as my parents raised me
Hmm. There are a lot more cars around now than there used to be. They are faster and more powerful.
Do you just follow your parents' example or do you think for yourself too?
I am aware of that. And kids nowadays seem 100 times more sensible than they did when I was 16.
I meant in the raising comment about how, once they turn a certain age you cannot expect to control their lives. And if you try, your kid is probably not going to be very honest with you. And you are very naive to think otherwise.
FourChimneys · 09/10/2022 18:39
It would be a no from me but DD wouldn't have agreed to it either.
My neighbour's son, a very sensible lad normally, passed his test one day. The next day he was driving a friend to the sports centre, wrote off his father's car, the car he hit, and both he and his friend spent a few days in hospital. The other driver was not badly hurt fortunately.
elephantseal · 09/10/2022 18:42
@AllThingsServeTheBeam - I meant in the raising comment about how, once they turn a certain age you cannot expect to control their lives. And if you try, your kid is probably not going to be very honest with you. And you are very naive to think otherwise.
But at only 16, OP's dd could either be very confident or a young 16.
I'm not talking about controlling their lives; I'd much rather tell dd about the dangers of getting in a car with a boy she doesn't know than not say anything and end up with her dead.
We do know more than our dc about safety, life, etc., even if they don't think it!!
DawkinsOldSpot · 09/10/2022 18:45
tbh it’s great that she feels comfortable enough about this stuff to discuss it with you and that she’s being honest, at this age I used to just outright lie to my parents about boys I was seeing etc. I’d let her go with him on a drive he’s been deemed safe enough to pass a test and at some point her friends will start passing too and you’ll be in this situation in a year anyway
Honeysuckle16 · 09/10/2022 18:54
We used to live in the countryside where almost all the kids passed their test asap and had access to a car. Most of them were good drivers but there were a few who were reckless and there was one serious accident and a fatality in the space of a couple of years.
We taught our daughter to get out of a car if she felt unsafe and other kids did the same. She was 17/18 so old enough to judge what was going on.
For this first lift she’s getting, you might be able to control the situation but you won’t be able to do that for long. Other friends, girls as well, will offer lifts, often at short notice. For example, in 6th year, when they had a free period, several of our DD’s friends would drive for breakfast to the nearest McD. I didn’t know this was happening till about 3 months later.
Accepting a lift is part of the risk assessment kids need to doing when they’re out with friends. Teach your DD how to extricate herself when she feels uncomfortable. A life lesson.
PBSam · 09/10/2022 18:56
I have, it's still pathetic.
FumingSeethingAndSpittingOutMyCoffee · 09/10/2022 18:59
gluteustothemaximus · 09/10/2022 19:02
Literally just last week here, 15 year old girl from DD's school is in intensive care. 17 year old boyfriend driver few cuts and bruises.
Have also been the girl in that car as a teenager and we were very close to a serious car crash (several times).
Mylittlesandwich · 09/10/2022 19:07
I'd say no, as a teen I was given lifts by young guys a few times and there was a lot of risky driving. I saw one of them reach 120 on the motorway. Luckily we were all safe.
I passed my test at 26 and in a year was driving around newborn DS but I wasn't a 17 year old boy. Their brains are less mature and they are more likely to take risks.
L1ttledrummergirl · 09/10/2022 19:19
Dd drove her female friends (with me in the passenger seat) on her L plates before passing her test. There was no giggly excitement it was just getting from a to b with me taking the car home. By the time she passed her test, driving with her friends in the car was normal.
She does an activity outside of school with mainly males. The first time she drove with them they were not so well behaved, trying to encourage her to drive faster and take risks. Fortunately she is assertive and had no issues with telling them to behave or walk and so that behaviour stopped.
I would be more concerned that your dd doesn't know the boy very well and makes safe decisions around how she dates rather than worrying about the competency of someone who has been judged as safe to drive.
BlessedMess · 09/10/2022 19:28
When I was that age and getting lifts with guys who’d only just passed their tests, I got some good advice if I was ever in a car being driven badly by a new driver. First off, they said just ask the driver to stop and get out - your parents would rather pick you up from wherever than have you in a car being driven dangerously, have you end up in hospital or worse. Fair enough, but a bit more usefully should you end up in that situation - maybe there’s a group of you, maybe you didn’t realise but s/he’s actually drunk or just refuses to stop - say you’re going to be sick. They’ll be proud of their car and won’t want someone barffing all over it and are much more likely to stop.
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