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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent my husband

116 replies

winningeasy · 09/10/2022 15:37

Not really sure what I am trying to get out of this post but here it goes.

I am a SATM with an 11 month year and also currently trying to conceive second child, we really struggled to conceive our daughter but after a big health kick it happened, and she’s amazing.

My partner works away half of the week. I do get support, we have a part time nanny who comes 10 hours a week, and we have a cleaner who comes 3 hours a week. We have no family around at all, and I don’t have loads of friends as we’ve moved here recently. We’re also a little bit further out so I have to drive everywhere (I only passed my test less than a year ago so I am not a confident driver), but we’re in process of buying a house closer to the town.

My husband has ASD and/or ADHD, he is currently going through diagnosis, he is an amazing kind person and it’s never held him back in his career, he has done well. He is a bit of a workaholic, but he has to be really because we’re trying to get together a lot of cash for the new house.

Because he’s away Tuesday-Thursday and works a lot, and, I guess, because he pays for us to have support, he doesn’t do anything around the house apart from the odd bathtime. I am also super fussy about how I like things done, probably borderline ocd, so it’s partly my fault for being ‘well might as well do it myself’. He works from home a lot, so it’s another person to feed, and plus I am trying to be super healthy as ttc, and I feel healthy food takes longer to cook. He is messy, he doesn’t appreciate having a clean house (it’s a big issue for me if stuff is messy I cannot relax). At weekends we normally do something together as a family, and he does a bit more with the baby, he does play with her but often I come down and he’s watching sport or the news whilst the baby is playing (it’s fine sometimes). Where as if I have the baby by myself I’ll put music on, play with her and if I need to do stuff (cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin) I’ll pop on something she likes, or go back and forth between her. He just doesn’t seem to be able to multi task with a baby. He also very rarely takes her anywhere without me, he would have no clue what to pack for her, he said he struggles to come up with ideas. Any spare time he uses to play computer games, instead of offering to do household stuff, however I do get he needs to decompress from work.

I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I have had covid for last 2-3 weeks, I’m exhausted. I feel like do not stop.

I am just starting to resent my partner, especially when he gets a couple of nights a week (sometimes longer) away from home, goes for nice meals, meets up with friends etc. He’s going through a lot at work and I do need to him to focus on that, but I also do need a bit of care and nurturing myself. I have told him many times that this is what I need, and given him examples of nice things to do but it never happens. I am dealing with a lot of trauma from childhood and issues with my family, and I don’t a relationship with either parent.

We have time to ourself, have been on date nights and stuff which has been lovely. We haven’t been on a proper holiday of more than a few days for a long, long time. We got married recently and didn’t have a honeymoon.

Today he’s said I am really passag with how I am talking to him, and I know he is right. I just don’t really know what I need or how to advocate for myself. We did agree today that I could sleep in spare room on Friday’s and get a lie in on Saturday morning.

Beyond this I am so incredibly broody!! Finding the time and energy for sex is challenging.

I feel really bad posting this because I do get some paid support, and I only have one child. I know things could be a lot harder so sorry if I come across as spoilt 😞

OP posts:

Afterfire · 09/10/2022 16:07

Goodness me if you feel like this with one child don’t have another!

Snoken · 09/10/2022 16:13

You sound bored. Maybe being a SAHM is not the right path for you, why don’t you get a job instead and your life might feel more interesting and fulfilling. You will get to know people too. Maybe get your child into a local nursery, you can still have a nanny for a couple of the days a week and a cleaner.

SparklyLeprechaun · 09/10/2022 16:14

The thing is, with a (seemingly very active) SAHP, a weekly cleaner and part-time nanny and only one baby there really shouldn't be much household stuff to be done in the evenings/weekends. So I've got a feeling that it is your obsession with tidiness that is the issue, more than your husband not doing enough. You need to accept that other people don't have to live up to your standards.

With this amount of help you should also be able to carve some time for yourself (what do you do when you've got the nanny there?)

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 09/10/2022 16:15

Please don't bring another child into this.

1FootInTheRave · 09/10/2022 16:19

Are you taking the piss?

DoubleGauze · 09/10/2022 16:19

I agree with pp. Don't have another child if you feel this way after one.

Also , in many ways you are very fortunate. You have a cleaner , at least an hour a day to do whatever you please , you have your own car , and you don't have to work. You sound incredibly difficult to please if you have an issue with your partner watching the baby while enjoying some leasure time. I'm sure you must do the same sometimes.

SafeMove · 09/10/2022 16:21

You sound really stressed and unhappy OP. Is it TTC causing it? Do you think your stress levels might come down a bit if you get pregnant or something deeper going on?

TeefAsseblief · 09/10/2022 16:23

Got to be a wind up thread.

BigChesterDraws · 09/10/2022 16:25

Having another child is the last thing you should be trying to do now.

Mistywindow · 09/10/2022 16:26

You’re a SAHM with a cleaner and a nanny. You are incredibly fortunate.

I think it’s the wanting things done a particular way that’s the issue here tbh. Perhaps you should get a job? That might give you more to think about, in a good way. You also sound bored.

NEmama · 09/10/2022 16:27

Cleaner and nanny and still stressed with 1. Don't have another at the moment

JeSuisFattyGay · 09/10/2022 16:27

OP, if I were working f/t and were paying for a p/t nanny, and a cleaner, and for 'childcare' (i.e. enabling my partner to be a SAHP), I would be doing absolutely no housework either. I would be pretty pissed off with my SAH partner expecting me to do it in that situation.

Rather than resenting your husband, you might try to turn it around. You say you don't have many friends as you've recently moved to the area; what are you doing to try to forge friendships? Are you taking your DD to toddler groups etc? I couldn't think of much worse when my DC were that age, but made the effort (for their benefit) and accidentally met some of the best friends I've ever had in the process. You say you're not a confident driver; well, get driving! You must be reasonably competent if you passed your test; rather than just saying you can't do it, go ahead and do it. Just go on short journeys at first, then build up your confidence gradually. Nobody's asking you to drive 200 miles on a motorway.

You say that you "need a bit of care and nurturing" yourself. What would make you feel cared for and nurtured? If you have a nanny for 10 hours per week, why can't you spend some of that time doing whatever it is that would make you feel good? Go for a walk, sit in a coffee shop, go to the gym, go for a bike ride, have your nails done, go on Mumsnet - I don't know what you like doing, but whatever it is, you should do it. I'd also be a bit pissed off if I were your husband and were paying for you to have a break, but you were still making passive aggressive comments about having no time for yourself or moaning about not having been on holiday for ages.

In short - and I mean this kindly - you have paid help with your DD and with the cleaning, and you need to give yourself a big kick up the bottom and actually start doing things and meeting people.

AriettyHomily · 09/10/2022 16:28

All about you! Don't have another child.

musingsinmidlife · 09/10/2022 16:33

If he has to be a workaholic to pay for all your expenses and a new house, then you should also do your part as a workaholic at home.

Rather than competing and being resentful - both of you appreciate how hard life is right now. You can then either choose to do something about it (maybe he works less and it takes a couple extra years to afford a house or you go back to work so the financial burden on him is shared) etc. Or you accept that both of you are putting in long hours but that you both do have times to decompress already built in.

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 16:36

This doesn’t feel right, he’s paying for a cleaner three hours a week and a nanny ten hours a week and is working all the hours to try to get a new house so you can be closer to town?

that poor guy. And you feel like you never stop? And are horrible to him and he needs to give you a lie in?

😱

neverbeenskiing · 09/10/2022 16:37

If I worked full time, including traveling/overnights, and my DH was a SAHD with one child and we had a cleaner and a part-time nanny I wouldn't expect to do much around the house to be honest. How much can there be to do around the house if you have a weekly cleaner?

Most people find they have to lower their standards at least a bit when it comes to housework once they have a baby. But if DH is making a lot of mess and not tidying up after himself then you need to address that with him directly- if he has Autism he is unlikely to pick up on hints or passive aggressive comments, so you need to be very clear and direct.

Your DH should be engaging with your child when he's home, absolutely. But it is important you both get downtime too. But I would also point out that multi-tasking is a known issue for many people with Autism/ADHD so some of the behaviour you mention might not be through choice.

I'm afraid I agree with PP that given how stressed and unhappy you sound, in your shoes I would seriously re-consider TTC. Everyone's experience is different but I personally found going from 1 to 2 DC incredibly challenging and it definitely tested my relationship with DH at times (DC2 turned out to have SEN and didn't sleep) even though we are very happily married. If there had been any resentment bubbling under the surface I don't think the marriage would have survived.

INeverSawAPurpleCow · 09/10/2022 16:38

I think you're lonely and need the company of other adults.

Sunnyqueen · 09/10/2022 16:39

You've a nanny, a cleaner and a partner ffs. You know there are lots of women out there who are literally doing it all on their own with no help and no partner... If you are already resentful over this situation don't bring another baby in to it.

Hearthnhome · 09/10/2022 16:40

It's either a wind up or op really needs to look at what the real problem is, before you bring another child into this.

Like pp said I would not be the sole earner pay for a part time nanny and a cleaner for 3 hours a week while my other half was a sahp, then come home and do a load of housework myself. Then you say he is having a tough time and needs to concentrate on work, but still.moan he isn't doing enough.

Healthier food doesn't need to take longer, you are choosing that. The fact that other people can't meet your standards is, again, something you need to look at.

If you want him to take the child out, talk to him about that. But again you are saying that what he does with the baby isn't the same as you so isn't good enough.

You have 10 hours a week to do something g for yourself. Take some more driving lessons to build confidence. Do something.

At the moment this is all bit 'my diamond shoes are too tight, which means I can't function and everyone else is at fault'

Muddywaters1 · 09/10/2022 16:43

What are you doing with your childfree time at the moment?

With a cleaner doing your bathrooms/full hoover/kitchen etc every week your household chores surely can't take more than an hour or so a day (load of washing, wipe surfaces, quick sweep/mop/hoover, pick up toys)?

Definitely sounds like you need to get out and about with baby more, then it's ok to sit and chill with her, or just potter doing some jobs - they don't need entertained every minute of the day!

Oysterbabe · 09/10/2022 16:44

One 11 month old, a nanny, cleaner and no job? You have it easier than 99% of the population. Definitely don't have another.

Muddywaters1 · 09/10/2022 16:44

And if my hubby paid for a cleaner, 10 hours of childcare, and I didn't have to work - I'd be pretty fucking happy about it

WorkCleanRepeat · 09/10/2022 16:45

YABVU this has nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with you.

He is providing plenty of support to make yo for the fact he works away 4 days a week.

If you arent happy I think you need to look at the way you are spending your time and re-evaluate. I wouldn't suggest a second child right now. They are more mess, and more noise.

VioletInsolence · 09/10/2022 16:48

OP do you think you may also be neurodivergent? I say this because if I described my life on here and how much I struggle to care for two dogs, a small flat and a teenage son, people would also think I was joking. But I need my life to be ordered and I need a lot of rest….if I did what most other women did on here I wouldn’t survive.

I was also a SAHM when my kids were young and had a lot of help from my parents. My children are autistic/ADHD so that made life more difficult but I really struggled.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2022 16:48

Don't have another child.

I have had COVID for 2-3 weeks.

Really?

I am also super fussy about how I like things done I'm so not surprised he doesn't 'help' you then.

My sister is the same as you complains about having to do everything herself, but as soon as I try and help she keeps telling me how I'm doing it wrong.

You don't work and you have paid help. What on earth are you moaning about?

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