To resent my husband

[winningeasy]

Not really sure what I am trying to get out of this post but here it goes.

I am a SATM with an 11 month year and also currently trying to conceive second child, we really struggled to conceive our daughter but after a big health kick it happened, and she’s amazing.

My partner works away half of the week. I do get support, we have a part time nanny who comes 10 hours a week, and we have a cleaner who comes 3 hours a week. We have no family around at all, and I don’t have loads of friends as we’ve moved here recently. We’re also a little bit further out so I have to drive everywhere (I only passed my test less than a year ago so I am not a confident driver), but we’re in process of buying a house closer to the town.

My husband has ASD and/or ADHD, he is currently going through diagnosis, he is an amazing kind person and it’s never held him back in his career, he has done well. He is a bit of a workaholic, but he has to be really because we’re trying to get together a lot of cash for the new house.

Because he’s away Tuesday-Thursday and works a lot, and, I guess, because he pays for us to have support, he doesn’t do anything around the house apart from the odd bathtime. I am also super fussy about how I like things done, probably borderline ocd, so it’s partly my fault for being ‘well might as well do it myself’. He works from home a lot, so it’s another person to feed, and plus I am trying to be super healthy as ttc, and I feel healthy food takes longer to cook. He is messy, he doesn’t appreciate having a clean house (it’s a big issue for me if stuff is messy I cannot relax). At weekends we normally do something together as a family, and he does a bit more with the baby, he does play with her but often I come down and he’s watching sport or the news whilst the baby is playing (it’s fine sometimes). Where as if I have the baby by myself I’ll put music on, play with her and if I need to do stuff (cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin) I’ll pop on something she likes, or go back and forth between her. He just doesn’t seem to be able to multi task with a baby. He also very rarely takes her anywhere without me, he would have no clue what to pack for her, he said he struggles to come up with ideas. Any spare time he uses to play computer games, instead of offering to do household stuff, however I do get he needs to decompress from work.

I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I have had covid for last 2-3 weeks, I’m exhausted. I feel like do not stop.

I am just starting to resent my partner, especially when he gets a couple of nights a week (sometimes longer) away from home, goes for nice meals, meets up with friends etc. He’s going through a lot at work and I do need to him to focus on that, but I also do need a bit of care and nurturing myself. I have told him many times that this is what I need, and given him examples of nice things to do but it never happens. I am dealing with a lot of trauma from childhood and issues with my family, and I don’t a relationship with either parent.

We have time to ourself, have been on date nights and stuff which has been lovely. We haven’t been on a proper holiday of more than a few days for a long, long time. We got married recently and didn’t have a honeymoon.

Today he’s said I am really passag with how I am talking to him, and I know he is right. I just don’t really know what I need or how to advocate for myself. We did agree today that I could sleep in spare room on Friday’s and get a lie in on Saturday morning.

Beyond this I am so incredibly broody!! Finding the time and energy for sex is challenging.

I feel really bad posting this because I do get some paid support, and I only have one child. I know things could be a lot harder so sorry if I come across as spoilt 😞

@monsteramunch yes have recently started therapy again after my biological father was terrible at my wedding, that incident has triggered quite a few flashbacks, so am getting some help for that - it's been a hard few months and now illness - managed to get some naps today though so hopefully will feel better soon

Why do you have a nanny if you don't work. That's an extraordinary luxury. Great if you can afford it but you must realise its very unusual.

Plus why are you trying to bring another baby into a situation where you are not happy.

When my Ds was 10 months old my DH worked overseas for 3 months at a time- then home for 2 weeks and back. I also had a 3 year old and worked full time.

No nanny. No cleaner
Family member did emergency babysitting but nothing regular.

If you are so knackered there must be something else as what you have described sounds like a life of luxury to me.

Being a SAHM + having a nanny + having a cleaner + your baby sleeping through the night.

Gosh I'm doing this wrong.

Working (part time, from 3m), a 3 +5yo, neither of which sleep through, and my husband and I trying to keep the house vaguely sanitary.

Things like having PND obviously make it harder, but in many ways, you are loving the dream. If its hard now, then don't add another baby to the mix!

OP I hear you, but I really can't empasize enough what a game changer 2 babies is. I became pregnant when my youngest was 7 months and have 15 months between them. (They're 2 and 3 now) it is so unbelievably hard-core. If you're feeling low, I wouldn't think about doing this yet. Saying that, all my NCT friends are having their second now and I'm so glad I got the baby years done! I'm surprised me and my husband are still married though, as the resentment is so high. I'm also fortunate to have a cleaner and fantastic childminder but I am back working 5 days. Tbh work was what saved my sanity in the end....

At this moment in time I would put a hold on the ttc if your struggling now. At 11 months babies are pretty easy. I found once they are toddling round and become toddlers my daughter needed more of my attention.
When he is home in the evenings (the days he's working from home or the weekend) do you do anything for you?? Can you change what you do when the nanny comes, rather than make lunch for everyone. If he works in an office in the home (like my husband does) I simply refuse to clean it as he leaves a lot of mess in there and it's only him that's in there!

You may not think it at the moment but being a SAHM with a nanny 10 hours per week and a cleaner you have a lot of things that people like I would love.

I do hear you on the holiday thing though, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be away together and to have family time. Could you cut back on something else, get your DH to plan a week to have off, then get something last minute?

Struggling with your mental health and with trauma can be exhausting anyway, without any other responsibilities on top.

It sounds like you miss your DH and it feels unfair that his life hasn’t changed much but yours has and you are trapped at home a little bit.

OP- you've had a rollocking on here- but take some comfort. Having a baby is huge. Massive. And it can sometimes overwhelm you.

Take a big breath. Have a think about what you want to communicate to your partner and how to do it. I know my OH prefers a brutal, straightforward discussion and then it's done. He can't be doing with long, gentle chats. Think about what would be effective and the really important things you want to communicate. Don't bother with the niggles.

But he does need to actively engage with his child. Ask him to think about what works for him. My OH has always done every breakfast- he's an early bird and works late. I do pretty much every bedtime because he works long hours. This means I get to wake up slowly, use the toilet without a child shouting 'Mum' at me and get sorted before my days starts. We've worked this out between us.

I do every single club/afterschool for both children but not swimming. I hate sitting in a hot humid pool- so we schedule this for him to do. Do you see what I am saying? We've found a balance that works for us. Your OH isn't helping because he doesn't think he needs to.

Food prep can be planned and organised in advance, when little one has gone to sleep. Batch cook healthy food. Try a slow cooker.

Mumsnet is a mine of useful information about lots of general things- have a look, see if there is anything to help on a practical level.

“My husband has ASD and/or ADHD, he is currently going through diagnosis, he is an amazing kind person and it’s never held him back in his career, he has done well.”

“He just doesn’t seem to be able to multi task with a baby“

Funny how many “ASD” men don’t find it holds them back professionally. Bless him, is he masking at work and that’s why he can’t look after his child? 🙄

That said, he’s doing his bit to buy himself out of his “share” isn’t he?

@Cantbebotheredwithchores he works quite late, usually around 7pm he finishes but often is on calls at 9pm with his business partner. Baby just started walking so definitely adjusting to that. Defo considering changing the hours of nanny as think baby is about to drop a nap. I definitely know I am lucky, I think it's just been a struggle feeling ill, having poorly baby and a partner who is not particularly intuitive. It's something we have to work on together.

@HitTheRoadJill I am working on the holiday, hopefully something around Xmas, but let's see. It's hard to get away right now as lots of things going on at his company. Defo love family time with DH and baby, it's bliss!

@ForestofD I think you are so right with finding your groove together, I think even just having one lie in on Saturday would be nice, it's generally me getting up sort baby out first thing. When he does bath time that is great (but sometimes he has not finished work in time) and nice bonding for them. Yes to batch cooking, I made a huge veggie tart today and then a soup with the rest of the veg, and then did a lamb stew in the hot pot yesterday so have lunches sorted for next few days.

Thank you for your empathy and advice ladies x

I had severe PND, no family, no friends. Oh, and no fucking nanny or cleaner. DH checked out for the first few years.

I certainly had no intention of putting myself through it all again just to get the socially acceptable number of 2.4 children so my family was "CoMpLeTe". Fuck me.

I would focus on napping while your nanny is there. Get yourself feeling a little better. Covid plus a young baby is super hard work. I would also reduce the pressure on ttc.

I reckon it's and combo of the PND and the covid that has knocked you for six. I had covid back in March and it was vile. Took me ages to feel myself again. I know you said you're TTCing, but if I were you, I put a hold on that for the time being and get yourself back to a better place than you're at now. My two DC have a nearly 7yr age gap between them. When my youngest was born, she was ill, and didn't properly sleep for months. The sleep deprivation was hideous, and it was bloody hard work with two DC, even with the age gap!

I know that you're an SAHM, with nanny and cleaner (believe me, if I could have afforded either when my kids were babies, I would have had them!), but I think it's reasonable for you to expect your DH to clear up after himself. And to share care of your baby when he's off. It's a team effort after all. I wouldn't expect him to do housework/childcare while he's WFH though. Having said that, when I was married, I worked FT and was the breadwinner. XH was the SAHP. I still paid for the youngest to go to nursery and my eldest was at school. XH just needed to to the drop offs and pick ups as I worked shifts. He rarely did housework or meal prep and it used to piss me off so much when I'd get home from work and find the place in a mess, laundry not done and the kids still up and not fed (doing shifts, I finished work at 8pm if I was lucky). I talked to him about it until I was blue in the face, but things didn't change. It's actually far easier now I'm a single parent!! Anyway, I digress.

Communication is the key here. Can you sit him down and see if there's things you can both do to make it easier and work together? I don't know: maybe one of you gets a lie in on a Saturday, the other on a Sunday; one of you does the washing up/quick housework whilst the other puts baby to bed? My brother and his wife have a really good system. They have two DC, both work FT condensed over 4 days (each have a different day off, so paid childcare is only needed 3 days a week). They menu plan, batch cook and will take turns to cook/wash up/do housework whilst the other sorts the kids. They have a weekly cleaner. They'll take in turns who stays in with the kids and who goes out for hobbies/meeting friends. And they make time for each other with date nights, and make sure they have family time etc. Important thing is that they talk things through with each other. Some chores my SIL will do as my brother hates it and vice versa, but both do a similar amount and they work together to make sure things are done at home.

I’m normally here to fight for an OP being piled on but Christ, I’m struggling here.

You shouldn’t do so much while the nanny is there. Maybe shower and walk the dog but the rest of the time use it to catch up on sleep, get your nails done, watch a couple episodes of your favourite show- whatever makes you feel a bit more like yourself. You can have beans/ avocado on toast for lunch - no need for anything fancy. It’s a waste of that baby free time.

My brother and his wife have a really good system. They have two DC, both work FT condensed over 4 days (each have a different day off, so paid childcare is only needed 3 days a week). They menu plan, batch cook and will take turns to cook/wash up/do housework whilst the other sorts the kids.

Yeah but no but....the OP doesn't work

Op I do feel so desperately sorry for you because your life seems unbearable. I think to have another child would tip you over the edge. Better to have one child with the struggle you are having two well lets be honest would be too much for you can you possibly get away on holiday for a few months to relieve the stress of your overwhelming life

I really thank you all for your positive suggestions! Life is definitely not unbearable - illness, past trauma resurfacing and isolation has really got on top of me, normally I am energetic and positive but it's been harder recently.

One thing I am going to start today is proper meal planning, I think that will help a lot and more batch cooking, more slow cooker meals (as have energy in the morning) and simpler lunches.

I am going to reduce hours of nanny and get her just to do a couple of hours in the morning 3 days a week, shift my DD's nap and then me and her can get out and about in the afternoon more often, more meet ups and I'll be brave and head out with dog and baby. Dog is a bit crazy especially in car but will be good practice for me dealing with two babies and increase confidence.

I have chatted to DH about retraining, I have a very clear idea what I want to do and he's supportive. He is pretty great, and I need to be more grateful for that and not sweat the small stuff.

One poster suggested taking turns to have a lie on the weekend, think that is a really good idea and will be doing that going forward x

I second this, don't do it now. Wait. If a baby is like a bomb going off in your life, the second is like a nuke.

Stop making anyone lunch when the nanny is here. Stop making your dp lunch full stop- I do not understand why men working from home seems to mean they have live in staff. When my dp is working from home I don’t make him lunch- I’m either looking after our children or working from home myself and he’s an adult with two working hands.
Have a rest, and get properly better, then see how you feel. Personally I feel that partners who don’t step in and let you rest when ill are not good partners.

I would keep the nanny but use the time to see people. Could you do an exercise classs so you're seeing people for a quick chat. Could you arrange to meet up with other dog owners so you can walk together? At the moment you're not massively benefiting from their time. All the things you do when they are there you should be able to do anyway. If the dog isn't brilliantly behaved maybe consider a class. We had a lurcher and a boxer, both a bit mad but we worked at it until they walked nicely with a pram.

You can't have it all
He might not be there to physically help you but you've got help that most would love to be honest
And please don't have another baby if you're THAT pissed off with him

A few points. Firstly, I don't want to jump on the OP bashing bandwagon - we all find some things stressful compared to others. I suspect you feel the whole thing is on your lap OP and it's hardly surprising that you would feel resentful.

AND at the same time, the poor bloke sounds like he is run ragged keeping up your lifestyle - a nanny and cleaner - and for you to say you are resentful would certainly put my back up if I were him.

I think if he has ASD/ADHD you may need to break this down into bits for him. He may genuinely not have ideas of what to do, how to act and what to prepare and just telling him to change isn't likely to help him do it. I suspect you may not be clear enough about what you exactly want/need from him. Though I suspect this isn't new and probably not baby related in all honesty.

As others have said, don't have another unless you are happy to have double the misery, double the cleaning and double the hassle. It's why we won't be having another, it's just too much stress (though the quiet, cuddly times make up for it!)

In short, yes you are being unreasonable given how many (even moderate) earners are struggling without any help at all. I would suggest focusing on the fact you have things in life that make things marginally easier and look at how you can build in a sense of purpose and enjoyment in your life and with the baby. In some ways it sounds like you aren't mature enough to be in the position you are in, but that is another thing entirely.

Also re: being particular about cleaning/tidying. Stop! If I try to help my partner and she constantly scrutinises what I've done I will eventually give up and stop bothering. Nobody likes being told their ways aren't "right".

@deeperthanallroses thank you! Yes this is what was pissing me off, especially when parenting is so physical and he's sat down on calls all day. I am clearly ill, I always take really good care of him but especially when he is ill, lots of honey/lemon drinks, fresh juices, various remedies. I don't get any kind of care and have to negotiate a lie in. He is receptive tho when I point all this stuff out. It's the ASD, he just lacks that intuition.

And yes wfh puts extra pressure on. He has to eat at certain times between calls. I absolutely do love cooking tho, and i like to eat healthy, everything made from scratch. So I make a rod for my own back I guess. I did my meal plan for the week today and have put in super simple lunches and batch cooking so there is left over.

To clarify, the nanny just looks after the baby, we hired her because she is an early years specialist, absolutely amazing woman, someone I want around our baby and I think it's important to have different adult influences (which I did not have this growing up). Tbh I like having her around, she is a bit older, very experienced, she is very supportive to me, and not having a family around I think its perfectly valid to want this for our family.