To resent my husband

[winningeasy]

Not really sure what I am trying to get out of this post but here it goes.

I am a SATM with an 11 month year and also currently trying to conceive second child, we really struggled to conceive our daughter but after a big health kick it happened, and she’s amazing.

My partner works away half of the week. I do get support, we have a part time nanny who comes 10 hours a week, and we have a cleaner who comes 3 hours a week. We have no family around at all, and I don’t have loads of friends as we’ve moved here recently. We’re also a little bit further out so I have to drive everywhere (I only passed my test less than a year ago so I am not a confident driver), but we’re in process of buying a house closer to the town.

My husband has ASD and/or ADHD, he is currently going through diagnosis, he is an amazing kind person and it’s never held him back in his career, he has done well. He is a bit of a workaholic, but he has to be really because we’re trying to get together a lot of cash for the new house.

Because he’s away Tuesday-Thursday and works a lot, and, I guess, because he pays for us to have support, he doesn’t do anything around the house apart from the odd bathtime. I am also super fussy about how I like things done, probably borderline ocd, so it’s partly my fault for being ‘well might as well do it myself’. He works from home a lot, so it’s another person to feed, and plus I am trying to be super healthy as ttc, and I feel healthy food takes longer to cook. He is messy, he doesn’t appreciate having a clean house (it’s a big issue for me if stuff is messy I cannot relax). At weekends we normally do something together as a family, and he does a bit more with the baby, he does play with her but often I come down and he’s watching sport or the news whilst the baby is playing (it’s fine sometimes). Where as if I have the baby by myself I’ll put music on, play with her and if I need to do stuff (cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin) I’ll pop on something she likes, or go back and forth between her. He just doesn’t seem to be able to multi task with a baby. He also very rarely takes her anywhere without me, he would have no clue what to pack for her, he said he struggles to come up with ideas. Any spare time he uses to play computer games, instead of offering to do household stuff, however I do get he needs to decompress from work.

I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I have had covid for last 2-3 weeks, I’m exhausted. I feel like do not stop.

I am just starting to resent my partner, especially when he gets a couple of nights a week (sometimes longer) away from home, goes for nice meals, meets up with friends etc. He’s going through a lot at work and I do need to him to focus on that, but I also do need a bit of care and nurturing myself. I have told him many times that this is what I need, and given him examples of nice things to do but it never happens. I am dealing with a lot of trauma from childhood and issues with my family, and I don’t a relationship with either parent.

We have time to ourself, have been on date nights and stuff which has been lovely. We haven’t been on a proper holiday of more than a few days for a long, long time. We got married recently and didn’t have a honeymoon.

Today he’s said I am really passag with how I am talking to him, and I know he is right. I just don’t really know what I need or how to advocate for myself. We did agree today that I could sleep in spare room on Friday’s and get a lie in on Saturday morning.

Beyond this I am so incredibly broody!! Finding the time and energy for sex is challenging.

I feel really bad posting this because I do get some paid support, and I only have one child. I know things could be a lot harder so sorry if I come across as spoilt 😞

I think it's also possible to feel resentful of certain things, whilst also being very grateful for my life, my husband and my child. Feelings aren't just black and white, either / or.

It's possible to love being a mum or someone's wife and have really hard days / phases and have to have tough conversations.

I guess I answered my own question.

You have an 11month old and your feeling broody - get a grip. You have it so bloody easy and yet can't cope. Stick to 1 child. Get yourself a job.

As others have said, don't have another unless you are happy to have double the misery, double the cleaning and double the hassle. It's why we won't be having another, it's just too much stress

My experience of having more than one child is that it's double (or triple) the delight, and no more cleaning, and no more hassle than having one. Having only one child might be right for the OP, but what you said is absolutely not everyone's experience.

FWIW, I think another child might enable the OP to relax a bit.

What do you mean by telling her to get a grip about being broody?

To clarify, I do not find mothering miserable! I love being a mum. Sure I have a bit of help, so what... as is said 'it takes a village' - I wasn't just going to sit around and wait for the village to show up when I moved to a town where I knew no one.

This thread is about me feeling sick, exhausted and having to just carry on and husband not offering help or care. We're supposed to be a team, it doesn't matter how much he pays out to supplement the time he's not here, if he's around he needs to be an active parent and tbh he isn't always. Most the time I focus on the positive, but the day I posted I was feeling pretty negative.

I have worked my ass off and have done really well in my career (part of the reason we can afford extra help), I've had 'a year off' to be a Mum (something that I had dreamed of for so long and had to go through a lot of fertility investigations to get pregnant), it's ok for me to find it hard, need time for myself AND still enjoy it. And also ok to want another baby. If I need more help then I'll get more help.

In the meantime I am going to be doing all the things that I said I will do to make it better and this includes improving communication with my husband.

I think it’s fantastic you’re doing so well in your career and it’s you paying for the additional help. Well done.

‘’can I ask why you want to retrain? Once you come off mat leave it will maybe help you be less bored/lonely, I’m guessing it’s soon?

@Begoniasforever retraining to do something more in line with my interests, that I know I would find more enjoyable / purposeful, and would fit around being a Mum.

I'm not surprised your husband works away from home, I would too.

OP, there are some really vile, obnoxious individuals on here who are basically bitter and jealous about anyone and anything. That's is their issue - NOT YOURS. Take no notice please. I totally get where you're coming from

You feel unsupported by your DH who has ASD. Sometimes it's hard to explain to men (even those without ASD) what you want doing. You kind of feel if they can't see it themselves, it's too exhausting to explain. It can be a vicious circle.

If it's any consolation, he will probably get much more pro-active as your DD gets older and can "do" more. This is just a point in time.

Emotional stress from childhood trauma is exhausting and makes you prone to depression. I would highly recommend some therapy. If you find it hard to prioritise yourself, then do it FOR your DD.. A good mum is s happy mum. Learn to be kind to yourself. You matter too. Therapy can be difficult, but a good therapist is life-changing.

Of course you shouldn't feel guilty about 3 hours of a cleaner fgs! Some people on here are ridiculous. And keep your nanny if she's a good one - up her hours if you need to. You are in a tough phase, it won't be like this forever. Use the support you do have and make the most of it. When you can take your moments - take them and make the most of it.

You live in an isolated place. That must be really tough. You have no family support, no local friends. DH away a fair bit. So what is some people have it worse than you? If you feel isolated and overwhelmed, you feel isolated and overwhelmed. That's all there is to it.

A few small changes may make a difference for now. Get your Friday night's sleep and Saturday lie in. OP, I have 4 kids (all teens now) and that's definitely something I should have done. Take the step and look for a therapist..Try to get out everyday. Don't feel bad about going to bed if the nanny comes, if you feel unwell or drained from Covid. Alternatively, just go to a coffee shop and have you time, or a swim or a walk. Take the pressure off yourself and don't worry about retraining or whatever just yet. Wait until you get back on your feet a bit. Look after yourself. I'm sorry you have reached out for help and have encountered some nasty individuals. Take care. You'll be absolutely fine - this phase will pass! Sounds like you have loads to look forward to. Good luck in your new home too - how exciting.

'there are some really vile, obnoxious individuals on here who are basically bitter and jealous about anyone and anything': do give over. That is juvenile.

If someone feels low, they feel low. If people have nothing supportive to say, or just want to project their own issues - well, they should put a sock in it. And yes, some people on here are just plain nasty. It's them that need to get a grip.

I have no idea why people are being so critical. Three hours of cleaning with a young child is nothing. That’s dishwashing for a couple of days. Never mind everything else. And 10 hours childcare is very little help. One hour and a bit every day. No other help, the other 23 hours it’s just you.

I don’t think that’s enough time at all. Your husband goes to work during the day, gets off in the evenings. You don’t get off in the evenings- your working at home, minus one hour of childcare.

It’s shameful to see misogyny so clearly.

It sounds very boring. If you have a Nanny and cleaner why aren’t you working or studying? Or doing some wildly interesting hobby. Is your only ambition/ focus to get pregnant again?

"why aren’t you working or studying?"

Fgs.

You do sound overwhelmed. I think most woman feel like you do at some point.. I do all the cooking cleaning childcare and I work p/t. My partner does have them Sunday I have work he comes home to a nice house with dinner cooking I come home to a shit whole and hungry people lol. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I also resent my partner sometimes because he can just wake up get dressed go to work. But actually given the choice to swap with him I wouldn’t I like being with my kids and feel depressed and miss them the two days I have to work. You sound a little lonely maybe try some toddler groups I find venting to other mums and seeing that actually they feel the same really helps.