To resent my husband

[winningeasy]

Not really sure what I am trying to get out of this post but here it goes.

I am a SATM with an 11 month year and also currently trying to conceive second child, we really struggled to conceive our daughter but after a big health kick it happened, and she’s amazing.

My partner works away half of the week. I do get support, we have a part time nanny who comes 10 hours a week, and we have a cleaner who comes 3 hours a week. We have no family around at all, and I don’t have loads of friends as we’ve moved here recently. We’re also a little bit further out so I have to drive everywhere (I only passed my test less than a year ago so I am not a confident driver), but we’re in process of buying a house closer to the town.

My husband has ASD and/or ADHD, he is currently going through diagnosis, he is an amazing kind person and it’s never held him back in his career, he has done well. He is a bit of a workaholic, but he has to be really because we’re trying to get together a lot of cash for the new house.

Because he’s away Tuesday-Thursday and works a lot, and, I guess, because he pays for us to have support, he doesn’t do anything around the house apart from the odd bathtime. I am also super fussy about how I like things done, probably borderline ocd, so it’s partly my fault for being ‘well might as well do it myself’. He works from home a lot, so it’s another person to feed, and plus I am trying to be super healthy as ttc, and I feel healthy food takes longer to cook. He is messy, he doesn’t appreciate having a clean house (it’s a big issue for me if stuff is messy I cannot relax). At weekends we normally do something together as a family, and he does a bit more with the baby, he does play with her but often I come down and he’s watching sport or the news whilst the baby is playing (it’s fine sometimes). Where as if I have the baby by myself I’ll put music on, play with her and if I need to do stuff (cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin) I’ll pop on something she likes, or go back and forth between her. He just doesn’t seem to be able to multi task with a baby. He also very rarely takes her anywhere without me, he would have no clue what to pack for her, he said he struggles to come up with ideas. Any spare time he uses to play computer games, instead of offering to do household stuff, however I do get he needs to decompress from work.

I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I have had covid for last 2-3 weeks, I’m exhausted. I feel like do not stop.

I am just starting to resent my partner, especially when he gets a couple of nights a week (sometimes longer) away from home, goes for nice meals, meets up with friends etc. He’s going through a lot at work and I do need to him to focus on that, but I also do need a bit of care and nurturing myself. I have told him many times that this is what I need, and given him examples of nice things to do but it never happens. I am dealing with a lot of trauma from childhood and issues with my family, and I don’t a relationship with either parent.

We have time to ourself, have been on date nights and stuff which has been lovely. We haven’t been on a proper holiday of more than a few days for a long, long time. We got married recently and didn’t have a honeymoon.

Today he’s said I am really passag with how I am talking to him, and I know he is right. I just don’t really know what I need or how to advocate for myself. We did agree today that I could sleep in spare room on Friday’s and get a lie in on Saturday morning.

Beyond this I am so incredibly broody!! Finding the time and energy for sex is challenging.

I feel really bad posting this because I do get some paid support, and I only have one child. I know things could be a lot harder so sorry if I come across as spoilt 😞

Count your blessings. If you don’t you might find they disappear. I expect he resents you far more than you do him, you’re spectacularly privileged, get loads of paid help and free time and you’re moaning about it.

I was wondering the same

Repeating what everyone else has said.... DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD!!!

I personally think you are making an issue out of nothing due to your OCD.

Hang on a sec... your husband might have paid for a cleaner and 10 hours of childcare a week however this does not absolve him of 1. Not parenting when he is at home and 2. Not even clearing up after himself. If that's what's going on and that's why you resent him, then that's fair enough. Just because you get 10 hours a week (which is equivalent to one full day in nursery) off doeant mean he should sit there on his phone / gaming for the rest of the time.

OP what does a typical evening / weekend when you are both around look like?

He is a bit of a workaholic, but he has to be really because we’re trying to get together a lot of cash for the new house.

Have you considered getting a job to contribute?

How important is the new house if you can't look after your current one without paid help? Is it just a status symbol?

I don’t think you’re husband should have to do anyway housework or cleaning when he is at home and I think it would be nice if you did most of the cooking (you could prep in your spare time when he is away)

I think though that he should have one night where he is the only one who gets up with the baby so you can have a night where you sleep through.

Re: him gaming and watching tv when home - you have to remember that he is winding down and switching off from work when he is at home. You’re not. You have got mental energy to spare and you are waiting for company.

You have got a couple of hours to yourself each day during the week, plus when baby sleeps, if you what to watch tv or chill on your phone, your DH needs that when home, even more so because he is neurodivergent

Would you like to study or work part-time? It could be good for you.

Op you are coming across as a princess!
I had two under two. No nanny, no cleaner and I worked evenings. If you need all of that help with just one baby, please reconsider having another.

Explain to me the logic of having a second child when your struggling with one. He’s probably not going to be more involved with the second than he was with the first.

Put TTC on hold and get some professional support (counselling).

Another wind up thread.

You have a cleaner, a nanny and you don’t do anything. Thank your lucky stars and get help for your OCD.

I think you have it incredibly easy. I don’t know anyone with as much paid support whilst being a stay at home parent. Usually the cleaning and childcare would fall solely to you. I don’t think you should consider a second child if you’re struggling so much with the support you have with one child.

You should start blogging.

Children are sponges. Honestly, they pick up on everything.

So- from you- your child will learn- cleanliness is more important than anything
Everything must be done correctly and there is no room for errors

From Dad- work is more important than anything

You two are also modelling how to have a relationship.

They will learn- it's ok to leave everything to the women
Women pick up the 'drudge' jobs
Daddy's needs take priority

I know this feels like a right royal rollocking from other posters. However, both of you need to find a way to communicate effectively. He is opting out from family life because his job is his No.1 priority and you need to perhaps get some help with the need for everything to be perfect. Life isn't perfect and trying to control irrelevant jobs in the home won't fix the issues you are struggling with.

Lol

Okay, so reading between the lines and comments about how you know you're spoiled... I am reading about someone who is quite sad, dealing with past trauma and finding things hard - even with help. Have you spoken to your health visitor or GP about how you are feeling? Possible PND combined with OCD is not a good combo - neither is just OCD! If DH works away this will also be affecting how you feel - a nanny/cleaner is not equal to a present husband who loves you. Talk to a professional- not MN.

op is never coming back... wind them up and watch them go eh? Prove me wrong...

Sahm, part time nanny and cleaner! I think your ocd and obsession with things being tidy is the problem not your husband.

Some people are not suited to the SAHM lifestyle. I for one am not cut out for such a life. Perhaps you're similar. So I would recommend going back to work, developing your career, and gaining a fulfilling life outside the home. It would also reduce the financial burden on your husband if you share the load.

If you want to continue the SAHM life, you already have quite a bit of paid help and I can't imagine that cooking and cleaning takes up that much time for two adults and one baby. I wouldn't expect your husband to do the housework -- surely that is the tradeoff if one person is at home all day? He should definitely interact with the baby (and it sounds as though he does play with and bathe her). It's important for him to engage with his child, but OTOH it's also fine (in fact, it's a good thing) not to entertain her constantly.

Have you actually been diagnosed with OCD? If so, what support are you receiving?

And I very much agree with PPs. Now is not the time to try for another baby if you are struggling so much with one.

Please do not have another child. How would you cope? You already have so much help and you are resenting him for no fault of his. You dont even realise that you are luckier than most women and dont have to go to work on top of the normal day to day work. If you want him to do more around the house, ask him.

My DH was like this (also neurodiverse, and an alcoholic). What jolted him out of it was me pointing to our DD and saying 'How do you think she sees you? Do you think she sees you as a parent? A safe place? A person that can meet her needs? Or just a playmate?'

If you feel like this with one baby, a part time nanny and a cleaner as well as a husband who does by all account involve himself, I would suggest now is not the time to be trying for a second baby

Thanks for your messages. Obv I feel like a bit of an idiot now!

The reason we have help is because we have no family, they all live 4 hours away, and my husband is away 2 nights a week and he also sometimes goes away for a week at a time. The nanny purely focuses on the baby, and during the 3 hours she is here, I exercise, have a shower, make lunch for everyone and take dog for a walk (there’s nowhere I can walk to with the buggy where I live, hence why we are moving as it’s too isolated)

I take her swimming on Wednesday and to a baby group on Thursday. I defo have some nice friends from
NCT, and baby groups, it’s just taking it to the next level that’s been a bit challenging. I do have really good friends who I speak to everyday but they live in London. I definitely agree that I am a bit lonely and bored. The plan is to retrain in a couple of years after our family is complete and will also be helping DH with his new business (I already do adhocly). In a couple of months, I am starting the renovation of the new house so that will be something to get my teeth into. Previously I was self employed but it would be hard to get that work going again because I am no longer in the city, I think if I could walk into another job right now, I would.

I drive everywhere so defo getting lots of practice there.

My cleaner isn’t great tbh, I prob need to have a word.

I defo need to let my DH do his own thing with the baby, and encourage he takes her out by himself so he gets more used to it.

I think it’s just been really hard over last couple of weeks because I have been pretty sick, baby has been sick too and neither of us have got much sleep. I guess I wasn’t sure of how much DH should be stepping in when I am sick. I do think there is extra pressure him wfh, I don’t get any benefit from it (although nice for the baby that we can all eat lunch together) and I feel I am flitting between his routine and the baby’s.

I definitely had/have PND, it’s got a lot better since I stopped breast feeding and baby started sleeping through, and we got a bit of help in last couple of months. I have complex PTSD from childhood neglect / trauma, so huge aspect of pressure I put on myself is about breaking that cycle. I know I am a good mum, and a very caring, nurturing person.

I know I need to let go a bit and lower my expectations. I think all this feedback confirms this so I’ll defo be making an effort to do so and speaking to a therapist about it.

Absolutely take the point about baby’s being sponges.

I definitely had/have PND, it’s got a lot better since I stopped breast feeding and baby started sleeping through, and we got a bit of help in last couple of months. I have complex PTSD from childhood neglect / trauma, so huge aspect of pressure I put on myself is about breaking that cycle. I know I am a good mum, and a very caring, nurturing person.

Sorry to hear about this OP.

It feels like 11 months after having your first child, TTC now is very soon with all this in mind?

You are already finding things difficult, isn't adding pregnancy and a newborn to the mix in the imminent future hugely risky when it comes to your wellbeing?

Have you had any counselling re your childhood since having your child? I know it can be retraumatising in some ways and so you may find some (solo) counselling useful, before TTC again?

Good for you for taking comments on board, OP. You don't have to apologise for having help - most SAHMs would love to do this. I would have loved it. However, I'd ditch the "I've got no local family" etc justifications. I had no local family, and XH's parents are dead, and still managed. I know it seems on MN as if everyone lives next door to their parents, but they don't!

I hope things feel a bit easier once you and DD get over this bout of illness.