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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent my husband

116 replies

winningeasy · 09/10/2022 15:37

Not really sure what I am trying to get out of this post but here it goes.

I am a SATM with an 11 month year and also currently trying to conceive second child, we really struggled to conceive our daughter but after a big health kick it happened, and she’s amazing.

My partner works away half of the week. I do get support, we have a part time nanny who comes 10 hours a week, and we have a cleaner who comes 3 hours a week. We have no family around at all, and I don’t have loads of friends as we’ve moved here recently. We’re also a little bit further out so I have to drive everywhere (I only passed my test less than a year ago so I am not a confident driver), but we’re in process of buying a house closer to the town.

My husband has ASD and/or ADHD, he is currently going through diagnosis, he is an amazing kind person and it’s never held him back in his career, he has done well. He is a bit of a workaholic, but he has to be really because we’re trying to get together a lot of cash for the new house.

Because he’s away Tuesday-Thursday and works a lot, and, I guess, because he pays for us to have support, he doesn’t do anything around the house apart from the odd bathtime. I am also super fussy about how I like things done, probably borderline ocd, so it’s partly my fault for being ‘well might as well do it myself’. He works from home a lot, so it’s another person to feed, and plus I am trying to be super healthy as ttc, and I feel healthy food takes longer to cook. He is messy, he doesn’t appreciate having a clean house (it’s a big issue for me if stuff is messy I cannot relax). At weekends we normally do something together as a family, and he does a bit more with the baby, he does play with her but often I come down and he’s watching sport or the news whilst the baby is playing (it’s fine sometimes). Where as if I have the baby by myself I’ll put music on, play with her and if I need to do stuff (cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin) I’ll pop on something she likes, or go back and forth between her. He just doesn’t seem to be able to multi task with a baby. He also very rarely takes her anywhere without me, he would have no clue what to pack for her, he said he struggles to come up with ideas. Any spare time he uses to play computer games, instead of offering to do household stuff, however I do get he needs to decompress from work.

I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I have had covid for last 2-3 weeks, I’m exhausted. I feel like do not stop.

I am just starting to resent my partner, especially when he gets a couple of nights a week (sometimes longer) away from home, goes for nice meals, meets up with friends etc. He’s going through a lot at work and I do need to him to focus on that, but I also do need a bit of care and nurturing myself. I have told him many times that this is what I need, and given him examples of nice things to do but it never happens. I am dealing with a lot of trauma from childhood and issues with my family, and I don’t a relationship with either parent.

We have time to ourself, have been on date nights and stuff which has been lovely. We haven’t been on a proper holiday of more than a few days for a long, long time. We got married recently and didn’t have a honeymoon.

Today he’s said I am really passag with how I am talking to him, and I know he is right. I just don’t really know what I need or how to advocate for myself. We did agree today that I could sleep in spare room on Friday’s and get a lie in on Saturday morning.

Beyond this I am so incredibly broody!! Finding the time and energy for sex is challenging.

I feel really bad posting this because I do get some paid support, and I only have one child. I know things could be a lot harder so sorry if I come across as spoilt 😞

OP posts:
happy66 · 09/10/2022 16:51

OMG you get 13 hours support and you are stressed. You are not cut out for this.

billy1966 · 09/10/2022 16:51

Absolutely do not bring another child into this situation.

Madness.

Two children are about 3 times the work of one.

You need to focus on being more content and make the changes with your husband so things work better for you.

Another baby will finish this relationship.

Don't do it.

happy66 · 09/10/2022 16:52

And only one child. Do not have another until your child is in full time school. Take it from me who struggled with two and no support. Two is much much harder.

Oysterbabe · 09/10/2022 16:55

And I agree that the problem is you have too much time on your hands. A job and letting the kid do a couple of days in nursery would be good for you.

Clarinet1 · 09/10/2022 16:56

I second some of the comments about possibly lowering your standards to encourage DH and that having a second child may not
be a good idea at the moment but I
also wonder if you might have some degree of PND. Could be worth talking to your GP.

Rainbowpurple · 09/10/2022 16:58

You need to let go of maternal gatekeeling, and let your DH do his own parenting without any intervention or criticism from you.

RedHelenB · 09/10/2022 17:00

Afterfire · 09/10/2022 16:07

Goodness me if you feel like this with one child don’t have another!

This. It's very unusual to have a cleaner and a oart time nanny as a sahm, and if you're still struggling with one child despite this 2 will be double the work.

Rainbowpurple · 09/10/2022 17:02

Also something to note that ASD/ ADHD is hereditary, and you might struggle with ND children so close to the each other. Food for thought!

Strictly1 · 09/10/2022 17:03

Please do not have another baby!

Browndoor · 09/10/2022 17:03

You're right in thinking he needs to be actively caring for DD during his time with her, not entertaining himself and trying to ignore her. You could show him what to do.

I think you're bored and lonely and just don't like the life of a sahm. And I sympathise because you sound so unhappy.

Toottooot · 09/10/2022 17:03

Peer mannie.

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 17:07

It just feels all a bit entitled. Especially the line about you needing him to focus on his work, like he’s a child or an employee. The telling him all the nice things he could do for you , telling us all about the nanny, the cleaner, the date nights, nights out. Now you need your lie ins

I don’t know what’s causing your behaviour or how you can say you don’t know how to advocate for yourself, I doubt many people would expect so so much from a partner.

. You need to adult. are you bored, or mentally Ill like depression, or have you always been entitled, you certainly should not be trying for a second child at this stage.

Pleatherandlace · 09/10/2022 17:10

If you’re making this kind of performance out of having one child do yourself a favour and don’t have any more. Imagine if the tables where turned and it was your husband at home with the cleaner/nanny etc and you were working full time and being asked to provide more and contribute more etc all the time?

It’s ok to have an only child, a busy family life is not for everyone, there are other things you can do with your time. You sound a bit directionless and you sound like you are directing your unhappiness as resentment towards your husband.

midsomermurderess · 09/10/2022 17:12

Is your husband a doctor?

BellePeppa · 09/10/2022 17:13

You sound like hard work and a pain in the a*. If you need the house to be super tidy all the time that’s your issue to deal with. Give your hardworking husband a break for goodness sake.

Cosycover · 09/10/2022 17:14

You stay at home and have a nanny and a cleaner.

If I was your partner I'd be pretty pissed off if you moaned to me about a messy house!

This has to be a joke. It has to be.

dwightkurtschrute · 09/10/2022 17:18

Are you always so me, me, me?

dane8 · 09/10/2022 17:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Onewildandpreciouslife · 09/10/2022 17:20

It sounds like you’re feeling very run down after Covid, and feeling a bit sorry for yourself. That’s fair enough, but you won’t get much sympathy on AIBU! Try to get an early night and start again tomorrow. And cut DH some slack

erikbloodaxe · 09/10/2022 17:20

I had a workaholic husband who did a big fat zero with his own children and around the house. He did complain a lot though.
I had 3 under 5 (I rather than we as I did everything), gave birth to number 3 on a Sunday and still did the school run the next day. No help, no nanny and no cleaner. House was tidy enough, nutritious meals cooked everyday. Kids were spotless. The husband was financially controlling too.

That it the load that many women carry.
1 baby, paid help and a husband happy to bankroll your wingeing arse. Stop it!

Sparklfairy · 09/10/2022 17:21

Simple answer is get a job yourself and use the money for however many additional hours you want your cleaner. Though I think you might need more than one full time because of your "ocd"

You are the definition of ungrateful.

MilkToastHoney · 09/10/2022 17:25

Honestly, don’t have another baby if this is how you feel. If you are this miserable with one, especially with a nanny and cleaner and being able to go on nights out too, I guess you’d be really unhappy with a baby and a toddler to look after.

so it’s another person to feed
Surely if you’re cooking for you and the baby, you just make extra for your DH? It’s not really harder/any different cooking for 3 than 2.
If you do feel it’s a stress though, if you have another child that really is another person to feed/make snacks for/get drinks for etc.

Saying you have to drive everywhere is difficult - with 2 kids, this is so much harder - getting them both into car seats/baby crying/toddler moaning/one wants to go, one doesn’t etc. If you find driving places with one baby difficult, don’t add another to it. It’s 10 times as stressful as one!

He just doesn’t seem to be able to multi task with a baby. He also very rarely takes her anywhere without me, he would have no clue what to pack for her, he said he struggles to come up with ideas. Any spare time he uses to play computer games
How’s he going to multi task with 2? Multiple kids requires permanent multi tasking.
Saying he has no clue what to pack - this is really strange, surely he knows to pack some nappies/wipes and a drink/snack? If he genuinely can’t put these items in a bag, you’d be mad to have another child with him.
Same with struggles to come up with ideas, surely he can take his own child to the park or soft play, it’s not exactly rocket science. Is he this dysfunctional in his job?

BrieAndChilli · 09/10/2022 17:25

You have a baby (who won’t be making much ‘mess’ and your husband is away half the week so it’s o ly you making any mess/dirt and if you are so ocd about things being clean then what the hell is the cleaner doing for 3 hours?? There shouldn’t be much for her to do let alone be a load of housework on top that your husband needs to do!
you then also have a nanny for 10 hours. So that’s another 10 hours you either have to clean/prepare meals or do what ever you want - gym etc.

I’m struggling to think of what else to do that can’t be done by the above people and you ok the 13 hours allocated. That leaves plenty of time for you to play with the baby and go to toddler groups etc

your husband should be able to come home and not have to do housework apart from cleaning up after himself/helping with meals etc and also spending time with the baby but it sounds like if he does you find fault so he probably stopped trying.

PaperLanterns · 09/10/2022 17:28

This has to be a joke. I had two under two, in a lockdown so we didn’t see anyone and we managed. I just can’t believe this could be real.

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 17:30

I also think you could be bored, that’s why you’re focusing on the super clean stuff as you’ve nothing else to do and as you’ve no friends you don’t socialise to are jealous he does that. Everything feels like a drudge as you’re so under utilised and have no real relationships other than with your husband and child

have you tried to make friends, join groups, volunteer etc? Your world has become so small you’ve become so focused on yourself and the house. You need to try to widen your world as a first step.

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