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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

438 replies

drelo2 · 09/10/2022 13:36

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

OP posts:
Mommabear20 · 09/10/2022 17:33

@Octomore I agree it's not enough, but what I said is it's not his FAULT if he hasn't said anything to harass her. We'd absolutely still be having a conversation about standing up for people in vulnerable situations etc but there wouldn't be any 'punishment' so to speak.

Octomore · 09/10/2022 17:35

Well we differ then. I think passively watching your mate sexually harass and coerce a girl is more than worthy of a hefty punishment.

Octomore · 09/10/2022 17:36

He could have told an adult

He could have texted the girl directly to reassure her, tell her she didn't have to send anything.

He could have told his mate to stop being a dick and leave the girl alone.

He has lots of options available to him, and chose to take the worst one.

WeepingSomnambulist · 09/10/2022 17:37

You need to impress upon him that if he just stands there and watches his friends abuse, harass or assault a women then he is part of the problem. He is an abuser and harasser.

If he isnt standing up and telling his friend what a rapey bastard he is being and stopping him, calling for help or supporting the girl in the chat then is part of the problem. He is just as bad.

I'm raising 2 boys. And I'm raising them to stand up and speak out when shit like this goes down.

You're acting like this is nothing. Like he hasn't really dony anything. You're not doing anything.

Call the police and have them deal with it.

Scrambledandfried · 09/10/2022 17:37

StopStartStop · 09/10/2022 13:38

Wipe the floor with the rapey bastard.
Basically.

😂😂😂 get a grip. Major overreaction

Popatop · 09/10/2022 17:38

Police. Or at the very least threat of police….This is completely not ok behaviour.

WeepingSomnambulist · 09/10/2022 17:43

Scrambledandfried · 09/10/2022 17:37

😂😂😂 get a grip. Major overreaction

Show quote history

2 teenage boys created a group chat to harass a girl into sending nude photos and then called and ask for her to show them herself nude?

And you dont think that's you know... a bit rapey?

You're part of the fucking problem then.

I'm a mother of 2 sons. If they did this, they'd be down at the police station. I wouldn't give a shit that they were my sons. They abuse or harass a girl or woman into sending nudes, or they send a dick pic then I'm going through them like a ton of bricks.

Women have had enough.

Muminabun · 09/10/2022 17:43

Don’t “try” to talk to him op. Do it. He is your child and he is engaging in online sexual harassment of another child. It sounds like he has the upper hand. Step up now and parent him. Don’t let this behaviour slide or escalate. He may not listen but it is important he gets the message.

PAFMO · 09/10/2022 17:45

Scrambledandfried · 09/10/2022 17:37

😂😂😂 get a grip. Major overreaction

Show quote history

Said no mother of a girl who has been sexually exploited, ever.
And yes, people like you are very much part of the problem.

QuitWhileAhead · 09/10/2022 17:46

I'd try and get all the facts and I think I'd report it to the school. If I was the mother of the daughter I'd want to report it to the chocolate or the police but I suspect the daughter might not want it. I'd try and encourage her to but ultimately if she didn't want to I might not force her.

If I were the mother of the son I would be devastated and I'd be extremely angry. I think id report it to the school.

OP, you do sound like you are trying to excuse your son. He was there and was part of the group chat. That's really bad. As I've mentioned id want more details. Did the girl send a picture to your sons phone?

Octomore · 09/10/2022 17:47

SeasonFinale · 09/10/2022 17:29

If the girl did actually show them something as he says then depending on what it was she too could be prosecuted for distributing child port is my understanding so I think the parents need to get together to sort this out and have a joint agreed approach.

The girl will have rock solid evidence of the coercion and harassment she was subjected to in those messages. The police are not going to be the slightest bit interested in charging her, because she's the victim here.

quietnightmare · 09/10/2022 17:48

Phone is gone that's a non negotiable

Apology to the girl either at her house if she is comfortable for him to go to the house or an pokey needs to be made in another format

Make sure that him and the others involved do not speak to any other children in their school or the girls school about what she apparently did otherwise police will be called. They need to understand that if this info goes around their school or the girls it could destroy her.

Ensure any photos are discarded of

Notanotherwindow · 09/10/2022 17:48

Ton of bricks.

Removal of phone for a good period of time 6 months to a year as he clearly isn't responsible enough to have one.

A very serious talk preferably from his DF as well, regarding consent, sexual harassment and the legal ramifications of ending up on the sex offenders register, especially if this girl is underage.

Also a talk about the way this disgusting behaviour is designed to intimidate girls and women and the fact that at best it is bullying, at worst it is a sex crime and that this girls parents would have every right to call the police and there would be nothing you could do to protect him.

He needs to understand that sexual harassment is serious and an adult crime. Its not banter and its not funny.

Quincythequince · 09/10/2022 17:48

Queuesarasarah · 09/10/2022 15:36

Right……. Overreacting is as problematic as underreacting in this situation.

Show quote history

There are plenty of teenage boys on the sex offenders register for passing on indecent images of children like this.

There won’t be a school in this country that doesn’t have at least one boy on the register I bet.

Receiving them isn’t illegal (AFAIK) but distributing them is.

OPs son needs a firm hand here, Absolutely.

I don’t think likening him to a rapist is appropriate tbh.

And yes, this girl has been pressured there is no question about that and it’s terrible.

She needs to be told that it’s ok, appropriate even to tell them to fuck off, to leave the chat and block them too.

WeepingSomnambulist · 09/10/2022 17:49

@SeasonFinale

Step scaremongering. The harassed girl will not be prosecuted if she gave in. Police have been quite clear on that. A girl being bullied and harassed by mulptlie boys is not going to be prosecuted.

No parents of girls should be afraid to go to the police about this.

LakieLady · 09/10/2022 17:50

If I was the girl's mother, along with all the confiscations/restrictions, conversations about consent and coercion etc outlined above, I'd want the boys involved to be scared shitless, I'm afraid.

I'd want the parents to make sure that the boys know what a "nonce" is, and that this is nonce behaviour, and what the implications are for future employment as a conviction would show on enhanced DBS. And that they know they're a gnat's cock away from the girl's parents getting the police involved.

And I'd want him to be provided with the most basic burner phone you can buy, one that only does texts and calls, ideally.

Quincythequince · 09/10/2022 17:50

Octomore · 09/10/2022 17:47

The girl will have rock solid evidence of the coercion and harassment she was subjected to in those messages. The police are not going to be the slightest bit interested in charging her, because she's the victim here.

Show quote history

She will absolutely not be taken to task over this, under these circumstances.

She was being harassed and coerced, and if she wasn’t, well the proof (or not) will be there in the chat.

Stop being so ridiculous.

Normalmumandwife · 09/10/2022 17:51

Meltingsocks · 09/10/2022 13:43

Report this to the school, as a sex crime has been committed.

WTF is this for the school to sort out? Don't they have enough? If for the parents to sort out and point out the illegalities in it all

quietnightmare · 09/10/2022 17:51

LakieLady · 09/10/2022 17:50

If I was the girl's mother, along with all the confiscations/restrictions, conversations about consent and coercion etc outlined above, I'd want the boys involved to be scared shitless, I'm afraid.

I'd want the parents to make sure that the boys know what a "nonce" is, and that this is nonce behaviour, and what the implications are for future employment as a conviction would show on enhanced DBS. And that they know they're a gnat's cock away from the girl's parents getting the police involved.

And I'd want him to be provided with the most basic burner phone you can buy, one that only does texts and calls, ideally.

Actually yeah. Nip this in the bud BIW before they push boundary after boundary and boundary and think they can get away with things like this. Make a huge deal out of things like this and the truly horrific and tragic things won't happen

Quincythequince · 09/10/2022 17:52

LakieLady · 09/10/2022 17:50

If I was the girl's mother, along with all the confiscations/restrictions, conversations about consent and coercion etc outlined above, I'd want the boys involved to be scared shitless, I'm afraid.

I'd want the parents to make sure that the boys know what a "nonce" is, and that this is nonce behaviour, and what the implications are for future employment as a conviction would show on enhanced DBS. And that they know they're a gnat's cock away from the girl's parents getting the police involved.

And I'd want him to be provided with the most basic burner phone you can buy, one that only does texts and calls, ideally.

A nonce refers to an adult going after kids! A paedophile.

It doesn’t apply in these circumstances at all.

MsTSwift · 09/10/2022 17:54

An acquaintance of dds age 13 was pressurised by a boy saying he would kill himself if she didn’t send him a picture😔. The correct response to that is off you go then mate. Why we need to not teach our girls to be “nice” “be kind” and caring to these little scrotes.

We would have reported your son to the police and taken it out of your hands entirely.

Notanotherwindow · 09/10/2022 17:58

Also point out that the police don't give a shit whose idea it was. At best he is an accessory in coercing a minor into distribution of inappropriate images and at his age, he can be reasonably expected to know that this is a crime.

If it goes to court he will be charged with the crime regardless of whether it was his idea. He was involved and this makes him complicit. My friend made me do it is not a defence that any court will accept.

MsTSwift · 09/10/2022 17:59

As a mother I would be fucking gutted though so sympathy to you.

reigatecastle · 09/10/2022 17:59

I assume this happened outside school, so why report to the school?

On the assumption that he was a bystander and not the main culprit, I would be finding that video about being a bystander and making him watch it. Several times.

Otherwise agree he should have the fear of god put into him. Sadly teenagers don't always respond to things like the thread of DBS checks in future, but a visit from the police might have the desired effect.

Ponderingwindow · 09/10/2022 18:00

I’d want you to take his phone and lock him out of all his social media accounts. Replace his phone with a non smartphone, one that makes calls only.