To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

[drelo2]

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

It sounds from your op that it was your sons friend asking his gf for photos, then set up a group chat involving your son. The gf mum has called you with her daughters version of events.
I would just speak to my son, talk to him about respect, consent, peer pressure and the consequences of getting caught up in anything like this. Obviously if he did have any images on his phone then delete them and confiscate the phone. He is only 15 so under age too and will need guidance on how to deal with these situations.

Ground him (I have a ds btw).

Take away his phone.

Stop him going to football for at least a month.

Explain to him that he did have a choice.

He could have come home and told you.
He could have told an adult already in the house he was at.

He didn't have to stay there and that makes him complicit. He made a choice to stay there.

And all of the above actions would be explained to him that because he clearly isn't mature enough to make the right decisions he needs to have a life designed for a younger child until you've learnt to trust him again. Remind him he will have even more lack of privileges if he's attested and charged and found guilty of distributing pictures of a minor.

And I'd be telling him that any moaning or breaking theses strict rules will result in the loss of more privileges.

And tell him next time he needs to contact the girl via text direct telling her she doesn't have to do what is being requested and to report to an adult or the police even immediately.

100% take the phone off him and other tech. Ask to see his phone and laptop etc and go through it. Have a damn good talk with him. Make him apologise to the girl. Keep him away from friend at least for a while. You need to talk to the friend's parents too.

This is what unfettered access to online porn creates. Young minds are very impressionable indeed. I have always believed the internet needs censoring to protect not only young but fragile minds. Teenagers will always try to outdo each other we did in our day but there was never any of this.
Whatever happened to telling tall stories to your friends or making mix tapes for a girl you liked.
Pornography such as there is available today at the click of a mouse or flick of a finger is very corruptive indeed and there are no age restrictions on it. How on earth it is free I cannot understand. I fear for my children both my sons and my daughter these days I really do.
One complaint or incident or picture shared could stigmatise a child for life boy or girl. The kids today, unlike us, have grown up being bombarded with this shit in the playground. They’re not entirely to blame because it has rewired their minds.
I’m not making excuses for the conduct but that’s how it is. I’m nearly half a century old and we did not have this filth to contend with as children.
Online porn and violent video games are preventing children from being children and destroying their innocence into the bargain.
There has got to be a way to stop this.

I’d want you to make him understand that by allowing his friend to do it, he was part of the problem. It’s boys who ’let’ friends get away with it that allows it to keep happening. Teach him to be stronger and better than that, teach him to say no, to phone you and go home instead. It sounds like an actual crime has been committed depending on age, and your DS is now a part of that.

This can literally destroy his life if she reports it and if I was her mum I would and she has every right to do so . Sorry but he needs to be punished and by punished I mean absolutely no outside world apart from school . No internet , no phone , no days out with anyone but the family . He would need to stay away from the girl too .
Putting aside how awful this is morally , this can be massive in legal repercussions.

I'd feel like I'd completely failed as a parent if I were you. This wasn't terms experimenting between themselves it was harassment from two boys to one girl. Thank god she was at the other end of the phone to them and not in the same room!

Please don’t “try to instil your daughters with a sense of self respect”. Implying this girl lacked “self respect” , or having “self respect” would have prevented this, is another from of victim blaming / slut shaming.

Of course we need to empower women / girls- that is about supporting them to be confident/ happy/ assertive broadly, on their own terms.

I didn’t say it was remotely okay. But I am also realistic that nudes are being shared right, left and centre in schools. Freaking out and telling them they are all going to be arrested (unlikely) isn’t going to make them decent men who treat women well. Helping him to understand why it’s wrong is far more effective. Otherwise all they might hear is that the problem is she was under 18. If she had been 18 this would be fine then? No. It’s not a problem because of illegality. It’s a problem because it’s immoral. Lots of immoral behaviour by men is legal. I want my children to all be moral people, not just people who don’t break the law.

Why don't you ask the mum if she wants you to take it to the police?

no one has asked for advice about what you would do as the mother of the DD

to be fair, that is exactly the question posed in the title of the thread.

”To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled”

He doesn't deserve to go to football.

Above all be calm. Don’t scream and shout and get hysterical. Simply explain that you don’t pressure a girl, that when she says no she means it. To be fair, he is still a child. When it comes to sex, a 15-year-old is in a whole new world. He has no idea what is acceptable and what isn’t. Also, assuming your son is telling the truth (and my gut feeling is that he is), it sounds like he got swept along in something he didn’t want to be a part of.

Go to the police. Your son has been trying to coerce a child into taking indecent images of herself. That kind of behaviour doesnt just 'stop' as they get older. He clearly has disgusting tendencies already and that needs to be stomped out quickly.

As for him blaming the other boys, in my opinion this makes it worse. Not only is he not taking any accountability for what he's done (which shows he doesn't regret it/see an issue with his behaviour), he's willing to engage is child pornography to keep his mates happy. Not a good trait.

Distance him from the boy now. None of thos 'but he'll see him in football' rubbish. What your son has done is serious and you need to be taking it more seriously. I appreciate parents are not always to blame for creeps, perverts and downright criminals, but the way they respond to that behaviour when it first occurs can determine if it happens again.

No messing around. Stop football. Be a decent parent and human being and sort it out

I’d stop using the term “nudes” with him and call it what it is “indecent images of children”.

You can bet your bottom dollar he shared those images. How is this young girl (child) going to walk into school on Monday, knowing her classmates will be sniggering/judging her.
He is not her friend or a friend to women, he is at best a bully and is likely a predator too.

But I am also realistic that nudes are being shared right, left and centre in schools

But I am also realistic that indecent images of children are being shared right, left and centre in schools.

use the right terminology and somehow it doesn’t sound quite so innocent.

just because indecent images of children are commonly shared doesn’t mean something shouldn’t be done. Police aren’t likely to prosecute if the sharer is underage themselves, but is will emphasise the seriousness.

You’d be surprised how many men start with coercing girls into “sending nudes” as teens at school. If you don’t take it seriously they don’t learn it’s not OK to coerce girls into sex acts, and that can carry on into adulthood, where they think “obtaining consent” is persisting until she gives in.

This is a lovely, supportive post and it sounds as though the situation with your DS was really well handled.

This is a great point. If 99 people are doing something, and it is wrong, be the one person and the 1% that stands up against it. There is NO excuse to just throw your hands up and say well everyone's doing it so.....

I don't need to be the mum of a girl to know that this could destroy a girl. Every single individual case is a case on its own, outside of whether million other people or no-one have also experienced it. If it is wrong, it is wrong. I want my boys to stand up against anything that is wrong, and this is one of those cases.

Honestly, I’d barely lift a finger. I’d send the brothers in. Possibly cousins too. If one of my boys did that and got a kicking for it wi wouldn’t bat an eyelid either.

I would take away all devices and wipe the floor with him.

I would scare the shit out of him by telling him the police could get involved if the victim chooses to involve them, and that sexual harassment crimes are not taken lightly.

Nobody wants their son to get into trouble and if it were my son I certainly would hope the police wouldn't be informed, but if they did I would hope it taught him a valuable lifelong lesson.

From the perspective of a mother of a girl too, I'd be absolutely furious and disgusted and as a starting point I'd probably ask school to support us and see how that went before thinking about the police.

Oh ffs so many over the top responses, one remove his phone and go though it to get him to write a full written apology also arrange to meet with mother and daughter so he can apologise in person, ban him from seeing the so called friend who would do that to his gf, make him watch videos regrading consent and also inform the school so they can send you more stuff to advise on this, oh and if you find anything on his phone the whole response would change

Your son was party to a group chat pressuring a minor for indecent images of a child - herself. If I was her mum I'd have the police at your door and the other little scumbag's door first thing this morning.

If I was you and this was my son - there would be no phones for the foreseeable, no tech, no football, no seeing this friend and no door on his bedroom. If he's so keen to violate privacy he can get a taste of it. How well they knew to get rid of the chat.

Then I'd probably kick his arse from one side of the house to the other - if you don't come down like a tonne of bricks on this sort of behaviour, then don't be surprised when he's later party to a more serious sexual offence. Will it still be ok when it's his friend doing most of it?

You sound like a great mum.
Apart from the moral aspect of it, maybe he needs to understand the legal ramifications.
@drelo2 Even though he is underage, he has asked an underage child for sexual assault material. If he receives that or even has it from being shared he is in possession of sexual assault material. That is a criminal record that will stop him getting many careers in the future.

He’s 15 and therefore immature. As the mother of daughters I would want you to impress on him very strongly that this is a sexual offence, that it’s very wrong and why it’s wrong. I would want you to educate him on consent and talk to him about coercion and bullying. I would want you to understand that I might go to the police and that you and your son should be honest with them. I would want you to impress on him the importance of not going along with any form of bullying. I would also want you to tell him that this is so serious that he could be convicted of a sexual offence. I would also want you to check his phone regularly for a while and tell him that he needs to rebuild your trust. I would be very angry and upset but I would also make allowances for his age. Do you know his friend’s parents? Unless they are also taking this extremely seriously I would be strongly discouraging the friendship.