To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

[drelo2]

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

Check if the girl and her parents want to contact the school. They should be informed for safeguarding purposes, even if just to prevent gossip and bullying.

Absolutely. This is so fucking awful.

This

Jeez, there is no such thing as child pornography because a child cannot consent to engaging in the taking of sexual images or videos for distribution. It is known as illicit images of children and is a crime involving the sexual abuse of a child. Is that clear enough?

What do you mean you tried to talk to him?

You need to be the adult and tell him to shut up and listen to you. Don't let him blame his mate. He needs to own up to his part and he did play a part, he was there so he's as guilty as his mate. He's 15 old enough to understand what he's done wrong, which is probably why he's not wanting to listen. But as I've said you are the adult and his parent.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and It was your DD?

Please also direct your message to every other poster who has called this child pornography, not just me.

Please also read my other posts wrt my thoughts and feelings of the wording.

^this^

Not surprised OP hasn’t come back , she came asking for advice and a lot of that advice was sons a pedo , rapist throw him to the police. Get him on the sex offender register.

Yes this is serious and yes serious
conversations need to be had, but really as mum of a son and daughter there’s steps that can be taken at this stage .

Its hard parenting teenagers especially with social media and it’s important to have these conversations with teenagers in the hope it prevents incidents like this or your child being caught up in .

I sure 100% no parent wants to start the day receiving that text . I’m also not sure in 3 years time if my son was sat in friends bedroom could I be 100% he would get up and leave , come home and tell me why he left , if something he knew was wrong was happening . Of course I would hope so and will remind myself to make sure I have these conversations with him . Hopefully also with talks in school he will know what’s the right thing to do .

I really think some parents would be totally shocked to know what their teenagers are up to . I’m sure all the kids that walk round the back of Ds school at home time vaping are not doing it at home . I found out dds close friend was using those balloon canister things at party’s . The conversations we’ve had how she’s not to go near them , I don’t think she ever would .

I hope Ds doesn’t start vaping but the amount that do at his school it’s a worry as he gets older with peer pressure.

Good luck Op and would definitely follow advise of girls parents before involving school .

It is a criminal offence for anyone under 18 to send or receive naked images and having images of her would be classed as having indecent images of a child. If you check his phone and view images you would also be in trouble (technically) so don't do that.
Warn him of the above and make him read the statements on everyone's invited page. Then have a conversation about consent and respect.
Boys will do this because they think they have the right to. The fact that others joined a group chat to bully her into this just shows the level of entitlement.

The girls mum may well report this matter to the Police so be prepared for that.

The worst thing to do is tell a teenager to shut up. Communication needs to open up so they can talk about consent and respect.

@Sallydimebar

Whilst I agree with your post that we can’t all know 100% what teenagers are doing and if behaving appropriately etc. the reality is it’s too late for ‘talking’ to some degree as it’s out of OPs control. She can punish and re-educate but this is hanging over them until/if the girl decides not to go to the police. 5 mins of stupidity can change your life, literally.

Mba1974 · Today 20:38
I can’t tell you how you should handle it, other than very seriously, but as the parent of a young teenage girl I can tell you this is an absolute red line for me, and I would be involving both the police and the school DSL, no equivocation on either. The repercussions for a girl of having nudes/partial nudes potentially screenshot and shared are too serious to ignore, or bat away as a “silly mistake”. I think if her parents reaction has been to reach out to the parents of the boys involved vs involving the authorities you have got away very very lightly. It would not be the response of myself or anyone I know.

This 100%

Totally gross. Poor girl.

He’d be one sorry boy if he were my son.

You need to go through a big explanation. Sit him down and explain about consent, about how it's illegal to have underage nude photos, about the pressure men can face to go along with someone that's wrong for banter but that if he knows it's wrong he needs to break the cycle and speak up. Just know what you're going to tell him and teach him here will reflect on his future relationship with women and if you want him to treat them right then it starts here. Also I'd ensure he properly apologised and make sure the girl is well supported after the incident. I don't think simply punishing him and taking his phone is going to be in depth enough to explain why what he did was wrong and how he's helped traumatised a girl.

I'd involve police

I agree with the majority off most Mums, no phone for a very long time, it is also very important to explain why he's not going back to his friends home & that their not such a friend & not the type off friend/friends to be associating with & what it's led too buy having such so called friend/s that their behaviour is very unacceptable, I have a 13 yrs of age Son & just hope he never gets involved in this type off behaviour! Think it would bring on heart failure, this world we all share has become so much worse its shocking!

I forget to mention the reason for explaining why he's not going back to his friends home is because if its not said why, he will just go behind his parents back & continue with what he's doing, some parents think they don't need to explain so some children or teenagers will just do what they want without any thought as to what the consequences will be, I'd rather my or any child know the reason why such behaviour is unacceptable than for them to later say you never told me about the wrongs & right way off life!

Your question is odd. Why do parents of girls need to guide you on this? You know what he's done is wrong. He knows it's wrong.

Your question is odd. Why do parents of girls need to guide you on this? You know what he's done is wrong. He knows it's wrong

considering o/p has long gone I’m wondering if she wanted the conditioned female reaction, which is to be the peacemaker, say thank you for an apology and smooth things over so as not to make this poor boy’s life difficult.

not quite how it went…

@PutinSmellsPassItOn I think the OP should show him your post, if not this full thread, so he at least grasps the enormity of what he has done. And, while he may well see himself as an innocent bystander, he absolutely should've stepped in and stopped it.

I think his blaming someone else would be of concern to me. I would say to my son that if he thinks something isn't right, a friend is doing something that he doesn't agree with he needs to take responsibility: say they need to stop, it's wrong and if necessary leave the room, the building whatever and talk to an adult or responsible person if something really bad is being done. Our children need to stand up for what's right, not be sheep. I agree with the other posters about removing phone and some freedoms and asking him to apologise.

Se could, but se would also be guilty of sending explicit photos to minors

This!!

Oh FFS. Given that she is the victim of the main crime, and she will have evidence of being coerced/harassed, the police will not be interested in charging her. It's utterly ridiculous to claim otherwise.

The number of responses claiming that she'll be prosecuted is shocking. It's almost as if some people have a vested interest in putting women and girls off reporting to the police....

@TwilightDreams My responsibility is towards my child first and foremost and then to society more broadly so as to ensure these matters come out into the open so they get dealt with. Based on your logic I would not monitor my child just in case I saw indecent pictures of another child. When life happens in the shadows, behind iphone screens, the risk is parents are entirely unaware and therefore fail to respond or parent appropriately. We have a collective responsibility here. Personally I don't operate in maybe's or what if's - only facts. I monitor my child precisely so that I do know the facts and can respond accordingly.

As a mother of a daughter I would be grateful to a mother who was monitoring her son and alerted me to compromising pictures my daughter had sent her son. Conversely, if my daughter was being asked for indecent images, I would alert the school DSL so the matter could be dealt with accordingly. So yes, I would be OK with other parents seeing those images. Would I like it? Obviously not.

It's disingenuous to imply that such images are or could be 'private' - privacy does not exist in this space. Call it what it is: pornography. The purpose of making it is so that it can be viewed and distributed. All I can do is teach my daughter that should she choose to send such a picture that is precisely what she would be doing. It's my responsibility to make sure she understands that in making and sending that image it will almost inevitably be seen by a great many people. It's up to me to prepare her for the pressure and coercion she will sadly face to provide this type of image in the hope that when she faces the situation she will feel equipped to keep herself safe, and preserve her own dignity. Similarly, it's up to me to equip her to respond to similar situations she becomes aware of - for example, friends who are being pestered for this content so that collectively girls can support each other to be safe in this space.