To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

[drelo2]

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

One of the (many) things that’s disturbing me about this is DS’ friend already thinks it’s ok to ‘share’ his girlfriend. So not only does he pester her, but he does it in front of others and wants others to view her body as well.

I’m so angry I can’t even type a response to that without it being deleted.

This boy and your son need a serious intervention to course correct their very wrong legal and moral compasses.

If it were me I'd let the victims mum know that you checked his phone and the chat was deleted, but regardless you would support them in reporting to the police if they choose to. I would also want to know if I could get a copy of the messages because frankly I suspect he's minimising his involvement, and if so he should be punished for that as well.

Directly with your son I'd remove his phone and laptop. Any hobbies including football would off the cards and he would be grounded until he could be trusted, and heavy monitored after that. He knew fine well it was wrong or he wouldn't have deleted the chat. I'd let the school know too.

I don’t think it’s slut shaming to talk about teaching young women assertiveness. Someone unthread wrote that the boys clubbed together to force her. They weren’t physically there so they pressured her rather than forced her and girls need to know it’s okay to put down the phone and say a loud NO! This doesn’t minimise what the boys did at all. The culpability is entirely there’s .

Also, in your second post you wrote:

I did try and talk to him about boundaries the dangers of sending and receiving nudes underage and he just kept saying it wasn't his idea

This wouldn't be good enough for me. There should be no "trying" to have a talk, in fact I'd be having that talk several times. And the biggest issue here isn't boundaries or "nudes underage" it's that he and his friend sexually harassed and coerced someone into doing something she wasn't comfortable with. The conversation should be about consent, sex crimes and consequences and how utterly disappointed and disgusted you are

@BatsAtDawn

I agree. We haven’t had an update from the OP but the initial posts are very passive relative to the seriousness of their actions.

Whatever happens, one thing that's likely to be a certainty is that all three involved have set off, and will have to accept, the respective consequences, and that the home grown consequences may be small potatoes compared to the likely route of going to the police and school safeguarding. Potentially he is thinking at the level of losing his phone and not going to football; it may be much more and it sounds as if the circumstances could go that way.

If the girl's family chooses to report, then the conversations can't be scrubbed away (as has been attempted) because investigations will retrieve them, and will show what involvement each person had and whether they shared. Neither boy will be able to lie or hide, and the fact they may have tried, will not do them any favours. The girl may also have a difficult time in terms of having to give statements, be involved as long as this lasts even when it is very hard, lose trust in former friends, be treated differently by school authority, and be affected by what they did.

You are going to have to support your DS but also support and respect the girl's decision, and her reasons for that.

@drelo2 whatsapp has a setting where no-one can add you to a group without your approving the invitation. That makes people think about whether or not they want to accept any group chat invite. When your DS gets a phone back in future then get that turned on - no longer can he say "someone else added me to the chat". He has to make a conscious decision to join it.

I won't repeat much of what has been said above. I would add that I would remove all contact from the "friend" as best you can. No football etc. He still has to go to school though.

I’ve a daughter and if this was her I would be straight on the phone to the police to report this. For starters they are still underage. Sexual harassment at its finest. You need to be taking his phone of him and checking this group chat. No excuses and no blame game. He was in the group chat and did nothing to prevent this from happening!

100% make sure he knows if the girls mum goes to the police with this he will be prosecuted

Even if he didn’t instigate it he was a bystander that didn’t intervene to stop the sexual harassment of a child.

My DD has been asked for nudes by 3 different boys between ages of 13-15. I was all over her phone but they sent the requests on Snapchat so the message disappears once read. Always came to my attention after the event, usually after a conversation with her and none of the boys were at her school… sports clubs etc. I have insisted she deleted their no / had nothing to do with him and spoken with her as nauseum about what is appropriate. It goes on A LOT! More than you’d believe. Our son is 10 … when he goes to high school and he gets a phone, he will be made very clear by myself, DH and DD how girls feel about this treatment and what consequences he will face. Kids at his school have had phones since year 3 .. when they were 7. It’s always kicking off on the class group chat, kids getting booted out of the group and mean treatment. It’s too young - tbh. By the time they’re 15, they’ve just about got it, but it’s an ongoing conversation in our house.

Ask him to strip naked so you can take a photo and put it on Facebook, if he says no, keep on and on at him and then ask him if he's comfortable with it.

if your boy was even vaguely aware-and didnt intervene im afraid...hes as guilty as perpetrator.
what you allow will continue.
disintrest is not excuseable either.
hes lucky mums got in touch with you. if possible you and rest of mums should realistically discuss consequences.

I would be bloody furious! Boys need to know no means NO ! What they’ve done is sexual harassment and if I was that girls mother I’d be calling the police!
This is as bad it gets imo and I wouldn’t be allowing any further sleepovers and I’d confiscate his phone.
Explain to him that blaming his friend isn’t good enough, they’re both accountable and tell him if the mother went to the police he would have a criminal record! This would affect his prospects of not only careers but travel abroad too!

Was this on whatsapp? If so can't you restore deleted chats? Im sure by deleting then reinstalling it and choosing to "restore" history or something, all old chats appear.

There's no need to restore the chat OP. You know that he did it and that he's been sneaky enough to wipe his phone. I'd have his phone off him (keep it in case the police ask for it) I'd be trying to find a course for him to attend, and he would be writing a proper heart felt apology to the girl and her mother. Its disgusting. You must be very disappointed

If I was the girls mum I would definitely be going to the police

I am so sorry - what an awful thing to discover. Teenagers do the most stupid things but he won’t be the first or the last! I think getting ur son to ‘own’ his actions is critical. No point going ballistic as he will just lie to avoid the conflict. Talk through the legalities/ramifications/worst case scenarios ie scare the shit out of him. Talk about why he doesn’t respect that girl - what would he do if a boy asked his sister for nudes etc? Or if a man asked u for pervy pics. Boys of that age don’t always think bigger picture or of consequences - now is the time to open that convo.

ps I am glad that all these other people have such perfect children. In my experience those of the parents who have no clue what their kids are up to!

This! Some if these comments are absolutely nuts. He needs to be punished but he’s not a rapist. He’s a 15 year old boy.

Ew, do NOT frame if as if it were his own mother or sister - he should respect women/not sexually coerce them full stop without the need to position it as to how he would feel if it were a family member.

I wouldn’t. As if I was the mother I would have gone straight to the police and let them handle it.

This is a sex crime.

As the mother of a teenage boy and preteen girl I would ask the girls mum if she has screenshots of what your son said so that you can punish him in proportion to his involvement because although being involved at all isn’t good if he hardly said a word then he shouldn’t be punished as much as the boy that was repeatedly asking. If however your son was also asking and piling on then as a mother it would be more useful for you to know so that you can really drive home how serious it is. I would also take away the phone for a short time as a punishment. Phones are too often turned into tools for bullying and peer pressure by adults let alone teens that are more prone to the behaviours to “fit in” and less likely to think through consequences. It’s important to try to teach our teens that it isn’t what they should be for.

I'd be asking the school to have an assembly reminding them about consent, and the Law. Sending or receiving pics of under 16s is against the law. Possibly under 18s. Ask your son whether he wants friends like that. I'd be reassuring your friend that your DS wasn't involved. Although if he didn't speak up in her defence then actually he needs to grow up and realise that sometimes not intervening is just as bad.

Basically he could have deleted stuff - did you check recently deleted files/ insta/ snap etc. So if his mate decided to assault or rape a girl he’d find that absolutely ok because he ( claims he) was not the instigator?! “ will see him at football” - sorry- what? There’s an easy fix for that ….. Sorry but it like you are being very half hearted about your son breaking the law, being complicit in bullying and coercing an under age child. At the very minimum the phone goes, football goes and school gets notified. As others have said , it’s a learning experience and most youngsters mess up at some time - how seriously you take this will contribute to what sort of man your son becomes.

@Queuesarasarah Possession of indecent imagery of a minor. This is a big deal. I’m astonished any parent can’t see the issue.