Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

438 replies

drelo2 · 09/10/2022 13:36

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

OP posts:
pinkpantherpink · 10/10/2022 18:40

drelo2 · 09/10/2022 14:10

I do check DS’s phone regularly and have today (before I told him what the girls mum told me) and nothing was on it, not even the group chat. DS has said he doesn't know if the friend has screenshotted anything. I did try and talk to him about boundaries and the dangers of sending and receiving nudes underage and he just kept saying it wasn't his idea as apparently the friend had asked DS if he's ever had sex and then seemed to have been showing off by asking the girl, obviously I don't know if he's telling the truth. The girl doesn't go to the same school as DS or his friend but I still might mention it to them.

I would now follow advice of safeguarding person. report to school and get advice and materials to support conversation. Third person needs to be addressed as he no doubt has same convo with others. Red flag there. School needs to others conversation as advised x

WhatsAVideo · 10/10/2022 18:44

niugboo · 10/10/2022 18:39

@Queuesarasarah Possession of indecent imagery of a minor. This is a big deal. I’m astonished any parent can’t see the issue.

Show quote history

Parents of boys, quite obvious.

Bugbabe1970 · 10/10/2022 18:47

Confiscate his phone and any other social media outlets and give him the bollocking of his life

Talia99 · 10/10/2022 18:49

Lots of people have been mentioning photos of under 16s being child porn. It’s actually under 18s, there’s just a statutory defence for photos of a 16 and 17 year old (enduring relationship), plus if the photos are fully consensual and the two parties are of a similar age, it’s less likely to be in the public interest to prosecute.

That doesn’t affect the OP’s son in this case, but it may be relevant to other people’s children. As can be seen from this thread, a lot of people don’t realise a 16 or 17 year old can consent to sex but not always to nudes.

Diamondsareforever123 · 10/10/2022 18:52

Take the phone off him. Absolutely grounded with no privileges. Talk to him with your DH. Alert school safeguarding officer. Your son has to realise this is a crime and how it can impact on the girl's life. It's like rape. Really sorry that your son has got involved in this it's bloody horrible.

MumMRM · 10/10/2022 18:53

I would ask if I could speak to the girl and gently ask her what involvement my son had.

csigeek · 10/10/2022 18:55

He needs a conversation about advocacy. Just because he might not have been asking for nudes he really did nothing to stop the others from doing it which is just as bad. As a man he needs to advocate for women, tell his friends they are being seriously inappropriate and it’s not cool.
Walking away and leaving them to carry on is not the right thing to do however hard it might be to stand up for what is right.

Pottedpalm · 10/10/2022 18:56

@neverbeenskiing
if this was reported to you (as safeguarding lead), are you obliged to take it to the police?
Have you had to do so? What were the outcomes?

HJP66 · 10/10/2022 19:04

33JM · 10/10/2022 18:23

I am so sorry - what an awful thing to discover. Teenagers do the most stupid things but he won’t be the first or the last! I think getting ur son to ‘own’ his actions is critical. No point going ballistic as he will just lie to avoid the conflict. Talk through the legalities/ramifications/worst case scenarios ie scare the shit out of him. Talk about why he doesn’t respect that girl - what would he do if a boy asked his sister for nudes etc? Or if a man asked u for pervy pics. Boys of that age don’t always think bigger picture or of consequences - now is the time to open that convo.

ps I am glad that all these other people have such perfect children. In my experience those of the parents who have no clue what their kids are up to!

I agree with this and other observations that some responses are over the top. He is a 15 year old who has made a stupid mistake - not a rapist or a sex pest. He has been very disrespectful, reckless and irresponsible and he needs to understand why, so absolutely throw the book at him, but don't go to the police or the school.
I wouldn’t assume he’s lying about his level of involvement either - the friend's gf’s own mum says it was the friend who was asking her DD for nudes and that it was mainly the friend. I would manage this between yourselves as parents if you can.
The problem is the fact that the GF felt pressured, so your son needs to understand how serious it is to either put pressure on a girl and not accept a no and that he should remove himself or step in (safely) when someone else is doing something he is not comfortable with.
But, he needs to know he can trust you when he’s made a mistake and telling on him removes this trust. You should accept that the girl’s parents might though and be ready for it.

BeverForget · 10/10/2022 19:06

He is 15, and if this girl is 15, it is child pornography.
No big deal right now, per se.
But if she decides in a few years to press charges, that makes for an awkward Uni conversation for the male.
Any longer than that, the male abuser will be looking at jail time.

Snowpatrolsnowpatrol · 10/10/2022 19:07

Can you stop minimising this OP. Talking about 'nudes' and 'mentioning' it to him.

I'd take him to the police station and leave him in no doubt whatsoever of how he behaved.

And take the phone off him. He's clearly not responsible enough to have it.

Thefsm · 10/10/2022 19:08

I’d want to go to the police if it was my child. My 13 year old daughter ended up swapping buses with a boyfriend who pressured her into it and if he hadn’t sent ones back I would have totally reported it. Instead I took her phone and moved her to a different school.

Rocketclub · 10/10/2022 19:09

As476 · 09/10/2022 13:40

Take the phone away. He’s clearly not mature enough nor responsible enough to have one.

Then have a serious chat about consent and boundaries as clearly he has no respect for those or doesn’t understand them either.

This

I’d wipe the floor with the little sod. They are taught about consent and boundaries in PsHCE

no phone for the little bugger
picked straight up from school and dropped to school
id report it to the school

does he know about coercive behaviour and harassment??
if not I’d be fucking spelling it out

regarding the other parents - I’d be saying the above to them and he’d be apologising
but for the next 6 months he can forget having a phone

Rocketclub · 10/10/2022 19:10

Oh and it’s not nudes it is child pornography

Yerroblemom1923 · 10/10/2022 19:11

Report them both to the police.

Rowthe · 10/10/2022 19:13

I'd want him castrated.

But in the real world this isnt an option.

I'd be ringing the Police.

I'd do what I could to make the kids life hell.

Yerroblemom1923 · 10/10/2022 19:15

@Rocketclub no such thing as"child pornography". Childrdn can't consent. This is child abuse. As the parent of a DD, I'd be involving the police so these boys can be put on the sex offenders register so as to keep other girls/ young women safe in future.
Sad that they've ruined their lives at such a young age but just not acceptable.

Londonbabyland · 10/10/2022 19:16

Police can run forensics on phone and restore deleted data. Girls dad (or the like) should have a talk with your ds. alone.

niugboo · 10/10/2022 19:19

@WhatsAVideo I have boys.

Yerroblemom1923 · 10/10/2022 19:24

And yes to removing all his devices as police will want to fully check them also for other evidence of illegal activity. Don't give him a chance to tamper with the evidence as they need to know what sites etc he's been looking at.

C8H10N4O2 · 10/10/2022 19:35

Guess what, the police will question the girls account too? That’s what an investigation does. That is due process, to find out what actually happened

That is my point - you are not the police, you are the parent in this situation and you stated you would decide if there was anything worth following up.

The default for any crime is absolutely to get to the bottom of it so all perpetrators are caught and duly punished

Well we know that isn't true is it? We live in a culture where rape and sexual assault are largely punishment free crimes and rape culture is fostered in the media and by parents and institutions which minimise and downplay the "small" stuff. You have talked this down in a culture where a girl is raped every day in our schools and innumerable sexual assaults take place.

That process is not removed here from this boy, like it or not!

Then why are you taking it upon yourself to decide if its worth taking further when the boy here has stated very clearly that an incident of abuse and sharing indecent images has taken place?

And you certainly did misrepresent the general tone of the comments by cherry picking a couple of the most extreme.

Its really simple - the first place this goes to is the school safeguarding team. They, not you, should determine initially whether its a police issue.

notprettybeautiful · 10/10/2022 19:38

-Involve the school by telling them everything you know so they can increase education on consent etc

-Go through his phone and also make sure there are parental controls on there so he has to have permission to install apps and browser restrictions for porn and so on (all parents should be doing this. Just like you'd keep tabs and make sure teens aren't hanging around dodgy areas/people).
-Massive, ongoing conversation about consent and how to be respectful to women/partners. Include media he can relate to. It will take longer than 1 lecture.
-Punishment. No screen time? Grounded?
-Restitution. Eg. Write a letter apologising and explaining why what happened was wrong.
-More education. This is a great learning experience for all of them.

Frankola · 10/10/2022 19:46

I have a DD. If this happened to her I'd be going straight to the police and reporting it to school. I'd also be messaging the parents of these boys.

It's not acceptable to be asking girls for photos. Especially underage ones. That behaviour needs to be stamped out now before those boys do it again.

Burnamer · 10/10/2022 19:52

He has better IT skills than you OP. You need to up your game. He knows you sometime look through his phone so deleted it as a matter of course.

WhackingPhoenix · 10/10/2022 19:54

Do as my mum did when I was that age...she rang him constantly until he answered and he cried in fear and shame when she threatened to report him to the police Grin