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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 08/10/2022 22:51

He’s full of shit.

You are your children deserve so much better than this twat. Get them out of his house, stop being his bill-paying housekeeper and make your own life. I’m sorry this has happened. I implore you not to waste your life settling for his fickle crumbs and lies.

Stravaig · 08/10/2022 22:51

he got upset when I didn't wear my engagement ring to the Gym.
He was miffed, but I laughed it off. Do you think this is the reason?

This won't be the reason he broke off the engagement. However it does strongly suggest that he sees the ring as a symbol of ownership, like a brand or the ear tag on livestock. Run!

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:52

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:49

He just called me.

I was a bit off with him, and straight away he got defensive and said he won't bother calling me if I'm going to be like this. I told him we need to have a serious chat when he got home, about engagement etc, and that I'm not happy with lots of things.

His reply was "well, great. That's something to look forward to after all the stress and hardwork I've been doing. Thanks a bunch!"

And then he hung up!

He seems to have you trained to expect nothing.... And is happy to be rude and disrespectful.

Oh and it is beyond ridiculous that, habig dropped the bomb he's dropped, with no explanation... That he expects you to be civil, pleasant and neutral.

You're not even allowed to react normally/like a human to his behaviour... Without being told to pipe down, be nice or be cut off.

DaughterofDawn · 08/10/2022 22:54

OP in my experience men who are seriously into you are kind of like little kids. They don’t contemplate or think really hard about stuff. They charge stupidky ahead into the relationship blindly even if it’s at their own expense. I’m sorry he is acting like this. But I highly doubt it is something you have done wrong.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:54

He's going onmabout the week he's had, his work etc .... Having essentially reneged on a marriage (!!!!!) and expects that you ve the focus, and you to be nice and pleasant and accompanying... Because he's had a busy/hard work week..

It's def all about him, isn't it.wven when he's dropping bombs and resting you like shit, it should be about his hard working week.

And he's shown you how you get punished if you don't go along with it.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:55

*accommodating

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:57

@LemonDrop22 Maybe. I went through so much counselling though, did that bloody "The Dominator" course, which was basically "this is a good man, this is a bad man". I think it's probably just who I am as a person. I hate conflict and want everyone to be happy!

OP posts:
StClare101 · 08/10/2022 22:59

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:57

@LemonDrop22 Maybe. I went through so much counselling though, did that bloody "The Dominator" course, which was basically "this is a good man, this is a bad man". I think it's probably just who I am as a person. I hate conflict and want everyone to be happy!

You are putting yourself last which is not healthy. Everyone should be happy but you?

Sandra1984 · 08/10/2022 23:01

It’s all about him OP, he’s groomed you into being accommodating to his needs and to expect nothing. Any demands are met with anger and silent treatment. I would give him an ultimatum with a deadline “we either get married in 6 months or I’m out of here”. I would start putting my ducks in a row from now on. You’ve been putting up with shyte for a long time and that’s what he’s used to.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 23:01

I'm sorry for drip feeding too - I'm just updating as I remember things, or when they happen!

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 08/10/2022 23:01

He may not be physically abusive but he’s very emotionally abusive.

AhNowTed · 08/10/2022 23:04

He's a selfish prick.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 23:06

I think that sometimes you think "we all have bad patches, we've just got to get through" I am in no way perfect, I overthink everything and want to talk everything through - which I understand is exhausting sometimes. He knows my past, and everything, but it's one of the reasons I joined the gym. When I feel overwhelmed and anxious I go and blast it out on the equipment, and feel much better afterwards.

I'm going tomorrow morning!

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 23:06

we either get married in 6 months or I’m out of here”

Op shouldn't stay with this fkr, let alone marry him.

DaughterofDawn · 08/10/2022 23:09

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:57

@LemonDrop22 Maybe. I went through so much counselling though, did that bloody "The Dominator" course, which was basically "this is a good man, this is a bad man". I think it's probably just who I am as a person. I hate conflict and want everyone to be happy!

“I want everyone to be happy!” You are a people pleaser. This is a difficult habit to break. I recommend you focus on changing this though. I have found one I broke the people pleaser habit it everyone was actually a lot happier because I was more honest and predictable. They knew exactly what I liked and I didn’t like and everyone knew what to expect from me. Sometimes the best kindness is saying no even if it makes someone else unhappy.

After all what is the point of “everyone” being happy if it is at your expense? Make yourself happy!

Sandra1984 · 08/10/2022 23:09

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 23:06

we either get married in 6 months or I’m out of here”

Op shouldn't stay with this fkr, let alone marry him.

Sadly you are right.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 23:10

Stravaig · 08/10/2022 22:51

he got upset when I didn't wear my engagement ring to the Gym.
He was miffed, but I laughed it off. Do you think this is the reason?

This won't be the reason he broke off the engagement. However it does strongly suggest that he sees the ring as a symbol of ownership, like a brand or the ear tag on livestock. Run!

I think this poster had actually hit on a very pertinent point, now you've told us about his behaviour around your ring wearing (or not).

Personally I suspect he's not faithful when working away for months.

Bit like most cheaters he wants you faithful, and like most cheaters he thinks the world is full of people like him; so he wanted that ring on your finger (whether he follows through on marriage or not) to signal to other men that you are "taken", not available, not free, not fair game; to minimise your opportunities for matching his behaviour when he's away.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 23:11

@LemonDrop22 I think I should live alone and adopt some cats instead!

My kids are teenagers now - they are either at sleepovers or on PlayStation. The evenings are lonely, and makes me miss him more. But I knew what he did when I signed up. And maybe I have tolerated more than I should because I missed him so much.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 23:14

He's very suspicious and jumpy and jealous (around you going to the gym and the ring business) for someone who you appear to have given no reason to be.

(I'd also wonder if the story of him being cheated on by his ex partner is the full story.).

Anyway, he wants you to keep wearing it so you're neutralised, to some extent, for opportunities with other men; even though it's utterly meaningless because he's now said he plans to never marry you.

Pixiedust1234 · 08/10/2022 23:14

OP - stop putting yourself down. It is him, not you. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve more.

Sure, wait until you have a face to face discussion but also start looking at your finances and plan an exit in the meantime. Just because its planned doesn't mean you have to do it, but it will put you in a better place emotionally and mentally.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/10/2022 23:14

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:49

He just called me.

I was a bit off with him, and straight away he got defensive and said he won't bother calling me if I'm going to be like this. I told him we need to have a serious chat when he got home, about engagement etc, and that I'm not happy with lots of things.

His reply was "well, great. That's something to look forward to after all the stress and hardwork I've been doing. Thanks a bunch!"

And then he hung up!

Ah the old 'I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to be like this'

In other words, shut your gob, suck it up and toe the line.

No concern for your feelings given what he's dropped on you.

Don't stay with prick for goodness sake

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 23:18

No concern for your feelings given what he's dropped on you.

Yep

"Listen, I've just reneged on a planned wedding, permanently, having been the one to propose twice, let all our friends and family know about it, out a ring on your finger etc ..... But how dare you be confused, angry, stressed, upset or anything like that. How very dare you .. I've had a hard week and it's all about ME .... So stfu or I'll cut you off. You should know your place".

Jackieweaverslobsterphone · 08/10/2022 23:19

I'd go full scorched earth. Get somewhere to stay for when he's next away on a long trip. Then arrange to cut all electricity, gas, broadband off. Move your furniture and yourselves out. Sell or donate his to charity. Scatter grass seeds on the carpets. Water it and lock up. And leave it for the 2 months he's away. Give him a surprise when he comes back.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 23:21

Jackieweaverslobsterphone · 08/10/2022 23:19

I'd go full scorched earth. Get somewhere to stay for when he's next away on a long trip. Then arrange to cut all electricity, gas, broadband off. Move your furniture and yourselves out. Sell or donate his to charity. Scatter grass seeds on the carpets. Water it and lock up. And leave it for the 2 months he's away. Give him a surprise when he comes back.

She might get in trouble for criminal damage.

Besides that takes time and effort that he's not worth.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 23:24

I do feel like the phone call was a slap in the face. And I don't think I deserved it. I do think my feelings are valid, but he doesn't want to hear them. I guess they are a bit of nuisance while he's trying to justify his actions.

He has said previously that he found me submissive. Maybe that's the turn off?

If I tell him it's over and I'm off, maybe he'll want me to stay. Problem is, once I've made my mind up, I don't go back.

I'm so tired of having to play these sorts of games. I just want to be happy.

And I bloody hate packing! (Joking - will obviously do it it if I have to!)

I've had wine . . .

OP posts: