Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

Lol. That would be funny. But probably not a good idea.

I wouldn’t think you being submissive is a turn off to him. Confronting him is what he doesn’t like. It sounds like he wants the adoring gf, pining over him, brimming with admiration and keeping the fires burning at home.

A friend of mine sewed prawns into the hem of her ex's curtains just before she left.

Place stank for months.

I wouldn't do that - I hate sewing!

Look I do BDSM. I can assure there is a difference between being submissive and being used. If he wants you to have squishy boundaries this isn’t the kind of personality trait you want him to be attracted to in the first place.

Under the carpets also works allegedly. And you don’t have to sew, you could just cut a couple of stitches in the hem of the curtain and tuck them in… not that I’m saying you should do this. But thinking about it may be appealing.

I am vacillating between crying and laughing at this point.

I guess I never really thought I'd be back in this situation. And perhaps didn't see clearly what was happening. I suppose that with my ex it was so extreme, that by comparison this wasn't so bad. But I see now that its going down a bad path.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, all of you. Thank you for giving me the kick up the bum I needed. Thank you for listening. I'm off to bed, and try to sleep.

I hope you are all well, safe, and happy!

Goodnight xxx

Keep the ring but just stop wearing it. If he asks, tell him you didn't see the point in wearing it when it's meaningless. If he's sad about that so what, you're sad too.

@Hilarymantelspencilsharpener If he's regularly away for months at a time, are you sure he doesn't have another relationship elsewhere?
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This is my thought too. I know you said you've been to visit him while he's been away, OP, but unless those were surprise visits he would have had time to book into an hotel before your arrival.

There have been lots of magazine and newspaper stories over the years about men with two families - it may be he no longer wants to marry you, because he's married someone else in the meantime.

I hope I'm being sensationalist, and am absolutely wrong. But I don't think from the sound of things that you - and ultimately your children - are going to have a happy ending with this man.

YABVU

You need to value yourself more because he doesn't value you at all.

Why should you be sympathetic to his stress and hard work when he’s only doing it to feather his own nest, it’s not like it’s family money. He’s really landed on his feet finding someone who actually pays for the privilege of house sitting for him while he’s away - no wonder he doesn’t want to give that up!

He sounds horrible (and dodgy as fuck with never being available).

If he doesn't want to marry, that's his privilege, just as it's yours to leave if he won't. The very least I'd do now is start saving every penny I had with an eye to being able to leave if/when you decide to.

I'd give the ring back and tell him that an engagement ring is a promise to marry. He's reneged on that promise so it's no longer appropriate for you to wear the ring. But just be prepared that he'll probably say 'We'll marry at some point' to get the ring back on your finger. Up to you, but I wouldn't believe him unless he was willing to set a date no more than 6 months in the future.

Personally, I think he sees you wearing that ring as a big 'No Trespassing' sign to other men you may encounter. That they'll see the ring and think 'no chance' and won't try to flirt/connect with you. He doesn't want to marry, but he doesn't want to take the chance the you may meet some other man who does!

I think the 7 months away with work is a bit odd, because everything I know in the construction industry are fly in/out roles on rotating fixed shifts. Sure there is an element of overtime about these jobs but 7 months away from home doesn’t sound right..

he isn’t caught up in the Chinese building industry meltdown is he? Has he been paid regularly? Do you have access to his accounts to know?

I’m so sorry you are going through this. 😔

You need more than “he’s not violent” as a basis for a relationship or marriage. He’d be sad if you gave the ring back? Has it not occurred to him that his behaviour hasn’t upset you? Are you 100% sure he is purely away on business and doesn’t have another family tucked away somewhere? I’d give him the ring back and move out. I’m sorry that your previous partner was abusive, but it seems that this has caused you to blame yourself and set your expectations too low.

Don’t doubt yourself OP, you haven’t done anything wrong. He’s the one who’s gone back on a promise and isn’t behaving well. He doesn’t seem trustworthy and though it’s a shock now, you could have ended up in an unhappy marriage.
I wouldn’t be wearing the engagement ring (since he’s broken the engagement off) nor unpacking for him and doing his washing. I’m glad you have a good friend and escape route, but sorry for the hurt you are going through and how it’s bringing up past insecurities.

I hope you wouldn’t marry him now even if he did a complete u turn. There are too many red flags and you deserve better.

Don’t give the ring back, just stop wearing it NOW so that you are used to this when he gets back. count how long it takes him to notice…

Him: ‘Oh where’s the ring I gave you?’
You: ‘Oh, do you mean the ring that says that we are going to get married?’
Him ‘Um, er …’
You: ‘We book the date tomorrow at Registry Office, right? ‘

But joking aside, do you want to be married to this man who vacillates about commitment & is not there most of the time? Do you want to be with this man, married or as you are now?

The latest phone call where he mouthed off at your suggestion to have a conversation … he’s got his finger on the trigger and he’s about to say ‘you made me do it’; he’s shutting you down. This would be terminal for me. How long is he due to be home on this visit? I’d agree an orderly exit plan to wind up the relationship, move out at a time that suits you, and start a new life. Sorry.

similar happened to a work colleague, he couldn't marry her as he had married his pregnant girlfriend abroad but wanted to keep both women, she onlyfound out by digging.

Cherchez la femme.

@expat101 I am also perplexed by the nature of his work/pressures of same.

Further, regular lengthy trips in a five year relationship has me wondering: how much actual time has this couple spent as a couple either with or without kids around?

Anyway, anyone being 'that' cavalier with my feelings and life would definitely find an empty house on his return, with the ring sitting somewhere prominent with no accompanying note.

He's training you to accept this crap as normal.

Have a good sleep tonight and clear your head in the morning.

Use the time while he is away to find somewhere else to live for you and DC. Then just move out and leave the ring. Or take it with you and sell it. Up to you.

You don't need to let him know anything about your plans.

Let him come home to an empty house.

You're just his bloody housekeeper at the moment. I think your abusive ex manes your boundaries are low. Have a think about some counselling too.

Sorry. But you deserve much better than this.

He gets a house sitter and someone to show his family while he has a double life. He could even be gay and not wanting to come out to his family.