Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 08/10/2022 22:04

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:00

@LemonDrop22

Before he met me, he had 2 non serious relationships which he said went nowhere and only lasted a few months.

He was in a relationship with a lady with whom he had a son. He stayed with her for 17 years, but left when he found out she had an affair. They never married. He felt too young.

We spoke about his feelings on this, and he said he never really blamed her as they had both fallen out of love, but he stayed for his son. They're still friends now.

He felt too young to ever get married in a relationship he was in for 17 YEARS? And you nodded along to that? Instead of asking what did you get together when you were five years old or are you just full of shit?

HowcanIhelp123 · 08/10/2022 22:07

Send him a message. 'Engagement is a promise to get married. You've regenaged on that promise so we are no longer engaged, therefore I am returning the ring and will not be wearing it. Why would I wear an engagment ring when we're no longer engaged?'

Honestly it sounds like you're massively being taken advantage of. You're there to play house when he wants you and you look after everything while he's gone with none of the legal ties.

mathanxiety · 08/10/2022 22:08

@Davegrohlsnewwife

This man has been paying monthly for an asset that is appreciating in value (the house) while you have spent money you'll never see again on food for you both and for the children, for your car, etc.. You've done DIY on his house which has saved him money and contributed to the appreciation in value.
Of course he wants you to stay, and he didn't mean what he said! Hmm

He doesn't like video calling because you would see where he is and who he is with.

He has someone else. You are probably both supporting him.

Get out of there as fast as you can. Find a place to rent ASAP.

He has been screwing you over since Day 1.

For the future - no wedding, no money.

StoneofDestiny · 08/10/2022 22:08

You want a lifelong commitment and a partnership of equals. He doesn't. Just tell him you see no future is this mismatch .................tell him you are worth more than that.

StoneofDestiny · 08/10/2022 22:10

And - if he has called off the engagement and told you to keep the ring, keep it and sell it.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 08/10/2022 22:12

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:15

He wants neither now.

I think unfortunately OP that tells you what you need to know

Use the time he's away to get sorted, pack your stuff and get a place for you and your kids

This is going nowhere

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:16

He stayed with her for 17 years, but left when he found out she had an affair. They never married. He felt too young.

Too young, together for nearly 20 years??!!

Even if they got together when he was 10 (!), he'd have been 27 and not too young to marry, especially having a child with his partner.

I think we can therefore draw the conclusion from the 3 previous relationships that he's never commited to anyone then.

Even when he and his partner had a child together, he didn't commit.

tillytown · 08/10/2022 22:17

Even before he broke up with you over the phone he was taking you for a fool. Why were you packing his bag for him? Why were you paying all the bills? He has done you a favour tbh, whatever spell he had over you has now broken and you can see how much of a mug he was taking you for.
I also hate video calls, absolutely hate them, but I do them when I have important news I need to tell someone and I can't be there face to face, stop putting up with his disrespect.

EmmaH2022 · 08/10/2022 22:18

OP "but he usually talks to me if I have upset him, and vice versa."

do you mean your normal method of conversation is to talk as if one of you has upset the other? Why? Or is it a jokey thing?

you need to have a proper conversation. Has he got cold feet?

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:18

So he doesn't answer emails (apparently because he's dyslexic), he doesn't answer his phone in the daytime and at other times, he's doesnt like video calling .....

He's not exactly communicative, accessible or contactable, is he?

You do have to wonder why that is.

I'd swear he has another relationship/s. The baulking in the marriage may well be due to that.

Hardworkingmum29 · 08/10/2022 22:21

Hey OP, you are NOT being unreasonable. Yes it sounds slightly controlling because why would he want you to wear an engagement ring but not want to marry you? Could it be that he wants a small ceremony but not a big wedding? Is it a finance issue? I am in a similar boat except I do not have a ring- I am dying for a proposal thats never gonna come etc. But he's the father of my kids and I love him etc.. so u get your position.

Your feelings are totally valid and I imagine like myself you feel quite strung on?

EmmaH2022 · 08/10/2022 22:22

EmmaH2022 · 08/10/2022 22:18

OP "but he usually talks to me if I have upset him, and vice versa."

do you mean your normal method of conversation is to talk as if one of you has upset the other? Why? Or is it a jokey thing?

you need to have a proper conversation. Has he got cold feet?

Sorry, I got the wrong end of the stick here, ignore me!

ForestofD · 08/10/2022 22:24

I know you've only given us a snapshot of your life, but it does all seem to be on his terms doesn't it?

booklover21 · 08/10/2022 22:26

My home insurance won’t let the house be vacant for more than 60 days at a time. I’m sorry to say but you are very convenient to have around by the sound of it. x

WombOfOnesOwn · 08/10/2022 22:29

I'm staking my bet on "he's gotten married to someone in his other life and has realized he doesn't want to be charged with bigamy."

DaughterofDawn · 08/10/2022 22:29

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 21:51

@LemonDrop22
He hates writing. He's slightly dyslexic so doesn't feel like he is able to express himself properly. He also doesn't like video calling.

This comment stood out to me. I was in a long distance relationship for four years before I was married. My husband always looked forward to video calling. It was the best part of his day. And he was always very sad if the internet or something was out that prevented us from talking. So this tells me if this guy doesn’t feel the same way about you then something is not quite right.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:35

One thing I did forget is that he got upset when I didn't wear my engagement ring to the Gym. I don't wear any jewellery when I go, because when using equipment rings rub and are uncomfortable. The Gym I use is used mainly by retired people or families. It's not for glamorous Gym bunnies, or overly muscle bound studs. In all my time, I have only been approached by an 85 year old man, who liked to flirt with all the ladies and was a harmless gentleman.

He was miffed, but I laughed it off. Do you think this is the reason?

OP posts:
ArcaneWireless · 08/10/2022 22:38

Really duck. Stop thinking about what you might have done.

This one is all on him. And what he has done, what he is doing or what he wants to do.

Tessabelle74 · 08/10/2022 22:38

He's probably married the other woman he has when "working away"

DaughterofDawn · 08/10/2022 22:39

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:35

One thing I did forget is that he got upset when I didn't wear my engagement ring to the Gym. I don't wear any jewellery when I go, because when using equipment rings rub and are uncomfortable. The Gym I use is used mainly by retired people or families. It's not for glamorous Gym bunnies, or overly muscle bound studs. In all my time, I have only been approached by an 85 year old man, who liked to flirt with all the ladies and was a harmless gentleman.

He was miffed, but I laughed it off. Do you think this is the reason?

If it is it’s a stupid reason. If he wants you to wear a ring but not be married there are promise rings for that. Whatever the situation he’s clearly not being honest or upfront about his feelings and he wants you to just sit and stew in your confusion and feelings because he either doesn’t know or doesn’t care about your feelings and what that is doing to you.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:44

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:35

One thing I did forget is that he got upset when I didn't wear my engagement ring to the Gym. I don't wear any jewellery when I go, because when using equipment rings rub and are uncomfortable. The Gym I use is used mainly by retired people or families. It's not for glamorous Gym bunnies, or overly muscle bound studs. In all my time, I have only been approached by an 85 year old man, who liked to flirt with all the ladies and was a harmless gentleman.

He was miffed, but I laughed it off. Do you think this is the reason?

Do you genuinely think someone who loved someone and wanted to marry them would scrap all plans to get married, permanently, because their fiancee dud tbwsar her ring for a very short time while doing sweaty exercise (with a valid reason).

Wouldn't someone reasonable who loved the person and wanted to get married just ask why and accept the reason (presuming there was no huge back story justifying suspicion and mistrust).

Behaviour like that would be absolutely insane. Controlling and unreasonable, immature, knee jerk, abusive actually etc etc

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:48

There is no way any reasonable sincere committed person would ca off a marriage because their finances wasn't wearing a ring for a short time for a valid reason.

May I just point out that cheaters are often suspicious, paranoid, accusatory and jealous ... Because they presume everyone else is acting like them.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:49

*fiancee

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:49

He just called me.

I was a bit off with him, and straight away he got defensive and said he won't bother calling me if I'm going to be like this. I told him we need to have a serious chat when he got home, about engagement etc, and that I'm not happy with lots of things.

His reply was "well, great. That's something to look forward to after all the stress and hardwork I've been doing. Thanks a bunch!"

And then he hung up!

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:49

The fact that you're thinking along these lines makes me wonder if you've actually come very far from your previous abusive relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread