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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 21:04

I think I may have made a mistake in opening the wine . . .

However, it would seem it's time to put my big girl pants on, instead of blaming myself.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 08/10/2022 21:04

It’s good that you have an escape plan in place, OP. If I were you, I’d speak to your friend with the big house and tell them that you may need to move in soon, I.e., get your escape route planned.

Take your ring off and put it away for safekeeping. It was a gift and it belongs to you, you don’t need to give it back to him.

When he returns, tell him that you understand that he doesn’t want to get married under any circumstances so you’re considering your options. You don’t need to have a massive fight, just make it clear that you’re going to decide whether you’re willing to continue the relationship.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/10/2022 21:04

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 20:34

The confusing thing is, he said he doesn't want me to go. I said that I won't stay where I'm no longer wanted, and he said that's absolutely not what he wants. I'm not a vindictive violent person, and he is well aware, so I gave him the opportunity but he said he definitely still wants us to be together.

Of course he doesn't want you to go!

He's got you exactly where he wants you..

Paying bills /looking after house /shagging him...

Cameleongirl · 08/10/2022 21:06

Whatever you decide, OP, it won’t necessarily be the wrong decision. If you stay, just always have your escape plan ready.

Dita73 · 08/10/2022 21:13

I think you’re just a house sitter with a piece of jewellery. Ditch him

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 21:23

Thank you everyone for all your advice. I do appreciate it, and has helped loads.

I do feel angrier, and I do think I deserve better than being treated like this, as do my DC's. I shall construct a plan, but I feel more confident in my argument now.

Lots of love to you all xxx

OP posts:
Macaroni1924 · 08/10/2022 21:23

I think what you need to do is decide if this is the man you want to be with regardless of marriage. You need to talk with him when he gets back and see how you both feel. He could be going to tell you something you don’t want to hear or he could genuinely just not want to get married. If you really want to be with him you need to explain how hurt you feel and return the ring. Then the hard part is whether or not you want to stay and work on things or leave altogether. I wouldn’t make any rash decisions. I would also think that his job isn’t conducive to a good relationship, you seem to be left to do everything yourself for long periods. What was his opinion on marriage before the proposal? I wonder if he had previously not wanted to get married but once he said it went along with it and now he has the fear.

billy1966 · 08/10/2022 21:27

butterfliedtwo · 08/10/2022 20:38

I really am sorry this has happened, genuinely, but I'm cynical. If you leave, he'll have to pay his own food and bills.

The fact that he is difficult to contact is also weird. Look after yourself and your children. Good luck.

I agree.

You sound like a lovely woman and I think you really need to ruthlessly protect yourself and children, and not be used further by him.

expat101 · 08/10/2022 21:28

I understand about the mobile thing, my OH also works in the building industry and his mobile gets left in the car and checked only at lunchtime or if he has ducked into the car due to being rained off. Anyone caught on site on their mobile gets something chucked at them (although one of the site fellows was having a domestic on his the other day so walked off into an adjoining paddock).

the sort of conversation you deserve to have isn’t one for the phone or during his working hours. Same with emails, the written word, as we so often read on MN, can appear harsh.

How long until he is due home again? Does he work a rotating shift fly in/fly out type scenario? Is there time off while at work where you can ask MIL to mind the children for a night or two, and fly in to see him in his other environment?

NutellaEllaElla · 08/10/2022 21:37

Oh love, i'm so sorry this has happened to you. He's dumped you to all intents and purposes. No one expects a self-respecting person to stay after being treated so badly. Value yourself more highly, you're too good for him. Loving relationships are supposed to lift you up, not make you feel like shit.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 21:38

@expat101
He is due home next week, the exact date is still unsure as the job keeps being pushed out, and they are behind at the moment. They are working around the clock to get it finished, including the weekends.

I got upset because he was due home tonight, but something went wrong and he's had to stay. He told me it's his job, I know what it can be like, but it's hard when you're looking forward to seeing them, then it gets pushed out.

MIL isn't in a position to help as she's been poorly, and I haven't seen him for 2 months as he says he hasn't had a day off yet.

I've seen him work through like this when he's working closer to home and can commute so I never really questioned it.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 21:45

What is his reading for never responding to emails?

I'm pretty sure Bill Gates responds to emails from his partner.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 21:46

*reason

ArcaneWireless · 08/10/2022 21:48

I’m sorry. It just sounds that he is giving you time for his announcement to sink in so you don’t make a great stinking fuss when he comes home.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 21:49

You get them on your phone, takes a minute to respond with autotext. I actually think it's rude and disrespectful to not reply to eg an email from your partner (fiancee until now).

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 21:51

What's his relationship history btw.

Does he have form for breaking major commitments, that you know of?

Has he ever committed to a partner before?

Is he childless?

Ladymama12 · 08/10/2022 21:51

Id run. So many men are happy to waste ur time, tell you what you want to hear or change their minds without letting u know. Like so many others have said it sounds like he's thinking why buy the cow when im getting the milk for free? :0( id prepare somewhere for my kids to live, go and keep the ring. Many Men have no problem wasting ur time but sometimes they need a short Sharpe shock. A few years ago i woke up and now Every man I've dated who has had false intentions, ir dragged their feet with commitment I've dropped like a hot brick. The motto i live by now is actions speak louder than words.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 21:51

@LemonDrop22
He hates writing. He's slightly dyslexic so doesn't feel like he is able to express himself properly. He also doesn't like video calling.

OP posts:
Vecna · 08/10/2022 22:00

I'd break up with someone in these circumstances. Sorry, OP 💐

Sell the ring. It is meaningless if you're not marrying, but it is yours. You might as well enjoy its only value.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:00

@LemonDrop22

Before he met me, he had 2 non serious relationships which he said went nowhere and only lasted a few months.

He was in a relationship with a lady with whom he had a son. He stayed with her for 17 years, but left when he found out she had an affair. They never married. He felt too young.

We spoke about his feelings on this, and he said he never really blamed her as they had both fallen out of love, but he stayed for his son. They're still friends now.

OP posts:
ArcaneWireless · 08/10/2022 22:01

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 21:51

@LemonDrop22
He hates writing. He's slightly dyslexic so doesn't feel like he is able to express himself properly. He also doesn't like video calling.

He may well have problems with the written word. He probably doesn’t like video calling because he will find it hard to control his face and mannerisms if he is speaking shite.

And yet has absolutely no problem at all crushing your dreams and ending your engagement over the phone.

He also expressed himself fine enough telling you could keep the ring on so that he can still look like the good guy and you can play along with the happy families act.

dita to me was about right.

Stravaig · 08/10/2022 22:02

Changing his mind about getting married is ending the engagement, and thus the relationship too. It's not okay to enter into a promise to marry then break it with no explanation. I'd move out while he's away, get the children settled, leave the ring behind.

If he had a theoretical opposition to marriage, he wouldn't have proposed in the first place; and if has cold feet, he'd gently talk it through with you. Absent any rationale, I'd be wondering if there's another family somewhere else, or even multiple women. Potentially all with rings!

He doesn't sound like a respectful partner who pulls his weight, he's high-handed, and he's not around much anyway.

It's a horrible shock, OP, but please don't give up on yourself, or on the possibility of a good relationship. I expect you've noticed things sooner this time, and will act more surely.

deeperthanallroses · 08/10/2022 22:03

So you pay all the bills and food and will wash all his clothes when he gets back? I’m sure he does want you to stay around!! If you are still living there while you think about it I would say it’s his house he uses gas and electric and he’s eating so you will be sharing bills from here on. And his clothes can sit there until they rot.

it seems very convenient that he has had his trip extended. And works nights - he must be in some quite specialised area as construction is not big on working nights, only for essential infrastructure really eg to minimise the period main roads are closed
or trains shut down.

Fireflygal · 08/10/2022 22:04

How old is his son?

The comment about being a housekeeper rings true. How would he do his job if he didn't have you? Also if he is working such hours he will be paid very well so is his contribution fair?

whynotwhatknot · 08/10/2022 22:04

i dont particularly like video calls but i do it when someone is abroad-

he hasnt had a day off in 2 months i call bullshit on that-what if theres an ergency you just cant get hold of him and thats tough is it