Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

Good for you OP

I'm glad you are doing what's right for you and the children. He's a fool.

The more I reflect on this @Davegrohlsnewwife, the more I realise there are more red flags here then at a Chinese communist conference party.

You really need to make your plans, but don’t let him know! Live there, if bills are paid by standing order or direct debit, cancel them and save that money. Let him pay his own darn bills.

Don't tell him anything and I agree with PP; keep the ring and either find the receipt and return it or sell it! Here’s hoping it’s not a fake ring!

You can do better than this. Sorry he has done this U turn OP. You deserve a man who IS sure.

This man sounds as trustworthy as a Nigerian prince who wants you to do a banking transaction for him. Can't write because he is dyslexic, can't hear his phone because he works in construction, doesn't do video calls, you can't call him but have to wait for him to call you.... and so on and so on. Don't think about marrying him, take your kids and get out. You've had a lucky escape.

You must feel like an unpaid housekeeper. I have had problems in the past and all I can suggest is you secretly look for a house to buy yourself if you can, even if it is small, you will feel more secure . Then maybe when you feel more settled you could try and meet a chap who is more genuine. Take the chance when he's away to try and sort something out - 💐

The thing is, you considered all this and therefore have not proposed marriage and started planning the wedding, stag do etc.

This guy has, only to Uturn.

There is something odd and off about that.

Also odd that he's so keen on op wearing her engagement ring (to the point of starting an argument about her taking it off to exercise) .... And that he continues to want her to wear it. While he's said he'll never marry her.

You're not behaving like that either.

Meant to say in my previous post, try and find some free legal advice from Women's Aid or similar, it is hard to get but just about possible. "Family Lives" maybe able to point you in the direction of sound advice. Don't tell his family, just get the help you need.

And this.

Well done OP, you sound lovely. He sounds like utter scum. Before 1970 you could sue someone for breach of promise for jilting you - jilting is a serious psychological harm to inflict on someone, he should be ashamed of himself, but of course the arrogant little shit won't be.

Write him a letter detailing all the reasons you're leaving and leave it for him to find on his return. That way he can't interrupt, or gaslight you, if you were to talk in person.

I'm so sorry, I've read all your posts, and sadly you seem to have almost made a decision based upon your continued thoughts as opposed to facts that you can back up with actual evidence. That's so sad, as at the start of this thread you seemed clear that your relationship was good.

Sometimes a person can move an event to become a fact simply by thinking it will happen.

Your partner wants you to wear his ring but has told you he doesn't want to get married. You also know that he had a long term, very long term relationship with another woman, he never chose to marry her.

I actually don't think his feelings towards you have changed, but I do think that he perhaps realised that he could never marry any woman for some reason, and perhaps he trusted you to try to explain this to you. I doubt that anything has changed for him.

@billy1966

So sorry; your reply didn't automatically show Skyesky's, only Solange's. I didn't open quote history and so I missed Skyesky's post.

I may not always agree with your posts, but I was surprised as I can't remember an instance in which you made a mistake. Again, I'm sorry and I'll ask that it be taken down.

Today he messaged my son as couldn't get hold of me, so I messaged him to say we're okay - as in safe - but I need to speak when he comes home. His reply was "well, if its to do with my job then you know the answer. I'm not giving up my job".

That's all I need to know. Even if he is innocent, even if there is a simple reason for everything, the fact he won't even talk about it says so much.

I thought about e-mailing everything I am unhappy with, but not sure there's much point.

My friend is calling tonight to make arrangements.

And I have a feeling that's its not his job he won't give up, but something/someone else.

well, if its to do with my job then you know the answer. I'm not giving up my job".

He's just unturned on a wedding, given no real explanation, cut you off when you expressed your unhappiness about it, and when you say you need to talk; he jumps to his job?!

Not the canceled wedding plans, not the "you can keep wearing the engagement ring but I'm not marrying you" ...... Is this man right in the head?

I think it was in reference to our previous conversation when I said he was never here/available to talk to.

Probably should have clarified - sorry I didn't sleep and have a banging headache today.

Yeah before I even saw your post, I was wondering if he immediately jumped to his job (which requires him to live and work in other countries for months on end) because he's worried you'll ask him to try to become UK based and because he can't cause he's got another life elsewhere.

It's weird that that's his immediate focus...

Yet you don't appear to have expressed major unhappiness with him working away.

And he's completely sidelined the "I proposed and we told everyone but I've changed my mind, you can still wear the ring though" ... Like it's irrelevant.

I think he's probably going to tell people we broke up because of his job. Then it's not his fault.

Ah, but he makes himself unavailable to communicate in a way that is extreme and odd.

He could actually communicate perfectly well while working away if he didn't have 10 weird rules and obstructions he's created.

I know ppl who've maintained a relationship between the UK and far East for a year with Skype, WhatsApp etc.

I guess you better tell everyone he cancelled the wedding plans and told you he wasn't getting married, ever.
(But you could still wear your engagement ring).

He also could have talked to you on the phone .... But chose to trump up a temper tantrum and emotionally blackmail you about his exhausting working week

(Though ateotd these spin campaigns around relationship breakdowns are a kind of pointless waste of energy.
In a few years it's ancient history. And it doesn't change anything).

He can tell folk what stories he likes.

You can tell folk the truth.