Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP. You are brave. You have done it before. You can do it again.
Gather your courage and leave. And never look back. Better things are ahead.
you don’t need this man to make you happy. You will be happier with you and kids.
next time please wait before moving the kids in a man’s house. Wait till a wedding has actually happened not when a proposal has occurred.
next time don’t settle for a “long distance relationship”.
i believe at the right time God will send the right person to your door. Value yourself. Take care of yourself and DC. Know your worth.
NEVER AGAIN SETTLE FOR LESS.Be encouraged!

Could you talk to him about how you are feeling, would a civil partnership be better for him? If he doesn’t want to get married could you at least get some legal advice to make your position in his house more secure for you and the children. If he is not prepared to take your position into consideration I would seriously be thinking that you are on a road to nowhere. He obviously wants his independence but also, hedging his bets, keep you as a back up incase. I think you deserve better than this.

Sending lots of love xxx

This is true. Tell him that being engaged means you're supposed to be getting married and don't see the point in being engaged if he doesn't want to get married.

Sending love and strength. Please update us eventually. Rooting for you!

God this thread has given me a blast from my past.
Sounds like he's in oil/gas drilling or seismic operations.

I had a bf like this. I was absolutely enamoured by him and idolised him but he was so non committal and I would turn into a private detective on his jobs away. I always found stuff. I bet he does have a girl in every port!

Why did you move your children into a place you describe as being "squat-l

Posted too early!

"Squat-like"? Because that does not sound like a good parenting move and sounds like you put him first over your children.

If I were you, I would 100% leave. He is a jealous, possessive twat but doesn't want to commit. Fuck that

Oh my word you are the lodger, this cannot be coincidence, anything to do with the house- he pays, everything else- you pay.

Actually you are in a worse position than a lodger as there is no written agreement.

Get out now or get your name on those house deeds ootherwise it's just meaningless words. I think it's much more likely he has realised/ had the finances explained than he has met someone else. But who cares he isn't committed to your relationship.

I have read most of the posts and I cannot believe the bunkum this guy is coming out with!

Where I live, lots of people do fly in fly out jobs because they are extremely well paid and so I have a lot of friends who either do this, or have partners that do.

As such I know about swings and how the whole thing works. This man isn’t being truthful. When you say that you’ve “seen” the hotels he’s at, is that because he’s FaceTiming or video calling from there? Or because he’s sending you pictures? If it’s pictures, you can do a reverse image search with google and determine if he’s actually just downloaded the pictures off a hotel website.

I know this all seems pretty grim right now and I really feel that he’s taken advantage of you in a pretty big way. Not only do you pay the bills, you’ve added value by doing his house up! And I would be quite happy to bet that you paid for the materials as well. He should pay you for all the hours that you worked on his house!

Ultimately, it seems like you have absolutely no shared finances and how do you even know that he’s abroad working? He could be working from another city in the UK and you wouldn’t know! Or do you take him to the airport and stay with him through check-in? Because if you don’t do that and he’s saying that he leaves his car in long term parking or will get an Uber, you actually don’t even know where he’s going.

I cant speak as to what has suddenly changed his mind; he may well have another woman or three or four, or he may have gotten someone else pregnant, or he may have realised that he doesn’t feel the same way about you or he wants to wait until your children are grown up and left home! The only person who really knows is him.

If if it wasn’t for the fact that you’ve met him and you live in his house, I would say he was a catfish. Is dyslexic, doesn’t like video calling, doesn’t like phone calling, to hard to contact you with time differences, working too hard to be able to communicate with you in any way when he’s not working. This all too much.

You’ve turned his house from a squat into a home, you’ve paid the bills, you cook and clean and launder and grocery shop and it sounds like you have your own job.

You appear to be a housekeeper, maid and probably gardener all in one! He, my dear, is a douche bag. I cannot use anything stronger as I may get reported!

You don’t deserve this at all, but you have your children and your sanity! Leave before you lose the second one and it impacts the first!

If I could go back to my younger self and tell myself not to do all these things, I would.
Moving into his home with your children feels like a really unstable move. I would never do that again, ever, even if we were truly madly in love. I did it with the father of my child. Pre marriage - then I was screwed when things didn't work out - and we weren't married.
The kids are in such a precarious position here. I know it's painful for you but think how it is for them. Can you become financially secure on your own? His behaviour screams to me, you're ok for now, but I want something more / something else at some point. I appreciate marriage is not something everyone wants, but the way he's gone about it feels very off.

He's a loser, ditch him.

I agree, this gets worse with every post.

There are many couples who live together without being married. I have a friend who has been engaged for 20 years and my parents were engaged for over 10 years before they got married. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and you need to give the ring back and move out tomorrow.
He might be worried about finances especially because there are children from a previous relation ship. You might want to consider a prenuptial. The same goes for the house. How will you pay for it and how is ownership split. If you split can you keep living in the house and pay him rent until the DC have finished school?

He is showing you just how selfish he is.

You are the help.

Get a job and do not move in.

He is only thinking of himself.

Get back to work asap.

If you move in you are foolish and you will regret it.

From a guys perspective, at least he is being open, but unfortunately not what you want.

I found myself in a not dissimilar situation, new partner i adore who has 2 kids, been together a decade, no kids of our own, im 53. Marriage isn’t an option due to estate protections, i don’t own property but am wealthy, but a complete loyal family man. Marriage and the financial risk of losing 50% should she trade me in for a younger model is too much. In the meantime 50% of my take home goes into the family pot immediately and another 25% over the course of the month on trios, restaurants, both our cars. Final 25% on lunch at work and my clothing & interests - which includes DIY on her house.

My will leaves everything to her.

At 53, a 50% cut in my estate would be crippling. Alas marriage isn’t a good risk/reward for some men. I know of a few who never retired (died at 65+ still working) due to a failed marriage - faults on both sides.

@1994girl

Just be grateful you've got an engagement ring. I've been hinting one for years.

You've been with someone 'for years' who you can't have an open, mature conversation with about marriage... but think the relationship is secure and healthy enough for you to get married?

Why are you with someone you want forever with but expect so little of?

Reckless. To only have yourself to consider is one thing, to involve children is wrong.

This

OP, I very rarely RTFT but I have just read all of your story. You sound like an incredible person and I’m really sorry that you’ve been treated so badly by this arsehole, especially after all you’ve been through in the past.

I hope you can get through the next few difficult weeks and months and start to build a new and much happier life for you and your kids. You absolutely deserve it x

From a guys perspective, at least he is being open, but unfortunately not what you want. I found myself in a not dissimilar situation

Really, you pushed and pushed for an engagement then went cold on it, no longer want marriage, but expect your partner to continue wearing her engagement ring? You are away from home for months at a time and your partner has NO way of contacting you? You don't do emails, don't do video calls, don't answer phone calls? You lie about coming home when she says she's going to go out at the weekend, so that she stays home?

If you're in a "not dissimilar situation" then your partner needs to get out now. If you're just saying you have a partner you're happy with but can't offer marriage as you don't want the risk of the marriage failing and you losing half of your assets, then that's pretty sensible and nobody should have a problem with that.

He's not been open, he's not been honest. He's a classic case of wanting his cake and eating it while keeping the OP wondering what the hell she's supposed to do.

OP I’ve come back to say I’m so glad you are moving on with the DC and didn’t marry this man. You and your DC sound amazing, resilient and deserve so much more. I didn’t want to speculate too much before, but I have friends, not even a DP in these industries, they will usually pick up the phone even on site and sometimes we’ll even video call if they are in an interesting location. This was your DP and you cannot initiate contact with virtually no access at all for 7+ months, no wonder you have felt lonely and unsettled with the red flags flying just under the radar. He broke your trust when he broke the engagement, but do believe this is your lucky escape and wish you a peaceful and happy new start.

Please read the post that I am clearly responding to.

I am responding to @SkyeSky post.

@Bard6817, I'm not sure your situation is similar. You didn't propose marriage and (I assume) you're honest with your partner about why you don't want to marry.

Many women feel exactly the same about marriage. I wouldn't marry again as have too much to lose but I'm honest about my intentions from the outset.

The issue isn't that he has changed his mind, but that he isn't respecting his partner by talking to her openly about it.

@feministqueen - same for me. 12 years and two kids. Finally married but I felt I forced him into it. 5 years later we divorced, but I actually instigated it for various other reasons and he finally realised what he was losing. Didn’t want a divorce, refused to give me one. Men aren’t always great at commitment - it’s like they have a different mindset where it’s concerned to women. And there are consequences.
So sorry OP, only you know what you can accept and his basic level of trustworthiness, sense of responsibility to you and a family. I would say that in general if they don’t want to marry then it means they don’t feel that same level of commitment and want to keep that escape route available. That’s how I felt anyway.