Page 15 | Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

Davegrohlsnewwife · 2022-10-08T17:11:48+00:00

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time. Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later. We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me. He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding. I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back. He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back. I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface. AIBU?

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 09/10/2022 22:13

Wishing you well,x

That knowledge of betrayal, deceit, lack of respect, lies etc is devastating. The realisation that the future you looked forward to, is gone. It takes time to recover from that. Look after yourself and the DC.

PoundShopPrincess · 09/10/2022 22:16

You're not going to get any answers from him. I agree with a PP that he chose to tell you over the phone before he was due home because he thought you'd have adjusted to it by the time he was back and everything could go on as before. I hope you get moved smoothly and don't look back.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 09/10/2022 22:17

I've read all your updates. I think you're doing the right thing, but I do agree with the PP who said he totd you by phone so you'd be less angry amd more accepting, even planning on moving out by the time he gets back. Coward of a man. You deserve so much better. Hope you and the kids are ok 💐

LaniLeRoux · 09/10/2022 22:20

It depends on what you want

I know some women who are ‘forever girlfriends’ come to feel like “Mommy McBangMaid”

i would honestly do a pro and con analysis

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 22:44

I think that I've just gone through every emotion and back again. I remember this feeling with my ex. The iron door comes down, and that's that. It's as if in that moment I detach, to get done what's needed. Its not until everything is sorted and final that I fall apart a bit.

I just think I've been a doormat for long enough. It's not even the financial thing, but why on earth would I buy somewhere with someone who won't follow through on a proposal for marriage? I'm not that dumb.

Regardless of some other poor soul/souls he may or may not be with (I doubt I'll ever know this truth for certain), his behaviour sucks, and I remember more and more stuff, too much to keep posting here, and really, I applaude his confidence to strut it out for so long, fair play. But I personally am totally, completely and utterly done.

I'm just exhausted by it all.

OP posts:

nannyquestion1 · 09/10/2022 22:46

I am in awe of you, OP. 👏👏👏👏👏

1994girl · 09/10/2022 22:56

Just be grateful you've got an engagement ring. I've been hinting one for years.

Herejustforthisone · 09/10/2022 22:58

1994girl · 09/10/2022 22:56

Just be grateful you've got an engagement ring. I've been hinting one for years.

Jesus, read the thread.

Kgnswh · 09/10/2022 23:01

At the end of the day, it is all about the equity in ‘His’ house!. My two son’s grandparents left each of our sons £30,000 , My younger son was just 31,when he bought his first home on his own. He lived there for twelve years on his own paying the bills, mortgage etc. Successfully. He then met and married a girl , after three years of marriage, at her instigation,. She now wants £10,000 from him. We found out later that she is a recovering alcoholic. Her family knew, we did not. Our whole family has suffered so much from this, plus police, ambulances, fire brigade, this divorce is now due after 18 months. He will never marry again, and is now wary of women. He is now back in his house, at age 43 years, very rarely goes out now.... Young men are not always to blame. I could cry a river for him and the life he might have had

expat101 · 09/10/2022 23:03

Do you know the name of the company he works for OP? Is it worthwhile, before he gets home, to call them up and see if they actually have any construction in the places he says he is currently working at?

I'm wracking my brains going through everyone I know who gets posted o/s with their work, and all of them seem to be kept within regions, not world wide.

Anyhow all the best for this week, which ever way this turns out. You certainly deserve clarity and answers. x

Herejustforthisone · 09/10/2022 23:14

Kgnswh · 09/10/2022 23:01

At the end of the day, it is all about the equity in ‘His’ house!. My two son’s grandparents left each of our sons £30,000 , My younger son was just 31,when he bought his first home on his own. He lived there for twelve years on his own paying the bills, mortgage etc. Successfully. He then met and married a girl , after three years of marriage, at her instigation,. She now wants £10,000 from him. We found out later that she is a recovering alcoholic. Her family knew, we did not. Our whole family has suffered so much from this, plus police, ambulances, fire brigade, this divorce is now due after 18 months. He will never marry again, and is now wary of women. He is now back in his house, at age 43 years, very rarely goes out now.... Young men are not always to blame. I could cry a river for him and the life he might have had

What?

DaughterofDawn · 09/10/2022 23:15

Kgnswh · 09/10/2022 23:01

At the end of the day, it is all about the equity in ‘His’ house!. My two son’s grandparents left each of our sons £30,000 , My younger son was just 31,when he bought his first home on his own. He lived there for twelve years on his own paying the bills, mortgage etc. Successfully. He then met and married a girl , after three years of marriage, at her instigation,. She now wants £10,000 from him. We found out later that she is a recovering alcoholic. Her family knew, we did not. Our whole family has suffered so much from this, plus police, ambulances, fire brigade, this divorce is now due after 18 months. He will never marry again, and is now wary of women. He is now back in his house, at age 43 years, very rarely goes out now.... Young men are not always to blame. I could cry a river for him and the life he might have had

Okay but did he propose to a girl twice and change his mind? Did he go away on work “travels” for months and make constant excuses not to talk to her? Did he lie, manipulate and make her feel bad when she was reasonably upset when he canceled his marriage plans with her?

This is a lot deeper than a fear of commitment because of legal reasons. This is about toying with a person’s emotions and treating them like they are a plaything. I would really hope you don’t teach your son that it’s okay to behave the way OP’s current partner is treating her. Because that would be enabling financial abuse.

If your son doesn’t want to get married that is okay. He can still find love and not get married. We aren’t saying there is anything wrong with that so long as there is honesty and respect and he is upfront about his feelings with his next partner. So long as he is upfront about his fears and concerns then she would not be disappointed and hopefully might even share his feelings about marriage and then they can live happily ever after unwed.

OP’s partner is trash because he is not being honest or consistent with her.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 23:17

I think that I'm pretty much done.

Last week I mentioned to him that I felt bored and might go out this weekend. He said he was coming back this weekend so I didn't make plans. Obviously he's not here. And I have been home on my own, save for the Gym. I don't want to be with someone who does that.

OP posts:

Thatboymum · 09/10/2022 23:18

I’ve always referred to people who get rings with no intention to marry as a “shut you up ring”

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 23:31

With regard to finances, as previously stated, I have a pot to put in that would be a 50/50 agreement, although not enough to buy a place for myself, but enough for deposit to rent, and buy some furniture. The rest I will leave for the future.

I'm not looking to take money, though appreciate the rent free comments - they are true, I am living rent free.

But I have tiled the kitchen and bathroom. Painted and renovated front room and dining room, and fixed a leak in the toilet before it caused damage.

I have added value to his property which was like a squat when I moved in, so I have added value to it. But obviously I won't gain financially from it. I did it so that if we came to sell, he'd get more money.

But anyway, that gravy train has ended now, whichever way you look at it.

OP posts:

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 00:12

@1994girl That's really sad and pathetic.

mathanxiety · 10/10/2022 00:23

His gravy train has come to a screeching halt, I hope.

Do you know how much you spent from your own money on the kitchen and other DIY?

Maybe look back at bank statements, and create an itemised accounting.

You are not paying him rent, that is true. But you have by your own work and at your own expense increased the value of his house, and your expenditure on food and utilities has saved him a considerable amount of money, possibly totaling more than you might have paid in rent. You are absolutely not a freeloader, and he hasn't been heroically supporting you.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 10/10/2022 00:35

I know that I should be more angry, demand answers, show him what I have spent etc, but in all honesty - I don't care about any of that. I just want to pour all my energy in getting out and away from him. I will take what is mine and go.

At the end of the day, I made a huge mistake, but I have realised it before any serious damage was caused. I'll cut my losses and go. I did want to have it out with him, but now I don't even want that. I'm not interested in hearing more lies, or persuasions, or excuses. I just don't care anymore. Chalk it up to experience. I will concentrate on making a new magical home for the kids and me, I know I can, I've done it before. But no more of his bullshit. Enough is enough, I need to channel my energy elsewhere I think. X

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 10/10/2022 00:43

That is extremely sensible of you.

Draw a line under it all.

But do keep some sort of number that he owes you filed away somewhere. It strikes me that he might come after you for 'back rent' or try to exact revenge on you for dumping him. Be ready with ammunition and then block him.

bluesapphire48 · 10/10/2022 02:02

The ring is YOURS, regardless of whether or not he marries you. If it’s an expensive ring, you could put it in a safe deposit box if you don’t want to wear it, but keep it because you may need the money someday. If he wasn’t sincere when he gave it to you, you really owe it to yourself to keep it and get whatever you can from it.

If he WAS sincere when he gave it to you, he’s entitled to change his mind, just as You are. So, maybe it’s time to find another place to live for a while, until he sorts his little brain out and decides whether or not he wants to continue the relationship. I think if you move out, funded by above-mentioned ring, you will seem less like the helpless woman he may have thought you were at the beginning, and more like the independent (read ATTRACTIVE) woman you really are.

It’s worth a try and may do wonders for your relationship if that’s what you want.

bluesapphire48 · 10/10/2022 02:09

Made this comment before seeing the entire thread…

He sounds like a jerk. Have you kept receipts for any of the expenses you incurred repairing his property? If so, get some competent legal advice about how to proceed, and if you have any rights at all.

If not, I would be tempted to leave the place EXACTLY AS I FOUND IT when I moved out.

UserError012345 · 10/10/2022 02:21

Is your name on the mortgage OP? Are you contributing towards a house that isn't yours snd will not gain from if you split?

I am sorry, it sounds like he's future faked to a degree.

You can stay knowing marriage is off or you can acknowledge you want different things and move on.

UserError012345 · 10/10/2022 02:24

Didn't RTFT

Cayenneshiloh · 10/10/2022 03:17

So unkind of you

jollyroll · 10/10/2022 03:28

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:23

I think maybe there's something on abroad and he no longer wants to get into a fixed, committed, legal arrangement with you, which will be hard/expensive/hassly to get out of.

This something probably didnt exist when he proposed.

Sadly, this seems most likely. Really hoping all the supportive messages on here will buoy you will up and help you and your family get out of there and start the next chapter in your lives - which I know will eventually be merry and bright. x