Page 14 | Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

Davegrohlsnewwife · 2022-10-08T17:11:48+00:00

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time. Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later. We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me. He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding. I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back. He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back. I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface. AIBU?

Solonge · 09/10/2022 20:16

Keeping the ring always appears cheap....its shaming for them when you give the ring back....I would give the ring back even if I couldnt afford to!

Solonge · 09/10/2022 20:19

Stravaig · 08/10/2022 22:51

he got upset when I didn't wear my engagement ring to the Gym.
He was miffed, but I laughed it off. Do you think this is the reason?

This won't be the reason he broke off the engagement. However it does strongly suggest that he sees the ring as a symbol of ownership, like a brand or the ear tag on livestock. Run!

op you are looking for excuses for him. No one decides not to marry the love of their life because she didnt wear a ring to the gym..... truly. I always think that one of the best ways to stop making excuses for a crappy partner is to think...would I do that to him...? if the answer is no....then you realise they are being shitty.

Smoem · 09/10/2022 20:22

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 22:49

He just called me.

I was a bit off with him, and straight away he got defensive and said he won't bother calling me if I'm going to be like this. I told him we need to have a serious chat when he got home, about engagement etc, and that I'm not happy with lots of things.

His reply was "well, great. That's something to look forward to after all the stress and hardwork I've been doing. Thanks a bunch!"

And then he hung up!

Is he a narcissist?

forrestgreen · 09/10/2022 20:24

Please cancel any direct debits for his bills.
Take all the washing powder/tablets etc that you've bought.
Take the food you've bought
Etc

I know you want him to understand but he won't. Nothing you say will make a difference.

Solonge · 09/10/2022 20:30

Babiesarenotrobots · 08/10/2022 19:12

You will know yourself what feels right but I accepted my boyfriends proposal knowing I'd never marry him. 🤷‍♀️ I just don't care for it and, if we divorced, I have way more to lose than him. The engagement was our way of showing commitment and I wear my ring to show I'm in a committed relationship. I don't really get what the big deal is tbh. Unless you though there is someone rise or a specific reason for now saying no

Because he asked her to marry him.....not engage him. He now has changed his mind. op has kids....no claim on property...and could be thrown out at a moments notice. She is being used....very different to two people decided to become engaged but never married....plus her partner is away for the majority of the year...she cant ring him...but has to wait to be rung....not fishy to you?

Maryminx · 09/10/2022 20:32

Take the ring off, as U are not engaged.
I feel sorry for the kids, there seems to be no commitment from this bloke.
Sorry, but I feel he has met someone else but still wants to keep u.

Solonge · 09/10/2022 20:32

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:15

@LemonDrop22 it does feel sudden and abrupt. I don't think I did anything wrong, but he usually talks to me if I have upset him, and vice versa. I think I know what I have to do. Maybe I was hoping I was overreacting. I do love him, and this has hurt me a lot, and I really wish with all my heart this wasn't happening!

He needs to know how much he has hurt you.

Solonge · 09/10/2022 20:35

SkyeSky · 08/10/2022 19:36

Hi. I have been on and off with my partner for many years. We share a three year old and I have a wonderful stepson who I also bring up. My partner and I planned to marry one day after having our child. He has now changed his mind. Says he loves me and wants to be a family always yet has no reason to marry. He recently purchased a home for us all but will not agree to put me on the house. I don’t not work as I am very much a stay at home mum. He feels if I am with him then I will be secure. However if something were to happen the children and I would not have security and this worries me greatly. I feel very hurt and do not feel I can stay in a relationship like this. I do not want to separate my family, which he will say I am doing if I don’t move in. How can someone put the woman he loves in such a position if he truly saw a future with her.
I don’t no what is for the best. I will struggle alone financially as I don’t not earn and have no savings.

getting a job, saving for your own future and making clear to your partner that by refusing to marry you and refusing to allow you to share in the house, as on the mortgage....then all he is doing is having his cake and eating it. Having a housewife to cook, clean and look after his child and he can throw you out tomorrow and replace you...and you get nothing.

Bernardo1 · 09/10/2022 20:58

It's simple.

If, he doesn't want to get married, you're no longer engaged, End of!

Greenshed · 09/10/2022 21:00

I’ve read more of your posts now, OP, and honestly, he’s not worth your time and attention. He’s controlling you, belittling you and being a complete bastard. He wants his cake, with cream then eating it. You’ve admitted you see red flags, so take note of those red flags, listen to your inner voice and act on that. If you stay, I wager you’re lining yourself up for a life of misery, so don’t, get out and move on.

Solonge · 09/10/2022 21:02

ohdelay · 09/10/2022 19:58

Hang on, I thought they didn't share any kids and OP lived rent free in his house with her kids while he was away for months at a time. How is she hard done by? There is no abuse he just doesn't want to marry her any more for reasons yet to be disclosed. Why is everyone making out like she has been doing him some massive favour and has been used or betrayed in some way?

Show quote history

They dont share children but he has a son from another relationship. Although op lives rent free, she pays all the bills, provides all the food and keeps the homefires burning plus provides the comforts of a wife when he returns. Whilst getting rent free accommodation.....he however gets everything else and she has no claim on the house. He proposed, twice, now changed his mind and wont say why....he is also uncontactable...op wouldnt really know where in the world he is at any time.

Solonge · 09/10/2022 21:10

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 11:57

Hello All,
I haven't heard from him yet today. I didn't sleep very well, had a weird dream about an ex boyfriend of my "yoof", then went to the Gym. I then sat in my car for about an hour just thinking.

Putting everything together, and the overwhelming responses and opinions regarding him having an affair/second life etc make me think that I have been utterly hoodwinked and used.

But I kind of want to have it out with him. I really want him to know and understand what he has done. Maybe he won't care, but I want him to see that I am not weak and stupid. I want to stand up to him, show him that I won't just disappear nicely and quietly like a good girl. Because I think that's what he's banking on. I'm not generally vindictive, but I am really, really pissed off and hurt.

Can I ask if you know the company he works for? or does he work contracts for different companies...? if you know the company you can find out where they are building and what and if it tallies. Honestly...I think I would hire a PI and be willing to spend a bit to find out what he is up to.

ohdelay · 09/10/2022 21:16

@Solonge but she's made no contribution to the house, why expect to benefit from it. His adult son doesn't live there and they barely see him so she's not playing mummy to his kids. He's not there for months at a time so bills and food should be covered by OP since its usually her and her kids eating it.
Someone living rent free in your otherwise empty house is never doing you a favour, they are denying you a rental income. It sounds like he has cancelled the engagement and she can find out why, but he doesn't owe her or her kids anything.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 21:27

I just received a text message - he is staying on another 2 nights. He said he will call me later, I have asked him not to, and blocked him.

OP posts:

DGay · 09/10/2022 21:35

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 21:27

I just received a text message - he is staying on another 2 nights. He said he will call me later, I have asked him not to, and blocked him.

Props for that. So proud!

Solonge · 09/10/2022 21:36

ohdelay · 09/10/2022 21:16

@Solonge but she's made no contribution to the house, why expect to benefit from it. His adult son doesn't live there and they barely see him so she's not playing mummy to his kids. He's not there for months at a time so bills and food should be covered by OP since its usually her and her kids eating it.
Someone living rent free in your otherwise empty house is never doing you a favour, they are denying you a rental income. It sounds like he has cancelled the engagement and she can find out why, but he doesn't owe her or her kids anything.

When I go away I pay for a friend to housesit....I come home to a clean house that is warm and there is food in the fridge. This op is housesitting, keeping the house clean, doing his washing when he returns, paying his bills, buying his food and all he does is pay the mortgage. If he rented out his house he couldnt live in it for the five months or so of the year he is home. He asked her to marry him twice and they planned to buy a shared home together. She cant contact him, he says he will call but she cant....this isnt a relationship...he is using her as a housekeeper.....and most people pay for a housekeeper...even a live in one.

Solonge · 09/10/2022 21:38

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 21:27

I just received a text message - he is staying on another 2 nights. He said he will call me later, I have asked him not to, and blocked him.

Well he knows now you mean business. Absolutely the right thing to do. You cant now discuss anything on the phone, it needs to be face to face.

ihatesoaps · 09/10/2022 21:41

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 21:27

I just received a text message - he is staying on another 2 nights. He said he will call me later, I have asked him not to, and blocked him.

Well done. He now knows how upset you are and that you mean business

Sandra1984 · 09/10/2022 21:45

Solonge · 09/10/2022 21:02

They dont share children but he has a son from another relationship. Although op lives rent free, she pays all the bills, provides all the food and keeps the homefires burning plus provides the comforts of a wife when he returns. Whilst getting rent free accommodation.....he however gets everything else and she has no claim on the house. He proposed, twice, now changed his mind and wont say why....he is also uncontactable...op wouldnt really know where in the world he is at any time.

Show quote history

The only positive I see in all this is she's been living rent free, BUT she had to pay for all bills and spent time running the house (time is money). From a business point of view she's done a terrible investment (her money is gone), he on the other side has done a great one by putting all his money to pay the full mortgage. She has nothing and he owns a house. He puts a ring on her as to detract men while refusing to marry (he doesn't want to loose financially or get committed). He also gets to travel for months and refuses to communicate with partner because he most probably has other women.

This man is a perfect example of "eating your cake and having it too".

This man is genius.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 21:45

I just feel so numb towards him. I've had a lovely day with DD, decorated her room for Halloween (he doesn't like Dec's in the house) and had a nice dinner. I feel bad that we have to move, but I will make it as painless for them as possible. They're not especially close to him, they have told me previously, their main concerns would be staying at their school and locally for friends, which I will make sure they get. So long as they are happy, I'll be okay.

OP posts:

kateandme · 09/10/2022 21:46

Op he even besides the reason for this post isn’t treating you very nicely at all.you deserve more than this.he just doesn’t sound kind to you at all.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/10/2022 21:48

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 21:45

I just feel so numb towards him. I've had a lovely day with DD, decorated her room for Halloween (he doesn't like Dec's in the house) and had a nice dinner. I feel bad that we have to move, but I will make it as painless for them as possible. They're not especially close to him, they have told me previously, their main concerns would be staying at their school and locally for friends, which I will make sure they get. So long as they are happy, I'll be okay.

You're doing the right thing for yourself and your DC. Hope the move goes smoothly.

Herejustforthisone · 09/10/2022 21:48

I hope you one day find out the truth for your own peace of mind, because my god, he’s a liar.

kateandme · 09/10/2022 21:51

Davegrohlsnewwife · 09/10/2022 21:45

I just feel so numb towards him. I've had a lovely day with DD, decorated her room for Halloween (he doesn't like Dec's in the house) and had a nice dinner. I feel bad that we have to move, but I will make it as painless for them as possible. They're not especially close to him, they have told me previously, their main concerns would be staying at their school and locally for friends, which I will make sure they get. So long as they are happy, I'll be okay.

Moving is a faff.but no worse than living somewhere when it’s a miserable atmosphere.to find your own safe space to just sit down and breathe again is way better.and worth it.the kids will be fine.and excited a bit too if they still get to be within their mates and stuff.moving is a stress bit that expected.it’s bit infinite and soon is over.the place,mood and life your in at the moment is ongoing and horrid.that’s worse.

ArcaneWireless · 09/10/2022 22:04

Ach OP, it still sounds off.

I said 24 hours ago that he told you by phone so you wouldn’t create a fat fuss when he got in and you’d be quietly accepting.

I’m getting the feeling that he is giving you time to move out so he doesn’t have to face you.

He ain’t no prince cherub.