Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BettySoPetty · 09/10/2022 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ladyfrog59 · 09/10/2022 18:33

Are you sure he hasn't got someone else he lives with while he's away?

supersop60 · 09/10/2022 19:13

OP you are not an idiot. His 'angry' reaction to your phone call was just him panicking about his convenient life being threatened, and he tried to turn it back on you. Any half -reasonable bloke would have said ' yes, I'm sorry, we do need to talk '.
May I tell you a cautionary tale about a friend of mine? Her long term live in boyfriend was a geological engineer and had to work in South Africa on a pipeline. He was away for months, bad signal etc etc. My friend found out that he had two passports, and was in fact living in Australia with another woman.
He seemed so nice ...

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/10/2022 19:17

If being matters fundamentally matters to you but not to him you’re incompatible. In that situation one of you has to compromise and it’s always got to be the want to be married partner (since no one should reluctantly marry). Have a think how is this going to map out. It’s a difficult situation

rangagirl · 09/10/2022 19:18

@Davegrohlsnewwife You 'think he would be sad if you took the ring off'... maybe he would, but what about what YOU want and feel?

He has said he doesn't want to marry you, so why would you care that his feelings would be hurt if you took off the engagement ring?

I don't think you're being fair to yourself to think you're to blame... you believed what he told you at the time, and didn't expect the 180 (I'm guessing).

But now you have to think long and hard about exactly what you want. Then you can either cut him off, or tell him EXACTLY what you want, ask what he wants, then make the decision to cut him off or not if they don't match or you can't find a compromise that works for you both.

But just remember - you deserve to be happy, too! You don't have to placate his half-baked attitude towards serious life issues by prioritizing what would make him 'sad' over what you want.

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/10/2022 19:19

If being married matters fundamentally matters to you but not to him you’re incompatible. In that situation one of you has to compromise and it’s always got to be the want to be married partner (since no one should reluctantly marry). Have a think how is this going to map out. It’s a difficult situation

3rdtimeisacharm · 09/10/2022 19:21

Ladyfrog59 · 09/10/2022 18:33

Are you sure he hasn't got someone else he lives with while he's away?

RTFT

ohdelay · 09/10/2022 19:23

He barely seems to be there and there are no shared children or property. It could be a clean break. Sometimes things just fizzle out

T1Dmama · 09/10/2022 19:26

I have issue with this… I know you say there’s been no real red flags, but I think this is it!!
my ex was wonderful, he was so loving and flattered me constantly… they call it ‘love bombing’….. we got engaged after just 3 months… we bought a house together after a year… but even though we went halves he wanted to buy it so that he had a larger share…. I said no….. we were together 5 years in total… the subtle control started shortly after we lived together… he (like your partner) refused to marry me, saying ‘why fix what isn’t broke’… we finally split and he stalked me for 2 years…
I agree with what others have said… I wouldn’t marry him now if he begged you.. his lack of certainty shows lack of commitment & love…. I would be tempted to tell him you’re calling off the engagement as sick of everyone asking when the wedding is…
looking back I see that my ex wanted me to have a ring to ‘state his claim’ on me…
mMy now husband proposed and we literally planned and booked the venue within weeks and were married 9 months later….
Getting engaged and not married seems a little controlling

Notforbeef · 09/10/2022 19:28

No she isn't sure - mumsnet has talked her into thinking he has!

Just talk to him when he gets back. Yes he's been a dick with the wedding thing, but upur relationship deserves a full discussion about what's happened and what will happen in your future. Don't let a bunch of random women talk you into packing and leaving before you've discussed things.

PeppaPigsBonnet · 09/10/2022 19:28

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP but I think you need to start making plans now.

You need to find out what your entitlements are in the event of a 'split'. You aren't married, so I doubt you would get a share of his house.
Please see a solicitor that deals with Family Law and find out where you stand.

And don't tell him what you are doing either.

There is a salutary lesson here for women - don't move in with a guy when you aren't married unless you have a Cohabitation Agreement.

T1Dmama · 09/10/2022 19:29

I’d agree with this, except it was him who initially proposed and him that made the plans and asked her to move in….
To me this suggests he’s just changed his mind about her specifically ?

MommaDuck · 09/10/2022 19:31

Hatch your escape plan OP. Even if you change your mind, at least the ball is rolling. It’s harder to plan things when you’re crumbling inside and if you don’t get the answers you want when he returns home, it might make it more difficult to think clearly. Perhaps take a few days to process things so you don’t act reactively and can come up with a plan that causes as little disruption as possible.
I still remember escaping an abusive relationship with my children and bin bags, but once my plan was made I already felt safer and more positive about my future. 4 years later- the future is soooo much better! Take care of yourself!

askmenow · 09/10/2022 19:39

Treebranch · 08/10/2022 19:44

Mate, you already know the answer, I'm sorry. You have to make a financial plan as if you're already a single mother. It's nice to be a SAHM, for sure, but it's a luxury. You need money for it, and if you don't have that, through marriage, savings or inheritance, then you are really vulnerable. You should probably stop being unpaid childcare for his children and get a job.

Show quote history

You only move in If he agrees that you become Tenants in Common so the child you share has protection as much as your stepchild. Be very careful and take legal advice prior to making any decisions.

And plan to work or at the very least use the time to further your education. Always have a fallback position in life.

NotJustAnybody · 09/10/2022 19:44

Maybe he doesn't want to get married as then you'd automatically have claim to 50% of his house. You state that you were planning on buying somewhere together so does that mean you have savings to put towards this?
Yes, he could be up to all sorts while he's away but equally so could you and maybe he has (unfounded) concerns that he doesn't want to admit to.
Married or not married, you're going to be lonely if he continues working away for long stretches. Have you thought about this long term, when the kids have left?
I'd tell him that you need to secure your future and if that's not with him, you need to leave and do it on your own or find someone else.

LittleHeartToo · 09/10/2022 19:55

Op im sorry hes treating you like this. He is completely invalidating your feelings also by hanging up on you and getting annoyed by your valid concerns.
Its a tough place to be in. Sending you strength x

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 19:56

Maybe he doesn't want to get married as then you'd automatically have claim to 50% of his house.

Seems unlikely a mature man who works all over Europe with a grown up son etc would not think of this before proposing (twice) and planning a wedding and stag do.

ohdelay · 09/10/2022 19:58

PeppaPigsBonnet · 09/10/2022 19:28

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP but I think you need to start making plans now.

You need to find out what your entitlements are in the event of a 'split'. You aren't married, so I doubt you would get a share of his house.
Please see a solicitor that deals with Family Law and find out where you stand.

And don't tell him what you are doing either.

There is a salutary lesson here for women - don't move in with a guy when you aren't married unless you have a Cohabitation Agreement.

Hang on, I thought they didn't share any kids and OP lived rent free in his house with her kids while he was away for months at a time. How is she hard done by? There is no abuse he just doesn't want to marry her any more for reasons yet to be disclosed. Why is everyone making out like she has been doing him some massive favour and has been used or betrayed in some way?

Drinkinggreentea · 09/10/2022 19:58

It's absolutely not in his interests to tell you the truth so no point staying to argue with him unless you want to get further belittled and lied to. It's not healthy for your teenagers to witness this and not healthy for you either.

Why would he tell the truth? You're living in his house and could potentially trash it, you're close to his Mum and he really wouldn't want her finding out if he's behaved badly and even though he doesn't want to marry you he may want to keep you around for the sex and company. Just get out. You and your kids deserve a lot better.

Something has definitely happened for him to suddenly call off the engagement like this. I know a man who's been in a relationship and engaged for a decade and it's pretty obvious to me that he's having doubts and is just waiting it out until she ends it so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. This isn't the case here. He was really into the idea and now out of the blue he's calling it off and treating you like crap. Weird.

Greenshed · 09/10/2022 20:02

From what you say in your first post ( and I haven’t read many of the subsequent posts by either you or others), it seems to me that you need to have a serious face to face conversation with regards to what you both want from this relationship ship, and where it goes from here.
On the face of it it, it seems that he wants you to be “engaged” to him, ie, wear the ring, but he doesn’t want the engagement to result in marriage - but the fact is, people who get engaged are making the first step towards marriage. If this is not what he wants to commit to, then I feel that the sensible thing (though hard), is for you to break off this “engagement” and take steps to move on, because it’s not a proper engagement if he doesn’t want to commit fully to you and marry you. Ask him what it is he does want. I suggest, (from the posts from you I’ve seen), he wants a skivvy who keeps house whilst he’s away, keeps everything ticking over nicely, thank you very much, and then happily accepts the sex and other home comforts when he’s back home, but doesn’t want any further commitment than that. Is that what you want?

Grrrrdarling · 09/10/2022 20:03

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:15

He wants neither now.

If he wants neither now what does he want?

Personally I have no real interest in getting married, although for tax reasons if we move in together it may be worth it but at the end of the day I see it as a just an expensive piece of paper. I’ve never even dreamed of getting married.
I have made it clear to my partner that if we were ever to get married it would not be a big, lavish ceremony. I want to be a certain weight when I get married & that is a long way off & I literally hate being the centre of attention, which is what a wedding day is about.
The anxiety just thinking about it now makes me feel sick.

What you need to think about now is that you aren’t just two people who can pick & choose whether to be together or not; there are children involved here!
You need to lay your cards on the table & ask him what he really wants FOR YOU ALL going forwards.
This question & answer session is for the children’s sake as much as yours because you all need security!
Moving in with him & leaving yourself in such a vulnerable position with children wasn’t the best idea but it is done.
Please make a plan now & save enough for a few months rent & deposit for somewhere new incase this relationship goes tits up.

Benmac · 09/10/2022 20:10

If it is the wedding that is scaring him off that's fair enough. I could not handle formal wedding.
If it is marriage, return the ring and get him out of your life. You and your children deserve better

Solonge · 09/10/2022 20:10

Then ask him why he changed his mind..... according to the answer you need to tell him that it wont work for you. That you and your child will have no guarantee he wont just turn around one day and ask you to leave...and you will have nothing. Truly...if he has changed his mind its something big...you need to know why.

Grrrrdarling · 09/10/2022 20:10

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:00

@1FootInTheRave no, no reason, just doesn't want to. If was a big lavish affair, I could understand, but we planned to elope with a friend couple, then have a party for family and friends when we got back. He was even planning his stag do!

Currently we are only talking over the phone, but he's back next week, and I was hoping we could have a proper discussion, but he says he's adamant.

Talk to him. Arrange childcare for a few days & nights when he is back so you can really work though somethings & get to the bottom of whatever the issue is.
Hope this is just a cold feet blip or him getting annoyed/frustrated at everyone questioning when the ‘big day’ will be.

For me engagement is just a plan to get married & a bigger commitment to each-other than just going out.
We’ve been engaged for 5 years & have NO plans to get married anytime soon.

  1. I have 8 stone to lose, which is hard with a physical disability &
  2. we can’t afford to get married. When we are ready we might do it but it isn’t a big deal if we don’t get married. We are still committed to each other.
Solonge · 09/10/2022 20:14

I wouldnt be surprised if he has actually married someone else....honestly...this change of mind...coupled with the inability to contact.....and the excuses are absolute cobbers. Ive been married over forty years and we are not loves young dream anymore...but we wouldnt go three days without speaking on the phone or facetime or similar.....he is lying...talk to him mum.

Swipe left for the next trending thread