Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

am really, really pissed off and hurt.

I don't blame you, he's fucking awful. I hope you do tell him some home truths and then go and have a great life with your children and without him.

When is he back in the UK op?

He needs to have a completely honest, all cards in the table talk with you about why he has done a u turn on the wedding etc.

No dodging, no moods, no hanging up, no distracting, no emotional black mailing; a real explanation of why (not "because I don't want to now").

I have my doubts he'd going to be truthful though.

I do suspect he has another partner abroad but how would you ever find out if he continues to be dishonest - and it's not in his interests in any way to admit to that, if it's the case.

I think you're stuck in ignorance atm.

The contact arrangements are very odd and sound dodgy.

The u turn is dodgy and unreasonable (and v hurtful and unfair).

Other stuff suggests he walks over you in other aspects.

Imho you should start making arrangements to separate and house yourself elsewhere. It doesn't seem like a particularly good relationship even if he hadn't got another woman abroad.

He doesn't have to know anything about the arrangements.

I'm not sure exactly when he's back. The times keep changing. It will be this coming week sometime, he usually texts when he's leaving, and that's all the notice I get.

I'm not even sure if he'll contact me today. He usually ignores me when he's upset with me, and after last night's phone call, I doubt he will for a day or two.

I have decided today that I will get ready, do a quick shopping trip with DD, get something nice for dinner, take both DCs for a lovely autumn walk, then spend the evening watching movies with them. Then, tomorrow I will get everything ready and in place. I'll speak to my friend and ask for her help, which I am lucky enough to be able to depend on.

Do you have any way at a of accessing his emails, social media, files on computer etc.?

I'd be having an exhaustive look through them.

*he usually texts when he's leaving, and that's all the notice I get.

I'm not even sure if he'll contact me today. He usually ignores me when he's upset with me, and after last night's phone call, I doubt he will for a day or two.*

It doesn't sound like a healthy balanced relationship were you are treated respectfully and decently.

I get the impression from everything in this thread that he thinks he's very much the boss and you take what you're given and do as you're told.

You've perhaps been conditioned to think he isn't too bad at all be sure of your previous extremely abusive relationship.n

I presume he also thinks he can be high handed and cavalier because you're (currently) dependant on him for accommodation for yourself and your kids.

You mentioned he has a son from a previous relationship; presumably he doesn't see much of him at all then, if he's away for months on end working. Does he have the sand contact rules/arrangements for his son (or other people like his Mum). Phone calls only, and only when he initiates them? Ever changing, vague arrangements about him returning, lack of notice etc?

This is a weird set up.

And it doesn't make him a good Dad either.

This guy just strikes me as someone who has two compartmentalised lives.

I could be wrong, but ..

Could you see if there is any possible access to eg marriage records or residence details for him in the country he works away in.

I don't have access to his phone or emails, they are all passworded. He isn't on any social media, only WA, and with that he's set his privacy so you can't tell when he is online.

His son is older, in his 20's now, but no, he was never around much for him. I get on well with him, but he seems to treat his Dad with the same distance, and won't come over or meet up for months. Last time we saw him was June.

I could look into records abroad. Thing is its different countries each time, sometimes Brussels, sometimes Spain, France etc. Then he'll do stuff here, but could be Scotland, Ireland or an hours commute away.

Unless he's got a girl in every port! Jesus! Could you imagine???

@Davegrohlsnewwife I don't have access to his phone or emails, they are all passworded. He isn't on any social media, only WA, and with that he's set his privacy so you can't tell when he is online.

He’s set his privacy settings like that because he doesn’t want you to know when he’s chit chatting on wassap. And believe me he is. That would raise questions on your part.

If he tells you “he’s been working all night” and you can tell he’s been online on WA two hours it will blow his cover, hence the reason he puts his settings on private.

When he arrives home I would announce that I’m having trust issues and demand to see his phone and wassap right there and then. If he has nothing to hide he’ll show you his phone.. If he refuses there you have your answer.

Looking back over everything, there are massive red flags. And I feel like an idiot. In my defence I have been preoccupied because one of my parents has been very ill with Cancer this year, and I just think perhaps I didn't want to see what was really happening.
(My parent is doing much better now, but was a worry at the time, treatment etc)

I am being vague because too much detail could be outing, but at this point I'm not sure I really care!

You are NOT an idiot.

I'll speak to my friend and ask for her help, which I am lucky enough to be able to depend on.

Plan in place! Keep us updated. This selfish man does not deserve you.

You’re definitely not an idiot, OP, and whatever you decide going forward, it won’t be the wrong choice. You just need to reevaluate your relationship and decide whether it setill works for you, given he doesn’t want to get married.

One thing that’s occurred to me. You said that your DC are teens and doing their own thing much of the time. You already get lonely as your DP is away so much and it’ll only get worse as your children get older. Is it worth sticking around for that?

Just another thing to consider.

Oh there is completely something behind this I'm afraid to say. Sorry OP.

"Is it worth sticking around for that?"

Are you suggesting she stays with this man just for a bit of company?

Actually I think she was suggesting the very opposite of that.

You're not an idiot. And you should show him just that.

Please don't think you're an idiot! You're a normal human being whose 'default' setting is to accept people at face value until something happens. He set out to deceive you and now 'something's happened' and your eyes have been opened. It's all on him for being a dishonest bastard.

Take a deep breath, congratulate yourself for your newly opened eyes AND that you are a good person who would never treat someone that way, and step into your future.

@VickyEadieofThigh i meant the opposite-what’s the point of sticking around when you’ll be on your own most of the time anyway?

if she leaves, she can either be happily single or perhaps meet someone who values her more, IYSWIM.

Yes I agree you aren’t an idiot. It is hard to reprogram years of unhealthy conditioning and usually it starts when we are very small children. I’ve dated men like this in the past even when I was self aware of it. You haven’t don’t anything worse and nothing is wrong with your intelligence. It is very frustrating and hard to change something like this. But you are putting in the work. Some people don’t even bother to leave as they have decided they are comfortable with being mistreated. You have decided to do things differently though and that makes you very brave.

Apologies - I inferred wrongly!